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Mum wants me to give her money watch

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    (Original post by fatima1998)
    where :creep:
    :rolleyes:
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    "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" - Ghandi

    So what if she wasn't "supportive" or the "greatest" you be better person in this situation.

    What goes around comes around.
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    It is definitely not a requirement. It's your money and your decision what you do with it.

    I'm of the opinion that you don't owe your parents anything for bringing you up. Your mum brought you into the world so it was her responsibility to bring you up. And, like any adult, it is also her responsibility to fund her own lifestyle.

    Perhaps, I would lend my parents money in an emergency but that isn't what's going on here. Your Mum is making it clear she doesn't even intend to try and provide for herself. 'when I'm broke'. How about working and not being broke? That is laziness and I wouldn't be having any of it.

    I would make it clear to her now that she is not getting any money off you.

    My parents haven't asked and I'm sure they wouldn't but I wouldn't give them money even if I was earning 6 figures. Why should I? The haven't given me anything. In fact, even if I won millions on the lottery, I wouldn't give them anything.
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    (Original post by 0to100)
    "Obligation?" Maybe in whatever culture you come from. But it truly is no one's responsibility to take care of another adult. Especially when you're struggling yourself. It does help keep his mum alive and healthy, though, maybe which he can benefit from if he plans on needing his mum around him as a grown man...but this kind of mooching comes from not putting your foot down end of.
    Imo if you can't help your mother in life you have failed.

    Obs some people have insane mothers , im talking in general.
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    (Original post by TSR Mustafa)
    Imo if you can't help your mother in life you have failed.

    Obs some people have insane mothers , im talking in general.
    Well that's obviously your little culture where you're taught to worship and look after your elders, no matter what they do to you or don't do for you yourself, and you're entitled to your opinion but how dare you call someone a failure? If they're trying to survive best way they can that ain't a ****ing failure. If AN ADULT needs ANOTHER ADULT to pay their way no matter WHO then THEY'RE the "failure" in the room.
    • #3
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    i think you don't have to but if you have some to spare and you want your mom and your siblings to survive that you could maybe give her a little or give her something to help her get some more qualifications or advice or something to help her
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    Definitely help your mum and siblings out! They are your flesh and blood. And your own mother...come on..
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I know that this is my Mother - she raised me! - however she also wasn't helpful (and was actually pretty counter-productive and cruel) when I needed her during a very hard depressive time fairly recently. It's something that I'll never forget unfortunately. But aside from that, just the assumption that I'll help no matter my situation made me feel very stressed out. My partner feels the same about his family too and if we were both earning six figures we would help instantly. But we're not.
    Your mother, an apparently educated member of a stable and (relatively) prosperous first-world society, nevertheless undertook of her own free will to create and thereby assume prima facie legal responsibility for four dependents until adulthood; so contrary to the inevitable barrage of boilerplate reasoning concocted from third-world cultural detritus by a cohort of hidebound morons whose ostensibly moral arguments are little more than emotional blackmail parading as a half-baked appeal to authority, you do not owe her anything whatsoever by mere incident of a birth and upbringing in which you had no choice.

    As such, the key moral consideration here rests not on whether you feel she happens to have discharged a parental role to the minimum standard of competence incumbent upon literally anyone raising children in this country, but whether she did so to an extent which would warrant extraordinary reciprocation on your part. Or, alternatively: whether she was—and is—in your estimation, not just a parent, but rather a good mother.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I am one of five children, the eldest by 8 years minimum. My Mum is turning 50 this year, I'm 25 this year.

    After a nasty separation from my step dad (where they seemingly did not talk about finances post-separation) she's now having to raise my four siblings who are in Year 9 or above whilst on benefits.

    She has (very outdated) qualifications in child care so if she were to get back into that vocation she would have to study again. Something she can't afford.

    In the last couple of years she's made lighthearted jokes and comments about 'us five' looking after her when she's older and broke. She's never brought it up as a serious topic but I can tell that there's some definite truth in there.

