Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Dealing with a sociopathic parent who is getting support from his family Watch

    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    but still.<br>What had I ought to do?
    I see you used the <br> but I still can't tell if you mentioned your age?
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by 999tigger)
    okay have read it now. how old are you, what stage of education and what do you want? Not rude jist asking so I can take it into account.
    Feedback, advice , empathy?
    Stole my question mate lol
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by 999tigger)
    okay have read it now. how old are you, what stage of education and what do you want? Not rude jist asking so I can take it into account.
    18, A2 levels. I want to get my mum and brother out while passing my a levels. I have made a good impression on unis (got a reduced offer from kent) without really mentioning it, and I have a letter the unis got about it, although not in any level of detail, so with any luck the system will take mercy on me if I **** up because I am too busy keeping an eye on my family to revise or am too stressed to retain anything.
    • Very Important Poster
    Offline

    19
    Very Important Poster
    No worries mard. its a worrying and difficult situation, so it does help having relevant information becayse it would change depending on age and other things. Am thinking OP. Thinking what i would do in the given situation.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by 999tigger)
    No worries mard. its a worrying and difficult situation, so it does help having relevant information becayse it would change depending on age and other things. Am thinking OP. Thinking what i would do in the given situation.
    Any other information just ask.
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Not really. We have a grandfather, but he isn't all that rich, and her brother who is already supporting a family of 5 and holds down a stressful job. I have been trying to get them to separate, and they say they will do it after my exams, the issue Is that Its nigh impossible to focus at home since you can cut the atmosphere with a knife.
    For studying just try and get all your work done at the library stay there as much as you can.
    Then I know you said your grandad doesn't have much money but I'm assuming it's better than a minimum wage job. So it's better if you move to his house

    I think your mum should definitely move away from your dad, if he's a sociopath like you say he could be, then he doesn't give two shits about her well-being now. He might give you money but he doesn't care at all.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Eternalflames)
    For studying just try and get all your work done at the library stay there as much as you can.
    Then I know you said your grandad doesn't have much money but I'm assuming it's better than a minimum wage job. So it's better if you move to his house

    I think your mum should definitely move away from your dad, if he's a sociopath like you say he could be, then he doesn't give two shits about her well-being now. He might give you money but he doesn't care at all.
    I have been trying to get her to leave, but she won't. I think she still loves him in spite of all this, she keeps blaming herself, she has said that she thinks if she left or died things would be great. I also have no power over her so I can't get her to seek help.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    18, A2 levels. I want to get my mum and brother out while passing my a levels. I have made a good impression on unis (got a reduced offer from kent) without really mentioning it, and I have a letter the unis got about it, although not in any level of detail, so with any luck the system will take mercy on me if I **** up because I am too busy keeping an eye on my family to revise or am too stressed to retain anything.
    That's a little selfish isn't it. You want your parents out just bc you want to focus. Well I suggest you move that lazy bum to the library to avoid such distractions at home. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, your mum + brother are also having a hard time.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Leukocyte)
    That's a little selfish isn't it. You want your parents out just bc you want to focus. Well I suggest you move that lazy bum to the library to avoid such distractions at home. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, your mum + brother are also having a hard time.
    No, thats not why. Its because he is beating her up. It does effect me though, and that is one of the effects.

    He has been doing it for 20 years mate, my exams are minor compared to this, but at the same time I value my life somewhat too. I am their only emotional support at the moment too.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Leukocyte)
    That's a little selfish isn't it. You want your parents out just bc you want to focus. Well I suggest you move that lazy bum to the library to avoid such distractions at home. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, your mum + brother are also having a hard time.
    I really shouldn't have written it like that, I really didn't mean it like that.
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I have been trying to get her to leave, but she won't. I think she still loves him in spite of all this, she keeps blaming herself, she has said that she thinks if she left or died things would be great. I also have no power over her so I can't get her to seek help.
    Poor woman, she has the trauma bond most victims of sociopathic seduction get
    For her own sake she has to leave. Even if it means you drag her out of the house, you must all stop having contact with your father and his family.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    No, thats not why. Its because he is beating her up. It does effect me though, and that is one of the effects.

