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    (Original post by superwolf)
    :hugs: If it's still there, turn out your light and turn on the hall one then open the door. They usually go towards the light.
    The bathroom lights open and the door to it is as well. But Rory is playing games on the tv

    We're on a camp out in the living room and I just keep freaking at everything ATM. So on edge it's unreal


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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    I'm now freaking and panicking because there's a fly in the room.

    I'm so ****ing pathetic. I can't sleep now its buzzing round and round :cry2:

    Gahhhh I just need to hide away from everyone and everything I think. Forever


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    I know oh too we'll the annoyance of flys Hun. I spent like an hour chasing one around the room late at night with my friend in he next room :P
    Try shoving in your headphones or something and ignoring it. It should settle down soon enough, all you need to do is wait it out and stay calm. It's a pain in the **** but it will leave and everything will be fine.

    You don't! Everybody would miss you too much :hugs: everyone gets like that from time to time, don't worry about it, you're doing just fine so just keep believing in yourself.

    Hope you get to sleep soon and have a lovely day tomorrow


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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    The bathroom lights open and the door to it is as well. But Rory is playing games on the tv

    We're on a camp out in the living room and I just keep freaking at everything ATM. So on edge it's unreal


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    Curl up near him, take some good deep breaths and try to relax. Head down, music on if you can and just focus on you and relaxing your body and breathing. You'll be fine with him nearby! :hugs:


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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    The bathroom lights open and the door to it is as well. But Rory is playing games on the tv

    We're on a camp out in the living room and I just keep freaking at everything ATM. So on edge it's unreal


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    :console: Get Rory to stop playing and give you a cuddle for a bit?
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    :console: Get Rory to stop playing and give you a cuddle for a bit?
    No i need to be careful atm. Really hurt my knee so cant do much
    Im trying my hardest to get to sleep but between being in agony with my knee and noises its not going well.
    Just need to have a breakdown but its not happening cant keep going with all the ****ness thats happening :cry2:


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    So despite being exhausted and feeling like I am about to fall asleep for the last 4 hours, apparently I'm not sleeping tonight. I'd love to say it's a side effect but this has happened three times in the last two weeks. At least I can stay in bed most of the morning if I do get to sleep.

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    Ended up in A&E last night. Now have to see the damn crisis team. Praying yet again I don't get sectioned.
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    Woke up at 7am, couldn't sleep, started making a papier mache igloo for the mice I don't even own yet. Not that I'm crazy or anything. :innocent:



    (Original post by Noodlzzz)
    Ended up in A&E last night. Now have to see the damn crisis team. Praying yet again I don't get sectioned.
    :hugs: Dunno which is worse - spending the night in A&E, or having to see the crisis team! Best of luck. :hugs:
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    Woke up at 7am, couldn't sleep, started making a papier mache igloo for the mice I don't even own yet. Not that I'm crazy or anything. :innocent:





    :hugs: Dunno which is worse - spending the night in A&E, or having to see the crisis team! Best of luck. :hugs:
    So hot baths aren't appropriate this time of year. Apparently I should go for a walk. Because the paranoia of being around strangers is going to make me feel awesome. I'd prefer a hot bath.
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    (Original post by Noodlzzz)
    Ended up in A&E last night. Now have to see the damn crisis team. Praying yet again I don't get sectioned.
    I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling right now, if you need anything you know where I am.
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    (Original post by Idle)
    I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling right now, if you need anything you know where I am.
    Thank you.
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    I need to get out of this wallowing in self pity crap.
    I cant do basic **** at the moment because i just feel so ****.
    All i want is to be able to do the washing up, put some clothes into wash so i have something to wear and have a shower. But i really cant be arsed because i see no point.
    I see no point in doing anything because I'm not leaving the flat.
    I genuinely give up. I give up with everything :cry2:


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    Seeing the psychiatrist again today. Quite nervous about it. Not sure what to say. Been loosing weight and other side effects with the meds so I should probably mention that. Getting rather paranoid at times too. Haven't really mentioned that before and I don't know how to


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    (Original post by Kindred)
    Seeing the psychiatrist again today. Quite nervous about it. Not sure what to say. Been loosing weight and other side effects with the meds so I should probably mention that. Getting rather paranoid at times too. Haven't really mentioned that before and I don't know how to


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    It'll be ok. :hugs: You could make a list so you don't forget to mention stuff, or just hand it over if you get really nervous.
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    Thanks for replying. Now I get to do more self obsessed ranting!

    (Original post by Idle)
    I think a lot of us would be lying if we didn't say that while having suffered has benefited our personality in someway it also has it's negatives on it. For me those are a shorter fuse and just a lack of care sometimes.

    My dad had terminal cancer and I happened to be very low already, some of the things I said and did I would not dream of doing when well. If you are working each other up it might be best for both of you if you try to keep out of her way for now, what kind of things is she doing?
    Yeah I guess that's true.