    I've realised recently that the date where she will be needing extra financial support is much sooner than anticipated due to child benefits stopping when my siblings turn 16. And that a conversation will need to happen between myself and my Mum about what she's going to do.

    I cannot afford to help her at this moment in time. And the likelihood of myself and my partner reaching a high financial income will be through his work, not mine. Meaning that it would be his money technically, I'm not prepared to ask him to fund my Mum.

    I'm frustrated because being the eldest by such a large margin means that it will be on my shoulders as an issue to deal with long before any of my siblings.

    My partner is also in a similar situation (though he's the youngest - however best with his money in the family) and his Mum has mentioned about us helping her out later on.

    I know that this is my Mother - she raised me! - however she also wasn't helpful (and was actually pretty counter-productive and cruel) when I needed her during a very hard depressive time fairly recently. It's something that I'll never forget unfortunately. But aside from that, just the assumption that I'll help no matter my situation made me feel very stressed out. My partner feels the same about his family too and if we were both earning six figures we would help instantly. But we're not.

    I'm just wondering what people's thoughts are on this? Have your parents expressed a similar thought? Do you think it's just a requirement we help our parents no questions asked or is it pretty selfish to assume your children will look after you no matter what?
    In my opinion, my money is my mums money. When I work, she is in control of my income and she saves it all up for me because she knows I spend my money like water. I make her happy, she sacrificed a lot for me, I was brought up well despite my fathers absence and she was always there for me when I needed her, I will always be there for her even till she's old and frail. That's my culture.

    My partner spends his money on me, he earns a lot and he never lets me pay for anything so win win.
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    (Original post by ~scorpio~)
    In my opinion, my money is my mums money. When I work, she is in control of my income and she saves it all up for me because she knows I spend my money like water. I make her happy, she sacrificed a lot for me, I was brought up well despite my fathers absence and she was always there for me when I needed her, I will always be there for her even till she's old and frail. That's my culture.
    My mother worked tirelessly to insulate my brother and me from abject poverty when my father showed himself to be constitutionally incapable of raising anything more emotionally complex than a bottle of Jack Daniels. In that scenario, I'd argue that repaying the gesture—whether symbolically or otherwise—isn't so much a sign of 'culture' as it is basic human decency.
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    If its 'culture' that drives true good values into people then what an excellent 'culture'! After every effort your mother made for you when you were most dependant on her, it is not right to leave her in her time need. Her life turned 360 for you..be appreciative.

    9 months of hardship as you grew in her womb
    Countless nights in which she forsook her sleep for you
    Years of upbringing you- with her wealth, emotions and physical efforts.

    Yes. She may have made mistakes but everyone makes mistake.

    She is your mother...what would you want your daughter to do?
    • #1
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    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Can't your mum somehow force your stepdad to help with the finances, legally I mean. I can't imagine how hard it must be for your mum to raise all those kids on her own but it really shouldn't be your responsibility unless you're financially stable yourself.
    (Original post by Azoiryx)
    I would say go for it, it can help her, and she might do a massive favour back.
    (Original post by p3ssimist)
    Are some of your siblings the step-dad's children? If so then she should force him to help out. I'd take him to court if he refuses.
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i think you don't have to but if you have some to spare and you want your mom and your siblings to survive that you could maybe give her a little or give her something to help her get some more qualifications or advice or something to help her
    (Original post by maryammm)
    Definitely help your mum and siblings out! They are your flesh and blood. And your own mother...come on..
    She's actually referring to a point in the future when my siblings have grown up and moved out. Not this moment in time when my siblings are still in the house. It would be just her I'd be helping, not my siblings.

    (Original post by ~scorpio~)
    In my opinion, my money is my mums money. When I work, she is in control of my income and she saves it all up for me because she knows I spend my money like water. I make her happy, she sacrificed a lot for me, I was brought up well despite my fathers absence and she was always there for me when I needed her, I will always be there for her even till she's old and frail. That's my culture.