    He has been doing it for 20 years mate, my exams are minor compared to this, but at the same time I value my life somewhat too. I am their only emotional support at the moment too.
    I suggest you contact someone bc getting abused is a serious matter. No wife should be beaten for 20 years of her life.

    if he has been doing it for 20 years that's already a sign that you're strong and have dealt with it for this long. I know you value your life and I understand and can sympathise.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Eternalflames)
    Poor woman, she has the trauma bond most victims of sociopathic seduction get
    For her own sake she has to leave. Even if it means you drag her out of the house, you must all stop having contact with your father and his family.
    I really really want to, I have been trying to get her to do it for at least a year (when I realised how this wasn't normal) and so far I have managed to get her to go to a doctor and tell him about it.

    The issue is that she was married to an abusive man before, and she says she doesn't want to die alone and that nobody would want her because she is dying. I haven't got a clue what to say to her honestly.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Leukocyte)
    I suggest you contact someone bc getting abused is a serious matter. No wife should be beaten for 20 years of her life.

    if he has been doing it for 20 years that's already a sign that you're strong and have dealt with it for this long. I know you value your life and I understand and can sympathise.
    I'm sorry I shouldn't have come across like that, I am just worried I will end up being stuck in this if things don't work out as they should. The school already knows a cut down version, as does the GP, the issue is we deliberately play it down since social services will split the family and likely seperate my brother from his mum. Not to mention my brother still loves my dad somehow.
    • Very Important Poster
    Offline

    19
    Very Important Poster
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Any other information just ask.
    I'm a bit stumped at the moment. obviously the ideal is you all move away, but you have problems.

    1. He's a sociopath.
    2. You have no money
    3. your mum doesnt want to move away and is abused anyway.
    4. You have the mafia family to contend with anyway.

    So the scenario is you talk about running away, your mum agrees, then she changes her mind or your dad comes after you or they call in the family and he lawyers.

    So if you make a move you need to get

    1. Your mom onboard. 2. have somewhere to go. 3 have the legal angles covered.


    It cant happen without your mum, namely because she wouldnt leave without without your brother anyway, shs scared and with the diagnosis, shes probably thinking of hanging on long enough for your brother to escap and has pretty much given up after that. Perhaps she might change her mind if she had somewhere to go and she knew she had a good chance of resisting the family. If its old and established, even if its rich I have a feeling they would make it extremely hard to get support, so id almost save the effort.

    You said shed consulted lawyers? So they are aware?

    Your mum needs to talk to someone maybe from a refuge, so they cna help her see there is an opion of getting away and not being subject to abuse. Maybe shed settle for ten years peace than whats currently on offer?

    Freephone 24-Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline Run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge 0808 2000 247

    She probably already talks to them but she needs a fallback place to talk to someone who isnt scared of him. She needs to be carefull about the phone so he can never track who she is calling. The refuge might be able to get her to see things in perspective, shes being abused, but that she can leave if she wnats to and disappear. t cna only really be done without your dad knowing and then the domestic abuse unit cna slap some injunctions on him.

    Seems to me she won do that though, becayse shed rather have a roof over her head than being in a refuge or on the benefits system. Theres also the aspect of getting your broither out of school as well. A refuge should be able to handle it and keep her safe, but they have limited resources and your dad sounds like the type who would ignore an injunction and get private detectives. I think your mum and baby borither are too bulnerable on their own without trystworthy friends.

    The only thing i cna think of at the moment is if they do run, then the only other person she cna rely on is you. You could get a job and maybe a house so you could keep an eye on them. It would entail putting off uni for a few years, but its all speculative. At the moment i dont see your mum being strong enough to run and stay away from their clutches?

    Can i have some more fedback please. Am still thinking, but for me unless your mum is willing to take action, then you have an almost impossible battle to try and protect her.

    You could ofc get some evidence against him, but if hes a sociopath it might be hard to catch him out. Also if he every found cameras he would go ballistic.


    This is the number for get connectedthe mix, which is a helpline for young people. 0808 08084994
    http://www.getconnected.org.uk/get-h...-and-violence/
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I really really want to, I have been trying to get her to do it for at least a year (when I realised how this wasn't normal) and so far I have managed to get her to go to a doctor and tell him about it.

    The issue is that she was married to an abusive man before, and she says she doesn't want to die alone and that nobody would want her because she is dying. I haven't got a clue what to say to her honestly.
    She has you and your brother for support, she doesn't need a man in her life. If money is what she's concerned with then you could ask the hospitals or local council to help her out. She should be able to get funds if she's ill.
    I would ask for help with a local MP or abuse victims centre, they might be able to help you guys out financially.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by 999tigger)
    I'm a bit stumped at the moment. obviously the ideal is you all move away, but you have problems.

