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New boyfriend seems a bit controllng watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He actually is a Muslim although he looks and seems very liberal, but so am I. I suppose so far, I haven't had the chance to see his reaction if I am seeing a male friend because I just happen to be meeting female friends when he asks me. I will observe how he reacts when I'm meeting male friends.
    Didn't want to say, but someone said it anyway. Be aware of personality traits that are seem to be all fine until you do soemthing they dont like and then the control kicks in.
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    (Original post by shadowdweller)
    I'd agree with the suggestions above then, and see how he reacts to you meeting up with male friends. I do find it a little odd that he'd ask what gender the person you're meeting is though :erm:
    I was also asked the same questions with my ex. It isn't odd, the reason why some guys ask that is because they don't want their girlfriends to have male friends and generally have a lack of trust that their girlfriends will cheat.

    It's fine if both sides hold that same view and I have friends who don't have friends of the opposite gender, and neither do their spouses.

    However if one side does not hold this view, then that's when problems occur. Either way, no one should be forced to not have friends of the opposite gender just because their partner doesn't want it.
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    Sounds like a little bit of a control freak tbh. There are occasions which would make anyone uncomfortable (E.g. If you were hanging out with your ex) but his paranoia just screams future control freak.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Okay so basically I've been with a guy for about a month now, we speak on the phone often, we text and meet each other and everything is going really nicely. I told him I'm going to London in a couple of weeks to meet my friend, his immediate question is '..is this friend a man or a woman?' I say 'woman' and he'll say 'good, you know I love you, don't go meeting with men'. I remember a week after we got together, I said I was planning on going on holiday with a friend next year, again 'er is your friend male?' 'Oh okay perfect'.

    Is this just normal protective boyfriend behaviour or is he a bit controlling? I found it cute at first but idk.
    well to be honest he hasn't showed any signs of being really controlling. i think at this stage he is just being well possessive in a good way if that makes sense. maybe jealous when he may see you with a guy type think.
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    ..okay I did do what I said I would do. He called me whilst I was out with friends, unsurprisingly, he asked the same question he always asks when I go out with friends 'is your friend male or female?' I said I was with two women and asked 'would you not like it if I was with a male friend?' He said 'of course not, it would make me angry'. Bit astonishing. I said 'just because I am with a male friend, it doesn't mean I love him' and he said 'yes, yes I know don't worry'. This was over text, I will call him tomorrow and ask him again.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    ..okay I did do what I said I would do. He called me whilst I was out with friends, unsurprisingly, he asked the same question he always asks when I go out with friends 'is your friend male or female?' I said I was with two women and asked 'would you not like it if I was with a male friend?' He said 'of course not, it would make me angry'. Bit astonishing. I said 'just because I am with a male friend, it doesn't mean I love him' and he said 'yes, yes I know don't worry'. This was over text, I will call him tomorrow and ask him again.
    What the hell? Did he actually say that? I would have gone mental if I got a new boyfriend that said that quite early on. Probably because I have been a victim of a controlling relationship before(which I gladly ended), so now I've learnt to stand my ground and not tolerate any of this. These things early on are never a good sign as they can escalate and get worse. The fact that he is even asking in the first place would make me uncomfortable.

    But honestly, like is this guy from England or one of those other countries that this is typical behaviour that women only speak to their husband?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What the hell? Did he actually say that? I would have gone mental if I got a new boyfriend that said that quite early on. Probably because I have been a victim of a controlling relationship before(which I gladly ended), so now I've learnt to stand my ground and not tolerate any of this. These things early on are never a good sign as they can escalate and get worse. The fact that he is even asking in the first place would make me uncomfortable.

    But honestly, like is this guy from England or one of those other countries that this is typical behaviour that women only speak to their husband?
    He is from actually originally from Turkey, I don't really know much about the culture there as I was born and brought up in England, but I am Muslim myself so I have been able to relate to him in many ways anyway. I suppose I got suspicious when I was asked repeatedly if my friend was male or female, I remember saying to my friends tonight 'watch him ask me in a few minutes if you're male or female' and.. he did, it's predictable. I found it kind of nice at first because I thought oh maybe he gets a bit jealous, but he said 'angry', so I don't know
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He is from actually originally from Turkey, I don't really know much about the culture there as I was born and brought up in England, but I am Muslim myself so I have been able to relate to him in many ways anyway. I suppose I got suspicious when I was asked repeatedly if my friend was male or female, I remember saying to my friends tonight 'watch him ask me in a few minutes if you're male or female' and.. he did, it's predictable. I found it kind of nice at first because I thought oh maybe he gets a bit jealous, but he said 'angry', so I don't know
    Ah, I guess that makes things a bit more understandable. Sometimes what's considered the norm in one country, isn't in another. But he should know that if he is living in England now, then it is normal for people to have friends of the opposite gender.