    My partner spends his money on me, he earns a lot and he never lets me pay for anything so win win.
    My partner has a very low income, I have a very low income. We're working on building it up between us but we're only just getting to the point where we can actually buy nice things for ourselves. We are getting by, and my Mum knows this. She's knows our financial situation - and the only way she could think that we're more well off is if she's overestimating my partner's income. Which is exactly that, my partners income. Not mine.

    [QUOTE=maryammm;65656891She is your mother...what would you want your daughter to do?[/QUOTE]

    I would never put her in that situation. I'd be mortified if I had to ask my daughter for help.

    (Original post by Azoiryx)
    I would say go for it, it can help her, and she might do a massive favour back.
    Like what? I'm not sure she would. It's coming across that she's just expecting this help for nothing because she's my mother.

    (Original post by Wolfram Alpha)
    I think it's an obligation for every child to look after their parents and provide them with anything they require. You've already mentioned this but our parents have raised us and although your mother may not have been helpful for a period of your life when you would have appreciated her support, everything she has done for you for many years cannot be discounted because of a one time incident. I can see that you would like to help your mother but feel as though it's not possible because of your earnings. If I was in your position I would probably start a second part time job to help her out. I don't see why it's selfish for parents to assume their children will be there in times of need in the future. If that was the case then it would also be selfish for children to expect their parents to provide them with a good upbringing. A lot of people don't realise the greatness of parents and often only realise this once they have passed away. I'm staring the obvious but no one in this world will ever love you or want the best for you as much as your parents. They are truly irreplaceable.
    I agree with the most part of what you've said. However, I don't believe that it's my obligation to put myself out further with a second job to fund my mother?

    We have history when it comes to money and jobs. I got seriously depressed in my early twenties, I hated my job and it only ever made me worse. I ended up quitting and claiming ESA because I was too ill. My Mum was angry that I wouldn't be bringing as much money into the house as I was before. She was more bothered about the money than her daughter's mental health. That was a massive kick in the teeth and it meant that I never got better whilst in that house. I gave her contributions from my ESA whilst pretty much bedridden but she didn't feel it was enough still. She ended up denying my partner access to the home, probably as an incentive for me to go out and get a job again and then kicking me out eventually when I didn't show signs of recovery. That 'one time incident' lasted six months and they were honestly the worst six months of my life.

    We get on again now (until the subject of jobs or money is brought up because we clearly don't see eye to eye) but I didn't get better from her help or support, I didn't cope very well when I ended up finding my own place and barely affording it. All of the support and love that was shown to me during my worst period was my partner. Which is why we now live together and support each other.
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    (Original post by maryammm)
    If its 'culture' that drives true good values into people then what an excellent 'culture'! After every effort your mother made for you when you were most dependant on her, it is not right to leave her in her time need. Her life turned 360 for you..be appreciative.

    9 months of hardship as you grew in her womb
    Countless nights in which she forsook her sleep for you
    Years of upbringing you- with her wealth, emotions and physical efforts.


    Yes. She may have made mistakes but everyone makes mistake.

