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I don't love him as much as he loves me (HELP) watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hello all, I was wondering if any of you could help me.

    I am currently dating a guy whom is amazing in every way, he buys me stuff, appreciates me and asks how my day is. The only problem is that I don't think I feel the same way as him anymore.

    We have been dating almost two months and he met me over Facebook, turned out he was going to the same university as me and I really liked his personality.

    My problem is that I had broken up with my ex a year earlier and I wasn't ready for a relationship but thought I should give him a chance. He had broken up around the same time too, and it was clear that he was alone and I had felt like it was the least I could do.

    I feel like a horrible person, he always kisses me, tells me loves me and makes me say it back to him even though I don't know if I do. Sometimes he makes me stay with him until he sleeps and I cry at night because I feel so guilty.

    One night he took me out for a date and told me that I should eat salad as "I've had enough" and repeated it until we argued about it later and there have been other instances where he hinted I should change, but he always buys me things to make up for it, to show he loves me.

    Personally, I care about him. And I don't want to hurt him, because I can tell it would kill him if I left, but there are times I think of other guys, think of my ex. I never have felt so trapped and so conflicted of my feelings.

    If someone could please give me advice I would be grateful.
    Hi, I feel that you're in a very difficult relationship and position. I'm going to ask some hard questions, I'm not looking for you to give me an answer, but you to answer yourself:

    He's amazing because he buys you stuff and asks about your day?

    You're two months into a relationship and it's 'love' already? That's pretty early, are you sure he does actually love you?
    It was 'clear' he was alone, and the context of this is romantically. You hadn't gotten over your ex, and the relationship died at about the same time his did. Are you sure he had not replaced his previous partner with you? It looks like he's trying to find what he had before from what you've said here.

    Do you think it's a good idea, or fair on a person to go out with them because you pity them?
    "it was clear that he was alone and I had felt like it was the least I could do."

    Is love a binary thing? Or a process?
    Netflix ted talks on "life hacks". They're quite convincing and will put things in perspective for you.
    To me I see love as a process, it's okay for one to fall faster for their partner than their partner falls for them because it will inevitably be the case for most couples, at different points one will go along that process faster than the other.

    But do you value your emotions so little that you think it's okay for him to order you to love him? Where he's not in a position where you can approach him to say how upset you are?

    "One night he took me out for a date and told me that I should eat salad as "I've had enough" and repeated it until we argued about it later and there have been other instances where he hinted I should change, but he always buys me things to make up for it, to show he loves me."
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    He told you you had had enough to eat? And that you were to eat salad?

    That's similar to a story I've heard before, I want you to tell me what you'd think looking in on this as an outsider:
    Friday evening, after what's clearly been an ehausting weak for the woman, she is with her partner eating chips. Half way through the plate she reaches for more and he pulls it away saying: "I think you've had enough? Don't you!"

    It wouldn't 'kill' him now would it?
    If anything you are surely being used by him to enable his insecurities.

    Now I'm not telling you to break up with him. But I am going to go out on a limb and say you can't fix him. In fact by validating his controlling behavior that's a fair chance that it will become more intense.

    [edit]Though he can fix him, he's the only one who can, he might need help to do it, but that can come in all sorts of forms, like therapy for instance.[/edit]

    It is not selfish to want to be happy. To be in a relationship where you can sefl actualise:
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-a...lf-actualizers



    Relationships often follow patterns. So it's likely that you are both following some sort of pattern here.
    What is it about him that caused you to be in a relationship with him?
    If it was just the pity, why are you happy to get into a relationship on that basis? You deep down know it's not a good idea (because everyone knows that). So why are you able to so easily put yourself second? Have you done it before, or is it a new thing?

    Either way, it doesn't seem fair on yourself at all.
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    (Original post by Emily.97)
    I dont like the sound of him putting pressure on you to change. If you're in a relationship with somebody, they should accept you for who you are.

    I know what it feels like to be trapped, i can wholly relate to this. Even though you're aware it will hurt him, it is equally bad to tell him you love him if you don't. He deserves the truth and you deserve freedom from a partnership that is leaving you feeling isolated like this.

    I think you should consider leaving.
    thank you, and you are right. I feel I just can't do better which is why I am with him and I certainly need to get that thought out of my head
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hello all, I was wondering if any of you could help me.

