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Cheating on your partner- is it ever okay? Watch

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    (Original post by Natalierm2707)
    not neccesaNot so much in control of their behavoir. Some people have issues they are not willing to discuss openly, and some people cannot physically know when their limit is. I have seen people who I would normally class as a heavyweight on a night out after having less than usual be on the floor, it depends on many factors. For some people peer pressure is a thing, and many get spiked so it can be done without intention.

    The thing is just because they got themselves that drunk doesnt mean they ever intended to cheat, or ever would normally, a lot of times people this drunk are taken advantage of and end up being kissed and because they are so drunk they dont know how to react or even what is going on. Drinking is not a great excuse, but you cannot say just because they got that drunk means they cheated on purpose because that is never the case with this situation, and trust me, it happens a lot more often than people let on...
    Not so much that they cheated on purpose, but more that they should take responsibility for that first step and the decision to drink. I appreciate everything you're saying but I still don't think that makes it justified or makes them innocent.
    If you love some one in a relationship you wouldn't cheat on them, full stop. That's my opinion, we can agree to disagree.
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    (Original post by Mrs House)
    People get drunk all the time. It's not an excuse to cheat. What happens if they get drunk a further 10 times, is that ok too?
    (Original post by 0to100)
    Was hoping you wouldn't say that. That's not a mistake, that's carelessness, recklessness, someone who can't control themselves with liquor and probably not without it either to get that pissed...I've been blathered out my face and don't just go round sticking my nob in the wrong hole :laugh:
    I understand this comment as it goes around a lot, but what happens if your so drunk that your taken advantage of by others? The drunk partner in question may have been randomly kissed by a person who saw them as an easy pull, and it may not have gone any further. The partner in question did not cheat at all in this situation, so yes they are times when an act which is depicted normally as cheating is acceptable due to the circumstances it occurs in.

    I will use my partner as an example for the drinking, he has ADHD which means he really struggles with social anxiety in situations he is unfamiliar with (for example freshers week, new people around him), so if they are getting drunk he feels the need to follow suit to not isolate himself, he didnt intend to get that drunk, he was just taken advantage of again. We have controlled this issue now but people have no idea what is lying underneath the people who seem normal.
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    (Original post by Mrs House)
    People get drunk all the time. It's not an excuse to cheat. What happens if they get drunk a further 10 times, is that ok too?
    I never said it was ok, merely stated it can be unintentional

    (Original post by Emily.97)
    What an idiotic comment. You use getting drunk as an example, but the individual is in control when they start drinking and they know full well that the more they drink, the more intoxicated they will get. If they then cheat that's a direct result of that decision so it doesn't make their behaviour a mistake or accidental.
    Whatever

    (Original post by Rakas21)
    You'd view a woman with so little self discipline as somebody that was worthy of being with you?
    I'm happy as I am; or at least as happy as I can be after the result of previous relationships, which if I'm honest I'm still not fully over.
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    (Original post by Natalierm2707)
    not neccesarily in control of their behavoir. Some people have issues they are not willing to discuss openly, and some people cannot physically know when their limit is. I have seen people who I would normally class as a heavyweight on a night out after having less than usual be on the floor, it depends on many factors. For some people peer pressure is a thing, and many get spiked so it can be done without intention.

    The thing is just because they got themselves that drunk doesnt mean they ever intended to cheat, or ever would normally, a lot of times people this drunk are taken advantage of and end up being kissed and because they are so drunk they dont know how to react or even what is going on. Drinking is not a great excuse, but you cannot say just because they got that drunk means they cheated on purpose because that is never the case with this situation, and trust me, it happens a lot more often than people let on...
    Exactly, although I'll admit I did have an absolute skinful - enough to put some people in the hospital. But now I've found my limit so I know what I can handle in future.
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    It's not ok. I would not automatically end things though. I'd hear them out and take it from there. Ever situation is different.
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    the only way that it cheating is justified is if a relationship is abusive
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    (Original post by Emily.97)
    Not so much that they cheated on purpose, but more that they should take responsibility for that first step and the decision to drink. I appreciate everything you're saying but I still don't think that makes it justified or makes them innocent.
    If you love some one in a relationship you wouldn't cheat on them, full stop. That's my opinion, we can agree to disagree.
    agree to disagree 100% here, everyone feels different.

    Just so you understand why I say this...

