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am I undatable watch
- 13-07-2016 22:19
- 13-07-2016 23:25
HFASD/Asperger's Syndrome is an ordeal and then some. It is few and far between that you'll find people who are patient enough to try and understand/empathise with you, you will find that most will reject you because the things that are exciting/valued to you aren't compatible with the things that are to them.
You're more likely to be liable to make remarks that are less appropriate (ie socially alienating) that you might find completely fine - that's because the social dance of normal interactions is hard, and you might feel it's pointless but the unfortunate reality is that it's how society works.
It's certainly possible to learn how to play along, but you have to understand a bit more about yourself.
If someone's asking about how your day's been, they're not really interested in your day but more about judging whether you're a social person to speak to. If your day's been rubbish and you tell them your day has been godawful and how depressed you feel - you're less likely to make friends and influence people and more likely to make others feel that you're a social drag.
It's also a really bad idea to dip straight into big talk, it suggests you're a bit too enthusiastic and that is not necessarily a positive thing. A little small talk is an introduction (if you do IT, it's like the handshake to establish contact - treat it like a formality), a bit of medium talk to get to know them, then some big talk when you're quite familiar with them.
A well developed person with Asperger's can have a reasonable social circle. You need both friends of virtue (close friends that you really relate to) and social friends that you hang out with, else University will be a tough time for you. An isolating environment where you have too much time on your own can quickly lead into anxiety/depression.
The thing you need to realise is, you have a very unique/particular way of looking at the world and connecting the dots - it might be a kind of rigid flowchart "if, then" kind of mentality, or it might be that your compulsions to understand deeply about a particular passionate subject can be quite strange to most.
It's likely that you engage in hyperfocusing/perseverative behaviours, which will be distressing/alarming to most - this can be dialed down by virtue of being aware of it and feeling a sense that you should stop after a while.
In Startrek, you're most similar to Commander Data.
It is this rigidity that you need to work on the most. By virtue of being aware of your own thought patterns/thinking processes (and how they might differ from others) you can adjust the way you communicate depending on the environment, which is probably the most beneficial social skills you can learn with Asperger's Syndrome.
There will be moments where you find being social is draining, like your batteries are nearly flat - that's fine, you need some alone time to recharge but don't neglect your friends. If it makes it any easier, think about friendship as sort of an exchange of mutual care/affection. If you stop paying your friendship bills and responding back to them, you may lose contact when you need them later.
You won't be liked or even necessarily accepted by everyone but that's okay - it's better to go for people who are more willing to accept you anyway. You'll probably like passionate, academic people with the same kind of thirst or drive and ambition/aspiration who are in some sense similar to you but have different views on some things so your discussions make you feel a connection because you have a deep respect for them.
Try and find spaces where you are more likely to meet these people. University Societies have many who share similar interests. If you normally revise at home, try doing some revision in a coffee shop and speaking to other students there.
By doing all these things, even though it doesn't address the "undatable" thing, you become a more social person who have a much better chance of finding someone that loves you in an intimate way.Last edited by Rather_Cynical; 13-07-2016 at 23:46.
- 13-07-2016 23:42
No you are not undateable. I have a friend with Asperger's, and he's got a girlfriend at the minute. He's about eight or nine months younger than me as well, and I've never had a girlfriend (there's a reason for that tho) and also you need to put yourself out there. Try mingling and finding the right someone. You never know what could happen...
(Original post by sameehaiqbal)
- 13-07-2016 23:47
I am really sorry to hear that you are going through such an ordeal. There is definitely a woman out there who would love you to the moon and back.
Okay, look, not meaning to criticize the above posters because their advice and support was sound, but the notion that there is someone out there for everyone is a repulsive lie that needs to stop being repeated.OP; perhaps it may be best to check out a forum related to your condition and seeking advice from people such as yourself who have struggled with dating and succeed. Dating is not easy even for the best of people, so don't let yourself feel down about it too much. What I will say is that if you're a genuine lad, you have plenty of opportunity to find a decent lass.
- 14-07-2016 16:53
Spoiler:ShowJust kidding! Considered dating someone with similar barriers a la 'undatables' and related specialist dating agencies?Last edited by Foo.mp3; 14-07-2016 at 16:54.
- 23-11-2016 22:49
- 23-11-2016 22:57
- 23-11-2016 23:02
Why do people revive old threads?