    Am sorry to hear about you and your dad. We pretty much avoid each other nowadays, other than when she wants something. I've tried to let her know she can come to me, to chat or to do something together after meals or whatever but she didnt want to heat it. II don't wanna go into specifics but I think it's her general entitled, ungrateful attitude that upsets me most. Some stuff she does is a ****ing pain to have to live with but is clearly caused by her condition and I can't imagine is any fun for her but lots of the way she acts around people seems unnecessary (to put it mildly lol).

    (Original post by superwolf)
    Various points:
    - Possibly you influenced your sister partially, but you definitely won't be the only factor in her developing an eating disorder. You are not the only person in her life, there will have been other circumstances, role models, possibly even genetics involved.
    - You're having a tough time just looking after yourself, so it's not your job to be looking after her too. It's also very easy to say with hindsight that you should have done something, not so easy to realise it at the time.
    - Not all mental illness is the same. Just because you have one illness (or several like all the cool kids ), doesn't mean you necessarily have some massive insight into hers. Even the same illness can manifest itself in a hundred different ways.
    - Not all mentally ill people are wonderful. Your sister might well be both mentally ill, and a total ****head. It's not your fault, and there's not much you can do if that's the case.
    - Your mental illness is in no way your fault, and IMO your parents should be falling on their knees begging for you to forgive the way they've treated you.
    - You are a good person. Ask anyone in this society. Ask the owls you made me!
    - Once again, you're right to be putting yourself first. If it's too hard for you to answer other people's posts at the moment then that's fine, and it's nothing to feel guilty about. We all go through times when we just can't spare the time or energy for other people, everyone on here understands that and just looks forward to a time when you are feeling better.
    - You are awesome.
    Ok I guess if I think about it it probably isn't alll me. But I think I was definitely the catalyst and that makes me feel so much guilt. Like it wasn't bad enough that I ruin my life and his life and shame my parents, I also go and ruin my sisters life and don't even care enough to do anything about it so I let it get worse and worse and worse. I knew at the time there was problem and I should do something but I was so busy pretending like everything is great and there is no such thing as mental problems it's just an attitude that, aside from one ****ty text, i did **** all to even acknowledge it.

    It's true that I don't really have a clue what's going on for her, I just know that I sometimes act in ways that are wrong but I don't mean too and appreciate it when people are understanding of that. Although I also feel ****ty about it afterwards and apologise and try not to do it again which I'm not sure she really does. Thats a ****ing horrible thing to assume. If a symptom of her condition is irritability is it fair to be annoyed when she displays that? I guess I don't say anything so its fine to have feelings. But I feel like I should be more understanding of her given I basically caused this.

    Now I feel really **** that I've made my parents sound like ogres. They're honestly great. They've always been so supportive of us and have looked after us great and basically I've been really really lucky to have them and grow up here. Also I know they care about me lots. And they're doing they're absolute best to help my sister, and also me in a way. My mum just knows that it is my fault and that it is a terrible thing to cause and turns you into a terrible person, which is true. Everyone else does know that, they're just too polite or whatever to be honest with me, whereas my mum actually cares about me so she has always been straight.

    How be you? Still sehr excited over your mice I see Are you getting them anytime soon?


    (Original post by Anonymous)
    :jumphug: :jumphug:

    Going to do what superwolf did and bullet point a response (my head's too fuzzy from head and exhaustion and flatness).

    • It's not your fault that either she, or yourself, is ill. No way.
    • Regarding getting her help... It's hard to do something like that, and given that you've been ill yourself, it's going to have been even harder.
    • I think you're human for getting angry with her for being unpleasant to be honest... You're accepting that it's partially the mental illness, which it is I'm sure, but either way, it's going to be hard to live with, especially when you're struggling yourself. To be honest, I don't much like people using mental illness as treating others like crap - I've had bad experiences on this front - either. I try not to, but if I am irritable or snippy or whatever, I do tend to feel guilty and apologise.
    • You are not a **** person, and none of this is your fault. I'm sorry your parents haven't been more understanding towards you, that must be really hard. :jumphug:
    • As superwolf said, mental illness affects everyone differently, and I suspect to an extent, people who say they've become more compassionate or whatever say that when they've recovered (I have no idea, but I imagine it would be easier after you've recovered)... You're obviously still ill, and that, aside from anything else, for a lot of people, makes their self-perception so much worse (hence why several people try and tell me I'm amazing when I hate myself...). I do not for one second believe you are selfish, and you've been really nice and supportive in PMs to me, and I like receiving them, so you do help others! You're not a bad person, honestly, you're just someone going through a really **** time, and that makes everything so much harder.


    I'm always at the end of a PM if you need me.
    See it really is my fault. The feminist inside me finds it pretty irritating that I blame myself for what happened but even if you put that to the side is still my fault for letting it progress and take me over.