    'Angry' is a strong word. And I would honestly get scared and put off if I was told that.
    I also hope that he isn't double standarding you and doesn't have female friends himself then. Some guys think it's ok for them to do something, but when a girl does it, then they get pissed off - control freaks.

    Generally speaking the girls that I know that follow gender segregation with friendships will usually get married and don't have boyfriends.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I was also asked the same questions with my ex. It isn't odd, the reason why some guys ask that is because they don't want their girlfriends to have male friends and generally have a lack of trust that their girlfriends will cheat.

    It's fine if both sides hold that same view and I have friends who don't have friends of the opposite gender, and neither do their spouses.

    However if one side does not hold this view, then that's when problems occur. Either way, no one should be forced to not have friends of the opposite gender just because their partner doesn't want it.
    It's a matter of opinion I guess - I would find it very odd if my partner did that, because it would seem like they didn't trust me. Whereas asking who someone is with is more of a general interest question, which seems reasonable to me

    Personally I wouldn't be happy not being able to have friends of the opposite sex, but it's different if you share the same opinion, I agree.

    Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case for the OP though, and their partner doesn't seem to be fair about it

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    ..okay I did do what I said I would do. He called me whilst I was out with friends, unsurprisingly, he asked the same question he always asks when I go out with friends 'is your friend male or female?' I said I was with two women and asked 'would you not like it if I was with a male friend?' He said 'of course not, it would make me angry'. Bit astonishing. I said 'just because I am with a male friend, it doesn't mean I love him' and he said 'yes, yes I know don't worry'. This was over text, I will call him tomorrow and ask him again.
    See, that definitely seems a bit concerning, especially the fact he would be 'angry' about it.

    To clarify here, I assume you'd be okay if he were spending time with female friends?

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    (Original post by shadowdweller)
    It's a matter of opinion I guess - I would find it very odd if my partner did that, because it would seem like they didn't trust me. Whereas asking who someone is with is more of a general interest question, which seems reasonable to me

    Personally I wouldn't be happy not being able to have friends of the opposite sex, but it's different if you share the same opinion, I agree.

    Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case for the OP though, and their partner doesn't seem to be fair about it



    See, that definitely seems a bit concerning, especially the fact he would be 'angry' about it.

    To clarify here, I assume you'd be okay if he were spending time with female friends?

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    I suppose if he told me he was with female friends, I would feel a tiny bit jealous especially if she can speak his own language and I can't. I think that's only natural though, I would never stop him speaking to female friends, like I said, I was brought up in England and it's very common to have male and female friends so I would never stop him, or even make any remarks to be honest - if I felt jealous, I'd keep that quietly to myself and get on with life because I trust him anyway.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I suppose if he told me he was with female friends, I would feel a tiny bit jealous especially if she can speak his own language and I can't. I think that's only natural though, I would never stop him speaking to female friends, like I said, I was brought up in England and it's very common to have male and female friends so I would never stop him, or even make any remarks to be honest - if I felt jealous, I'd keep that quietly to myself and get on with life because I trust him anyway.
    That's a completely reasonable response, I think a lot of people would feel the same way. His on the other hand seems a lot more severe, so I'd definitely suggest talking to him about it, especially as you don't seem to be on the same page!

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    I did speak to him again about the no male friends thing, he said to me he was sorry if he came across as offensive, and he knows some girls don't like that sort of thing being said. His reasoning was that 'I don't like other men looking at my woman', I told him that a man can simply like me as a friend, and not have any feelings for me whatsoever, he just went 'mhm.. yes but some men are different, and they want more from you'.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I did speak to him again about the no male friends thing, he said to me he was sorry if he came across as offensive, and he knows some girls don't like that sort of thing being said. His reasoning was that 'I don't like other men looking at my woman', I told him that a man can simply like me as a friend, and not have any feelings for me whatsoever, he just went 'mhm.. yes but some men are different, and they want more from you'.
    I'd try pointing out that even if they did want more from you, you're with him, and don't want the other guys.

    If he trusts you, there shouldn't be a problem with you meeting other guys tbh.
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    If he is THIS possessive only a month into the relationship, you can guarantee it'll get worse as the relationship progresses.
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    And I say that speaking from experience. A guy I was dating a couple of years ago was the loveliest guy you could ever meet, until I did something he didn't like. A few months after we got together, he, as he always did, asked me who I was going out with that night. I told him it was a couple of female friends. Halfway through the night, a male friend joined us.

