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Why is my bf like this, is it me? Watch

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    (Original post by ComputerMaths97)
    With all due respect you're seeing it from a girls perspective. I'm able to see it from the guys perspective, I truly have no idea how the girl feels. I didn't say anything over than what the guy could potentially be thinking, because women always paint guys in the worst possible light because of their reactions, and not there pre-actions. So I thought I'd balance it, and additionally you're really making a mockery of truly horrific abusive partners, he just seems to get angry easily. He's not beating her, so don't try that abusive rubbish.

    People are so biased on here, swear I spent 50% of my time just offering opposing views that I don't even agree with just to open people's eyes.

    Btw people have different standards. His "shouting and swearing" could be normal for him, so he may not see it as a horrible thing to do unless you tell him. Some people are really opposed to swearing, and therefore have no respect for people that use swear words frequently. So does that mean that all people who swear a lot are abusive and awful people. No, it's all perspective.
    I posted after the original post and pointed this out ..that swearing/getting irritated is what he is used to at work. Overall most people would say he is a decent person even though he has had lots of relationships which have ended for some reason or other. I have looked at it from his side but it seems you havent seen the post. Ive put myself in his position tried to reverse the situation and thought well i wouldnt mind if my partner nipped home, i dont get the issue.

    Im aware that no relationship issue is due to just one partner, both have faults and mine are showing lack of passion and not communicating well. I dont like telling people what i really think/feel expecially him as he has strong opinions. I do need to be more assertive but i cant imagine a very assertive person being in a successful relationship with him (though might be wrong).
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    (Original post by Sabby888)
    Just re-read your post. It's clear you're listing excuses by pretending to psycho-analyse him and justify his rude words.

    Sorry, I don't know what kind of people you hang out with and what kind of behaviour you view as healthy. But if what he said to her is considered normal for you, I'd seriously consider meeting new people.
    Seriously? Best case scenario this is a guy with anger issues that is rubbish at portraying what he wants from someone, but just really wants to spend time with her more often, and doesn't understand that people can't just always be available to spend time with you. Worst case scenario he's just a selfish bully, but the fact you jump straight to the worst case scenario when they're equally plausable just shows that you had an opinion before you even knew the whole situation. I can't fault you for it, we all fall for our own prejudgements sometimes. You just need to be able to see it.

    I'll explain why I say this stuff. I have a brother who has slight anger issues, well, I don't actually know what they're called but he will very quickly get enraged and start swearing at people. This has gotten him beaten up a few times, he's lost friends and girlfriends because of all the single breakouts. It only happens a couple times a year, but he just goes from angry to wanting to kill you in seconds. But I can honestly say he is such a kind guy beyond that, always been the most thoughtful out of all my siblings, always had the best heart and been the least selfish. But people view him a horrible person because of his rare, but still evident, outbursts. I just don't think it's fair that everyone always assumes the worst case scenario. He's young, and learning, but people are just different and for the OP's bf, what you view as verbal abuse may just be being angry for him. Just saying I'm not saying it's definitely the case, but it's so clearly a possibility that this guy has good intentions but awful experience and therefore an awful way of showing it.
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    (Original post by georgiaswift)
    The bits in bold are bits I strongly disagree with. The first bit is incredibly sexist, as you're generalising all women and all men.

    Secondly, as someone who has been in an abusive relationship I can tell you right now that you don't have to physically assault someone to abuse them.

    My ex forbade me from wearing skirts, dresses, makeup, jewellery, clothes of certain colours, heels, shorts, and low cut t shirts. I wasn't allowed to wear my hair down, I wasn't allowed to talk to men (not even my best friend of 15 years), and he constantly accused me of sleeping with people, from my boss to my 13 year old (at the time) brother, as well as accusing me about lying about where I was an who I was with. I also wasn't allowed out without permission, and if I wanted to leave he'd threaten to kill himself and it would all be my fault.

