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Girls - would you date someone who was physically abusive in previous relationship? watch

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    I wouldn't personally. Things go wrong in relationships sometimes and he's already proven how he reacts when that happens. How could you trust him with any future potential children you might have? I just couldn't. I'd get out now while you're not too invested.
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    Girl, get out the door faster than a whippet with a bum full of dynamite. Safeguard your interests. Please.
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    The fact that his coping behaviour was physical violence is highly disconcerting. If he'd just lashed out once e.g. reacting to being himself struck, then perhaps it'd be pardonable, but punching and choking? You might also deign to enquire if he ever forced her - given the profile of both characters it's perfectly possible

    It's only possible that he might get violent again, ignore anyone who says it's an inevitability, but the question, ultimately, is: is this a risk you are willing to take?
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    No way. Those tendencies can resurface at any point in time. Knowing me, I'm annoying, quite difficult too. I will extract your inner hulk therefore no I wouldn't. Didn't come to this life to be someone's punching bag. :noway::nooo:
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    The sooner you get out of this the better. Preferably leaving absolutely no way of him contacting you again. Be aware that the most dangerous moment is when you tell him you're off. Only do it in a public place preferably with a table between you or with people there to protect you or stop him even thinking of hitting you.

    The longer this relationship goes on the more he will think of you as his property to punish when you 'do wrong.'

    My cousin's husband was the most charming chap - he also hospitalised her several times. He was always so very very sorry. He went on anger management courses then came back and did it again. She kept forgiving him until she didn't need to anymore. She was dead - ruptured spleen etc.

    Abusers are usually charming. That's how they get their victims. It's like being a confidence trickster - if you're not charming, plausible and convincing you're no good at the 'job'.
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    No. As soon as he started speaking the "truth" about his abuse in his previous relationship, he's setting a trap to emotionally get you stuck in.


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    Unfortunately, I do have to agree with others that you should stay away from him. He may feel guilty for what he has done but where's guarantee he won't do it again? People rarely change, am speaking from personal experience. My dad hit my mum once, then again and again, and he never changed. Of course, everything depends on you but do you really want to risk your life?
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    No.

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    I would stay clear... Think about how many people get cheated on (inc me), and haven't resorted to hitting somone. It's not a good enough excuse. He hit her for inappropriate behaviour , you may do something that he considers inappropriate behaviour and hit you too.
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    Never.

    I know idiots who have and they have just ended up being abused themselves.
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    I might if he promised to go to regular anger management councilling. I do believe in second chances, but people need to be willing to work for them.

    I'd leave at the first sign of controlling behaviour though.

    To me its a warning flag that he is blaming her for cheating. Physical abuse is never acceptable, and it is in no way her fault he beat her. I think that might be something you need to realise as well.
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    The fact that he's told you this has to make you think he wants to change.

    He's been totally open with you where most guys wont

    if you were my daughter I wouldn't let you near him. But you're not so do what you want but don't expect sympathy
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    OP seriously run away from this guy! What normally happens is you make a tiny mistake,the guy gets angry and does something then gets emotional over it. Then,because you care for him,forgive him. Then the whole cycle continues. Something similar happened to my cousin. She dated this guy who had landed an ex gf in hospital because her injuries were so bad. But my cousin liked him so much that she saw past that. A year later they moved in together and literally 3 days afterwards he tried strangling her because she nearly broke something of his. It was a lucky thing she never told him that she used to do kickboxing for 10 years otherwise she would have been in a terrible state.

    Pretty happy to say that this guy went to jail
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    (Original post by Rakas21)
    He was cheated on multiple times and did not dump her, this suggests he is weak or insecure. He was cheated on and responded with violence, this suggests that he lacks the mental discipline to control his emotions.

    Clearly OP, i recommend that you go no further in your dealings with somebody who is clearly not a good choice as a prospective mate.
    I second this. And please do not stick around because you've slept with him. That's no reason to stay with someone who might hurt you. Anon because I have friends on this, but I knew someone involved in an abusive relationship and I went through an abusive relationship that ended recently (albeit in my case it was emotional abuse), but trust me on this one: you do not want to through any of mess that comes along with abuse of any kind. It messes up your mind, makes you ill, and you lose focus on what's important.
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    I don't think it's as black and white as these people are claiming.