    My boyfriend and I went to different universities over 300 miles away from eachother. He struggles with self control and social anxiety due to his ADHD, meaning when he went on a huge organised night out, he worried if he refused a drink because he feared not fitting in, and he had little understanding of the fact that the reps were just taking advantage of him by giving him more shots all the time for a laugh (it is a health condition which were now managing very well). He ended up absolutely gone and his friends wandered off (apart from one loyal guy he already knew from college), this loyal guy started pulling girls (or trying), the girl he pulled had a friend and my boyfriend just started talking to her, she gave him her number by writing it on his shirt (common thing to do at a freshers event so he let her, he had tonnes of phone numbers from guys and girls on his shirt) but then she kissed him, and he didnt know how to react for a few seconds and he pulled away. He then carried on dancing away from her. At the end of the night this girl fell over, so he kindly with his other mate walked her home before going to join another flat party away from her. After this they started talking as friends as he got friendly with her flat, but nothing sinister or romantic began at all, they were just friends, sadly this upset me after everything that went on, and being so far away meant a lack of face to face communication made things hard, so eventually I went to visit him and he told her that for my sake they couldnt be talking anyone, so it ended there.

    He never wanted nor intended to cheat, and he never did, she kissed him and he pulled away... these accidents can happen and sadly uni and lack of communication can blow them out of proportion. The one good thing that came out of this was he managed to gain more control over his ADHD and we now communicate better.
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    (Original post by Andy98)
    Exactly, although I'll admit I did have an absolute skinful - enough to put some people in the hospital. But now I've found my limit so I know what I can handle in future.
    my above post explains my situation, accidents do happen and personally I feel our generation are to quick to judge without understanding what actually happened,
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    (Original post by Sternumator)
    It's not ok. I would not automatically end things though. I'd hear them out and take it from there. Ever situation is different.
    Definitely. It's a case by case basis but it'd be very hard for me to forgive, especially given my partners hard stance on cheating. I don't think him (or me) getting blackout drunk is an excuse at all. You should have had enough decency and responsibility to not put yourself in a situation when you could cheat, have a few drinks sure but there's no need to get completely drunk.
    I think if he was kissed, but didn't kiss back and stopped it immediately then I'd be hugely hurt and upset, but we could get over it. Anything more and I doubt we'd get past it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Definitely. It's a case by case basis but it'd be very hard for me to forgive, especially given my partners hard stance on cheating. I don't think him (or me) getting blackout drunk is an excuse at all. You should have had enough decency and responsibility to not put yourself in a situation when you could cheat, have a few drinks sure but there's no need to get completely drunk.
    I think if he was kissed, but didn't kiss back and stopped it immediately then I'd be hugely hurt and upset, but we could get over it. Anything more and I doubt we'd get past it.
    my point exactly, it hurt me a lot in the beginning (being so far away didnt help as we couldnt talk face to face about it), but when you realise that he never intended to get anywhere near that drunk (he does have a mental health issue, normally I would say that this isnt a valid excuse for people who dont have his condition, but ive seen first hand how he struggles with peer pressure, control and social anxiety, so I can excuse this as being a silly mistake which he now has control over) and never wanted to kiss anyone, let alone think about any other girl shows he really did care. He also told me straight away, no lies, no decit, he was truly upset with what had happened and his friends who were there on the night also backed me up, so I forgave him and we worked things out.

    every case is individual and every persons relationship is different.
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    (Original post by Natalierm2707)
    agree to disagree 100% here, everyone feels different.

    Just so you understand why I say this...

    My boyfriend and I went to different universities over 300 miles away from eachother. He struggles with self control and social anxiety due to his ADHD, meaning when he went on a huge organised night out, he worried if he refused a drink because he feared not fitting in, and he had little understanding of the fact that the reps were just taking advantage of him by giving him more shots all the time for a laugh (it is a health condition which were now managing very well). He ended up absolutely gone and his friends wandered off (apart from one loyal guy he already knew from college), this loyal guy started pulling girls (or trying), the girl he pulled had a friend and my boyfriend just started talking to her, she gave him her number by writing it on his shirt (common thing to do at a freshers event so he let her, he had tonnes of phone numbers from guys and girls on his shirt) but then she kissed him, and he didnt know how to react for a few seconds and he pulled away. He then carried on dancing away from her. At the end of the night this girl fell over, so he kindly with his other mate walked her home before going to join another flat party away from her. After this they started talking as friends as he got friendly with her flat, but nothing sinister or romantic began at all, they were just friends, sadly this upset me after everything that went on, and being so far away meant a lack of face to face communication made things hard, so eventually I went to visit him and he told her that for my sake they couldnt be talking anyone, so it ended there.

