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Why didn't you wait/why aren't you waiting? (Premarital sex) Had to repost x watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I wish I could have sex before marriage but if my parents found out they would go ballistic and no other man would want second hand goods I feel this barrier of I can't have sex before marriage automatically limits who I can have a relationship with and I bet I'll just end up with someone my parents are strongly encouraging me to be with.
    What's so frustrating is my mum doesn't even see any flaw in her thinking no matter how much you reason with her
    The terribly sad thing with this logic is that it assumes a guy's penis is so important that it changes a girl forever... "Second hand goods"? Honey, no, you are your own person, it's your body. If you have sex with zero people or with a hundred, you are still a person, you are still worth the same. You are not a product.

    Please, for your own well-being, get away from your toxic family and learn how to develop natural relationships. You shouldn't get married to someone who is pleased that nobody else has had 'his woman' before... That's a horrible way of thinking about you. You deserve better
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    Because I wanted to
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    Because i'm not retarded and acknowledge we have basic needs, and that marriage only exists to satisfy these in a socially acceptable way.
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    (Original post by _gcx)
    That's absolute ********, and the type of ******** you'd hear from abstinence-only education. There is no barrier, it's likely some delusional adult likely decided to scare the **** out of you as a vulnerable child.
    Unfortunately whilst I do live In the UK, my parents (mum in particular, dad doesn't care as much) expect me to marry someone who's originally from my country, even if that means going back to my home country to find a husband.
    The men back there use the blood on the sheet test to see if a girl is still a virign and if they find out you're not, whenever you get into arguments etc they'll call you second hand and throw it back in your face
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    (Original post by 1010marina)
    The terribly sad thing with this logic is that it assumes a guy's penis is so important that it changes a girl forever... "Second hand goods"? Honey, no, you are your own person, it's your body. If you have sex with zero people or with a hundred, you are still a person, you are still worth the same. You are not a product.

    Please, for your own well-being, get away from your toxic family and learn how to develop natural relationships. You shouldn't get married to someone who is pleased that nobody else has had 'his woman' before... That's a horrible way of thinking about you. You deserve better
    I can't get away from my family, I'm in uni now and live away from home but I still come back during the holidays, I'm 100% reliant on my dad financially. Whilst my dad is chilled and not as strong willed about this, it is mainly my mum that's the driving force. It's easy from the outside to say get away etc but it's very hard to bring yourself to do it. My only hope is when I graduate I am guaranteed a job and it will be well paying so I will have some independence then. But by then I'll be 25
    My other hope is ill meet someone I love and that will give me the strong will to say no to my family and pursue a relationship with them regardless, I hope :/
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    Well I thought I was going to marry the girl. I don't want meaningless sex, but marriage is only a formal expression of your vows in my opinion.
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    (Original post by RooshV)
    What religion are you op
    I don't necessarily have a religion. Sometimes I feel like having a religion would make things easier to explain because people end up looking at me confused after saying this lol. But I do believe in spirituality, that we are all spiritual and physical beings. That sex isn't just a physical experience but a spiritual one too were couples could share their creative energies. Then I do believe in God and an after life but I don't agree with any of the interpretations of God religions have given it so I'm not religious but I'm not an atheist or agnostic either, just consider myself spiritual.
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    Sex just isn't such a huge deal to me. It's not really being vulnerable or whatever, more about mutual satisfaction.

    I couldn't wait until marriage to have sex, what if the guy is just awful in bed? That would just make the marriage suck
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I can't get away from my family, I'm in uni now and live away from home but I still come back during the holidays, I'm 100% reliant on my dad financially. Whilst my dad is chilled and not as strong willed about this, it is mainly my mum that's the driving force. It's easy from the outside to say get away etc but it's very hard to bring yourself to do it. My only hope is when I graduate I am guaranteed a job and it will be well paying so I will have some independence then. But by then I'll be 25
    My other hope is ill meet someone I love and that will give me the strong will to say no to my family and pursue a relationship with them regardless, I hope :/
    It's terrible how often I hear this a same situation on this website... You have families that barely see you as a person but they give you a lot of money to persuade you to stay.

    Get your grad job, and get away... Please. You're not meat raised for slaughter; a bride raised for marriage. You are your own person, and if someone doesn't respect you enough see that, then they don't deserve your respect, either.
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    (Original post by RooshV)
    What do you mean what does male attention have to do with this? That is self explanatory. Im talking about male attention as in males giving you sexual attention rather than you going on about how you prefer to masturbate
    Oh, I already explained that.
    Though I do receive sexual attention from guys in that sense, I certainly do not crave it. Why would I? I am confident, not cocky like I am not saying that I am a goddess but at the same time I know someone would find me physically attractive so I don't 'crave' sexual attention from males. Also, majority of the time concerning when I do receive sexual attention to where guys may approach me, asking for my number, being opened about their sexual attraction towards me, for me personally I don't even feel comfortable enough to accept their request and it isn't that there is anything wrong with them in doing so but it isn't their sexual attention I am seeking but I'd rather be friends first to get to know the person then if I think that they have an awesome personality and I am attracted to them, it's then I would want to date, having that interest of possibly seeing them as a future husband lol.

