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    I can't do this anymore.


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    gahhh the world of cats is teasing me

    i SO want a cat, would help me out so much.

    spent a month at my boyfriends with his cat, and i miss her so much.
    come home, to find with have a ferrel cat in our garden and 2 kittens but were not allowed to feed them or go near them i could SO adopt them.
    also a family friend has gone away for a few days and she has a cat, so im cat sitting for her.

    WHY DONT I HAVE A CAT!?!?!

    gahhhh
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    (Original post by danny111)
    How is it going then?
    Not great but I've been doing to avoid having time to thing. Been to the gym twice since friday and went out drinking last night.
    • #18
    #18

    (Original post by VaVe)
    Not great but I've been doing to avoid having time to thing. Been to the gym twice since friday and went out drinking last night.
    Sounds like you are enjoying yourself? I would see that as a plus.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Sounds like you are enjoying yourself? I would see that as a plus.
    Not sure really, it's more like going through the motions and not giving myself time to think. I know that I should enjoy the stuff I'm doing but I'm not feeling it.
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    (Original post by 05autyt)
    I can't do this anymore


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Don't do anything rash, stay here and talk to us.
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    massive rant...

    Spoiler:
    Show

    my step dad is so ****ing annoying. he mentioned yesterday that the house needs tidying. so me and my mum went to bed. today, he said i, me, poncho needs to tidy it because HIS friends were coming round. bearing in mind iv been home since thursday night, hardly any of it is mine, and infact its all HIS.
    so iv just worked out what iv done today:
    cleaned the living room
    showered
    tidied my shelves
    gone and fed a neighbours cat
    done the dishwasher (empty and filled)
    swept the floor and cleaned the wall where the dryer was (it broke so have a new one)
    put the bin out

    iv also cooked 2 nights in a row for everyone, and meant to cook tonight FOR HIM

    yet he says i do **** all around the house. i also need to do my clothes washing.

    this week my plans are to go see my sister on tuesday, go clean my neighbours house, feed her cat, wait in THIS house for cats protection to come try and get the ferral cats, clean this house, do my washing, eat, spend time with my mum, and try and sort my room out.

    but he sees me doing nothing. all he sees me do is eat, so he constantly has a go at me. i hate it i really do, he makes me want to hide in my room all the time, my mum knows how much he gets to me, but she cant do much about it.
    he has no clue whats going on in my life, and he doesnt care. he just wants to kick me out as soon as possible

    urgh i really do hate him sometimes
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    (Original post by VaVe)
    Not sure really, it's more like going through the motions and not giving myself time to think. I know that I should enjoy the stuff I'm doing but I'm not feeling it.
    I see what you mean. You are still doing them though, which is a plus. You could have completely stopped?
    • #34
    #34

    So I was contemplating joining a support group in my area- but I can't go.
    My parents will never accept that there's anything wrong with me until I actually die or something bad happens. Or, they take the piss.
    Which I kind of find really disturbing, like they laugh at all the things I did, and blame it all on my stupidity. E.g. hahha I remember when you tried to kills yourself then got scared.
    And that **** just depresses me more. I remember telling my "friend" what happened and she basically didn't care- which hurts most really. The backlash from my attempt was ridiculous, and they were absolute *******s. I don't care they were. And not even in the caring sense- in the Lol sense and the "you're going to hell sense."
    My mum even told her ****ty priest that I tried to top myself and erh - he came and prayed for me and said stuff like "you'll be healed" "you won't do that again" and **** like that. It was really confusing- and then mmy parents behaviour really confused me because while they did the whole lol & you're going to hell shiz, they asked why I did it. Seeming like they cared- and then I said- I don't know, I've just felt low for a long time- and I think all the **** that has happened to me in my life- from my dad's alcoholism to being bullied to having no friends, to being disliked by my siblings to failing exams to being groomed on the internet as a child- everything just added up- you know what they said "that's so stupid, you're talking rubbish now" like wtf? what's the reason then- ah, they said "attention seeking behaviour" wow. thanks guys- you didn't even know I was self harming until you accidently saw it- how the **** was I attention seeking when I tried to OD? how was I attention seeking through self harm- how? I wasn't. I feel really guilty though, my younger sibling was around when my mum had to rush me to hospital (and he was scared and I just felt so guilty- he started to cry- so I said nothing is wrong, I'm fine, I'm happy, and if you want to talk to anyone- talk to me I'll always be here)
    The scenes before she took me to hospital were bad- she called her cousins etc, she slapped me, she told me to get out the house- she just did horrible stuff.
    I don't know, people don't understand why I'm so messed up, but If you grew up as me, like I did, then you would be too. I mean, she said "you're weak" etc, I thought you were better than this. **** you man. Anyway, this happened a few months ago. And In a couple of days I'm going to find out my exam results- and I just know I'm not going to be happy- and I know that I won't know what to do. That's all for now.
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    Rant sorry

