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    Bla. When will things be ok :cry:
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    (Original post by ANONYM00SE)
    Bla. When will things be ok :cry:
    :jumphug: PM me if you need to talk... Things will start to get better :yep: :hugs:


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    Feeling nervy and anxious today, about to phone the doctors for an appointment finally since I came out with a rash last night. Going to mention my mental state when I'm there and see what he thinks.

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    (Original post by james1211)
    Feeling nervy and anxious today, about to phone the doctors for an appointment finally since I came out with a rash last night. Going to mention my mental state when I'm there and see what he thinks.

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    Best of luck! Just remember the doc is there to help you.. Hope it goes well


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    (Original post by -FireFlies-)
    Best of luck! Just remember the doc is there to help you.. Hope it goes well


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    Thanks, I have to wait till Friday morning because they're so busy it's not my normal doctor either but I'm not too concerned about that.

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    (Original post by luno)
    Glad you enjoyed it .

    I can understand what you mean. When I am genuinely enjoying myself in the back of my mind I still think 'why do I feel so ****?'

    Ah you've got a good friend there! Did you watch one in the end?

    Things feel a bit strange at the moment. Before this week I was just generally feeling really low with very negative thoughts and just had a bad outlook about everything. But this week, I have no idea what's changed, I'm feeling the most ok I have felt in months... maybe even years. I haven't done anything different and feel bad about being ignored by friend but now it's like there's nothing huge weighing me down.

    Before this week I would spend the day either feeling not too bad because of keeping myself busy or just faking being happy but then breaking down and feeling terrible whenever I am alone but this week I haven't. I even sang along to songs that generally make me cry...

    Sorry for the ramble. It's good feeling this way but it also feels strange! I don't think it'll last though.

    How have you been? Sorry about the things happening with your sister but like others have said, it isn't your fault :hugs:.

    And thanks for the PM a while back, it was really sweet of you to write such kind things :jumphug:. Sorry I never replied properly .
    I don't think I ever enjoy myself. I don't know. The best I really seem to feel is an absence of bad stuff. Try to focus on just the good stuff that is happening now, but I can't seem to do present thinking properly or for very long before am bombarded with all the nastiness again.

    Am really glad you're feeling ok atm :hugs: I can imagine after so long of feeling crappy it would feel peculiar, especially as you can't pinpoint any reason for it. Depression does naturally vary in intensity though, so it might be that you're finally getting a break. I hope it lasts for you.

    You're welcome, was only saying the truth And I thought you had replied, am I imagining things?!

    (Original post by Anonymous)
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    I know how you feel. My brother has now finished his master and got a real good job at a great company. He really has his **** together. I was always the more academically inclined doing better at school etc. I have major problems finishing my thesis, should be doable now but the grade might be meh just a pass. But I was a the point of throwing it all away and doing something totally different. I never applied to internships for various reasons and even now that I'm close to finishing my masters I have so much trouble applying to internships/jobs. I felt like my parents did so much for me and put me through uni and supported me and I can't even apply to jobs. I don't even know why, partly I guess I don't like rejection and partly because maybe I'm still too immature and don't really want to work. Who knows. Point is I thought I was being a loser wasting my potential and disappointing my parents.

    But it turns out that they sympathize. Again they try to help me, find openings and help with the application. They tell me that I do need to find something, but they are not being harsh about, saying I'm a loser and lazy. Maybe your parents are the same? Reading this why don't you just talk to your dad about it? Since you used to do these things it seems this might just be a slump but that you can get out of? Talk to him, he might have an idea of what you can do and with a little push you go along with it and can go on from there?


    Anyway, hope you can sort things out!
    Thanks for the reply. I'm glad you managed to talk to your parents and they're being supportive of you. What's your thesis about?

    Unfortunately I think it's a bit more than a slump for me. My parents think I'm being very lazy, unmotivated, selfish when I don't really go out or spend lots of time (crying) alone in my room, but actually am not choosing to be like this I'm just very ill atm. I don't know whether that is reasonable or not. I feel exceedingly **** about the extent to which my life is affected and my natural instinct is to blame myself for it, because I'm not trying hard enough, am bad person, blah de blah (see I even bore myself im so repetitive) but I am ill and illness can prevent you from doing things/make basic living the hardest thing in the world let alone anything else. I really know that I put in a **** tonne effort to get up every morning and try to act like im not withered away and that exhausts me and leaves my dying in my room which I can't do anything about. I think. I don't know I still think if I was stronger I would manage better. sorry for the ridiculous ramble i have no idea what I just said.


