What if the guy who 'raped me' doesn't know that he raped me

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    (Original post by Ishax)
    But if she did kiss him then she should have stopped him and said no? Kissing someone does give a hint that you're interested in them in a intimate way. She hasn't mentioned she tried to stop him etc? If she didn't did fair enough rape its rape. As she told him to stop but he continued to do so. In my opinion, kissing does majority of the time start of to doing other sexual things together.
    Kissing does not give a carte blanche to full intercourse without consent. This is not 1953.
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    (Original post by Reality Check)
    Kissing does not give a carte blanche to full intercourse without consent. This is not 1953.
    I stated that, I said after she kissed him. If she said "stop", then it's rape.
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    Was he drunk or can't you remember because you were so drunk?

    What type of flirting were you partaking in? Flirting can be a pretty obvious sign that you want to take it further.
    (People who disagree- Your alternatives are what? Telling (probably intoxicated) men not to have sex with girls who've ingested alcohol? Or maybe use a breathalyser before sex, combine it with a signed contract? Perhaps pre-sex talk or a consistent and open commentary as it is happening on what is acceptable or not?)

    If you are sure he doesn't know that you didn't want sex, how was he supposed to know? Do you remember communicating to him that you didn't want sex/ wanted him to stop?
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    You were drunk, but still have memory of what happened
    He was flat out drunk to the point where he couldn't remember a thing. Why is he at fault again?

    If there is enough evidence for it, he can be convicted of rape even if he had zero memory of the night before. There really isn't enough information in your OP to decide either way, so I would suggest the helpline in the third post!
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    OP - who really cares about whether a bunch of strangers (who don't actually know what happened as you've been very vague) think about how legitimate your rape was. That doesn't matter. Given what you've said it doesn't sound like going to the police will either be helpful or what you want. Really any decent friend wouldn't gossip about this so I'd hope it didn't 'get around'...

    What you should do though is find someone qualified to talk to. If you feel you were raped and have all the negative feelings which go with that then you need support with those feelings (regardless of what some random stranger on TSR says).
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    (Original post by Ishax)
    But if she did kiss him then she should have stopped him and said no? Kissing someone does give a hint that you're interested in them in a intimate way. She hasn't mentioned she tried to stop him etc? If she didn't did fair enough rape its rape. As she told him to stop but he continued to do so. In my opinion, kissing does majority of the time start of to doing other sexual things together.
    I don't agree that kissing most often leads to sex.
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    (Original post by unprinted)
    What do you mean by 'lead him on' and how do you know he has no idea? If you were so drunk you couldn't do anything about it, how did he know you wanted sex?

    Personally, I would have wanted to tell him first. That may not be possible for all sorts of reasons. Not everyone takes well being told that they raped someone, for one thing...

    Having told other people, it may or may not get back to him. He may get in touch with you about it, or he may not.

    Ultimately, you've told your truth. How supportive have the friends been? Have you looked for other sources of support?

    (TSR is unlikely to count: the rape apologists are going to start blaming you before too long.)
    I mean I ended up going back with him so he obviously thought something was going to go down?? And I don't I just presumed, I've seen him only a handful of times since and he's been quite distant and the one time he tried to say hi I've told him "don't try and hit up on me" (but he also took a snapchat of me giving him oral sex and sent it around to his friends that same night which I didn't know till the next morning, but I think he thinks this is why I don't speak to him etc). One friend I told, the most distant out of the three is the most supportive she's been through a similar situation herself so I trust her not to say anything, my best friend shouted at me for not telling her locked herself in a room and cried all night then in the morning ran her mouth to a different friend and that friend when I tried to tell her about it that I don't want anyone to know brushed it off and it seemed like she didn't want to talk about it, also called me a **** a few nights after she found out (both the last two get gobby when drunk hence why I am really worried something will be said, I don't think they're taking it seriously when I say it cannot leave the house) so no, not overly supportive hahaha.
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    (Original post by Twinpeaks)
    I don't agree that kissing most often leads to sex.
    Well, that's your opinion then isn't it?
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    (Original post by StfuPls)
    This is the problem. OP regrets it.

    By even daring to confess that you 'lead him on' means you gave all the signals to have sex. You have not even hinted at the fact that you said no. You were most likely both drunk, had a ons and now you regret it because you feel like a slut - not saying you are one. You are not.
    But that is the way you're forcing yourself to feel.

    Therefore, at this current climate it is easy to say rape. The severity of rape is being significantly diminished as a result.

    You were not raped. You had sex which you in hindsight, regret.
    No, 'OP' regrets getting herself in such a state where she couldn't have done an awful lot to have got out of the situation.
    I have done a big long post on this before where I have mentioned all that I could remember, and seeing as I said no and I don't want to be here and he carried on, I would in fact class that as rape.
    The fact I didn't write in detail what happened is because that is not what I'm looking to solve here, I'm trying to get answers as to what I do now, with the fact that I got raped but he (presumably) doesn't personally know or feel as if he raped me. This was my original question.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Happened a while ago, we're at the same uni, shared halls, we used to be friends, had sex once previous to this event, and I feel I lead him on and it was my fault because I was too drunk to do anything about it. I know he raped me, but he has no idea.
    I saw a video today called 'casual rape' and it brought this all back. But that's exactly what it was, and now I don't know what to do and how to react.
    I have recently told my friends (the first people to know after 10 months) and feel worse than before when no body knew purely from the fact that I'm worried, terrified actually, they will say something and he will deny it/ tell everyone I'm spreading ****. What do I do??
    Nothing you have said here suggests he raped you. Did you at any point say to stop?
    #2

    (Original post by Nirvana1989-1994)
    I'm not going to abuse you, brah.