    1. He's a sociopath.
    2. You have no money
    3. your mum doesnt want to move away and is abused anyway.
    4. You have the mafia family to contend with anyway.

    So the scenario is you talk about running away, your mum agrees, then she changes her mind or your dad comes after you or they call in the family and he lawyers.

    So if you make a move you need to get

    1. Your mom onboard. 2. have somewhere to go. 3 have the legal angles covered.


    It cant happen without your mum, namely because she wouldnt leave without without your brother anyway, shs scared and with the diagnosis, shes probably thinking of hanging on long enough for your brother to escap and has pretty much given up after that. Perhaps she might change her mind if she had somewhere to go and she knew she had a good chance of resisting the family. If its old and established, even if its rich I have a feeling they would make it extremely hard to get support, so id almost save the effort.

    You said shed consulted lawyers? So they are aware?

    Your mum needs to talk to someone maybe from a refuge, so they cna help her see there is an opion of getting away and not being subject to abuse. Maybe shed settle for ten years peace than whats currently on offer?

    Freephone 24-Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline Run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge 0808 2000 247

    She probably already talks to them but she needs a fallback place to talk to someone who isnt scared of him. She needs to be carefull about the phone so he can never track who she is calling. The refuge might be able to get her to see things in perspective, shes being abused, but that she can leave if she wnats to and disappear. t cna only really be done without your dad knowing and then the domestic abuse unit cna slap some injunctions on him.

    Seems to me she won do that though, becayse shed rather have a roof over her head than being in a refuge or on the benefits system. Theres also the aspect of getting your broither out of school as well. A refuge should be able to handle it and keep her safe, but they have limited resources and your dad sounds like the type who would ignore an injunction and get private detectives. I think your mum and baby borither are too bulnerable on their own without trystworthy friends.

    The only thing i cna think of at the moment is if they do run, then the only other person she cna rely on is you. You could get a job and maybe a house so you could keep an eye on them. It would entail putting off uni for a few years, but its all speculative. At the moment i dont see your mum being strong enough to run and stay away from their clutches?

    Can i have some more fedback please. Am still thinking, but for me unless your mum is willing to take action, then you have an almost impossible battle to try and protect her.

    You could ofc get some evidence against him, but if hes a sociopath it might be hard to catch him out. Also if he every found cameras he would go ballistic.


    This is the number for get connectedthe mix, which is a helpline for young people. 0808 08084994
    http://www.getconnected.org.uk/get-h...-and-violence/
    Lawyers know some, they offered her a restraining order as I have said. I don't think they are so much a mafia family since they are well connected and rich but I think it is more down to collective mental illness than anything. We have hours of recordings, pictures of where he has punched us too. However, he also records us too and there is suspicion he has bugged the house. The main issue is, that her illness is as such that she needs to spend good amount of money on things like purified water, otherwise she could potentially get ill and that can half her life.

    My browser is acting weirdly, I will try to respond a little later with more information if you need it.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Eternalflames)
    She has you and your brother for support, she doesn't need a man in her life. If money is what she's concerned with then you could ask the hospitals or local council to help her out. She should be able to get funds if she's ill.
    I would ask for help with a local MP or abuse victims centre, they might be able to help you guys out financially.
    Its the thing that gets to her the most, she keeps telling me that she wants to be loved and not die alone. I think she craves affection from somebody who cares and Isn't her child.

    Its very difficult since, being in her 50s and terminally ill, there is a lot of men who don't want that.
    • Very Important Poster
    Offline

    19
    Very Important Poster
    So ma looking at articles on sociopaths, its frightening, but the problem is your mum and 20 years of abuse, which has destried her self esteem and made her percceive the world based upon how he wnats her to see it. Its like brainwashing andnits going to be a long time before she talks to enough people outside who cna unwire her brain and thoughts. She probably doesnt realise the extent of his abuse and has that dependency/ excuse making for him that all abused people do.

    If she can get counseling herself it would be great, but it really needs o eb with someone like a doemstic abuse counselor not someone deaing with depression. Toyr dad wouldnt allow that.