    I am currently dating a guy whom is amazing in every way, he buys me stuff, appreciates me and asks how my day is. The only problem is that I don't think I feel the same way as him anymore.

    We have been dating almost two months and he met me over Facebook, turned out he was going to the same university as me and I really liked his personality.

    My problem is that I had broken up with my ex a year earlier and I wasn't ready for a relationship but thought I should give him a chance. He had broken up around the same time too, and it was clear that he was alone and I had felt like it was the least I could do.

    I feel like a horrible person, he always kisses me, tells me loves me and makes me say it back to him even though I don't know if I do. Sometimes he makes me stay with him until he sleeps and I cry at night because I feel so guilty.

    One night he took me out for a date and told me that I should eat salad as "I've had enough" and repeated it until we argued about it later and there have been other instances where he hinted I should change, but he always buys me things to make up for it, to show he loves me.

    Personally, I care about him. And I don't want to hurt him, because I can tell it would kill him if I left, but there are times I think of other guys, think of my ex. I never have felt so trapped and so conflicted of my feelings.

    If someone could please give me advice I would be grateful.
    He doesn't actually sound nice. He sounds controlling and manipulative. His behaviour is classic of what would develop into domestic abuse. I've been there, so I know the warning signs.

    STEER CLEAR
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    #1

    (Original post by there's too much love)
    Hi, I feel that you're in a very difficult relationship and position. I'm going to ask some hard questions, I'm not looking for you to give me an answer, but you to answer yourself:

    He's amazing because he buys you stuff and asks about your day?

    You're two months into a relationship and it's 'love' already? That's pretty early, are you sure he does actually love you?
    It was 'clear' he was alone, and the context of this is romantically. You hadn't gotten over your ex, and the relationship died at about the same time his did. Are you sure he had not replaced his previous partner with you? It looks like he's trying to find what he had before from what you've said here.

    Do you think it's a good idea, or fair on a person to go out with them because you pity them?
    "it was clear that he was alone and I had felt like it was the least I could do."

    Is love a binary thing? Or a process?
    Netflix ted talks on "life hacks". They're quite convincing and will put things in perspective for you.
    To me I see love as a process, it's okay for one to fall faster for their partner than their partner falls for them because it will inevitably be the case for most couples, at different points one will go along that process faster than the other.

    But do you value your emotions so little that you think it's okay for him to order you to love him? Where he's not in a position where you can approach him to say how upset you are?

    "One night he took me out for a date and told me that I should eat salad as "I've had enough" and repeated it until we argued about it later and there have been other instances where he hinted I should change, but he always buys me things to make up for it, to show he loves me."
    0.0.



    0.0


    0.0


    He told you you had had enough to eat? And that you were to eat salad?

    That's similar to a story I've heard before, I want you to tell me what you'd think looking in on this as an outsider:
    Friday evening, after what's clearly been an ehausting weak for the woman, she is with her partner eating chips. Half way through the plate she reaches for more and he pulls it away saying: "I think you've had enough? Don't you!"

    It wouldn't 'kill' him now would it?
    If anything you are surely being used by him to enable his insecurities.

    Now I'm not telling you to break up with him. But I am going to go out on a limb and say you can't fix him. In fact by validating his controlling behavior that's a fair chance that it will become more intense.

    [edit]Though he can fix him, he's the only one who can, he might need help to do it, but that can come in all sorts of forms, like therapy for instance.[/edit]

    It is not selfish to want to be happy. To be in a relationship where you can sefl actualise:
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-a...lf-actualizers



    Relationships often follow patterns. So it's likely that you are both following some sort of pattern here.
    What is it about him that caused you to be in a relationship with him?
    If it was just the pity, why are you happy to get into a relationship on that basis? You deep down know it's not a good idea (because everyone knows that). So why are you able to so easily put yourself second? Have you done it before, or is it a new thing?

    Either way, it doesn't seem fair on yourself at all.
    you are so right I personally didn't know what to do until I read all that. It helped a lot thank you!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    thank you, and you are right. I feel I just can't do better which is why I am with him and I certainly need to get that thought out of my head
    What do you mean by "can't do better"?

