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Mum isn't letting me move out for university and I really want to.

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    Contact your Dad, see if he can help. Tell your Mum on results if she doesn't help you financially you'll tell everyone you know about what you saw.

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    I think it's time to fly the nest and move on (if you can because the housing situation is very cruel on young people at the moment).

    You can love and respect your parents but still not do what they tell you to do. You are an adult now. You really need to talk to a professional. I can imagine this is taking a massive toll on your mental health.


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    You are well within your right to do whatever you want. Your mother (and everyone else for that matter) has no power over you.

    There are a few issues you'll have though besides the one mentioned. A key one that springs to mind is getting a guarantor. I think it's fairly common for uni accommodation to get a guarantor on the off chance you can't pay and without one you'll struggle getting a place. That said you clearly have extenuating circumstances so things may be a little different.

    I advise contacting both the universities you want to apply to and the SLC to see what sort of financial help is available. Be prepared to get a job ASAP as well since without financial help (and especially if your loan is low) you'll struggle to survive. I also recommend looking into living accommodation for the year, rather than just your time at university. If your mother is as toxic as you say you want to cut ties as soon as you can.

    Contacting other family is also an option and seeing what sort of help they can provide. If necessary explain the situation. You have no right to be blackmailed or have your education suffer and the most important thing right now is your well being. If that means causing family confrontation then so be it.
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    (Original post by rambapa)
    Look, no one gives a flying fucc about you other than your parents. When you are in A&E at 3 am at night, they will be the only ones to come there.

    The world is not a simple place, neither is it a game, do you have the financial means to support yourself? Everything on this planet needs £££, get some £££ and then start playing boss, if you don't have any £££ right now, shut up and sort out your differences with your mum!

    Behave like an adult, not a child.
    Get off this thread. Is it really that hard for you to understand that?
    Oh the irony! Didn't you just tell someone their advice was stupid? It's a perfect case of the pot calling the kettle black.
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    (Original post by jblackmoustache)
    I think it's time to fly the nest and move on (if you can because the housing situation is very cruel on young people at the moment).

    You can love and respect your parents but still not do what they tell you to do. You are an adult now. You really need to talk to a professional. I can imagine this is taking a massive toll on your mental health.


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    Yes it has. Depression, self harming, anorexia for a year and bulimia for 6 months.

    She called me attention seeking for all of those things when she found out I had them.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Get off this thread. Is it really that hard for you to understand that?
    Oh the irony! Didn't you just tell someone their advice was stupid? It's a perfect case of the pot calling the kettle black.
    I'm just telling you as it is, if you don't have the financial means to support yourself, you are in no position to call the shots.

    Have a nice day.
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    (Original post by Acsel)
    You are well within your right to do whatever you want. Your mother (and everyone else for that matter) has no power over you.

    There are a few issues you'll have though besides the one mentioned. A key one that springs to mind is getting a guarantor. I think it's fairly common for uni accommodation to get a guarantor on the off chance you can't pay and without one you'll struggle getting a place. That said you clearly have extenuating circumstances so things may be a little different.

    I advise contacting both the universities you want to apply to and the SLC to see what sort of financial help is available. Be prepared to get a job ASAP as well since without financial help (and especially if your loan is low) you'll struggle to survive. I also recommend looking into living accommodation for the year, rather than just your time at university. If your mother is as toxic as you say you want to cut ties as soon as you can.

    Contacting other family is also an option and seeing what sort of help they can provide. If necessary explain the situation. You have no right to be blackmailed or have your education suffer and the most important thing right now is your well being. If that means causing family confrontation then so be it.
    I don't really have any other family apart from her and my grandparents tbh. My grandparents are backward in their beliefs.

    I'm planning to do that yeah. Would unis help estranged students though? My biggest fear is having to drop out and having to go back to her, which I don't want to do. I'm going to contact a charity that helps with estranged students too to see if I'm eligible for a grant by the Buttle trust. Some unis have grants for estranged students but I'm not looking at many of them apart from Sheffield.
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    (Original post by rambapa)
    I'm just telling you as it is, if you don't have the financial means to support yourself, you are in no position to call the shots.

    Have a nice day.
    Tough love is always doomed to failure unless you are very close to that person or the person you are giving advice to holds you in high regard. You are just an internet random. Your 'tough love' will and is failing. You are in no position.

    I am a strong believer in that 'tough love' must not make the person feel as though you hate them. It should come from a loving place.


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    (Original post by jblackmoustache)
    Tough love is always doomed to failure unless you are very close to that person or the person you are giving advice to holds you in high regard. You are just an internet random. Your 'tough love' will and is failing. You are in no position.

    I am a strong believer in that 'tough love' must not make the person feel as though you hate them. It should come from a loving place.


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    OP hates the only people who care about her, what else can I say? Anyways let OP do what she wants, but it's never good to cut off the hand that feeds you.
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    (Original post by jblackmoustache)
    Tough love is always doomed to failure unless you are very close to that person or the person you are giving advice to holds you in high regard. You are just an internet random. Your 'tough love' will and is failing. You are in no position.

    I am a strong believer in that 'tough love' must not make the person feel as though you hate them. It should come from a loving place.


