GCSE grade for this piece of descriptive writing? Watch

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SylverStrike
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#21
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#21
(Original post by Ramadulla)
I'm doing it because I don't want to destroy my coursework file.

A* in Reading and, say, a C in Writing will look pretty, stupid?
It's very good that you want to improve, but I'd say that discussing this with your teachers is probably your best bet in terms of grading this piece accurately and making points for improvement.
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Muppety_Kid
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#22
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(Original post by Ramadulla)
Does anyone know what this would get like this? I'm not asking you to be accurate or anything, just an approximation would be fine .
I'd say it's probably above a C, since you've got good spelling and you've used paragraphs (leave a line in between instead of indenting for clarity).

However (new paragraph, as indicated by the blank line above), as the others have said, it does sound like you're trying too hard. Try and be less formal and loosen up a little. You need to imagine you're talking to your grandma - you'd be more formal than speaking to your friends, but you're not speaking to the Queen. :p:

Hope this helps

EDIT: As SylverStrike said, I'm not sure you understand how to use semicolons (. You should only use them in places where it could be the end of a sentence, and not just instead of a comma. For example:

Taking seize of their delirious state; the boy made an enthusiastic strike to the cologne shop.
No. This doesn't work - put a full stop in instead of the semicolon and you'll see what I mean (to clarify, a full stop doesn't work either, but you can use it to test if a semicolon would work). You get:

Taking seize of their delirious state. The boy made an enthusiastic strike to the cologne shop.
If you stop reading after "taking seize of their delirious state.", you think "eh?". I don't know how to explain it, but it just doesn't work.

Still pushing her pram, she came upon the left section of the market – the lighting there struck heavily on the 'toys' section, making it prone to the baby's prying eyes.
Instead of the hyphen (-), you could use a semicolon here.

Still pushing her pram, she came upon the left section of the market; the lighting there struck heavily on the 'toys' section, making it prone to the baby's prying eyes.
Put a full stop in instead:

Still pushing her pram, she came upon the left section of the market. The lighting there struck heavily on the 'toys' section, making it prone to the baby's prying eyes.
This does work. Can you see the difference between the first example and the second?

Hope this makes it clearer
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username130457
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#23
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#23
Added the rest.
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username130457
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#24
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#24
(Original post by SylverStrike)
It's very good that you want to improve, but I'd say that discussing this with your teachers is probably your best bet in terms of grading this piece accurately and making points for improvement.
I would. If my teacher is ever in...
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Adampolar
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#25
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#25
(Original post by Ramadulla)
" Customers awaited outside the market doors intolerantly, all congested beneath a banner displaying 'Los Angeles Market place.' Every now and then, the banner fluttered and the inevitable gusts of wind stricken the customers who encapsulated themselves with by leading every sensor in their body to a dilemma of utilising their fat cells in order to try and insulate their bodies. "
That sentence is very long, it also doesn't make sense.
Btw, how is using fat cells as insulation a dilemma?
CD grade IMO
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Oldspeak
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#26
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(Original post by Ramadulla)
Hey!


Every now and then, the banner fluttered and the inevitable gusts of wind stricken the customers who encapsulated themselves with by leading every sensor in their body to a dilemma of utilising their fat cells in order to try and insulate their bodies.
You really really do not need to describe every single movement in so much depth. As long as you pepper the essay with a few outstanding similes/metaphors then you'll get your A*. Channel your focus more on grammar.
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thanette
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#27
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#27
I'm a teacher of English, and this would gain a B grade. You need to work on your intro sentence-how will it grab your reader's attention? To gain the a/a*:

-switch between past/present-e.g. use a flashback? Begin piece in a previous time period

-use a wide varitey of punctuation

-ensure your sentences are concise-they are fluent and flow-no gr.mistakes

-original ideas and gripping, realistic content

-most of all, for your piece... VARY YOUR PARA AND SENTENCE LENGTHS!!! Yours are all similar throughout atm. Also check that WITHIN sentences in 1st/2nd para that you don't switch tense-you did this somewhere.