    She is your mother...what would you want your daughter to do?
    Once again: she decided to become a parent—four times over, in fact—so the above argument is both irrelevant and tantamount to emotional blackmail. If you think your children 'owe' you anything because you chose to procreate and satisfy the absolute baseline qualification for parenthood in a country where stable infertile couples are queuing in their droves to adopt others' misbegotten offspring, you're hopelessly deluded.
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    (Original post by Profesh)
    Once again: she decided to become a parent—four times over, in fact—so the above argument is both irrelevant and tantamount to emotional blackmail. If you think your children 'owe' you anything because you chose to procreate and satisfy the absolute baseline qualification for parenthood in a country where stable infertile couples are queuing in their droves to adopt others' misbegotten offspring, you're hopelessly deluded.
    It's not really a choice. It's nature. If women never gave birth then humanity will cease to exist. No one enjoys going through tough 9 months pregnancy and childbirth, but it has to be done otherwise you wouldn't be here today spewing nonsense. This is why mothers deserve utmost respect because they brought you into this world and attended all your needs from when you were a baby to a child,the emotional bond is innate. They could have just easily abandoned you. They didn't have to breastfeed you and give you all the nutrients you need so the least thing you can do is appreciate them in all the little things they do for you and show them respect before karma hits you when you have children, that's if you do.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    We have history when it comes to money and jobs. I got seriously depressed in my early twenties, I hated my job and it only ever made me worse. I ended up quitting and claiming ESA because I was too ill. My Mum was angry that I wouldn't be bringing as much money into the house as I was before. She was more bothered about the money than her daughter's mental health. That was a massive kick in the teeth and it meant that I never got better whilst in that house. I gave her contributions from my ESA whilst pretty much bedridden but she didn't feel it was enough still. She ended up denying my partner access to the home, probably as an incentive for me to go out and get a job again and then kicking me out eventually when I didn't show signs of recovery. That 'one time incident' lasted six months and they were honestly the worst six months of my life.
    She did the minimum necessary to raise you, forsook you during your time of greatest need, and then turfed you out with nary a twinge of remorse. You owe her nothing.
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    I don't think you are obliged to pay her anything and that you should only help her if you want to. Besides don't child benefits continue until someone is 18 as long as they are in full time education.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I am one of five children, the eldest by 8 years minimum. My Mum is turning 50 this year, I'm 25 this year.

    After a nasty separation from my step dad (where they seemingly did not talk about finances post-separation) she's now having to raise my four siblings who are in Year 9 or above whilst on benefits.

    She has (very outdated) qualifications in child care so if she were to get back into that vocation she would have to study again. Something she can't afford.

    In the last couple of years she's made lighthearted jokes and comments about 'us five' looking after her when she's older and broke. She's never brought it up as a serious topic but I can tell that there's some definite truth in there.

    I've realised recently that the date where she will be needing extra financial support is much sooner than anticipated due to child benefits stopping when my siblings turn 16. And that a conversation will need to happen between myself and my Mum about what she's going to do.

    I cannot afford to help her at this moment in time. And the likelihood of myself and my partner reaching a high financial income will be through his work, not mine. Meaning that it would be his money technically, I'm not prepared to ask him to fund my Mum.

    I'm frustrated because being the eldest by such a large margin means that it will be on my shoulders as an issue to deal with long before any of my siblings.

    My partner is also in a similar situation (though he's the youngest - however best with his money in the family) and his Mum has mentioned about us helping her out later on.

    I know that this is my Mother - she raised me! - however she also wasn't helpful (and was actually pretty counter-productive and cruel) when I needed her during a very hard depressive time fairly recently. It's something that I'll never forget unfortunately. But aside from that, just the assumption that I'll help no matter my situation made me feel very stressed out. My partner feels the same about his family too and if we were both earning six figures we would help instantly. But we're not.

    I'm just wondering what people's thoughts are on this? Have your parents expressed a similar thought? Do you think it's just a requirement we help our parents no questions asked or is it pretty selfish to assume your children will look after you no matter what?
    Tricky situation, in principle you should be able helping, but pragmatically it is not feasible. Indeed it seems that this money will be a recurring problem rather than a short-term shortage. Providing a consistent flow of money to her is not sustainable for either of you, so perhaps offer to help for the next six months but emphasise that your mother cannot rely on you for support forever.
    • #4
    #4

    We get on again now (until the subject of jobs or money is brought up because we clearly don't see eye to eye) but I didn't get better from her help or support, I didn't cope very well when I ended up finding my own place and barely affording it. All of the support and love that was shown to me during my worst period was my partner. Which is why we now live together and support each other.[/QUOTE]

    I think some of the replies you have received are very unfair. Your mother is only 50, she potentially has a working life of 20 years ahead of her and her children are reasonably old (year 9 and above?). She should be planning for her own future rather than expect you to step in and replace the benefits she will lose when the children are older. Helping out family members when they are in trouble is one thing; being expected to provide a regular income for years for an independent adult is quite another. We're not talking about taking in an elderly relative who can't look after themselves, but subsidising a relatively young woman who is more comfortable taking money from her children than earning her own.

