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Life, love and family.. Help! watch

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    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You shouldn't have snuck out the house to meet him. Because you've just broken your family's trust. Why can't you just wait till Christmas so your family can meet his?
    Also, on a side note, I always knew my family never trusted me and I accepted that a long time ago. I don't value their opinion since they're so quick to judge, and judge so wrongly. If anything they push me away and make me want to rebel..
    • #3
    #3

    This is a really tricky situation! Do you love him that much to leave your family for him? Do you think your relationship will last for a long time because what if you choose him over your family and he leaves you
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    Also why exactly does your family not trust/like him?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My brother? He has no role in what happened, he got married not long ago and so I chose not to involve him, because I don't want to ruin his life by making him play peacekeeper.
    Peacekeeper? Seriously? Quite the opposite. Your parents will not be reasoned with peace. I'm not even talking about now, I'm talking about your entire life, is he really that ignorant to have missed what was going on with you? I saw the same thing happening to my siblings, and I eventually stopped it from happening again.

    Kept up with what? This life or my relationship?! Sorry just trying to clear up what you meant!
    Your life. You're not entirely innocent of this, surely you know that? You kept up with your parents attitude over you... all the way into your mid-20s.

    I take on board what you said, but for at least the next couple of months, the two are linked, and once the new year starts, I just want to work my way out and away from my family.
    Links can be broken. That's your problem in the first place. It's like you're too afraid to do anything at all. Break your parents' hold over you first, rather than using this boy to do it for you.

    Thank you so much for reading and your post has given me a little hope that someday I'll get some sort of freedom if I work for it.
    You're welcome... but work on it ASAP. Do you have a job?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This is a really tricky situation! Do you love him that much to leave your family for him? Do you think your relationship will last for a long time because what if you choose him over your family and he leaves you
    Yes I really do and I would, because then we could both prove them wrong too! I know him better than his friends who have known him since childhood.. If he wanted to leave me, he would've/could've a long time ago, why stay in a difficult relationship and even try and fight for it to work unless you're serious?!

    He told my family he wants to marry me as soon as he's done with University. I don't see the harm in us meeting up and spending time together in public, which they won't allow at all.

    Thank you for reading!
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    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Also why exactly does your family not trust/like him?
    I think the age gap and different culture, although they act as if they're open minded and that's not an issue. They think negatively of cultures they're unfamiliar with and also because they think he's playing me..

    (Original post by Final Fantasy)
    Peacekeeper? Seriously? Quite the opposite. Your parents will not be reasoned with peace. I'm not even talking about now, I'm talking about your entire life, is he really that ignorant to have missed what was going on with you? I saw the same thing happening to my siblings, and I eventually stopped it from happening again.

    Your life. You're not entirely innocent of this, surely you know that? You kept up with your parents attitude over you... all the way into your mid-20s.

    Links can be broken. That's your problem in the first place. It's like you're too afraid to do anything at all. Break your parents' hold over you first, rather than using this boy to do it for you.

    You're welcome... but work on it ASAP. Do you have a job?
    Oh! Well he's a boy, and they get to do a lot more without question and that's just how society/culture is. He alone can't do anything unfortunately. I don't think there's any way of getting around my parents, well I can't see it. I admire what you did though!

    I kept up with that attitude in the hope that either one day they would allow us more freedom, or accept something like my relationship today because I've done everything they asked/wanted my entire life. I kept their trust for so long and listened to them and when I finally decided to be honest it all backfired and turned out to have been a waste.

    How do I break it? I do have a job, I was full-time, but switched to part-time not too long ago. I'm now looking for a full-time job again, this time further out and away from my area! I can't move out just yet because my current income will only go so far along with my savings, and where I live EVERYTHING is so expensive, especially on my own

    I appreciate your help!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Oh! Well he's a boy, and they get to do a lot more without question and that's just how society/culture is. He alone can't do anything unfortunately. I don't think there's any way of getting around my parents, well I can't see it. I admire what you did though!
    I was a boy too. That's the whole point I mentioned it to you, because we get away with more...

    I kept up with that attitude in the hope that either one day they would allow us more freedom, or accept something like my relationship today because I've done everything they asked/wanted my entire life. I kept their trust for so long and listened to them and when I finally decided to be honest it all backfired and turned out to have been a waste.
    Looks like you've learned the hard way then that your parents will never see you as a strong, independant woman.