    He never wanted nor intended to cheat, and he never did, she kissed him and he pulled away... these accidents can happen and sadly uni and lack of communication can blow them out of proportion. The one good thing that came out of this was he managed to gain more control over his ADHD and we now communicate better.
    Yeah- I can understand how a personal experience like that can give you a different perspective on the topic and cause you to think a bit differently about it.
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    (Original post by Natalierm2707)
    my above post explains my situation, accidents do happen and personally I feel our generation are to quick to judge without understanding what actually happened,
    Indeed, my intention was because I was going out with friends and starting early - I figured I'd see who's around my level in drinking because there's a range in that group. Turns out me and this one other girl are the heavyweights and I ended up spending about £40 on booze that night. But yeah, neither of us had ever really found our limits. so we tried to that night. I smashed through it but because I was drinking the last drink straight and she was mixing it with pepsi she was in a much better state than I. She made a move and I panicked and went with it because that's the first time anyone has ever made a move on me, and I was pissed off my face.
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    (Original post by Natalierm2707)
    my point exactly, it hurt me a lot in the beginning (being so far away didnt help as we couldnt talk face to face about it), but when you realise that he never intended to get anywhere near that drunk (he does have a mental health issue, normally I would say that this isnt a valid excuse for people who dont have his condition, but ive seen first hand how he struggles with peer pressure, control and social anxiety, so I can excuse this as being a silly mistake which he now has control over) and never wanted to kiss anyone, let alone think about any other girl shows he really did care. He also told me straight away, no lies, no decit, he was truly upset with what had happened and his friends who were there on the night also backed me up, so I forgave him and we worked things out.

    every case is individual and every persons relationship is different.
    I think if that was the case, though I'd be hurt and upset, we could work it out. The only difference would be the fact that my boyfriend doesn't have that issue so I'd expect him to know what his limits are and at least think of me and the consequences if he decides to go past them and stay in the situation that could lead to something bad. But as I said, if he put a stop to it immediately and didn't reciprocate, cut off ties with her (though I couldn't ever ask him to) and told me immediately then we might be able to work it out but any kissing back and it would be so much harder.
    I saw a nice quote that might fit here, that was something along the lines of "when in a relationship, you are still attracted to other people but you have the respect, love and responsibility to not act on it and distance yourself from the person". It's nice you managed to work it out, shows how strong the love is between you and how much he cared about you
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    (Original post by Natalierm2707)
    I understand this comment as it goes around a lot, but what happens if your so drunk that your taken advantage of by others? The drunk partner in question may have been randomly kissed by a person who saw them as an easy pull, and it may not have gone any further. The partner in question did not cheat at all in this situation, so yes they are times when an act which is depicted normally as cheating is acceptable due to the circumstances it occurs in.

    I will use my partner as an example for the drinking, he has ADHD which means he really struggles with social anxiety in situations he is unfamiliar with (for example freshers week, new people around him), so if they are getting drunk he feels the need to follow suit to not isolate himself, he didnt intend to get that drunk, he was just taken advantage of again. We have controlled this issue now but people have no idea what is lying underneath the people who seem normal.
    Fair enough but how can the cheater prove that they were taken advantage of?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Definitely. It's a case by case basis but it'd be very hard for me to forgive, especially given my partners hard stance on cheating. I don't think him (or me) getting blackout drunk is an excuse at all. You should have had enough decency and responsibility to not put yourself in a situation when you could cheat, have a few drinks sure but there's no need to get completely drunk.
    I think if he was kissed, but didn't kiss back and stopped it immediately then I'd be hugely hurt and upset, but we could get over it. Anything more and I doubt we'd get past it.
    I would accept the blackout drunk excuse for a kiss. That would definitely be forgiven. I've never done it but I can see how it could quite easily happen in a club.

    It's not an excuse for sex though. If you have left with them and gone back to theirs then you obviously weren't blackout drunk. I'm not saying I wouldn't forgive sex though, as I said, I would hear them out but I wouldn't pretend it wasn't a conscious act.
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    (Original post by Mrs House)
    Fair enough but how can the cheater prove that they were taken advantage of?
    Because i know my partner very well and understand his condition, and considering the next day i got a tonne of apologies from people who i didnt know saying they regret egging him on and getting him drunk for a laugh.