    I agree with you that mental illness is no excuse to be nasty, I hate it when people excuse me for stuff just cos im ill. You be a **** person and be unwell. I just feel bad about my sister. We used to be fairly close and I feel **** for ****ing her over.

    I don't like talking about my self-perception with others cos it makes me feel rubbish. I know that I am right. And most people who try and tell me otherwise don't actually know me or dont know certain stuff about me so I know that they cant really be telling the truth. But then I also know that illness does screw you over and I see other people feel rubbish about themselves even when they shouldnt (like you for example) so i think that makes me very hypocritical. But it is different for me (lol).

    Thanks, same for you even if I do take an age to get back. :hugs:
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    Been to visit my grandparents for the first time in what feels like forever. It was a little awkward but kinda fun. Pretty sure my nan was judging my weight gain and that fact I haven't seen her for about a year though so that felt a little sucky. They asked about uni and what I'm up to and how my allotment was doing and everything and sometimes I forget how proud they are of me and then I realise how they really shouldn't be because I've failed so many times and I'm still just bumbling through.

    Still haven't really touched my coursework either

    I found out my summer camp is based at my girlfriend's uni today so we can do lunch together and stuff. Feeling better about that now that I know that if anything goes wrong she's at least available to deal with me. Just need to get through the first week of it alone because we're based at an activity centre.

    And the uni have at least got student finance to admit that they are probably wrong so that's all being reevaluated now
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    :hugs: You've got us at least. Have you told a doctor about blacking out/memory loss?
    Thanks :hugs: No I haven't - it hasn't really happened before. Although I tend to avoid the doctors at all costs as it's triggering and too much effort tbh. Not good, but I'm not convinced I really care enough about myself to be bothered.

    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    Your not alone Hun, like wolf said, you've got us :penguinhug: :jumphugs:


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    Thanks hun :hugs:
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    (Original post by Sultana)
    See it really is my fault. The feminist inside me finds it pretty irritating that I blame myself for what happened but even if you put that to the side is still my fault for letting it progress and take me over.

    I agree with you that mental illness is no excuse to be nasty, I hate it when people excuse me for stuff just cos im ill. You be a **** person and be unwell. I just feel bad about my sister. We used to be fairly close and I feel **** for ****ing her over.

    I don't like talking about my self-perception with others cos it makes me feel rubbish. I know that I am right. And most people who try and tell me otherwise don't actually know me or dont know certain stuff about me so I know that they cant really be telling the truth. But then I also know that illness does screw you over and I see other people feel rubbish about themselves even when they shouldnt (like you for example) so i think that makes me very hypocritical. But it is different for me (lol).

    Thanks, same for you even if I do take an age to get back. :hugs:
    Admittedly, I don't know the extent of what you went through/what happened etc., but even if you have "let it take you over," that's not to say it's your fault. PTSD is an illness - the fact that what happened affects you still is not a reflection on you in any way, and such a traumatic experience is bound to have really affected you. You're not to blame, honestly!

    It difficult, mental illness can definitely bring out the worst in people, but... I still try to apologise if I'm *****y or snippy or whatever, and do tend to feel guilty about it if I am unnecessarily narky (also, I tend to sound a bit frustrated with others when in reality I'm just pissed off with myself). In no way have you ****ed her over, honestly.

    Ah, I can get behind the "it's different for me" mentality... If anyone says the stuff I say regarding being ****/wasting time/being a burden/should be able to cope etc etc etc, I say it's the illness, they deserve help, they're not **** or wasting anyone else's time, because I do not believe that to be the case for anyone else for one minute. I do not apply that to myself at all...

    :hugs:
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    It'll be ok. :hugs: You could make a list so you don't forget to mention stuff, or just hand it over if you get really nervous.
    Thanks. I'm on my way now. Didn't write a list, I don't want to write this stuff down anywhere. I think i'll ask them to read that questionare thing again so I can be more honest this time and see where that takes me.


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    I have no understanding of people at all. One minute people who used to be friends are like yeah lets go for a catch up. They invite me right. Then I try to confirm a meet up they say sorry busy and it turns out theyre out partying with all the people we used to hang out with. I'm the only one missing from the gang.

    Then monday I manage to get someone to agree to hang out with me, they then ignore my 'where we meeting' texts until they phone and say yeah I've called someone else and they are free so I'm going to hang with them instead. If they didnt want to hang out why agree and then go in search of someone else.

    I'm just sooooo confused. I have noone in my life. Noone wants to hang out and I dont know why. The thing is noone dislikes me. Like they dont activitly have something against me. Just everyone I used to be friends with, whether school, uni, work or flatmates just nothings me.
    I just dont understand.

    i feel like everyones been told theres a prize if they can push me over the edge.
 
 
 
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