    How do I break it? I do have a job, I was full-time, but switched to part-time not too long ago. I'm now looking for a full-time job again, this time further out and away from my area! I can't move out just yet because my current income will only go so far along with my savings, and where I live EVERYTHING is so expensive, especially on my own

    I appreciate your help!
    Start saving more smartly. Get a full-time job, farther away if possible. Keep doing this until you find a better job even farther away, this will take time but you already said that you can't move out just yet so it won't be a problem waiting. Never stop looking.

    You don't have to go at it alone, but it'll definitely make you stronger and less dependant when you're forced to figure things out and find answers on by yourself.
    • #3
    #3

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yes I really do and I would, because then we could both prove them wrong too! I know him better than his friends who have known him since childhood.. If he wanted to leave me, he would've/could've a long time ago, why stay in a difficult relationship and even try and fight for it to work unless you're serious?!

    He told my family he wants to marry me as soon as he's done with University. I don't see the harm in us meeting up and spending time together in public, which they won't allow at all.

    Thank you for reading!
    This is so romantic! I suggest you keep on convincing your parents, tell them how much you love him and how you can't live without him. If they are still not convinced I think you should think about running away with the guy you love and start a new life somewhere else. I am sure your family would come around one day. If I was in your situation I would wait until Christmas though ! Good luck inshallah your parents will change their opinion . You just have to be very honest with them and remember after hardship comes ease!
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been seeing him without them knowing for a whole year, albeit not a lot because I knew I'd get caught out eventually. They caught me as I was leaving from work to go and see him instead of and going coming home.

    When I suggested that idea that day because I'd only just found out about his parents coming, they refused and said no they won't wait because I've known him for so long! Then later they said to me to ask him as a test of whether he loves me or not, but they'd already been terrible to him and he'd spoken to his mum by then, so as I said his parents won't meet me, why would they even consider meeting the family who treated her son so badly?!

    My family make irrational, unreasonable and illogical decisions fuelled from anger. It's no use even talking to them calmly, they refuse to listen or believe anything I say.

    Thanks for reading my post!
    Np.

    Your family are being unreasonable if they aren't even gonna meet this guy you like and his family.

    Is there not anyone in your family you can talk to? Maybe your mum would be more understanding than your dad?
    At least get one of them to call the guy's parents and beg them to apologise to his family.
    • #3
    #3

    what is your ethnic background
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This is so romantic! I suggest you keep on convincing your parents, tell them how much you love him and how you can't live without him. If they are still not convinced I think you should think about running away with the guy you love and start a new life somewhere else. I am sure your family would come around one day. If I was in your situation I would wait until Christmas though ! Good luck inshallah your parents will change their opinion . You just have to be very honest with them and remember after hardship comes ease!
    What the heck, run away with this guy?!
    That's terrible advice. OP could still make amends with her family and they can still get behind her. This guy hasn't even finished uni yet, and she might have to risk her job.
    Not good at all...
    • #1
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    (Original post by Final Fantasy)
    I was a boy too. That's the whole point I mentioned it to you, because we get away with more...

    Looks like you've learned the hard way then that your parents will never see you as a strong, independant woman.

    Start saving more smartly. Get a full-time job, farther away if possible. Keep doing this until you find a better job even farther away, this will take time but you already said that you can't move out just yet so it won't be a problem waiting. Never stop looking.

    You don't have to go at it alone, but it'll definitely make you stronger and less dependant when you're forced to figure things out and find answers on by yourself.
    I know, even then they weren't that relaxed with him, it's hard to explain on a forum! As I said, nothing anyone could do would make a difference, they're set in their ways.

    I have, biggest regret was telling them the truth, they don't even value that I was honest, just how I lied to them about seeing him. They'll only see the bad in anything I do, more so now then ever.

    Yeah I agree, that's my only option, I don't want to leave my City.. But I just want to get away from them and their controlling ways.

    Sadly, I am alone. I have a lot of friends who are being kind and saying it'll get better, but to sort my life out, I have to do it all alone and I'm quite terrified.

    You've been amazing, thank you!!!

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This is so romantic! I suggest you keep on convincing your parents, tell them how much you love him and how you can't live without him. If they are still not convinced I think you should think about running away with the guy you love and start a new life somewhere else. I am sure your family would come around one day. If I was in your situation I would wait until Christmas though ! Good luck inshallah your parents will change their opinion . You just have to be very honest with them and remember after hardship comes ease!
    Haha, well whenever we've met up or when he's planned anything, he makes sure I get only the best! Even yesterday when he tried breaking up for the best, he wanted to take me for a really nice lunch and a walk down some of the most beautiful streets and share his memories, unfortunately I had to dismiss most of his perfect idea, because my parents were on my case!