    Btw how biolent is he or is it mostly mental abuse?
    Offline

    16
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My entire life I have lived under the shadow of a family that I struggle to describe as anything other than feudal. The only thing that has protected me Is that my mum has stood up to it for my entire life at least.They do all kinds of weird things. They have an actual head of the family who coordinates family efforts and acts in an autocratic way (my great uncle), and he has exiled people from the family before (his wife, stopped her seeing her children). They also have a picture of the queen over the table in his house (they often eat as a family as this is mandated to all bar maybe my dad), they even have a goddam coat of arms. Marriages are really weird too, because while they aren't organised as such but unless the head of the family approves they don't happen. A lot of them are also reasonably high ranking freemasons. It's almost like those conservative Pakistani families without the honour killings.Basically, my mum has resisted this since she became aware of this. She didn't name me according to the convention that the family are supposed to a user (AJG) and opposed my father, to unpleasant consequences. She is routinely psychologically abused, and it starting to get to a point where she thinks things would go better for me and my brother if she was dead. Occasionally, he will beat her too, the last time was in September, but the screaming woke me up and I had to step in. I am lucky I haven't had to fist fight him yet since It has come close on maybe half a dozen occasions. My mum is at her wits end, she keeps saying that she feels like nothing and will never marry again, but she keeps saying that she doesn't want to die alone. What's crushing her just as much though is that she is suffering from a terminal illness, and she recently received her death dates (they are more than a decade away, but still) My dad doesn't care and baits her with a transplant. She has been living like a pauper while my dad earns a lot of money and goes to lavish parties with work colleges.We have our suspicions that my dad is a sociopath, and we know he is very bipolar. I have been through counselling and the counsellor stated in the first session he was undoubtedly a sociopath. He blames us for all problems, we are six figures in debt simply because He can't be bothered to pay for things without credit cards and is late on taxes he can easily pay. He has threatened to kick me out over a minor disagreement and has threatened to have my mum killed by a hitman. He probably didn't mean it, but It just goes to show how screwed he is mentally. What gets me is that his side of the family back him strongly in his insanity, claiming that my mother has brainwashed me and my brother in spite of having seen it multiple times. This is probably since he is likely a de facto "heir apparent" or some crazy stuff.My brother is luckily out of the way most of the time, but It doesn't stop him feeling it. I think it is safe to say he is depressed (although puberty). He has started to self-harm a little, and I try to get through to him but he just pushes me away. He has around 70% school attendance, which is concerning, but luckily he is intelligent enough to get good grades regardless. I went through it that as well at his age, although the main difference is that I got higher grades but had fewer friends (since I was very aggressive).As for me, I have been wielding all the influence I have to get my mum and brother out. Since I am imposing physically, my dad has stopped being so violent when I am in the house. Since the last time, though, I struggle to sleep and I am often up at 3am listening to him drink on weekdays and weekends regardless. I am getting to a point where I am struggling to read emotions well. I can't remember two years of my life (apparently when the abuse was most intense), but now I am not really abused since my dad knows if he tries any stupid **** I will fight him. I feel like I am the only thing standing between him and my mother, and once had to threaten him with a chair to get him to stop. He could probably still win, but I could still hurt him enough to put him in an ambulance too. He, again, mostly psychologically abused me, although he did occasionally hit me ( I have photos somewhere, and I may upload them although I am kinda reluctant since I feel like I am making a mountain out of a molehill). I am not depressed, though since I feel like a resolution is on the horizon.As for what has already been done. I have told my friends about much of it, and most of them, especially this one girl in our group, have been really nice about it. She has told me she will always be there for me, and I really like her for it, although she is a girl in a group of guys. I have also been seeing a counsellor as I mentioned, and he has been a great help for me. As for the rest of my family, my mum's terminal illness has a legal element, so her legal team know and offered her a restraining order against him. The police have been called twice too, although he has never spent a night in a cell like he probably should. The first time was when he flipped a car during an argument, the second was when he threatened to have my mum killed. My brother has been offered counselling but he has turned down (I felt the same at his age). Other things have been done that I don't know about, but still.What had I ought to do? I am trying to get them to divorce so much for my mum's wellbeing, but I have no power. The family have a lot of power so they could potentially jeopardise a lot. Sorry if this is ranty, but I felt like I needed to put it out there. I am not worried about myself, it's more my brother and mum who I am worried about. Any questions just ask.tl;dr: My Father and his side of the family act In a really weird, dynastic way. The abuse coming from them is making our lives hell and has made it really difficult to judge feelings.
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    ****, sorry for bad formatting, better version:
    My entire life I have lived under the shadow of a family that I struggle to describe as anything other than feudal. The only thing that has protected me Is that my mum has stood up to it for my entire life at least.They do all kinds of weird things. They have an actual head of the family who coordinates family efforts and acts in an autocratic way (my great uncle), and he has exiled people from the family before (his wife, stopped her seeing her children). They also have a picture of the queen over the table in his house (they often eat as a family as this is mandated to all bar maybe my dad), they even have a goddam coat of arms. Marriages are really weird too, because while they aren't organised as such but unless the head of the family approves they don't happen. A lot of them are also reasonably high ranking freemasons. It's almost like those conservative Pakistani families without the honour killings.Basically, my mum has resisted this since she became aware of this. She didn't name me according to the convention that the family are supposed to a user (AJG) and opposed my father, to unpleasant consequences. She is routinely psychologically abused, and it starting to get to a point where she thinks things would go better for me and my brother if she was dead. Occasionally, he will beat her too, the last time was in September, but the screaming woke me up and I had to step in. I am lucky I haven't had to fist fight him yet since It has come close on maybe half a dozen occasions. My mum is at her wits end, she keeps saying that she feels like nothing and will never marry again, but she keeps saying that she doesn't want to die alone. What's crushing her just as much though is that she is suffering from a terminal illness, and she recently received her death dates (they are more than a decade away, but still) My dad doesn't care and baits her with a transplant. She has been living like a pauper while my dad earns a lot of money and goes to lavish parties with work colleges.We have our suspicions that my dad is a sociopath, and we know he is very bipolar. I have been through counselling and the counsellor stated in the first session he was undoubtedly a sociopath. He blames us for all problems, we are six figures in debt simply because He can't be bothered to pay for things without credit cards and is late on taxes he can easily pay. He has threatened to kick me out over a minor disagreement and has threatened to have my mum killed by a hitman. He probably didn't mean it, but It just goes to show how screwed he is mentally. What gets me is that his side of the family back him strongly in his insanity, claiming that my mother has brainwashed me and my brother in spite of having seen it multiple times. This is probably since he is likely a de facto "heir apparent" or some crazy stuff.My brother is luckily out of the way most of the time, but It doesn't stop him feeling it. I think it is safe to say he is depressed (although puberty). He has started to self-harm a little, and I try to get through to him but he just pushes me away. He has around 70% school attendance, which is concerning, but luckily he is intelligent enough to get good grades regardless. I went through it that as well at his age, although the main difference is that I got higher grades but had fewer friends (since I was very aggressive).As for me, I have been wielding all the influence I have to get my mum and brother out. Since I am imposing physically, my dad has stopped being so violent when I am in the house. Since the last time, though, I struggle to sleep and I am often up at 3am listening to him drink on weekdays and weekends regardless. I am getting to a point where I am struggling to read emotions well. I can't remember two years of my life (apparently when the abuse was most intense), but now I am not really abused since my dad knows if he tries any stupid **** I will fight him. I feel like I am the only thing standing between him and my mother, and once had to threaten him with a chair to get him to stop. He could probably still win, but I could still hurt him enough to put him in an ambulance too. He, again, mostly psychologically abused me, although he did occasionally hit me ( I have photos somewhere, and I may upload them although I am kinda reluctant since I feel like I am making a mountain out of a molehill). I am not depressed, though since I feel like a resolution is on the horizon.As for what has already been done. I have told my friends about much of it, and most of them, especially this one girl in our group, have been really nice about it. She has told me she will always be there for me, and I really like her for it, although she is a girl in a group of guys. I have also been seeing a counsellor as I mentioned, and he has been a great help for me. As for the rest of my family, my mum's terminal illness has a legal element, so her legal team know and offered her a restraining order against him. The police have been called twice too, although he has never spent a night in a cell like he probably should. The first time was when he flipped a car during an argument, the second was when he threatened to have my mum killed. My brother has been offered counselling but he has turned down (I felt the same at his age). Other things have been done that I don't know about, but still.What had I ought to do? I am trying to get them to divorce so much for my mum's wellbeing, but I have no power. The family have a lot of power so they could potentially jeopardise a lot. Sorry if this is ranty, but I felt like I needed to put it out there. I am not worried about myself, it's more my brother and mum who I am worried about. Any questions just ask.tl;dr: My Father and his side of the family act In a really weird, dynastic way. The abuse coming from them is making our lives hell and has made it really difficult to judge feelings.
    What's up with the essays tonight.
    Some of us are dyslexic
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: April 23, 2016
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Brussels sprouts
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.