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    (Original post by Sternumator)
    I would accept the blackout drunk excuse for a kiss. That would definitely be forgiven. I've never done it but I can see how it could quite easily happen in a club.

    It's not an excuse for sex though. If you have left with them and gone back to theirs then you obviously weren't blackout drunk. I'm not saying I wouldn't forgive sex though, as I said, I would hear them out but I wouldn't pretend it wasn't a conscious act.
    My partner knows his limits and being in a club is no excuse to get blackout drunk in my opinion, but that could be because I don't enjoy clubbing or being drunk at all. You should know that if you get that drunk that something could happen where you cheat, you shouldn't be getting that drunk and I don't care about peer pressure (unless you have a susceptibility to it like having a mental illness).
    Either way, as I've said, if he kissed back we'd have a bigger issue because then it was his decision to drink enough to get into a situation where I'm no longer cared for enough to stop you from kissing other girls. If he can kiss, he can do other things and I won't stand for it, it doesn't matter if we're far away and haven't seen each other in a while, you should still be thinking about your partner and how they'd feel about your actions. Again, I think this comes from his really anti and tough stance on cheating though, so it could be different for other couples.
    Every relationship is different though and if you can get over it and move on that's great. It's just how I feel.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My partner knows his limits and being in a club is no excuse to get blackout drunk in my opinion, but that could be because I don't enjoy clubbing or being drunk at all. You should know that if you get that drunk that something could happen where you cheat, you shouldn't be getting that drunk and I don't care about peer pressure (unless you have a susceptibility to it like having a mental illness).
    Either way, as I've said, if he kissed back we'd have a bigger issue because then it was his decision to drink enough to get into a situation where I'm no longer cared for enough to stop you from kissing other girls. If he can kiss, he can do other things and I won't stand for it, it doesn't matter if we're far away and haven't seen each other in a while, you should still be thinking about your partner and how they'd feel about your actions. Again, I think this comes from his really anti and tough stance on cheating though, so it could be different for other couples.
    Every relationship is different though and if you can get over it and move on that's great. It's just how I feel.
    I think you would probably be in the majority with that view.

    But I've have been in those blackout drunk states. It is not clever but if you binge drink, it can happen.

    It's not a case of no longer caring, its that your brain isn't even thinking and definitely not about your partner and what they will feel about your actions. You barely know whats going on. Your brain isn't that functional.

    It has never happened to me, but I can imagine dancing and next thing you know, without any thinking whatever, a girl is kissing you. And if you are that hammered, I'm not sure the distinction exists between kissing back/not kissing back.

    Obviously its not great but if my gf told me that happened to her, I could understand it. But obviously some people don't understand it or they think, if that could happen when you get drunk, don't get drunk. That is fair enough and I haven't ask my gfs view on it but I suspect she would share your opinion.
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    (Original post by Sternumator)
    I think you would probably be in the majority with that view.

    But I've have been in those blackout drunk states. It is not clever but if you binge drink, it can happen.

    It's not a case of no longer caring, its that your brain isn't even thinking and definitely not about your partner and what they will feel about your actions. You barely know whats going on. Your brain isn't that functional.

    It has never happened to me, but I can imagine dancing and next thing you know, without any thinking whatever, a girl is kissing you. And if you are that hammered, I'm not sure the distinction exists between kissing back/not kissing back.

    Obviously its not great but if my gf told me that happened to her, I could understand it. But obviously some people don't understand it or they think, if that could happen when you get drunk, don't get drunk. That is fair enough and I haven't ask my gfs view on it but I suspect she would share your opinion.
    No I definitely see your point of view, definitely. It's just my opinion that, especially given his stance and knowing how I'd feel, if he knew there was a chance he could cheat if he got that drunk and still did it then it shows he doesn't care a lot about my feelings or me.
    There's always the chance we could get through it but it would be hard and I'm not the best at building trust due to other things in my life so it'd probably take too long and he might not stick around, given he could clearly get any other girl if he gets drunk enough :laugh::laugh:.
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    (Original post by Andy98)
    I never said it was ok, merely stated it can be unintentional



    Whatever



    I'm happy as I am; or at least as happy as I can be after the result of previous relationships, which if I'm honest I'm still not fully over.
    why arent yeh over them fully?
 
 
 
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