    But if he never physically hit me, it's not abuse? You're the one trivialising sufferers of abuse by saying it can only be physical, not me.
    So you've "been in an abusive relationship" that seems severe and yet you're still unable to see how minute the OP's bf's "abuse" is. It's nothing compared to actual serious abuse, but I can see you have a knee-jerk-like reaction for potentially abusive partners so I can only accept your bias. P.S I hope your ex dies in hell.

    Sexism, really? Ah what an awful world we live in. Using the word women and/or men is sexist. Great.

    I could even say "Women tend to have boobs" and that would be sexist by modern extremists' views so I'm not going to take in that comment. But each to their own.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My boyfriend has been helping out at a sports meet today and i went too but wasnt really needed so just watched most of the day. He asked me to help him with some equipment stands which i did. However i dreaded it beforehand as he usually gets irritated with me. Lo and behold i didnt put the stand away as he wanted and he started swearing saying '****ing useless, wake up, get out of bed earlier'. So i walked off went to the toilets and cried a bit in a cubicle lol. I never cry in front of others and i probably was being soft but it brought feelings i have about feeling useless in general life as i can be dopy.

    He rang me twice but i didnt answer as i didnt want him to know it upset me. I went to him half an hour later and he put his arm around me and said 'friends?' I just squirted some orange tinted water at him jokingly and said that i was going to nip home for a bit but i wasnt sure if he heard as he got iterrupted. In all honesty I thought why should i stand waiting for him when he insults me plus i had jobs to be doing at home until he had finished there. I went to my car and he rang. I said i was nipping home he said something in annoyed tone then hung up.

    I rang him twice hours later but no answer. He sent a text asked what i was doing i said just jobs in the house he replied 'just feels like another wasted weekend'. In the past he said we dont spend enough time together so i took it to mean that it was because of me going home. I replied 'Theres been a sports comp all day cant help that. After watching events I didnt want to stand around for longer doing nothing they didnt need help so came home did washing etc'

    He replied 'what a load of bull'.

    I replied 'So cant say what i did cause its bull and am in the wrong for going home for a bit, ok.'
    He said again 'what a load of bull'. I didnt know what else to reply so just put 'good reply, i might save that for my drafts'.

    Sorty if this bored you to death but just wanted opinions. Is it me thats too sensitive/in the wrong or whatever?
    He sounds like a ****** tbh. Ditch him?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I posted after the original post and pointed this out ..that swearing/getting irritated is what he is used to at work. Overall most people would say he is a decent person even though he has had lots of relationships which have ended for some reason or other. I have looked at it from his side but it seems you havent seen the post. Ive put myself in his position tried to reverse the situation and thought well i wouldnt mind if my partner nipped home, i dont get the issue.

    Im aware that no relationship issue is due to just one partner, both have faults and mine are showing lack of passion and not communicating well. I dont like telling people what i really think/feel expecially him as he has strong opinions. I do need to be more assertive but i cant imagine a very assertive person being in a successful relationship with him (though might be wrong).
    The bit in bold is why you'll never understand. He is not the same as you. Think from his perspective, not your perspective but in his shoes. Some people would get incredibly upset by that. Just saying.

    I think you're answering your own questions though. I've showed you the very plausable opposing argument and you're refusing to take it in properly so you're clearly not wanting to be in a relationship with him since you're trying your best to convince some person over the internet that he's a big issue. It's clear you have an agenda, you want a lot of people online to say yeah he's abusive get rid of him so you don't feel bad. Just go with your own view, some anonymous posters online shouldn't shape your life decisions.
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    I wish it was possible for humans to look at something with an unbiased view. We all subconsciously think that our beliefs are fact, and therefore our brains enforce them on any story, slightly blinding us from the actual facts. We're useless lmao
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    (Original post by ComputerMaths97)
    Seriously? Best case scenario this is a guy with anger issues that is rubbish at portraying what he wants from someone, but just really wants to spend time with her more often, and doesn't understand that people can't just always be available to spend time with you. Worst case scenario he's just a selfish bully, but the fact you jump straight to the worst case scenario when they're equally plausable just shows that you had an opinion before you even knew the whole situation. I can't fault you for it, we all fall for our own prejudgements sometimes. You just need to be able to see it.

