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Family is stopping me from having sex before marriage Watch

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    And my mum says other muslim guys from our culture will call me second hand goods and no one will marry me if I'm not a virgin. these kind of things really depress me because it makes me feel as if i have no worth or power in my life, as if someone is only marrying me to have sex with me. meanwhile the guy can have sex with as many girls as he wants and no one will know
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    (Original post by SlavsOut)
    There would be something wrong if they were advocating anything else.
    Ignore this guy. Do what you want, but yes the hymen probably will break and some equally backward and narrowminded men will find it nearly 'shaming' to have a wife who is not a virgin.


    In my opinion any man that would judge you for that is a shallow cold man and not someone that you want to be married to, remember to be independent. Your life is ahead of you and you have all the power in your life, and the power to say no.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What if i was in a relationship with a guy, I'm not talking about one night stands.
    even if you're in a relationship alot of guys will just bang you for a few months/years and leave you.
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    (Original post by Angry Bird)
    even if you're in a relationship alot of guys will just bang you for a few months/years and leave you.
    'alot of guys' being the keyword there, don't be so pessimistic there are many guys who want a serious relationship, most guys at age 20 can't even imagine being married though, but there are some.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    They're really clever about it, they'd never insinuate that its forced. My mum especially, shed just say so and so's son is single and has a good degree and is well off, what do you think of him? then a couple of days later shed be like have you thought anymore about it? and if i keep saying no and lets say he marries someone else shed be like i told you he was available, he wouldve married you, you've just let this opportunity go blah blah.
    basically she'll do it in a really sly way and coerce me into a marriage
    They still can't make you marry someone you don't want to marry, though!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I wish my parents and family weren't so backwards, they cannot be reasoned with and they'll get me married off to a guy who has similar thinking to them I feel so bleak about my life My mum regardless of what you tell her believes the hymen breaks during sex, she says it did for all her sisters and her but j tried to tell her that was probably a tear to the vaginal wall because the guy was being forceful. I don't want to wait until marriage but they've instilled such a fear in me that I can't bring myself to have sex outside marriage now even if I wanted to. My mum denies that my bedsheets will be shown around to prove I am a virgin but that my future husband will see it and he won't trust me and think i wasn't a virgin if he doesn't see blood. For this reason she won't let me use a tampon, she had such a go at me when I asked if I could use one :/
    Tbh as a muslim your not supposed to have sex before marriage as it is forbidden. It is not about your family being backwards. You need to practise you religion more and have faith in God.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    And my mum says other muslim guys from our culture will call me second hand goods and no one will marry me if I'm not a virgin. these kind of things really depress me because it makes me feel as if i have no worth or power in my life, as if someone is only marrying me to have sex with me. meanwhile the guy can have sex with as many girls as he wants and no one will know
    No, the guy wants someone like him. If you sleep with people before him, then it is hard for him to get past it. It isn't about sex, it is about who you are as a person. I think your parents are being very stupid, as they are upsetting you and making you feel bad. They could go about this in a different, more loving way. So my advice to you would be explain to them how they are making you feel and how they could better help you. As you don't want to go against what they want. Like explain to them that making you feel loved would actually make you more likely to do what they want. PM me if you want to talk more.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I wish my parents and family weren't so backwards, they cannot be reasoned with and they'll get me married off to a guy who has similar thinking to them I feel so bleak about my life My mum regardless of what you tell her believes the hymen breaks during sex, she says it did for all her sisters and her but j tried to tell her that was probably a tear to the vaginal wall because the guy was being forceful. I don't want to wait until marriage but they've instilled such a fear in me that I can't bring myself to have sex outside marriage now even if I wanted to. My mum denies that my bedsheets will be shown around to prove I am a virgin but that my future husband will see it and he won't trust me and think i wasn't a virgin if he doesn't see blood. For this reason she won't let me use a tampon, she had such a go at me when I asked if I could use one :/
    if you want I'm muslim and don't mind taking your virginity if u want.
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    The advice anyone could give you is save up and move out to live on your own- against your parents wishes. There is clearly no way of reasoning with your mother, despite her lack of education of the female anatomy.

    What's this obsession with virginity? people have sex, get over it!
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    (Original post by SlavsOut)
    Well this why your parents are correct because these guys do not have any integrity
    Who are "these guys" who don't have any integrity? You may be content to obey your parents at over 20 years old, but that isn't the case for everyone? OP is old enough to make her own decisions, find her own relationships, and love and marry whom she pleases. She is old enough to know the consequences of her actions. This is the 21st century, you know.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I wish my parents and family weren't so backwards, they cannot be reasoned with and they'll get me married off to a guy who has similar thinking to them I feel so bleak about my life My mum regardless of what you tell her believes the hymen breaks during sex, she says it did for all her sisters and her but j tried to tell her that was probably a tear to the vaginal wall because the guy was being forceful. I don't want to wait until marriage but they've instilled such a fear in me that I can't bring myself to have sex outside marriage now even if I wanted to. My mum denies that my bedsheets will be shown around to prove I am a virgin but that my future husband will see it and he won't trust me and think i wasn't a virgin if he doesn't see blood. For this reason she won't let me use a tampon, she had such a go at me when I asked if I could use one :/
    She cannot stop you from having sex. If you do it outside of her sight, she will never know, to be absolutely honest.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    And my mum says other muslim guys from our culture will call me second hand goods and no one will marry me if I'm not a virgin. these kind of things really depress me because it makes me feel as if i have no worth or power in my life, as if someone is only marrying me to have sex with me. meanwhile the guy can have sex with as many girls as he wants and no one will know
    Both me and you know that's misogynistic ********.
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    (Original post by _gcx)
    She cannot stop you from having sex. If you do it outside of her sight, she will never know, to be absolutely honest.