    I joked with him about running away, but he's sensible and said we need one set of parents to be happy, because reality is, if neither are, we won't work. In the future we'd argue and have no one to turn to or go back to for help, but thank you for the suggestion!

    My family will never accept him, and frankly I don't care if they never do.. It'll be over for good at Christmas, I can't see his mum agreeing to see me.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Np.

    Your family are being unreasonable if they aren't even gonna meet this guy you like and his family.

    Is there not anyone in your family you can talk to? Maybe your mum would be more understanding than your dad?
    At least get one of them to call the guy's parents and beg them to apologise to his family.
    Only my dad has met him once, and I now never want him to meet my family. They don't deserves to know him, not after how they treated him.

    No, my mum seems calm, but flips out as soon as I try and talk about it, because both my parents are convinced that he's using me.

    As for my family apologising sincerely, it'll NEVER happen. They think HE should apologise because the only 'mistake' he made was call my family crazy to them directly on the phone, after they kept shouting at him and blaming him. That's the most he did when he got annoyed. My mum actually wants to slap him I think because she thinks he's made me turn on my own family. It's just sad that she would actually even come up with something like that!

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    what is your ethnic background
    I'm Indian.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What the heck, run away with this guy?!
    That's terrible advice. OP could still make amends with her family and they can still get behind her. This guy hasn't even finished uni yet, and she might have to risk her job.
    Not good at all...
    Ahh don't worry all suggestions are welcome! They will NEVER get behind me, every time I try and think of an approach it fails.. I want him to finish studying, he has good plans, and I know he'll do well. I would never get in the way of that because I want him to be successful and happy with or without me.
    • #1
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    (Original post by Cakeyygirl)
    if it was to happen OP it already would have, clearly your parents arent approving to this marriage, i wouldnt worry tho happens alot in pretty much every muslim/asain family. if i were you id just pray thats all there is left to do tbh dont leave ur family... you may feel the need to escape rn but in the long run you'll be effected big time, ive seen it happen to many trust me... including my own cousin.
    I will make dua for you and hopefully things will get better dont loose hope
    It's not us being together that they don't approve of per se, it's us being in a relationship without being married. I know it's common, but I speak to no one aside from my brother in my family and I only see him for an hour or two maximum everyday, so I'm alone with nothing to do but think, think about how wrong my family is and how they have ruined everything for me!

    Also, I can't go out because my parents are the kind who won't let me back in, even if I just went for a walk to get fresh air as they always jump to conclusion and get angry, so I'm stuck in my room all day.

    Thank you so much, all prayers and thoughts mean a lot because I'm pretty sure my parents are praying for the exact opposite!
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    Your British, you live in the United Kingdom not Pakistan, Bangladeshi, India or whatever!

    Muslim parents need to stop controlling there adult children, they sacrificed that right when they moved to the UK/they choose to live here.

    I am Bangladeshi so I understand the issues you maybe facing. Let me tell you this, your parents will love you no matter what, they might say they'll disown you, they'll emotionally blackmail but at the end of the day they will come running back.

    SCREW THE CULTURE, DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi to whoever takes time out to read this!

    So, where do I start?! I guess a little background would help, I'm in my mid-20s (when you've read all of this you'll understand what I'm doing on this forum!) Muslim, living at home with my family and I work.

    So about a year ago I got into a relationship with a Muslim guy - 4 years younger than me, and from a different culture. At that time I thought I should do the right thing and tell my parents, which I did (and I'll probably regret this for a very long time!) They always told us children that as long as he was a Muslim and the two people were happy they would never refuse or stand in the way.

    I'm a practicing Muslim but definitely not as religious as my parents. My dad asked to meet the guy, which he agreed to do and then he asked to speak to his parents. He spoke to his parents about me several times, but seeing as he's not completed his studies they won't take him seriously nor will they let him get married, which to me makes sense, I actually don't feel ready nor am I in a rush!

    I told my parents this but they refuse to believe me and say he's just saying that and lying to me to make me happy (I know he loves me, but whatever he does, they'll never believe me and he's never good enough!)

    He agreed and liked the idea of introducing me to his mum when she comes over at Christmas to see him (just to clear it up, he's a foreign student, and this will be the first time his family comes here since we've been together, so we've not had an opportunity to do this sooner!)

    Anyway, for the past year I've been sneaking out and about to see him, and recently I got caught out, which I have been anticipating! I got into a huge argument with my family, they called my boyfriend up and started shouting and blaming him for lying and for playing me.