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    It fails miserably. It only works until the kid's like 10 imo. Do it with a teenager and it's a recipe for disaster.
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    (Original post by rambapa)
    OP hates the only people who care about her, what else can I say? Anyways let OP do what she wants, but it's never good to cut off the hand that feeds you.
    She doesn't care about me. Have you met her? Do you know her personally? No you bloody don't. So stop being so judgemental and making comments like I'm cutting the hand that feeds me.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    She doesn't care about me. Have you met her? Do you know her personally? No you bloody don't. So stop being so judgemental and making comments like I'm cutting the hand that feeds me.
    But her money does feed you. Why doesn't she care about you?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    There's a charity which supports estranged students so I may use that instead. Thanks anyway.



    Nope he is my biological father. She wants to ruin my life because I saw it happen and I still remember it, even though I was a toddler at the time. And she knows if I cut ties I can always tell my grandparents who basically are under the impression she's some angel or something.

    I told her boyfriend what I saw as a toddler and it's got to the point where he wants to leave to but he's staying because he doesn't want me to go through it alone. He said to me if I need help I can come to him but he's fairly old and frail so I don't want to burden him too much My friend's offered to let me stay at hers in the summer but I think she may be on holiday or something :/

    Ok.

    Don't know what else I can say.

    You are technically an adult and should have no difficulties getting the loan you are entitled to. Sounds like moving out for uni is the only decent option really.

    Wouldn't worry too much about the holidays. You may be able to stay on campus, visit a friend or you may have a boyfriend by then. Things may just work themselves out.
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    (Original post by rambapa)
    But her money does feed you. Why doesn't she care about you?
    And for that I'll respect her. I don't love her though and I want to cut ties.

    She was abusive when I was younger and she emotionally abuses me. What kind of loving mother does that?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't really have any other family apart from her and my grandparents tbh. My grandparents are backward in their beliefs.

    I'm planning to do that yeah. Would unis help estranged students though? My biggest fear is having to drop out and having to go back to her, which I don't want to do. I'm going to contact a charity that helps with estranged students too to see if I'm eligible for a grant by the Buttle trust. Some unis have grants for estranged students but I'm not looking at many of them apart from Sheffield.
    That's a tough one and it depends on the uni. It's outside my area of expertise so you'd need to have a lengthy discussion with the universities you choose.

    In terms of the money aspect, if you absolutely can't get any help have you considered your alternatives to going to uni? If you can't afford to pay then going to uni will be a huge mistake for you. I'm not suggesting stay at home but what alternatives have you explored?

    For example could you stay at home for a year and work to save more money? Are there any friends who can help with finding somewhere else to live temporarily? Charities that can help if you did move out? While university may look like a way out, if it causes financial difficulties you'll be back to stage 1.

    Failing everything you may find that you have no choice but to live at home for a bit longer. As bad as the situation may be it would be better than having money problems at uni, not being able to eat and so on. You may have to play things a little slower until you're entirely self sufficient.

    Whatever happens remember that things will get better. You've survived this far and if you have to live at home for another 2 years to make it all end then it may be a price worth paying. Keep looking for places that will aid you in any way and of course come back to TSR if you need help or want to chat.

    What course are you hoping to study?
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    (Original post by stefano865)
    Ok.

    Don't know what else I can say.

    You are technically an adult and should have no difficulties getting the loan you are entitled to. Sounds like moving out for uni is the only decent option really.

    Wouldn't worry too much about the holidays. You may be able to stay on campus, visit a friend or you may have a boyfriend by then. Things may just work themselves out.
    Except the loan will be based om her income and she seems to have no intention of paying the difference. Its all very well staying on campus, but they need to fund it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    And for that I'll respect her. I don't love her though and I want to cut ties.

    She was abusive when I was younger and she emotionally abuses me. What kind of loving mother does that?
    Does she have any problems? Like depression, alcoholism, bipolar? Those could be contributors to what she is doing, though it's not acceptable for her to abuse you.

    What sort of stuff do you argue about?
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by stefano865)
    Ok.

    Don't know what else I can say.

    You are technically an adult and should have no difficulties getting the loan you are entitled to. Sounds like moving out for uni is the only decent option really.

    Wouldn't worry too much about the holidays. You may be able to stay on campus, visit a friend or you may have a boyfriend by then. Things may just work themselves out.
    Yes it does seem to be the only option.

    I don't know about the boyfriend bit. Wouldn't it come off as offputting to have a gf whose estranged from her family?
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    (Original post by rambapa)
    Look, no one gives a flying fucc about you other than your parents. When you are in A&E at 3 am at night, they will be the only ones to come there.

    The world is not a simple place, neither is it a game, do you have the financial means to support yourself? Everything on this planet needs £££, get some £££ and then start playing boss, if you don't have any £f££ right now, shut up and sort out your differences with your mum!

    Behave like an adult, not a child.
    Don't you dare talk like that! Where do you get this notion that every parent gives a **** about their children? Bringing a child into the world biologically does not automatically make them a good parent. Since when did you become an expert? The OP is an adult, and if she so feels that to have any kind life she has to cut ties with her mother, then so be it. The advice here is helpful with the exception of yours - keep it to yourself.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    Except the loan will be based om her income and she seems to have no intention of paying the difference. Its all very well staying on campus, but they need to fund it.

    This is a special case.

    She should be able to get a loan that will not be dependent on her mother's income.
 
 
 
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Updated: October 7, 2016
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