    If everyone was judged and ruled out on previous wrong-doings this world would not progress. I can honestly say I've done MANY bad things in my time, many of which I don't have the intention of doing again. As a man with (hopefully) several more years on this planet, I just can't let myself be defined by my past errors. I don't think anyone should be, especially if they admit to their past mistakes, show genuine remorse and growth.

    There rehabilitated killers, rapists, thieves, drug dealers and so forth functioning society a world away from their past life..

    My advice would be to give him a chance, but begone at the first sign of danger. As you say, he didn't have to tell you, but he did, which speaks volumes.
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    (Original post by pickup)
    The sooner you get out of this the better. Preferably leaving absolutely no way of him contacting you again. Be aware that the most dangerous moment is when you tell him you're off. Only do it in a public place preferably with a table between you or with people there to protect you or stop him even thinking of hitting you.

    The longer this relationship goes on the more he will think of you as his property to punish when you 'do wrong.'

    My cousin's husband was the most charming chap - he also hospitalised her several times. He was always so very very sorry. He went on anger management courses then came back and did it again. She kept forgiving him until she didn't need to anymore. She was dead - ruptured spleen etc.

    Abusers are usually charming. That's how they get their victims. It's like being a confidence trickster - if you're not charming, plausible and convincing you're no good at the 'job'.
    Hey I appreciate your post. Could you just elaborate on the "confidence trickster" part please? Are you trying to say that I need to be careful that he is too nice? Because I'm thinking back and there's a lot of overly nice things he's done that I wouldn't expect to happen if we are only initially dating. That's partially why I find this behaviour from him so hard to believe.
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    (Original post by Foo.mp3)
    You might also deign to enquire if he ever forced her - given the profile of both characters it's perfectly possible
    [/I]
    Could you explain what you mean by this? I'm not sure I follow... do u mean he forced her to cheat?
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    I've been there and trust me that guy will never ever ever change.

    That's from experience no matter how much love and faith you have in them just don't do it.


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    (Original post by stargirl63)
    Hey I appreciate your post. Could you just elaborate on the "confidence trickster" part please? Are you trying to say that I need to be careful that he is too nice? Because I'm thinking back and there's a lot of overly nice things he's done that I wouldn't expect to happen if we are only initially dating. That's partially why I find this behaviour from him so hard to believe.
    Some one who is abusive is working out some deep seated psychological need to dominate and humiliate other people. They tend to choose lovely, warm, caring people (maybe like you? ) because you will want to believe in the goodness of everyone, you will want to please them, you will find it hard to think that there are manipulative, vicious people out there because you are not like that.

    They certainly won't be choosing , in the main, experienced tough cookies who will fight back or be off at the first inkling of abuse. Their speciality is to start off loving and giving and gradually isolate you from friends and family and work on you so that when the abuse occurs you feel responsible yourself.

    They are confidence tricksters in the sense that they are not showing you their true self, they have ulterior motives linked to their desire to manipulate you and get the better of you. Presumably to make themselves feel better, powerful, in control or to make themselves feel that they are righting wrongs committed on them all through their life.

    One of their favourite ploys is to get you feeling sorry for them - by 'confessing' weaknesses, flaws of character. difficult childhoods, cheating former partners etc. This gets you into a vulnerable frame of mind because you will do anything not to hurt them or upset them anymore than they are already. By the time they have shown their true colours and are 'upset' with you and attacking you, you will believe it is because you are wrong, you have not been sensitive enough to their needs etc. This protects them from you because you think that you can't/ shouldn't complain because the assault is your fault.

    Time and time again the victims think that they can 'cure' these people because they can do what no one else can do - their 'love' for the abusers will reform them, It's a kind of self importance , if you like, a belief in their own power. The mirror image of the abuser but without the ruthlessness of the latter.
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    absolutely not


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