But you have tried hard, and a teacher will realise you are attempting an eloquent, realistic, original piece.

PS: could you involve the reader using 2nd person? one sentence para questioning them, for example...

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thanette
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#28
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PS. do not use a full stop after 'taking seize..delirous state' as one poster advised.
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PinPin
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#29
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I'd give it a C. It doesn't flow, and to be honest i stopped reading it quite quickly because your style made me cringe a bit.

In my opinion, english, or creative writing, is something that comes naturally, you've either got it or you haven't, and you seem like a grade d student trying to push yourself to an a*, in all the wrong ways (using complicated language and types of punctuation in the wrong situations etc).

Don't like to be mean but i don't want you to be disappointed if you don't get the grade you're expecting. Try writing what comes naturally to you instead of trying so hard! You might be surprised
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zef99
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#30
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#30
just realax, don't try to impress. write well not what you think would appear good. be simple, it's often the most effective. hook clear but intriguing sentences upon an inticing story. don't be too flashy.
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username130457
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#31
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#31
(Original post by PinPin)
I'd give it a C. It doesn't flow, and to be honest i stopped reading it quite quickly because your style made me cringe a bit.

In my opinion, english, or creative writing, is something that comes naturally, you've either got it or you haven't, and you seem like a grade d student trying to push yourself to an a*, in all the wrong ways (using complicated language and types of punctuation in the wrong situations etc).

Don't like to be mean but i don't want you to be disappointed if you don't get the grade you're expecting. Try writing what comes naturally to you instead of trying so hard! You might be surprised
Grade D student :confused:? Maybe in this part of English...
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Smoobla
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#32
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#32
I know it's meant to be descriptive, but I think that's a bit too descriptive...

Probably better than anything I'd attempt though!
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Muppety_Kid
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#33
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#33
(Original post by thanette)
PS. do not use a full stop after 'taking seize..delirous state' as one poster advised.
Sorry, that was me - maye I didn't make it clear. I was trying to illustrate when you can and can't use a semicolon. I didn't actually mean for him to put a full stop, you were halfway through my worked example
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PinPin
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#34
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(Original post by Ramadulla)
Grade D student :confused:? Maybe in this part of English...
I don't mean you ARE a grade D student, i mean that writing that way will make you seem like one. Trying too hard is really obvious.

what are you predicted, just out of interest?
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Kashya
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#35
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Mhmm, I'll agree with what's been said. It seems that you are trying way too hard. Its just not flowing and makes it increasingly annoying to read. You need to relax a little bit.
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username130457
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#36
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#36
Ok. I'd be fine if anyone, first of all, helped me to get this grade to a definite B.

Like everyone else is saying, I'm trying hard. I need at-least a B to have any chance to get an A overall on my coursework. TSR is my last chance because my teacher isn't in and coursework is being collected on Wednesday. I'm so screwed.

If anyone has time, can they pick a paragraph from my writing and work it out to a higher standard just for a sample, of which i can use for the rest of my writing. I just need to get the gist, to be honest.

Thank you so much everyone!
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blissy
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#37
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#37
Teachers find it really difficult to mark a piece of descriptive writing accurately. I'm sure we're not going to be able to do the job properly. Especially if you've not specified the question/exam board/spec etc
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thanette
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#38
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(Original post by Muppety_Kid)
Sorry, that was me - maye I didn't make it clear. I was trying to illustrate when you can and can't use a semicolon. I didn't actually mean for him to put a full stop, you were halfway through my worked example

No probs!I've just realised that coulda sounded a bit harsh-I didn't mean to come across this way if it did
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username130457
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#39
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#39
(Original post by PinPin)
I don't mean you ARE a grade D student, i mean that writing that way will make you seem like one. Trying too hard is really obvious.

what are you predicted, just out of interest?
A/B in Language and an A* in Literature.

This descriptive writing part of the exam/coursework is seriously going to muddle up my overall performance. :rolleyes:.
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thanette
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#40
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And, op, you are NOT screwed at all. After editing, you will get secure B for sure. Wish my kids were this bloody bothered about their grades, and meeting deadlines ;P respect to you!
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