    I was on about saying 'no' I'm general, which can be applied to loads of situations.

    Also, as I said to someone else, her flirting with him doesn't make what he did okay, if that is what he did. I'm also sick of this 'leading them on' crap that seems to be prevalent in a lot of rape cases. But, OP should give us more details lol.
    I agree, the main thing is we don't have enough detail. In my opinion, how it is worded in the first post, this is not rape. Just a girl who had drunken sex and now regrets it. That doesn't mean its a whole different story completely. We'll never know
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I mean I ended up going back with him so he obviously thought something was going to go down??
    Going to someone's room is not consent to having sex with them.

    he also took a snapchat of me giving him oral sex and sent it around to his friends that same night which I didn't know till the next morning
    Ok, so he's slime - and probably guilty of an offence in relation to 'revenge porn' - but why were you going down on him?

    Going down on someone doesn't necessarily mean you want to do anything else with them, but it doesn't help with the 'you weren't raped' trolls.
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    (Original post by Ishax)
    Well, that's your opinion then isn't it?
    Exactly, so why on earth are you using your opinion to inform a woman that she wasn't raped when she feels she was? Especially when considering that your opinion is undoubtedly a minority, if you think that most kisses lead to sex.
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    (Original post by Twinpeaks)
    Exactly, so why on earth are you using your opinion to inform a woman that she wasn't raped when she feels she was? Especially considering when your opinion is undoubtedly a minority, if you think that most kisses lead to sex.
    SHE made a thread about it which obviously means people will comment their views and opinions if that bothers you, you're on the wrong website.

    I didn't say most kisses lead to sex, I SAID if she tried to stop him then it's rape. She didn't as she hasn't mentioned that, if she stopped him then it's rape.
    #3

    IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. No means no, and he should respect that. He probably doesn't know that he raped you, because that's our society today, and it's bs. Contact a rape helpline, tell a university counsellor, and talk to him! Tell him what he did, and then he should realise that it's wrong. Just remember, you weren't leading him on, you owe him nothing, and it wasn't your fault.
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    (Original post by Ishax)
    SHE made a thread about it which obviously means people will comment their views and opinions if that bothers you, you're on the wrong website.

    I didn't say most kisses lead to sex, I SAID if she tried to stop him then it's rape. She didn't as she hasn't mentioned that, if she stopped him then it's rape.

    She didn't ask your input on whether you agree with her believing she was raped, perhaps try reading the opening post more carefully

    You actually think that unless a person doesn't physically stop the act, that it isn't rape?

    Jesus Christ we need more education on this in school.
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    (Original post by Twinpeaks)
    She didn't ask your input on whether you agree with her believing she was raped, perhaps try reading the opening post more carefully

    You actually think that unless a person doesn't physically stop the act, that it isn't rape?

    Jesus Christ we need more education on this in school.
    I didn't ask her if she agreed with me, she hasn't even responded to me. I just gave my opinion. Clearly, you're the one getting upset. Please continue

    So immature
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I mean I ended up going back with him so he obviously thought something was going to go down?? And I don't I just presumed, I've seen him only a handful of times since and he's been quite distant and the one time he tried to say hi I've told him "don't try and hit up on me" (but he also took a snapchat of me giving him oral sex and sent it around to his friends that same night which I didn't know till the next morning, but I think he thinks this is why I don't speak to him etc). One friend I told, the most distant out of the three is the most supportive she's been through a similar situation herself so I trust her not to say anything, my best friend shouted at me for not telling her locked herself in a room and cried all night then in the morning ran her mouth to a different friend and that friend when I tried to tell her about it that I don't want anyone to know brushed it off and it seemed like she didn't want to talk about it, also called me a **** a few nights after she found out (both the last two get gobby when drunk hence why I am really worried something will be said, I don't think they're taking it seriously when I say it cannot leave the house) so no, not overly supportive hahaha.
    From what you said, I wouldn't say that you were raped, but this is definitely illegal. It is strange that you put that into brackets.
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    (Original post by Ishax)
    I didn't ask her if she agreed with me, she hasn't even responded to me. I just gave my opinion. Clearly, you're the one getting upset. Please continue

    So immature
    You've somehow completely managed to misinterpret my response to you. You have no clue regarding this topic and quite clearly lack the emotional maturity to discuss it. Come back in a few years when you have some wisdom. Don't bother responding, I won't read it.

    Oh and good luck with your first job.
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    (Original post by Josb)
    From what you said, I wouldn't say that you were raped, but this is definitely illegal. It is strange that you put that into brackets.
    I agree. I would rep you if I could lol!
 
 
 
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