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    Everyone would be so much better if I didn't be. Why am I too **** to do what I need to? Having 'hope' for my future is ridiculous, unachievable and ****ing selfish. Why can't I do what is best for everyone, and why do people's wrong emotions on the subject keep clouding my judgment? It's ridiculous. I'm ridiculous. If I had half an ounce of self restraint and selflessness left in me then I could say that this is my last post, but I know that I'm normally weak and irrational so I don't think I can say that.

    My heart hurts.

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    (Original post by ParadoxSocks)
    relapse is imminent. i bought everything i needed and then my gf calls so im spending the night at hers and now im just frustrated. we'll end up fighting because im in defensive attack mode and i dont know what to do.
    :hugs: Can you talk to your girlfriend about how you're feeling, rather than getting into a fight with her? And relapsing is never good, so you could do with your girlfriend's support I reckon.

    (Original post by ANONYM00SE)
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    Nope.. nobody else.. I am pretty much on my own. Just hoping I get in to uni so I can get out of here... but I'm pretty sure I haven't got in to either of my choices... going around in circles really
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    I really hope you get in. If not, maybe go somewhere like the Citizens' Advice Bureau and see if they can give you some other options for getting away from home. There's always a way, so don't despair! It's also worth calling up each uni if you don't hit the grades, and see if they'll either let you in anyway or let you onto a different course. I originally applied for English and Russian, ****ed up the English and ended up doing single honours Russian instead. Turned out to be way better than I think the English side of things would have been.
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    (Original post by asdfgah)
    Everyone would be so much better if I didn't be. Why am I too **** to do what I need to? Having 'hope' for my future is ridiculous, unachievable and ****ing selfish. Why can't I do what is best for everyone, and why do people's wrong emotions on the subject keep clouding my judgment? It's ridiculous. I'm ridiculous. If I had half an ounce of self restraint and selflessness left in me then I could say that this is my last post, but I know that I'm normally weak and irrational so I don't think I can say that.

    My heart hurts.

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    Total and utter *******s. :hugs: We love having you post here, and you're a great help to many of us. And as for having hope for your future, based on how you come across online at least I'd say you're a great person with really good prospects of things getting better (obviously it's not as simple as that, but with some hard work and time I think you really can have a good life ).
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yea I guess that is wise. But he might actually like being able to be there for you
    He says he's fine with it but I don't feel comfortable constantly bombarding him with my ****. I feel like he should have a break from it if that makes sense... I dunno I probably don't make sense :/

    (Original post by superwolf)
    :hugs: Can you talk to your girlfriend about how you're feeling, rather than getting into a fight with her? And relapsing is never good, so you could do with your girlfriend's support I reckon.



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    I really hope you get in. If not, maybe go somewhere like the Citizens' Advice Bureau and see if they can give you some other options for getting away from home. There's always a way, so don't despair! It's also worth calling up each uni if you don't hit the grades, and see if they'll either let you in anyway or let you onto a different course. I originally applied for English and Russian, ****ed up the English and ended up doing single honours Russian instead. Turned out to be way better than I think the English side of things would have been.
    Thanks I hope so too - it's my last chance at getting in to uni really. College is supposed to be applying for extenuating circumstances for me but I am really dubious they're actually doing it. Not sure whether or not to email my universities and scan the doctor's and psychiatrist's letters in to the email. I dunno what I'd say though. I love Russian
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    (Original post by ANONYM00SE)
    Thanks I hope so too - it's my last chance at getting in to uni really. College is supposed to be applying for extenuating circumstances for me but I am really dubious they're actually doing it. Not sure whether or not to email my universities and scan the doctor's and psychiatrist's letters in to the email. I dunno what I'd say though. I love Russian
    I wouldn't call it a last chance - people go back and study at college/uni when they're ancient! You could maybe email the unis but without enclosing the letters, just saying briefly that you believe you have mitigating circumstances and that you've gone down the official path to let them know, but your college is being unhelpful so you'd appreciate it if they'd check their records for you. I'll help you write it if you like - it's generally much easier writing these things for other people rather than yourself. PM me if you'd like some help but don't want to say details on the thread.
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    Total and utter *******s. :hugs: We love having you post here, and you're a great help to many of us. And as for having hope for your future, based on how you come across online at least I'd say you're a great person with really good prospects of things getting better (obviously it's not as simple as that, but with some hard work and time I think you really can have a good life ).
    (Oh look. I'm posting again. Evidence. Is all ****ing evidence I don't know why everyone is blind to it.)

