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    (Original post by Sultana)
    I'm quite literally never ever busy (i dont even have medical appointments anymore to pretend im busy with :emo:) so anytime that's good for you
    I'm free now if you like. How comes you don't have any appointments any more?
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    (Original post by danny111)
    PM me if you want to rant
    Thank you


    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    **** **** **** **** ****

    my mum opened a letter while i was away (which i asked her too) from the counselling people, i deffinately didnt realise how much ****ing detail theyd write in the letter :cry2: im deffinately not cool with this
    :hugs:

    (Original post by superwolf)
    I'm free now if you like. How comes you don't have any appointments any more?
    Cos I'm terrible.

    Now's good
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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    **** **** **** **** ****

    my mum opened a letter while i was away (which i asked her too) from the counselling people, i deffinately didnt realise how much ****ing detail theyd write in the letter :cry2: im deffinately not cool with this
    Aww

    I don't think she'll think any less of you for anything that might be written in it will she?
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    Still feel horrible. Added to the fact my parents have returned to pestering me to get another job since 12 hours at minimum wage isn't really going to let me save up if enough if student finance don't pay for me when I go back. Managed to apply for 3 including one which I REALLY really want. I'm really hoping that I get it or at least get to the interview. I know there are people that are more qualified but it sounds great. So my mood went up a bit when I was reading about it and going through my CV etc and then once I applied and the 'you aren't going to get it' thoughts came I was straight back to where I've been the past few days.
    Can't focus on anything, gave up reading a book and just zoning out generally. Sleep is messed up again so I am a bit tired but I didn't get up until 2. Have to be at work by 10 tomorrow morning and I've been sleeping though my alarms
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    (Original post by Sultana)
    :hugs:
    thankyou, shes not said anything, but she DEFFINATELY knows

    (Original post by james1211)
    Aww

    I don't think she'll think any less of you for anything that might be written in it will she?
    im sure it has, shell be more worried now, as if said stuff about SH in the letter
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    (Original post by VaVe)
    Still feel horrible. Added to the fact my parents have returned to pestering me to get another job since 12 hours at minimum wage isn't really going to let me save up if enough if student finance don't pay for me when I go back. Managed to apply for 3 including one which I REALLY really want. I'm really hoping that I get it or at least get to the interview. I know there are people that are more qualified but it sounds great. So my mood went up a bit when I was reading about it and going through my CV etc and then once I applied and the 'you aren't going to get it' thoughts came I was straight back to where I've been the past few days.
    Can't focus on anything, gave up reading a book and just zoning out generally. Sleep is messed up again so I am a bit tired but I didn't get up until 2. Have to be at work by 10 tomorrow morning and I've been sleeping though my alarms
    Hey, don't get yourself down about that. I was convinced i wasn't going to get even so much as an interview but i did, went to it and despite not being entirely the best qualified i was able to show myself as someone really willing to learn and came off well in the interview and got it on the strength of that. I spend too long worrying about it beforehand when i shouldn't have and neither should you - i'm sure if you really show you want it and can bring what they want to the table they'll give you a chance
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    Spending the next two weeks with, well, I may as well call him my boyfriend. It's really nice apart from me crying every night. I'm close to tears most nights but somebody being here who I feel so comforted by makes me let it out. It's really awkward him having to put up with me crying every night and I feel really bad for him. We're at mine now but soon we'll be spending a week at his and I really don't want to cry around his mum!!

    Starting to get some stuff to do with uni and therapy sorted. I have to talk more to my family about things but I really don't want to cos it's so embarrassing!


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    (Original post by Sultana)
    Cos I'm terrible.

    Now's good
    Why are you terrible?

    (Original post by VaVe)
    Still feel horrible. Added to the fact my parents have returned to pestering me to get another job since 12 hours at minimum wage isn't really going to let me save up if enough if student finance don't pay for me when I go back. Managed to apply for 3 including one which I REALLY really want. I'm really hoping that I get it or at least get to the interview. I know there are people that are more qualified but it sounds great. So my mood went up a bit when I was reading about it and going through my CV etc and then once I applied and the 'you aren't going to get it' thoughts came I was straight back to where I've been the past few days.
    Can't focus on anything, gave up reading a book and just zoning out generally. Sleep is messed up again so I am a bit tired but I didn't get up until 2. Have to be at work by 10 tomorrow morning and I've been sleeping though my alarms
    Good luck with the job.
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    (Original post by james1211)
    Hey, don't get yourself down about that. I was convinced i wasn't going to get even so much as an interview but i did, went to it and despite not being entirely the best qualified i was able to show myself as someone really willing to learn and came off well in the interview and got it on the strength of that. I spend too long worrying about it beforehand when i shouldn't have and neither should you - i'm sure if you really show you want it and can bring what they want to the table they'll give you a chance

    (Original post by superwolf)
    Good luck with the job.
    Thank you both I think if I get an interview I have a chance but I haven't had one yet.
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    Hello everyone.