    But about your comment about me prefering to masturbate, I do.
    I don't have to worry about anything and it feels damn good. I just couldn't have intercourse with someone unless we've decided to make that commitment. It's very important to me, that support system of being their through thick and thin, for better or worse. This is my opinion. I just couldn't be vulnerable or trust any guy without that 'lifelong' commitment. As someone who loves hard, so hard to where they at times put their loved one before themselves, it's my way of protecting myself not just physically but emotionally.
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    About myself... I'm not going to wait for marriage to have sex. Not had it yet, but I couldn't marry someone without knowing that we were compatible on that level, too.

    I think society (read: religion) has an unhealthy obsession over virginity, and I couldn't be with any man that wants to join in with the farce
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    From experience, sex feels more pleasurable than masturbation, even if I don't have an orgasm. Unless you use certain sex toys, there are areas that you might not have stimulated before. The posterior fornix is another exogenous zone other than the clitoris that I didn't know existed until having penetrative sex for example.

    It's not just the physical aspect, but the mental aspect of trusting someone enough to be at your most vulnerable side with them. I have great respect and love for my partner and learning how to pleasure each other is very rewarding. Then, after sex, we can just cuddle up together and talk about life.

    I never felt like I needed marriage to do that. I'm not sure if the relationship will last forever, but I make the most of it while it's there. The uncertainty of the duration of our relationship actually makes me appreciate it more. As someone who too often takes things for granted, it's actually better for my relationship.

    Also, if it does end, I'll be more confident and knowledgeable about sex with my next partner.

    To me, marriage is optional. I have known several couples who can't really afford a wedding, and aren't married, but are in successful and committed relationships with a family and everything.

    Sex isn't a finite resource, I don't think it has to be shared with only one person. Other people could teach you a lot of things about sex that you didn't know before. It's an intimate learning experience.
    -Thanks for responding, this was insightful to read seriously.
    The bit in bold though, really? That's interesting. I thought an orgasm is when you've reached your sexual peak so to find intercourse more pleasurable at times than an orgasm itself is different from what I'm used to hearing/reading but it's ok. Then when I spoke to my guy and girl friends who are in sexual relationships over this matter, the women said usually they needed more stimulation to reach their peaks unlike my male friends who said intercourse alone, was enough for them to orgasm. I'm interested in sexology and the dymanics of our bodies so often I'm researching to understand human sexuality and the make up of bodies better. Looking at statitics, many women reported them same concerning needing stimulation during intercourse which is interesting also but on the other hand it isn't so shocking as the female clitoris is reported to be the most sensitive. We are all uniquely different though. I never realised how beautifully complex the female body could be until diving a bit more into the topic on research. Then the areas you are talking about can still be reached too, even without toys but using fingers which is another form of masturbation


    "It's not just the physical aspect, but the mental aspect of trusting someone enough to be at your most vulnerable side with them."
    - So beautiful. See this is one thing masturbation couldn't give. It couldn't give me that connection and bond with another human being. It's not that I don't want to experience that bond but I really cannot trust a guy enough to do so unless he's proven, shown and expressed that commitment of wanting to be mine, seeing a future with me to where he feels I could always be his. I'm not interested in the wedding, we wouldn't even need to have a fancy one, I'm only interested in the vows we make, the commitment and decision of 'I'll always love you' that follows with support, for better or worse. It's only then for some reason I wouldn't mind being most vulnerable. Maybe I also have trust issues but I've seen so much happen to the people I care about with their relationships that I just can't do it.

    Having sex with other people isn't the only way to be knowledgeable or experienced. I definitely understand what you're saying as practice makes perfect but this practice can be applied to any scenario, including waiting. Whether or not you sleep with one or more people, the more sex you experience, the better at it you will become.

    I totally agree with your last paragraph but what saddens me is people automatically think about a wedding than the marrital commitment itself, making it into this luxicious event to where they forget their marriage isn't based on their wedding day. I think couple should have the right to decide how they want their 'special day' to be but for me personally, my wedding would be the last thing on my mind and I may not even have an expensive big wedding, even if I have the money. I may not even have a wedding lol I might just do a small ceremony with the priest or whoever that leads us while we make this decision.
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    (Original post by Drunk Punx)
    Let's assume that there's two primary reasons for having sex:
    - Hedonism.
    - Chemical bonding between two people.

