AQA 2016 English

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    (Original post by z_o_e)
    Assessment

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    That does sound like a great essay to me, especially that first paragraph :yep:

    Did you tag to show improvements or do you need help with anything from here?
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    (Original post by Matrix123)
    That does sound like a great essay to me, especially that first paragraph :yep:

    Did you tag to show improvements or do you need help with anything from here?
    Just did this


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    (Original post by z_o_e)
    x
    Great job, I really like this paragraph. If you kept up this standard throughout an assessment and tried to pull out some more perceptive points from the poems, I'd say you'd probably be looked at a solid B (at the least) which is an improvement

    Firstly, remember what I said about the quote sentence needing to make sense.
    You wrote:
    "For example, when he writes 'I see broad daylight on the other side.'"
    If this was a proper sentence, you should be able to take "For example" out of the sentence and it should make sense.
    This leaves you with "when he writes 'I see broad daylight on the other side.'"^This does not make sense. With the sentence above, you would need to add an extra section to the sentence.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    An example would be writing:
    When he writes 'I see broad daylight on the other side', this is shown.

    Alternatively, you can add the new section of the sentence at the beginning (I think this sounds better, but it doesn't matter which way you choose )

    This is shown when he writes 'I see broad daylight on the other side.'
    ^I hope that makes sense


    :yy: for using 'adjective' and check the spelling of 'connotes' (you wrote 'connotates' but great choice of vocab :yep:
    I think that sentence would be: The adjective 'broad' connotes speed and extensiveness.

    *This portrays disturbing imagery
    not
    This portrays a disturbing imagery

    "Some may interpret this..." - great sentence! Good use of exploration :yy:
    Tip: You could change that to: However, some may interpret this...
    ^The conjunction 'however' clearly shows you're considering other interpretations.

    In the same sentence, you should say: "there is a man alive and the next, nothing." instead of "there is a man the next, nothing."
    Good use of the comma at the end there. You just need to add in the extra word so the sentence flows better. An alternative, if you wanted it, is to write: "there is a man, the next, nothing."
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    (Original post by Matrix123)
    Great job, I really like this paragraph. If you kept up this standard throughout an assessment and tried to pull out some more perceptive points from the poems, I'd say you'd probably be looked at a solid B (at the least) which is an improvement

    Firstly, remember what I said about the quote sentence needing to make sense.
    You wrote:
    "For example, when he writes 'I see broad daylight on the other side.'"
    If this was a proper sentence, you should be able to take "For example" out of the sentence and it should make sense.
    This leaves you with "when he writes 'I see broad daylight on the other side.'"^This does not make sense. With the sentence above, you would need to add an extra section to the sentence.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    An example would be writing:
    When he writes 'I see broad daylight on the other side', this is shown.

    Alternatively, you can add the new section of the sentence at the beginning (I think this sounds better, but it doesn't matter which way you choose )

    This is shown when he writes 'I see broad daylight on the other side.'
    ^I hope that makes sense


    :yy: for using 'adjective' and check the spelling of 'connotes' (you wrote 'connotates' but great choice of vocab :yep:
    I think that sentence would be: The adjective 'broad' connotes speed and extensiveness.

    *This portrays disturbing imagery
    not
    This portrays a disturbing imagery

    "Some may interpret this..." - great sentence! Good use of exploration :yy:
    Tip: You could change that to: However, some may interpret this...
    ^The conjunction 'however' clearly shows you're considering other interpretations.