    I'll explain why I say this stuff. I have a brother who has slight anger issues, well, I don't actually know what they're called but he will very quickly get enraged and start swearing at people. This has gotten him beaten up a few times, he's lost friends and girlfriends because of all the single breakouts. It only happens a couple times a year, but he just goes from angry to wanting to kill you in seconds. But I can honestly say he is such a kind guy beyond that, always been the most thoughtful out of all my siblings, always had the best heart and been the least selfish. But people view him a horrible person because of his rare, but still evident, outbursts. I just don't think it's fair that everyone always assumes the worst case scenario. He's young, and learning, but people are just different and for the OP's bf, what you view as verbal abuse may just be being angry for him. Just saying I'm not saying it's definitely the case, but it's so clearly a possibility that this guy has good intentions but awful experience and therefore an awful way of showing it.
    Your brother actually sounds very sweet. And his outbursts that happen a couple times a year can be overlooked since 99.9% of the time outside of those bursts he is a wonderful person.

    It's funny you mention that, because my brother's actually the exact same. He'd go through some periods where he'd be so angry he punches a hole through the wall because yes, his emotions do get the best of him sometimes. Recently he did get in trouble for punching someone in his class. Despite that I love him with all my heart and i'd honestly genuinely call him the kindest purest person in my family.

    However, OP's boyfriend doesn't sound like either of our brothers at all. I mean read what she said. Okay, forget the part where he swore at her that one day, even though that for me is bad enough. Let's focus on the part where she said she likes to keep quiet because she's scared she might annoy him, and where he usually gets irritated with her in general? Why would anyone even want to have a friend like that, let alone a boyfriend?
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    (Original post by georgiaswift)
    My ex forbade me from wearing skirts, dresses, makeup, jewellery, clothes of certain colours, heels, shorts, and low cut t shirts. I wasn't allowed to wear my hair down
    Sorry if me joking is offensive but he should have had me, i never wear skirts, jewellery or make up, my bf calls me for not dressing pretty enough . Nah he probably would have been the opposite with me and told me that i couldnt wear trousers as your relationship was all about control, im glad you didnt stay.
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    (Original post by ComputerMaths97)
    I don't get what he did wrong? You're both being equally childish.

    Let me explain it from his perspective, cos most guys are similar.

    He had to be busy for the day, but wanted an excuse to spend the day with you. See how he asked you? He obviously didn't need the help, he just wanted your company. Then, as he get's irritated by the fact you're not really spending any time together, he's on a short fuse and then when he tries to force some contact, you don't help him so he snaps, and just unfortunately it managed to insult something you feel strongly about. Just chance. Then he tried to call you constantly and you ignored him, so he assumed you were upset and didn't want to talk. So obviously, that upset him. Then when he finally gets to see you, he puts his arm around you to try and comfort you and see if you too are still good. Then a bit of miscommunication, which from his point of view may have seemed like you were basically saying "no" after he said "friends?" Then he rang you because he didn't want you to go, and you further insisted you're leaving. This, of course, upset him even further. He's tried hard all day to spend some time with you and you're just not having it. Then he even tells you "it feels like a wasted weekend" then you show no emotion back, just give him a plain and frankly rude reply. He then, even more annoyed, just starts acting childish.

    All he was trying to do was spend time with you, but of course from your point of view you think he's a childish bully. You have to learn to look at it from his point of view

    He thinks you don't wanna spend time with him.
    Good points and am a girl.
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    (Original post by Sabby888)
    Your brother actually sounds very sweet. And his outbursts that happen a couple times a year can be overlooked since 99.9% of the time outside of those bursts he is a wonderful person.