    (Original post by superwolf)
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    Your parents should not be disappointed in you when you are fighting your hardest to keep going. They should be proud to have such an amazing daughter. :hugs:



    I think the point I was making is that I'm not amazing hence why they aren't proud. I know you're under the illusion that anyone who posts here (in a genuine, un-dickish way) happens also to be an awesome person, but I promise you're wrong. My watching some screwball or liking crafts or whatever else reason you're going to use to prove how great I am doesn't negate the bad stuff. The bad stuff pretty much being I'm not really a human being with a personality any more, I'm just a selfish body moving about turning everything to dirt. Sorry for the melodramatics aha.


    I don't understand why I'm still keeping on. I don't think you could call it fighting seeing as I'm doing absolutely nothing proactive about it. Swallow my meds, don't kill myself are basically my sole achievements each day. The world is really over-populated and that is only going to get worse. I don't bring anything novel or great, lot's of people can do what I can do but easier and better. I am hurting more than I can put into words, and I'm hurting other people because of that as well. Objectively the world would be a little bit better without me. Even just in terms of NHS budget. I feel completely empty of anything worthwhile, and everything around me feels completely meaningless as well. So me still being alive is not an achievement from a fighter. It's the result of my final selfish cowardice.
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    (Original post by Sultana)
    I think the point I was making is that I'm not amazing hence why they aren't proud. I know you're under the illusion that anyone who posts here (in a genuine, un-dickish way) happens also to be an awesome person, but I promise you're wrong. My watching some screwball or liking crafts or whatever else reason you're going to use to prove how great I am doesn't negate the bad stuff. The bad stuff pretty much being I'm not really a human being with a personality any more, I'm just a selfish body moving about turning everything to dirt. Sorry for the melodramatics aha.


    I don't understand why I'm still keeping on. I don't think you could call it fighting seeing as I'm doing absolutely nothing proactive about it. Swallow my meds, don't kill myself are basically my sole achievements each day. The world is really over-populated and that is only going to get worse. I don't bring anything novel or great, lot's of people can do what I can do but easier and better. I am hurting more than I can put into words, and I'm hurting other people because of that as well. Objectively the world would be a little bit better without me. Even just in terms of NHS budget. I feel completely empty of anything worthwhile, and everything around me feels completely meaningless as well. So me still being alive is not an achievement from a fighter. It's the result of my final selfish cowardice.
    And the point I'm making is that, although awesome, you are also a total dumbass. I don't think you're awesome because you happen to like some of the same stuff as me (although that gains you extra bonus points), I think you're awesome because you're a strong, funny and intelligent person who I wish I knew in real life. And I'm not under any illusions about the people who post on here - I just know how to see their good side, because all of us in here have one, just mental illness tends to make us forget that. And I challenge you to find any other corner of TSR/the whole damn internet that contains such a great collection of supportive, generous and all-round fabulous people. I know mental illness can bring out the worst in people, but I've also seen that it can make you a kinder, more sympathetic and generous person, and in fact bring out the best in you too when you get together to support other people. I think I'm a much nicer person for having had depression. Doubt I'd have actually chosen the trade-off, but it happened and here I am.

    Really and seriously, you need to stop hating yourself. You are a good person. You've been given a pretty ****ty deal in terms of life events, but I do believe you're strong enough to prevail eventually. You're not destroying anybody's life, you're a positive influence in the lives of many, and if you could accept that I think it would help you in your recovery which is totally going to happen.

    And I know exactly how you feel in terms of being a waste of space, cos I've been there too. However looking back, I know that I wasn't contributing much to society during that time of space wastage, but overall in my life I've been at least moderately awesome. I put it to you that the sum total of you is and will be awesome too. Especially when you take into account the many awesomenesses of Sultana's Life Yet to Come.
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    (Original post by -FireFlies-)
    :jumphug: PM me if you need to talk... Things will start to get better :yep: :hugs:


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    Thanks :hugs: how are you doing?