    Now I know people get played/used by others, BUT before getting into a relationship he knew how difficult my family were, he knew that I would barely be able to meet him and when we have it's only been for a few of hours in public. I'm not rich or incredibly stunning or anything special.. What exactly would he be using me for? We don't do anything aside from just 'hang out'. He's studying at University so if he wanted he has plenty of opportunities to cheat on me, to be in an easier relationship, or to do whatever the hell he wants, yet he's chosen to stick by me and make this work.

    The day my parents treated him with such hostility, he spoke to his mum about everything including how I defended him and argued with my family for him, but understandably it upset her a lot and now I don't think she'll agree to meeting me.

    My family gave me an ultimatum, we let the families meet in the Christmas holidays but I can't see him at all until that day (because as Muslims we are not meant to date and we are not married Islamically either) or if I choose to continue to be with him and see him whenever I want, I'm no longer family and most likely they'll kick me out the house.

    We met yesterday (for the last time, as my family think!) and I asked if his family would accept me and he said prior to how my family treated him, they would have. However now his mum is barely speaking to him and he said it's unlikely. I told him to use the time we have now (i.e. give our relationship 2 more months) until they come, to try and convince his mum to at least meet me, because that would give me an opportunity to set things straight. If they accept me, I told him I'd leave my family behind and move out (a friend has agreed to let me stay at hers!) because we have a great relationship and I'd be willing to risk it and make things work out. If, however, his mum refuses to meet me, I agreed that it would mean the end of us and our relationship and I'll accept it.

    Again, I thought I'd do the right thing and tell my parents the conversation we had, and believe it or not, they said he's a sly boy who's lying to me about talking to his mum, and making me believe that my parents are to blame (who I do blame for making me feel miserable and ruining my relationship!) They have continuously judged and accused him without ever giving him a chance. I know he is genuine because I talk to him and we've spent time together, and I know he treats me perfectly.

    I know very realistically I have less than 1% hope of it working out and lasting, because my parents will never budge or change their narrow ways of thinking or even let me make my own decisions. The 1% hope is that he convinces his mum to change her mind and she'll accept me.

    I feel like I'll come to terms with not being with him eventually, but I'll always blame my family and never have any sort of relationship with them again. I have no life outside of going to work, I have to always ask for permission about who I'm seeing, when, where, what time etc. They've been overprotective and suffocating since I was 16 (and for all those years I've lived like that without complaint) but now I feel like I'm merely existing and not living my own life. I had to cancel plans to see my friends because I supposedly 'always make plans when I have time off, and I'm never interested in family or housework'.

    The only reason I'm currently playing happy family is because my brother's wife lives with us, and I have a great relationship with my brother and her, and also because she is unaware of all of this (she happened to be away on the day it all kicked off!)

    I am very grateful for everything my parents have provided and given me, but I feel like I'm now old enough to make my own choices, even if it might not be the right one in their eyes. I want to learn have experienced and grow for myself. It seems like I live in prison and everyday I feel miserable, fed up and have no hope for anything anymore.

    Has anyone ever been in any kind of tricky situation like this? Has it ever worked out how you wanted? Should I even keep hope that life will ever get better for me? Or just any advice, ideas, solutions about what me, him or both of us could do? I really don't want to continue living like this anymore, I'm losing the will to live.

    I'm so sorry this post is so long and if there are any grammatical errors, but this is a very shortened version of everything, but feel free to ask for more details on anything if it would help!

    If you read all of this and reply, then thank you in advance, sometimes I just like an outsiders view, even if it's painful to hear.
    • #1
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    #1

    (Original post by choco_muncher)
    Your British, you live in the United Kingdom not Pakistan, Bangladeshi, India or whatever!

    Muslim parents need to stop controlling there adult children, they sacrificed that right when they moved to the UK/they choose to live here.

    I am Bangladeshi so I understand the issues you maybe facing. Let me tell you this, your parents will love you no matter what, they might say they'll disown you, they'll emotionally blackmail but at the end of the day they will come running back.

    SCREW THE CULTURE, DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
    I agree with you, but we all know that they come from a different generation and will never understand. I've always known that my parents are more traditional and strict in their thinking than people would realise and it's not something I can change. My family have also never understood that I have no interest or feel any sense of connection to my culture, I just don't fit in with their mundane way of living.

    If I do 'whatever I want' I will get kicked out of my house and they have already told me they wouldn't consider me as family and I'd be dead to them. Funny way of showing love eh?!
    At the moment I don't have anywhere else to go, so I'm all alone until or if the situation changes, which it won't because they're very arrogant to see their own faults and mistakes.

    Thanks for understandings!
 
 
 
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