When I was very young and fit I had a wonderful diet and often produced spectular *****.
But when visiting my parents I was loathe to use their loo because it sometimes didn't work properly for some reason.
One night when I went to the loo at their house just before going home I produced an effort so spectacular that it stuck out of the bowl like a giant torpedo.
My last tube was due in 15 minutes and I only had 10 minutes to walk to the station.
So I got some newspaper and wrapped the massive **** in it and left with the intention of dumping it in the large bin at the top of the road.
But as I approached the top of the road I could see the bin was overflowing so I elected to leave it in the alleyway just before the top of the road.
Just as I turned into the alleyway carrying this long item wrapped conspicuously in newspaper and presumably acting in a somewhat furtive manner,although I didn't think so at the time, a ruddy great police van full of coppers came round the corner,stopped and two PCs -one female* -got out.
I realised they could only have got out to speak to me for some reason as no one else was around and they'd stopped near the alleyway.
So I threw my package over the nearest garden fence.
The PCs stopped and searched me and asked me where the item I was carrying was.
To cut a long story short,the police knocked up this old lady at midnight and searched her garden,found the offensive item and let me off only when I told them that my father was violent and would have beaten my mother had I blocked the toilet at their house.(Not true)
I missed my last train and never took another dump at my parents house.
*i don't know why I felt the need to mention this other than it embarrassed me at the time I suppose