    The next day, my boyfriend saw pictures of me and the male friend sitting together on Facebook and completely lost it. He called me a 'filthy ****' and pinned me up against the wall by my throat. He'd never been violent towards me before, purely because I'd always obeyed him and done as he asked. In fact, as long as I did what I was told, he was lovely. But as soon as I did something he didn't like, he attacked me.

    I left him later that same day, and I highly recommend you do the same. It will only get worse.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I suppose if he told me he was with female friends, I would feel a tiny bit jealous especially if she can speak his own language and I can't. I think that's only natural though, I would never stop him speaking to female friends, like I said, I was brought up in England and it's very common to have male and female friends so I would never stop him, or even make any remarks to be honest - if I felt jealous, I'd keep that quietly to myself and get on with life because I trust him anyway.
    May be it is getting more common to have friends of the opposite sex but it is still a mainstream view that it is not appropriate.

    For example, if my dad told my mum he was going on holiday alone with a woman, there is no way my mum would be okay with that. Even if they were only "friends". I think the majority of people wouldn't be okay with that. Most would think it is an odd thing to want to do.

    It is not a good sign that it is his first question and that he seems very worried about it but I don't think he has taken any controlling positions yet. For example, not socialising with males at all is controlling but I think no 121 time with boys, is a reasonable rule.
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    (Original post by CobaltRose96)
    If he is THIS possessive only a month into the relationship, you can guarantee it'll get worse as the relationship progresses.
    Yeah I mean this is what I was thinking. His comments came as such a huge shock because from the outside he seems so modern, chilled out and fun, I didn't expect him to come out with these things, as in keep questioning who I was with, how he doesn't like men looking at me etc. In my previous relationship, there was none of this whatsoever, we never asked who the other went out with, completely trusted each other and we had no trust issues, which is why it was so weird to start being asked these questions.
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    (Original post by shadowdweller)
    I'd try pointing out that even if they did want more from you, you're with him, and don't want the other guys.

    If he trusts you, there shouldn't be a problem with you meeting other guys tbh.
    Yeah I did try, after the first time when he told me 'of course I don't like it if you're meeting with other men', I text him saying 'you are my only man' with a kiss face, and he said 'yes I know, don't worry' I've given him no reason not trust me either so he must be insecure, maybe his ex cheated on him or something.
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    (Original post by CobaltRose96)
    And I say that speaking from experience. A guy I was dating a couple of years ago was the loveliest guy you could ever meet, until I did something he didn't like. A few months after we got together, he, as he always did, asked me who I was going out with that night. I told him it was a couple of female friends. Halfway through the night, a male friend joined us.

    The next day, my boyfriend saw pictures of me and the male friend sitting together on Facebook and completely lost it. He called me a 'filthy ****' and pinned me up against the wall by my throat. He'd never been violent towards me before, purely because I'd always obeyed him and done as he asked. In fact, as long as I did what I was told, he was lovely. But as soon as I did something he didn't like, he attacked me.

    I left him later that same day, and I highly recommend you do the same. It will only get worse.
    oh wow.. I'm so sorry to hear that, I can't even begin to imagine how that felt :/ I'm glad you got out of that relationship. I can't really judge properly how my boyfriend would react if I went out with a male friend, because we're long distance, so there isn't exactly much he can do if I want to go out with a male friend anyway besides sulk a bit on the phone, if we met each other very often or lived together, I imagine things would be a bit more different, and his reaction more intense.
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    (Original post by Sternumator)
    May be it is getting more common to have friends of the opposite sex but it is still a mainstream view that it is not appropriate.

    For example, if my dad told my mum he was going on holiday alone with a woman, there is no way my mum would be okay with that. Even if they were only "friends". I think the majority of people wouldn't be okay with that. Most would think it is an odd thing to want to do.

    It is not a good sign that it is his first question and that he seems very worried about it but I don't think he has taken any controlling positions yet. For example, not socialising with males at all is controlling but I think no 121 time with boys, is a reasonable rule.
    Yeah you're right. I suppose things are different if you're brought up in a religious household like he and I both are. My mother is allowed to have male friends, likewise my father is allowed to speak to his female friends, but I don't think my father would like it much if my mother went and said 'okay so I'm going out with Adam for dinner, bye', it would just sound weird because it's not like them to do, so maybe my boyfriend isn't too bad.

    I think he might be okay with me having male friends, just not meeting up with them, I haven't tried asking him questions about this again seeing as I've already brought it up with him twice in the past day, I'll wait a bit before interrogating again :P
 
 
 
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