    It's funny you mention that, because my brother's actually the exact same. He'd go through some periods where he'd be so angry he punches a hole through the wall because yes, his emotions do get the best of him sometimes. Recently he did get in trouble for punching someone in his class. Despite that I love him with all my heart and i'd honestly genuinely call him the kindest purest person in my family.

    However, OP's boyfriend doesn't sound like either of our brothers at all. I mean read what she said. Okay, forget the part where he swore at her that one day, even though that for me is bad enough. Let's focus on the part where she said she likes to keep quiet because she's scared she might annoy him, and where he usually gets irritated with her in general? Why would anyone even want to have a friend like that, let alone a boyfriend?
    Yeah I see what you mean, it's just that all my brother has taught me is that you have to know so much more about someone than their stand out negatives in order to fairly evaluate the type of person they are. That is why, with the limited info we have from OP, I just brought up a, honestly unlikely but still very plausable, description of the situation. It just helps take the emotion out when people are able to see potential good in a person they thought we're all bad. With everyone in the thread jumping straight to assuming he's a horrible human being, I thought it was only fair to demonstrate a potentially true opposing perspective.
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    (Original post by euphrosyne)
    If it was that easy, I'd do it! But I can't :rolleyes:
    It's not like you signed a freaking contract when you started seeing him.

    It's sad because you deserve so much better, but what's even more sad is that you don't realize it yourself.
    • #3
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Sorry if me joking is offensive but he should have had me, i never wear skirts, jewellery or make up, my bf calls me for not dressing pretty enough . Nah he probably would have been the opposite with me and told me that i couldnt wear trousers as your relationship was all about control, im glad you didnt stay.
    That is serious matter and should not be joked with.
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    (Original post by ComputerMaths97)
    I wish it was possible for humans to look at something with an unbiased view. We all subconsciously think that our beliefs are fact, and therefore our brains enforce them on any story, slightly blinding us from the actual facts. We're useless lmao
    Yes thats interesting, its where robots have the advantage as we are just big balls of bias. This bias and perception of behaviours is what helps us to give ourselves morals though. If we put ourselves too much into the other persons perspective we could make excuses for people all day. At what point do you stop looking for reasons/excuses for peoples behaviours, like paedophiles have their reasons and justifications. I see what you mean though, i think. Sorry if ive misunderstood.

    You think that i am posting this so that people will agree with me and I'l then have a valid reason to leave the bf. From my perspective I wanted opinions as to what/if i was doing anything wrong, i guess to reassure myself.
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    (Original post by ComputerMaths97)
    Yeah I see what you mean, it's just that all my brother has taught me is that you have to know so much more about someone than their stand out negatives in order to fairly evaluate the type of person they are. That is why, with the limited info we have from OP, I just brought up a, honestly unlikely but still very plausable, description of the situation. It just helps take the emotion out when people are able to see potential good in a person they thought we're all bad. With everyone in the thread jumping straight to assuming he's a horrible human being, I thought it was only fair to demonstrate a potentially true opposing perspective.
    Sure, I definitely see where you're coming from. I know lots of people i hated at first but when i got to know them past the obvious negatives started to like them. But you said it yourself, you brought up an unlikely description of the situation. Truth is, regardless of their intentions if someone treats you like OP's boyfriend it's likely because they don't understand the concept of respect towards someone you love. And that to me is not acceptable. My brother would never insult me like that, or make me feel like I irritate him generally, or make me want to stay quiet for fear of what he might say, as there's a difference between temporarily losing your temper and just being plain disrespectful.

    To the OP: everyone has different standards. If you personally are happy with this kind of behaviour, and you find it doesn't affect you in a negative way mentally or physically, then sure, stay in the relationship. It's your life and decision. However speaking from a personal point of view I don't see his behaviour as a sign of love, and there are so many men out there that can truly treat a woman right. But again, it's your choice, most important thing is you stay happy. Good luck
 
 
 
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