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    Just got back from town with mum... saw the guy who abused me when I was 8... he was working on the check out... I was trying not to freak out.. then was like mum give me the receipt give me the receipt to see the cashier name... 99% sure it was him... I was almost in hysterics and she pretty much blanked me and brushed it off. yeah ****ing thanks.
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    (Original post by ANONYM00SE)
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    Just got back from town with mum... saw the guy who abused me when I was 8... he was working on the check out... I was trying not to freak out.. then was like mum give me the receipt give me the receipt to see the cashier name... 99% sure it was him... I was almost in hysterics and she pretty much blanked me and brushed it off. yeah ****ing thanks.
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    :hugs: So sorry you had to go through that.
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    (Original post by superwolf)
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    :hugs: So sorry you had to go through that.
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    Thanks. I'm so angry with her. She is so unsupportive sometimes. Ok most of the time.
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    (Original post by ANONYM00SE)
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    Thanks. I'm so angry with her. She is so unsupportive sometimes. Ok most of the time.
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    Did she definitely realise who you thought it was? If so then yeah, that's pretty bad. Would you feel up to talking to her about you feel?
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    (Original post by superwolf)
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    Did she definitely realise who you thought it was? If so then yeah, that's pretty bad. Would you feel up to talking to her about you feel?
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    Yeah I told her straight out as soon as we got out of ear shot of him. Her response was no they moved to town X. Erm... yeah and people can't move back?! Or work somewhere other than their hometown?! Not worth trying to talk to her about it , tried it before in the past... When my parents found out when I was 15 what had happened to me when I was 8, my mum was more concerned about pinning the blame on my dad or telling her friends all about it... never actually considered how I felt or anything.... funny thing is we have the same psychiatrist who said both my parents are pretty much devoid of any emotions... sorry rant over
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    (Original post by ANONYM00SE)
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    Yeah I told her straight out as soon as we got out of ear shot of him. Her response was no they moved to town X. Erm... yeah and people can't move back?! Or work somewhere other than their hometown?! Not worth trying to talk to her about it , tried it before in the past... When my parents found out when I was 15 what had happened to me when I was 8, my mum was more concerned about pinning the blame on my dad or telling her friends all about it... never actually considered how I felt or anything.... funny thing is we have the same psychiatrist who said both my parents are pretty much devoid of any emotions... sorry rant over
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    ****ing sucks that your mum's like that. Some people seriously suck at being supportive. And don't feel bad about ranting - it's way healthier to do that than what your mum does pretending nothing's happened!
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    (Original post by superwolf)
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    ****ing sucks that your mum's like that. Some people seriously suck at being supportive. And don't feel bad about ranting - it's way healthier to do that than what your mum does pretending nothing's happened!
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    yeah it drives me mad... annoying thing is that she wants full support over stupid things... ridiculous stuff... things she causes herself.. I basically try and ignore her because she makes mountains out of molehills but when non trivial stuff happens to me she's all oh get over it... grrr. Thanks for replying btw
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    (Original post by ANONYM00SE)
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    yeah it drives me mad... annoying thing is that she wants full support over stupid things... ridiculous stuff... things she causes herself.. I basically try and ignore her because she makes mountains out of molehills but when non trivial stuff happens to me she's all oh get over it... grrr. Thanks for replying btw
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    No problem - if it were me I'd want someone to talk to right now too. :hugs: To be honest ignoring her does sound like a pretty valid strategy - you've done your best to get her to do her job as a mum, and if she's not up to that then I guess there's not much else you can do apart from get on with things without her. Do you have anyone else in your family who you're more able to talk to when you need it?
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    relapse is imminent. i bought everything i needed and then my gf calls so im spending the night at hers and now im just frustrated. we'll end up fighting because im in defensive attack mode and i dont know what to do.
    • #18
    #18

    (Original post by ANONYM00SE)
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    Yeah I told her straight out as soon as we got out of ear shot of him. Her response was no they moved to town X. Erm... yeah and people can't move back?! Or work somewhere other than their hometown?! Not worth trying to talk to her about it , tried it before in the past... When my parents found out when I was 15 what had happened to me when I was 8, my mum was more concerned about pinning the blame on my dad or telling her friends all about it... never actually considered how I felt or anything.... funny thing is we have the same psychiatrist who said both my parents are pretty much devoid of any emotions... sorry rant over
    Hey, sorry to hear that! Do you have any other family that might listen?

    But anyway, as superwolf said, rant away, it helps
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    (Original post by superwolf)
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    No problem - if it were me I'd want someone to talk to right now too. :hugs: To be honest ignoring her does sound like a pretty valid strategy - you've done your best to get her to do her job as a mum, and if she's not up to that then I guess there's not much else you can do apart from get on with things without her. Do you have anyone else in your family who you're more able to talk to when you need it?
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    Nope.. nobody else.. I am pretty much on my own. Just hoping I get in to uni so I can get out of here... but I'm pretty sure I haven't got in to either of my choices... going around in circles really
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey, sorry to hear that! Do you have any other family that might listen?

    But anyway, as superwolf said, rant away, it helps
    thanks, nope I don't have anyone else really. I have my boyfriend but I don't like to burden him with absolutely everything.
    • #18
    #18

    (Original post by ANONYM00SE)
    thanks, nope I don't have anyone else really. I have my boyfriend but I don't like to burden him with absolutely everything.
    Yea I guess that is wise. But he might actually like being able to be there for you
 
 
 
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