    I think it's more that you just don't seem compatible. Don't stay with him for the sake of insecurity. Again, that isn't healthy for either of you.
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    (Original post by Emily.97)
    What do you mean by "can't do better"?

    I think it's more that you just don't seem compatible. Don't stay with him for the sake of insecurity. Again, that isn't healthy for either of you.
    I think i meant that because he is always around me, giving me attention I am scared of being alone. But I realise like you say, it is not right or healthy for me to think like that, because I can be fine.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    you are so right I personally didn't know what to do until I read all that. It helped a lot thank you!
    Good, just be prepared for whatever you do to be hard . But my best advice is to be completely honest however you do what you are going to do .
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I think i meant that because he is always around me, giving me attention I am scared of being alone. But I realise like you say, it is not right or healthy for me to think like that, because I can be fine.
    Ah,i see.
    There is no denying that it will be difficult to be separated from somebody familiar. I won't deny that. But you have to look at these kind of situations with principle (eg If i dont love him, i shouldnt be with him) and act accordingly.
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    (Original post by georgiaswift)
    If you don't feel the same way about him you should break up, it isn't fair. Plus the fact that he's trying to change you, telling you what you should eat etc, and then buying you things to make up for it is a red flag. If somebody I'd only been dating for two months told me what to eat or tried to hint that I should change, he'd be out the door
    it's just a bit of salad...

    There is something to be learned from this thread. The more a man invests into his girlfriend/ spouse, the less attractive he becomes to her. Your boyfriend was deluded into thinking that he could buy your affection, when ironically that just made him less and less attractive.

    Put him out of his misery already.
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    What have you done since?
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    (Original post by Tom Jickleson)
    it's just a bit of salad...

    There is something to be learned from this thread. The more a man invests into his girlfriend/ spouse, the less attractive he becomes to her. Your boyfriend was deluded into thinking that he could buy your affection, when ironically that just made him less and less attractive.

    Put him out of his misery already.
    The principle of trying to control someone's eating habits in month 2 of a new relationship is completely off though. You shouldn't really be doing it at all in a relationship full stop unless it have severe health consequences.

    OP I would end this on the controlling behaviour alone.

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    thank you, I should dump him, i just don't want to make things awkward now :/
    Uhh and pretending you want to be with him day in and day out isn't awkward enough as it is?
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    From the moment I read the part you said he buys you stuff I knew where this was going. Don't forget that it easy for some people to buy affection. I hope you make the right decision! It's only been two months at the end of the day, so either leave and find happiness or continue to be unhappy in this relationship.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    thank you, I should dump him, i just don't want to make things awkward now :/
    How would you feel if you found out someone had stayed with you because they didn't want things to be awkward?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    thank you, I should dump him, i just don't want to make things awkward now :/
    Bit late for that now I think.
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    (Original post by phunky_fresh)
    From the moment I read the part you said he buys you stuff I knew where this was going. Don't forget that it easy for some people to buy affection. I hope you make the right decision! It's only been two months at the end of the day, so either leave and find happiness or continue to be unhappy in this relationship.
    thank you, i do understand. being pretty young it can be hard to understand what is real or not
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    Love wavers and changes.

    What should matter is that you like him.

    Love will come back. Just give it time. If you break up someone every time you feel bad, you will never have a successful relationship.

    And contrary to what someone else said: his happiness is your responsibility. If you care about him, you will make sacrifices and change yourself to make him happy.

    Good luck. I hope it works out for you.
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    (Original post by 41b)
    Love wavers and changes.

    What should matter is that you like him.

    Love will come back. Just give it time. If you break up someone every time you feel bad, you will never have a successful relationship.

    And contrary to what someone else said: his happiness is your responsibility. If you care about him, you will make sacrifices and change yourself to make him happy.

    Good luck. I hope it works out for you.
    i agree with you on that, hence why i am so conflicted about it. I don't want it to be the case where I ditched him before we worked things out. but at the same time i don't know how if staying is the right thing to do.
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    There's no way out. Basically, you're ****ed. This is why I don't do relationships.

    You have to leave his sorry ass now.
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    (Original post by ThePrick)
    There's no way out. Basically, you're ****ed. This is why I don't do relationships.

    You have to leave his sorry ass now.
    at least you're honest :/
 
 
 
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