    In the same sentence, you should say: "there is a man alive and the next, nothing." instead of "there is a man the next, nothing."
    Good use of the comma at the end there. You just need to add in the extra word so the sentence flows better. An alternative, if you wanted it, is to write: "there is a man, the next, nothing."
    Woowowe I'm getting better so little improvements haha x

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    (Original post by z_o_e)
    Woowowe I'm getting better so little improvements haha x

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    Indeed, or at least that's my estimation
    Haha well there aren't any large errors. These are just lots of little things you can do
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    (Original post by Matrix123)
    Indeed, or at least that's my estimation
    Haha well there aren't any large errors. These are just lots of little things you can do
    Posted from TSR Mobile


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    Wow, thank you so much for quoting me! This has actually made my day; it was a real pleasure to read through your work. :yep: I found the final paragraph rather average which is good but not amazing, to be brutally honest with you. However, I was really impressed with that first page! You had lots of techniques, most of your phrasing was great, the points were quite perceptive and there was a lovely structure to it. Fantastic job! :yy:
    Spoiler:
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    Small word of advice: I'd never start a sentence with 'also'. Most markers don't like this so try using it either in the middle or at the end of your sentences in future

    Edit: I'm really proud of you for doing that. Keep up the great work because you're making really good progress.
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    (Original post by Matrix123)
    Wow, thank you so much for quoting me! This has actually made my day; it was a real pleasure to read through your work. :yep: I found the final paragraph rather average which is good but not amazing, to be brutally honest with you. However, I was really impressed with that first page! You had lots of techniques, most of your phrasing was great, the points were quite perceptive and there was a lovely structure to it. Fantastic job! :yy:
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Small word of advice: I'd never start a sentence with 'also'. Most markers don't like this so try using it either in the middle or at the end of your sentences in future

    Edit: I'm really proud of you for doing that. Keep up the great work because you're making really good progress.
    Will pm you and reply x

    Btw this is my second attempt.


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    (Original post by Matrix123)
    Wow, thank you so much for quoting me! This has actually made my day; it was a real pleasure to read through your work. :yep: I found the final paragraph rather average which is good but not amazing, to be brutally honest with you. However, I was really impressed with that first page! You had lots of techniques, most of your phrasing was great, the points were quite perceptive and there was a lovely structure to it. Fantastic job! :yy:
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Small word of advice: I'd never start a sentence with 'also'. Most markers don't like this so try using it either in the middle or at the end of your sentences in future

    Edit: I'm really proud of you for doing that. Keep up the great work because you're making really good progress.


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    Ooh nice! And it's specifically for poetry too so that should be very useful for that particular section of the literature paper. CGP is a great brand.

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    (Original post by Matrix123)
    Ooh nice! And it's specifically for poetry too so that should be very useful for that particular section of the literature paper. CGP is a great brand.

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    Wow, that's great! I really do like the structure of the book too. :yep:
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    (Original post by Matrix123)
    Wow, that's great! I really do like the structure of the book too. :yep:
    I struggled alot today.
    I kept rubbing out thinking it was bad I couldn't put it into the right words.

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    (Original post by z_o_e)
    I struggled alot today.
    I kept rubbing out thinking it was bad I couldn't put it into the right words.

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    I see, but this is progress all the same. Was this just a practice exam question in class?
    You have a few great points in there. If you continue the standard, I've no doubt the paragraphs will be of a good quality. I think what we need to practice is perfecting them slightly (which the book should help with) and timing.
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    (Original post by Matrix123)
    I see, but this is progress all the same. Was this just a practice exam question in class?
    You have a few great points in there. If you continue the standard, I've no doubt the paragraphs will be of a good quality. I think what we need to practice is perfecting them slightly (which the book should help with) and timing.
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    Like i take an hour for one paragraph. It's so hard


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    (Original post by Matrix123)
    I see, but this is progress all the same. Was this just a practice exam question in class?
    You have a few great points in there. If you continue the standard, I've no doubt the paragraphs will be of a good quality. I think what we need to practice is perfecting them slightly (which the book should help with) and timing.
    Posted from TSR Mobile


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    I'm just about to read and grade it
    Out of curiosity, what mark would you give it?
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    (Original post by Matrix123)
    I'm just about to read and grade it
    Out of curiosity, what mark would you give it?
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    I think about full 2 and low 3

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