    Seriously though you see a fragment of me. I'm ****ing disastrous. Even my family thinks I'm attention seeking for crying even though I shut myself in the bathroom. Couldn't go in bedroom because my sister was in there which limited options to crying in bathroom or not crying and if my mum shouts at me for crying in bathroom I guess that means I should have chosen option of not crying. Which makes me weak and pathetic because I couldn't stop myself.

    I have to wear stupid clothes because my swimsuit is too low-cut to hide all my scars and my sister is always in our bedroom and that makes it such an effort to even get dressed cos she might walk in or she's already there but can't be in bathroom more than 2 minutes without people getting angry. Is blatantly obvious that I'm wasting space and dragging them down and it's so so selfish for me to live anymore. Why do I be so selfish like this?

    I screamed in my sleep and they keep asking me what my dream was. I can't talk about that can I. Cos then they would hate me even more. But I'm already the one filling space I don't deserve. Waking my sister up. Making my mum check cos she heard scream. 'I need my own space' I could say but I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything. I want to stop. God I'm sorry for posting again I don't know what to do.

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    (Original post by asdfgah)
    (Oh look. I'm posting again. Evidence. Is all ****ing evidence I don't know why everyone is blind to it.)

    Seriously though you see a fragment of me. I'm ****ing disastrous. Even my family thinks I'm attention seeking for crying even though I shut myself in the bathroom. Couldn't go in bedroom because my sister was in there which limited options to crying in bathroom or not crying and if my mum shouts at me for crying in bathroom I guess that means I should have chosen option of not crying. Which makes me weak and pathetic because I couldn't stop myself.

    I have to wear stupid clothes because my swimsuit is too low-cut to hide all my scars and my sister is always in our bedroom and that makes it such an effort to even get dressed cos she might walk in or she's already there but can't be in bathroom more than 2 minutes without people getting angry. Is blatantly obvious that I'm wasting space and dragging them down and it's so so selfish for me to live anymore. Why do I be so selfish like this?

    I screamed in my sleep and they keep asking me what my dream was. I can't talk about that can I. Cos then they would hate me even more. But I'm already the one filling space I don't deserve. Waking my sister up. Making my mum check cos she heard scream. 'I need my own space' I could say but I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything. I want to stop. God I'm sorry for posting again I don't know what to do.

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    :hugs: I think you've got basically the same problem as Sultana. You are both awesome, fail to realise that, and are surrounded by unappreciative people. You're allowed to be a bit ****ed up. You're allowed to need people's help. And we'll be here for you whenever you need us.
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    :hugs: Can you talk to your girlfriend about how you're feeling, rather than getting into a fight with her? And relapsing is never good, so you could do with your girlfriend's support.
    She knows my mood I think. We've been using the required codewords and stuff and I've been awful with any kind of affection so she knows I'm in a funk. She just doesn't know how far it's gone and if I tell her she'll confiscate and dispose of everything. I don't think I want to be stopped and I'm safe for tonight. I think uni tomorrow will be the big test.

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    (Original post by ParadoxSocks)
    She knows my mood I think. We've been using the required codewords and stuff and I've been awful with any kind of affection so she knows I'm in a funk. She just doesn't know how far it's gone and if I tell her she'll confiscate and dispose of everything. I don't think I want to be stopped and I'm safe for tonight. I think uni tomorrow will be the big test.

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    It's your decision what you want to tell her, but I hope you'll be ok tomorrow. :console:
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    Why is everything I do wrong? I'm actually the worst friend in the world.
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    I wouldn't call it a last chance - people go back and study at college/uni when they're ancient! You could maybe email the unis but without enclosing the letters, just saying briefly that you believe you have mitigating circumstances and that you've gone down the official path to let them know, but your college is being unhelpful so you'd appreciate it if they'd check their records for you. I'll help you write it if you like - it's generally much easier writing these things for other people rather than yourself. PM me if you'd like some help but don't want to say details on the thread.
    For me it's a last chance grades wise to get in to where I want to go. I don't know if I have confused myself but the universities won't know if the exam boards have received my mitigating circumstances stuff or not. Maybe I read it wrong. Thanks, I might take you up on that in the next few days. Definitely agree writing for someone else is easier than writing for yourself.... weird but true.
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    It's your decision what you want to tell her, but I hope you'll be ok tomorrow. :console:
    I'll try to leave my things here at least. That should slow me down. I just need to relax so I'll maybe do a bit of yoga today and tomorrow morning and hope that powers me through.