    Does anyone else have a feeling that they should get help, but yet are too scared of talking to anyone and being judged that you never do it?

    I'm sick of this now, but I don't know what to do.
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    Aquarium dates are AWESOME. Just saying...
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    (Original post by englishassassin)
    Hello everyone.

    Does anyone else have a feeling that they should get help, but yet are too scared of talking to anyone and being judged that you never do it?

    I'm sick of this now, but I don't know what to do.
    Anyone who judges you for reaching out for help is a moron. A complete moron. Think of it like this; do you want your current situation to continue? I'm guessing no. So get the help and get better. Do you really want some moron's opinion of you to force you to continue the way you are?
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    Just been swimming. I hate when I have to walk out from the changing room to the pool, everyone's staring at how fat and wobbly I am. Trying to teach myself front crawl and swimming breast stroke with going underwater...not having much luck I just end up swallowing loads of water then coughing and snorting out water for several minutes. However I did enjoy doing exercise and I'm glad I went.


    triggering probably
    Keep thinking "last time you'll get this bus", "last time you'll go swimming", "last time you'll eat this", probably not good
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    (Original post by Deyesy)
    Aquarium dates are AWESOME. Just saying...
    Totally second this.

    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Just been swimming. I hate when I have to walk out from the changing room to the pool, everyone's staring at how fat and wobbly I am. Trying to teach myself front crawl and swimming breast stroke with going underwater...not having much luck I just end up swallowing loads of water then coughing and snorting out water for several minutes. However I did enjoy doing exercise and I'm glad I went.


    triggering probably
    Keep thinking "last time you'll get this bus", "last time you'll go swimming", "last time you'll eat this", probably not good
    Been thinking about trying to go swimming a lot recently as I really enjoy it but so far have not been able to overcome these kinds of thoughts or concerns about scars, so big well done on actually going Really good you're trying to learn something new as well, are you trying to teach yourself or having lessons? I'm sure you'll get there .
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    Is this because of the concerns you posted about hospitals, or worse? Either way I think Superwolfs advise of just being cooperative and honest is pretty good and I wish you the best :hugs:


    (Original post by Kindred)
    Spending the next two weeks with, well, I may as well call him my boyfriend. It's really nice apart from me crying every night. I'm close to tears most nights but somebody being here who I feel so comforted by makes me let it out. It's really awkward him having to put up with me crying every night and I feel really bad for him. We're at mine now but soon we'll be spending a week at his and I really don't want to cry around his mum!!

    Starting to get some stuff to do with uni and therapy sorted. I have to talk more to my family about things but I really don't want to cos it's so embarrassing!


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    Sent you a PM but I forgot to put in :hugs:
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    (Original post by octoberbaby)
    Been thinking about trying to go swimming a lot recently as I really enjoy it but so far have not been able to overcome these kinds of thoughts or concerns about scars, so big well done on actually going Really good you're trying to learn something new as well, are you trying to teach yourself or having lessons? I'm sure you'll get there .
    Spoiler:
    Show
    Is this because of the concerns you posted about hospitals, or worse? Either way I think Superwolfs advise of just being cooperative and honest is pretty good and I wish you the best :hugs:
    Yeah I have a fair few scars myself which worried me to start with then I thought they're pretty white, it's sunny, so I doubt anyone will see them - slightly easier to hide than being fat anyway Unless they're new and still red or somethnig I think you'd probably be alright. If they're on your thighs you could wear swim shorts maybe?

    I'm trying to teach myself. I had lessons when I was a kid but never got the hang of it then.
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    only been in the house 4 house and already done stuff wrong

    so wish y mum didnt work nights so my step dad wouldnt get so arsey at me
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    Yeah I have a fair few scars myself which worried me to start with then I thought they're pretty white, it's sunny, so I doubt anyone will see them - slightly easier to hide than being fat anyway Unless they're new and still red or somethnig I think you'd probably be alright. If they're on your thighs you could wear swim shorts maybe?