    Both me and you know that's misogynistic ********.
    But the guy I marry will because he'll feel I'm not as tight and there won't be blood
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    But the guy I marry will because he'll feel I'm not as tight and there won't be blood
    I swear the whole blood thing doesn't happen to everyone. Like the hymen can tear when people do horseriding or use tampons so you don't exactly have to explain the lack of blood.
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    (Original post by retro_turtles)
    I swear the whole blood thing doesn't happen to everyone. Like the hymen can tear when people do horseriding or use tampons so you don't exactly have to explain the lack of blood.
    I wish I could get that into my mums tiny little brain, I'm crying now out of frustration and sadness I hate that I've been given such an ignorant mother
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I wish I could get that into my mums tiny little brain, I'm crying now out of frustration and sadness I hate that I've been given such an ignorant mother
    At the end of the day its your life and even though your mother has these sorts of opinions i am sure that anyone else in your life (future boyfriends/husband) will be educated to understand your situation and you wouldnt be required to give them an explaination. Your mum surely means the best for you and even though her point of view is highly bizarre and you are going to have to accept the way she thinks as she has grown up with these sorts of beliefs and stuck to them for years. Its your life at the end of the day and it should be your choice of what you want to do, theres no point explaining to her about what you believe and think as it seems that she is grounded in to her way of thinking.
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    Communication is key. Involve a GP if needs be, ideally one who's Muslim or sensitive to these sorts of cultural issues :console:
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    Go to university OP, and make sure you can live away from home. My best friend from secondary school was in exactly the same situation as you - but I had the pleasure when she went to university of watching her become the person she wanted to be and stop feeling like her family were in control of her life. I had talks with her since about whether she wanted to have sex, and I honestly don't know if she has lost her virginity yet even after two years there. The important thing was that she was free from coercion and those talks were always about what she wanted to do and her family never factored into it - just knowing that it's your decision to make is such a huge freedom.

    She's lost most of her Islamic faith but is still able to be the 'good Muslim girl' when she sees her parents. Once you move out your parents loose the control and you can have a healthy relationship with both them and any men you might meet in the future. Best of luck OP, I really do feel for you in any case.

    Finally though, do you really want to date a Muslim man who wants his wife to be a virgin? Think of the other sexist assumptions that come along with that view, and think of how a man like that will treat any daughter of yours and the pressure he'll put on her just like your mother does on you. Marry a non-virgin man, Muslim or not, who wants a healthier kind of relationship; you won't struggle to find a good man just because you've lost your virginity.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I wish I could get that into my mums tiny little brain, I'm crying now out of frustration and sadness I hate that I've been given such an ignorant mother
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    And my mum says other muslim guys from our culture will call me second hand goods and no one will marry me if I'm not a virgin. these kind of things really depress me because it makes me feel as if i have no worth or power in my life, as if someone is only marrying me to have sex with me. meanwhile the guy can have sex with as many girls as he wants and no one will know
    Are you genuinely serious??? If youre a muslim you already know its forbidden and for you to say it makes you feel worthless and depressed because youre not allowed to have sex before, is hilarious. Yes because having sex at uni will make you feel special right after the guy moves on and you feel you have "worth" now and you have "power" in your life. As opposed to the reason why youre not supposed to have sex is to preserve your dignity and worth sleeping around with people isnt going to give you that. This sounds like such a troll and the style seems like a kid has a written.
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    Off topic but your mum still loves you and wants the best for you - even if she doesn't know what that is she's just telling you what she was told at your age so don't blame her too much or hate her. It's not completely her fault.
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    (Original post by Seamus123)
    Who are "these guys" who don't have any integrity? You may be content to obey your parents at over 20 years old, but that isn't the case for everyone? OP is old enough to make her own decisions, find her own relationships, and love and marry whom she pleases. She is old enough to know the consequences of her actions. This is the 21st century, you know.
    So just because someone reaches adulthood doesnt mean they get to ignore whatever they want legally she may be an adulthood buts its clear she has no experience or much knowledge on such matters. If her family is muslim and she is too then she knows why she isnt allowed, and how will having sex give her worth and power when in fact it will give the opposite most women will feel like this especially if its something that isnt serious. Not having sex before marriage will atleast not make her feel cheap and she has a little bit of self respect.

    The irony in her statement is that she says she cant have sex before marriage so she feels the guy only wants to have sex with her.... Yet what does any other guy that goes out with op want to do exactly.... Atleast her husband wont (most likely) have sex once move on or ruin her life and make her regret something. Yes this can happen in marriage but less so then doing it at uni with no real emotional attachments
 
 
 
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