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    (Original post by 08batee)
    Why is everything I do wrong? I'm actually the worst friend in the world.
    Perspective and bias. I am sure if you ask others they would disagree with your view.
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    (Original post by ANONYM00SE)
    He says he's fine with it but I don't feel comfortable constantly bombarding him with my ****. I feel like he should have a break from it if that makes sense... I dunno I probably don't make sense :/
    Makes perfect sense, I just wanted to point out some things you should share because he might actually like being able to help you. The difficult part will be to decide what to burden him with and what not.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Perspective and bias. I am sure if you ask others they would disagree with your view.
    I disagree. One of my friends who was horrible to me a couple of days ago really needed me today and I ignored her message. I'm just as horrible as they are.
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    (Original post by 08batee)
    Why is everything I do wrong? I'm actually the worst friend in the world.
    I feel the same on many occasions.
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    And the point I'm making is that, although awesome, you are also a total dumbass. I don't think you're awesome because you happen to like some of the same stuff as me (although that gains you extra bonus points), I think you're awesome because you're a strong, funny and intelligent person who I wish I knew in real life. And I'm not under any illusions about the people who post on here - I just know how to see their good side, because all of us in here have one, just mental illness tends to make us forget that. And I challenge you to find any other corner of TSR/the whole damn internet that contains such a great collection of supportive, generous and all-round fabulous people. I know mental illness can bring out the worst in people, but I've also seen that it can make you a kinder, more sympathetic and generous person, and in fact bring out the best in you too when you get together to support other people. I think I'm a much nicer person for having had depression. Doubt I'd have actually chosen the trade-off, but it happened and here I am.

    Really and seriously, you need to stop hating yourself. You are a good person. You've been given a pretty ****ty deal in terms of life events, but I do believe you're strong enough to prevail eventually. You're not destroying anybody's life, you're a positive influence in the lives of many, and if you could accept that I think it would help you in your recovery which is totally going to happen.

    And I know exactly how you feel in terms of being a waste of space, cos I've been there too. However looking back, I know that I wasn't contributing much to society during that time of space wastage, but overall in my life I've been at least moderately awesome. I put it to you that the sum total of you is and will be awesome too. Especially when you take into account the many awesomenesses of Sultana's Life Yet to Come.
    Oh, I was really only talking about me - everyone else absolutely are fabulous.

    I don't really have anything to say that doesn't feel like I'm just completely discounting everything you've said and being all unappreciative and rude. So just gonna say thanks cos you're always dead lovely to me and patient and kind and I do appreciate you virtually always taking time to reply to my rubbish (even if you're totally misguided ) Gonna stop being sappy now
    Also, you should have your camping trip in Dorset cos that's where my grandparents live and I would totally pop down for an afternoon so then you could meet me in real life! (and be hugely disappointed aha :emo:)

    (Original post by asdfgah)
    Everyone would be so much better if I didn't be. Why am I too **** to do what I need to? Having 'hope' for my future is ridiculous, unachievable and ****ing selfish. Why can't I do what is best for everyone, and why do people's wrong emotions on the subject keep clouding my judgment? It's ridiculous. I'm ridiculous. If I had half an ounce of self restraint and selflessness left in me then I could say that this is my last post, but I know that I'm normally weak and irrational so I don't think I can say that.

    My heart hurts.

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    :hugs: I don't really have anything to say that doesn't sound hugely hypocritical even to me, but once my brothers gone to bed (around 10ish) I'll probably be on skype if you wanna chat.
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    Can't take "life" anymore.
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    (Original post by 08batee)
    I disagree. One of my friends who was horrible to me a couple of days ago really needed me today and I ignored her message. I'm just as horrible as they are.
    Dont blame yourself hun. Its not your fault at all hun. Trust me hun your not horrible


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    I have literally noone in my life. Everyone who I tried to turn to left and they all said the same thing. "I don't know how to help you and I'm not the onw to be there for you"
    So who is. Not a single friend. Spend all day everyday alone. I'm just in so much pain everyday.
 
 
 
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