    I'm trying to teach myself. I had lessons when I was a kid but never got the hang of it then.
    Mmm not white yet, so I don't think I'll be risking it any time soon. Maybe one day.
    Ahh, I could imagine teaching yourself would be quite hard because you can't really see what you're doing. Have you thought about lessons or even getting a friend or someone who is confident swimming to come with you?
    I think with swimming it will suddenly click and then you'll be like oh, so this is what I'm doing, so if you feel like you aren't getting anywhere, don't worry
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    Gosh I really do hate myself.
    I just want this to be over. I'm not brave enough to face it, and running away doesn't work.
    im so weak. wow.
    I wish I could think properly. No focus and sad brain and anxious thoughts all wrap up into this impenetrable smog and I just can't concentrate to follow thoughts through or find the words to articulate myself.
    My care coordinator said to me once she thought I was very brave and displayed a surprising lack of avoidance. really I've just done the worst type of avoidance possible. tell people the bare minimum so get given chances to recover but then refuse to actually use the chances by attending appointments and spending the whole time mute. am so selfish.
    I dont understand where I got so cowardly.
    I'm such a disappointment. let people down time and time again. all i want is the chance to do this one thing before but i dont think i can even do that. and the whole plan is so bad anyway, it does feel like im just giving up. but im not really because i have tried, ive tried very hard, but im not good enough. i dont know how you can live when you have no chances of recovery. the only way how ive been getting up and trying to pretend the bad things arent that bad is because i know i have an end point. so i really cant do it without that. i feel like i have more energy so i cant stay safe just through apathy and inability to leave bed.
    i want to be brave and strong but im not. its taking a lot of effort to be alive now so its not really that weak. I know how shriveled up and horrible I am and once people spend too long around me they start to realise it as well so its not just me being skewed.
    i dont know. i sort of wish i could still be stronger. I feel like planning for so long to do something bad is kind of giving up and weak and terrible. but it is the only solution so i think i am doing the right thing, just is hard to think that way cos of how society tells you otherwise. its the right thing for me. im not sure that accepting a fact is the same thing as giving in. and besides admitting defeat is not bad thing. its better to do that than just prolong a bloody war.
    im sorry i dont know what im wandering on about. is really not fair that decision making is so hard when you're ill.
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    (Original post by Sultana)
    Gosh I really do hate myself.
    I just want this to be over. I'm not brave enough to face it, and running away doesn't work.
    im so weak. wow.
    I wish I could think properly. No focus and sad brain and anxious thoughts all wrap up into this impenetrable smog and I just can't concentrate to follow thoughts through or find the words to articulate myself.
    My care coordinator said to me once she thought I was very brave and displayed a surprising lack of avoidance. really I've just done the worst type of avoidance possible. tell people the bare minimum so get given chances to recover but then refuse to actually use the chances by attending appointments and spending the whole time mute. am so selfish.
    I dont understand where I got so cowardly.
    I'm such a disappointment. let people down time and time again. all i want is the chance to do this one thing before but i dont think i can even do that. and the whole plan is so bad anyway, it does feel like im just giving up. but im not really because i have tried, ive tried very hard, but im not good enough. i dont know how you can live when you have no chances of recovery. the only way how ive been getting up and trying to pretend the bad things arent that bad is because i know i have an end point. so i really cant do it without that. i feel like i have more energy so i cant stay safe just through apathy and inability to leave bed.
    i want to be brave and strong but im not. its taking a lot of effort to be alive now so its not really that weak. I know how shriveled up and horrible I am and once people spend too long around me they start to realise it as well so its not just me being skewed.
    i dont know. i sort of wish i could still be stronger. I feel like planning for so long to do something bad is kind of giving up and weak and terrible. but it is the only solution so i think i am doing the right thing, just is hard to think that way cos of how society tells you otherwise. its the right thing for me. im not sure that accepting a fact is the same thing as giving in. and besides admitting defeat is not bad thing. its better to do that than just prolong a bloody war.
    im sorry i dont know what im wandering on about. is really not fair that decision making is so hard when you're ill.
    Hey, if you have tried then no one can ask more. At the moment I have given up for the time, haven't really tried. And that makes me feel even worse. So personally I think you deserve respect.
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    Tonight (/last night) was better- haven't cried. and we agreed that we could spend days at his and come back to sleep around mine so it's not so awkward if I'm having a hard time.


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