    Surely it's more rational to have sex for those two reasons (ie; self-pleasure and chemically drawing the relationship in a more intimate direction) than it is to limit yourself to waiting until you've gone through an arbitrary and archaic ceremony?
    My response to hedonism, so intercourse is the only way to achieve this? I think not and I don't find masturbation limiting as you don't need to worry about unwanted pregnacy, STIs or anything but pleasing yourself. Plus there are many ways to go about 'self loving'. Why I'm all for it, is because of this. Pleasure without any risks.
    This is where masturbation couldn't compare, and that is to chemical bonding. In all honesty, I just don't feel interested or compelled to chemical bond with a person in that way unless we've made that commitment and we're in the process of living our lives together. It may seem absurd to some and maybe it's a defense mechanism I've created to avoid being in a situation similar to that of my loved ones, my bestfriends. I just can't trust a man enough to that extent to where I want to 'chemically bond' with him until he's vowed and expressed he has the desire to always be there for me. That he wouldn't just run away if I became pregnant after my contraceptive for some reason failed to work as it happens though rare. I've seen guys do this to girls to where they've pressured them to have an abortion which made me weary of who I will sleep with. A husband on the other hand, most of the time even when the pregnancy is unplanned wants to be there for his wife to help support his child and raise a family. I've seen boyfriends who measure up to this standard and I am happy for those couples but this isn't always the case for others and some leave because there was no lifelong commitment or vows made so he isn't obliged to stay.
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    Never really wanted to wait.
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    (Original post by unprinted)
    It seems odd to say that, for example, oral sex with someone is ok, but that intercourse isn't.

    You're also risking elevating intercourse to something that is so special that the reality can't live up to it. Is there really such a difference between having someone's fingers or tongue inside you and having their penis?
    The bit in bold, I didn't once say that. You somehow came to this conclusion and I seriously don't understand why. Craving sexual activity is craving sexual activity, intercourse isn't excluded because it is sexual activity. Sexual activity is a range of activities.
    What does 'ok' mean? If by 'ok' you're talking about purity and morality, I am not. I am not religious.Though oral is 100% effective for not having unwanted pregnacies (yet again, there are still chances of catching a STI ) Any way, the bit in bold wasn't what I meant. And yes, I really do see intercourse as a powerful thing. Like I had said on many accounts, though I'm not religious I am spiritual so I believe this is all creative energy. I believe intercourse is a powerful thing because it's so powerful that it can create another breathing, living human being with a consciousness and ability to affect the world we are living in like me and you, the majority of living persons on this planet. It isn't only about pleasure though it is pleasurable.
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    I really wanted to wait I just didn't realise my ex girlfriend was a manipulative borderline. I'm more of a romantic so I romanticise sex a lot. I want it to mean something, sex alone is not fun unless I love them.
    • #3
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    My mum won't even let me use a tampon because it'll break my hymen, she says western women who use it are like whores etc who only wear a tampon so they can be provocative even when they're on their periods.

    It actually makes me want to cry with frustration when I think about how backwards her mentality is for someone who's meant to be educated
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My mum won't even let me use a tampon because it'll break my hymen, she says western women who use it are like whores etc who only wear a tampon so they can be provocative even when they're on their periods.

    It actually makes me want to cry with frustration when I think about how backwards her mentality is for someone who's meant to be educated
    Your hymen shouldn't break. It's not a cover, it's a stretchy bit of flesh that isn't meant to break, although some tearing can occur if you're not warmed up enough. If it covered the vagina, then you wouldn't be able to let out menstrual blood at all.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Unfortunately whilst I do live In the UK, my parents (mum in particular, dad doesn't care as much) expect me to marry someone who's originally from my country, even if that means going back to my home country to find a husband.
    The men back there use the blood on the sheet test to see if a girl is still a virign and if they find out you're not, whenever you get into arguments etc they'll call you second hand and throw it back in your face
    That's simply not true. Ignore them. Oh and btw hymens don't break following sex, that's a myth.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I wish I could have sex before marriage but if my parents found out they would go ballistic and no other man would want second hand goods I feel this barrier of I can't have sex before marriage automatically limits who I can have a relationship with and I bet I'll just end up with someone my parents are strongly encouraging me to be with.
    What's so frustrating is my mum doesn't even see any flaw in her thinking no matter how much you reason with her
    But it isn't your parent's decision to make. It's a decision you will need to makeon your own whether or not you choose to wait. No one has the right to, not even your parents should make this decision for you. I'm sure they love you and are doing what they believe as right but parents need to leave certain matters alone, especially once their sons and daughters are adults.

    The bit in bold is worrisome. Second hand goods??? Really! I certainly think people see waiting very differently to how I do. Not saying my way is the right way either but I definitely do not see waiting as essential because of the fear of being "second hand goods" at all. I believe, thinking this way is toxic and dehumanising. Whether or not I am or someone else is what people call a "virgin" doesn't determine whether or not they deserve to be loved and respected. And noticed this is emphasised to the girls but hardly ever to the boys!

    Limits who you can have a relationship with? In what way?
 
 
 
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