    If she survives on benefits there will be help/guidance for training etc that could help her upgrade her skills. Carers are always in demand and as she has previously worked in a caring environment, perhaps that is something she could look into. Getting back to work can be difficult and daunting, but she will be far less vulnerable if she earns her own money.

    Best of luck
    (PS I am a similar age to your mother with adult children)
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    She's actually referring to a point in the future when my siblings have grown up and moved out. Not this moment in time when my siblings are still in the house. It would be just her I'd be helping, not my siblings.



    My partner has a very low income, I have a very low income. We're working on building it up between us but we're only just getting to the point where we can actually buy nice things for ourselves. We are getting by, and my Mum knows this. She's knows our financial situation - and the only way she could think that we're more well off is if she's overestimating my partner's income. Which is exactly that, my partners income. Not mine.



    I would never put her in that situation. I'd be mortified if I had to ask my daughter for help.



    Like what? I'm not sure she would. It's coming across that she's just expecting this help for nothing because she's my mother.



    I agree with the most part of what you've said. However, I don't believe that it's my obligation to put myself out further with a second job to fund my mother?

    We have history when it comes to money and jobs. I got seriously depressed in my early twenties, I hated my job and it only ever made me worse. I ended up quitting and claiming ESA because I was too ill. My Mum was angry that I wouldn't be bringing as much money into the house as I was before. She was more bothered about the money than her daughter's mental health. That was a massive kick in the teeth and it meant that I never got better whilst in that house. I gave her contributions from my ESA whilst pretty much bedridden but she didn't feel it was enough still. She ended up denying my partner access to the home, probably as an incentive for me to go out and get a job again and then kicking me out eventually when I didn't show signs of recovery. That 'one time incident' lasted six months and they were honestly the worst six months of my life.

    We get on again now (until the subject of jobs or money is brought up because we clearly don't see eye to eye) but I didn't get better from her help or support, I didn't cope very well when I ended up finding my own place and barely affording it. All of the support and love that was shown to me during my worst period was my partner. Which is why we now live together and support each other.
    Well, then get help, you might no want your mother to go to an old peoples home when shes older but it helps, it helped my grandmother. But its your and her choice. Hopes this helps.
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    (Original post by ~scorpio~)
    It's not really a choice. It's nature. If women never gave birth then humanity will cease to exist.
    If this were the immediate aftermath of World War 2, or a biblical famine, that line of argument might actually have some bearing. As it is, our national population in 2015 crested some sixty-four million, so trying to justify the uncontrolled, largely mindless proliferation of offspring by individuals of questionable motive and parental suitability as though they're performing some kind of altruistic service to mankind no longer holds water.

    No one enjoys going through tough 9 months pregnancy and childbirth, but it has to be done otherwise you wouldn't be here today spewing nonsense. This is why mothers deserve utmost respect because they brought you into this world and attended all your needs from when you were a baby to a child,the emotional bond is innate. They could have just easily abandoned you. They didn't have to breastfeed you so the least thing you can do is appreciate them in all the little things they do for you and show them respect before karma hits you when you have children, that's if you do.
    Yet again: 'attending to the needs' of your children is a legal duty arising from a voluntary act which, absent duress, is undertaken for one's personal gratification and as such, constitutes its own reward—much as turning up at the role you chose and satisfying the minimum quota of productivity may earn you a salary, but in a competitive environment does not entitle you to job security nor to your employer's automatic gratitude or admiration—and given the plethora of potential custodians who would be perfectly willing to shoulder that same, self-imposed responsibility to a greater moral and intellectual standard than required of them by law, merely adequate parenting in a society prosperous enough to sustain itself without your meagre genetic contribution does not grant you the right to expect exceptional sacrifices from your children; unless, of course, you saw fit to provide them with a similarly exceptional upbringing in their turn.
 
 
 
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