    My boyfriend is making me feel so alone and unloved. All he does is watch Youtube and play computer games. I even had to tell him to comfort the baby when he was crying and I was half asleep from being up all night feeding. His answer was "just let me get to the check point." And Scott was crying so much I had to comfort him even though I wanted to sleep so badly. It's as though he cares more about staring at ****ing screens and entertaining himself than looking after his son. I'm exhausted. I hate how he prioritises everything. He is supposed to be on paternity leave to look after me and the baby but instead he is using it as a ****ing holiday to do what he wants. Today I did all the ironing, the washing up, sorted out more paperwork, cleaned the cat litter, made dinner, did 4 loads of washing and bathed the baby, all in between feeding him. Today my boyfriend went to the shops to buy chilli con carne and layer on the sofa playing computer games. Right now in lying in bed crying while he watches youtube videos with his headphones on and I'm too scared to talk to him about it because he will just get annoyed at me crying. I feel like a nagging girlfriend, like I'm not being fair on him because he wants to make the most of his time off work. Like everything has gone back to how it was when my depression was at its worst and he didn't understand. Except now there is a baby and I'm up 4 times a night to feed him as well. I just want my boyfriend to stop staring at his tablet or computer all the time and show me love and attention and be here for me. Instead I get ****ing top ten countdowns of the best video game boobs or whatever **** he would rather watch than talk to me. I try to talk to him but he just gives one word answers like "ok" and "right" while he continues to stare at the screen as if I'm just a gnat buzzing in his ear. I feel like I'm the bad guy, like I'm an annoying nagging girlfriend that won't get off his case. I just want him to show he cares.
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    (Original post by HmMusic)
    Rant sorry

    My boyfriend is making me feel so alone and unloved. All he does is watch Youtube and play computer games. I even had to tell him to comfort the baby when he was crying and I was half asleep from being up all night feeding. His answer was "just let me get to the check point." And Scott was crying so much I had to comfort him even though I wanted to sleep so badly. It's as though he cares more about staring at ****ing screens and entertaining himself than looking after his son. I'm exhausted. I hate how he prioritises everything. He is supposed to be on paternity leave to look after me and the baby but instead he is using it as a ****ing holiday to do what he wants. Today I did all the ironing, the washing up, sorted out more paperwork, cleaned the cat litter, made dinner, did 4 loads of washing and bathed the baby, all in between feeding him. Today my boyfriend went to the shops to buy chilli con carne and layer on the sofa playing computer games. Right now in lying in bed crying while he watches youtube videos with his headphones on and I'm too scared to talk to him about it because he will just get annoyed at me crying. I feel like a nagging girlfriend, like I'm not being fair on him because he wants to make the most of his time off work. Like everything has gone back to how it was when my depression was at its worst and he didn't understand. Except now there is a baby and I'm up 4 times a night to feed him as well. I just want my boyfriend to stop staring at his tablet or computer all the time and show me love and attention and be here for me. Instead I get ****ing top ten countdowns of the best video game boobs or whatever **** he would rather watch than talk to me. I try to talk to him but he just gives one word answers like "ok" and "right" while he continues to stare at the screen as if I'm just a gnat buzzing in his ear. I feel like I'm the bad guy, like I'm an annoying nagging girlfriend that won't get off his case. I just want him to show he cares.
    Aw that sucks! I'm sure he does care but got a bit "comfortable".
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So I was contemplating joining a support group in my area- but I can't go.
    My parents will never accept that there's anything wrong with me until I actually die or something bad happens. Or, they take the piss.
    Which I kind of find really disturbing, like they laugh at all the things I did, and blame it all on my stupidity. E.g. hahha I remember when you tried to kills yourself then got scared.
    And that **** just depresses me more. I remember telling my "friend" what happened and she basically didn't care- which hurts most really. The backlash from my attempt was ridiculous, and they were absolute *******s. I don't care they were. And not even in the caring sense- in the Lol sense and the "you're going to hell sense."
    My mum even told her ****ty priest that I tried to top myself and erh - he came and prayed for me and said stuff like "you'll be healed" "you won't do that again" and **** like that. It was really confusing- and then mmy parents behaviour really confused me because while they did the whole lol & you're going to hell shiz, they asked why I did it. Seeming like they cared- and then I said- I don't know, I've just felt low for a long time- and I think all the **** that has happened to me in my life- from my dad's alcoholism to being bullied to having no friends, to being disliked by my siblings to failing exams to being groomed on the internet as a child- everything just added up- you know what they said "that's so stupid, you're talking rubbish now" like wtf? what's the reason then- ah, they said "attention seeking behaviour" wow. thanks guys- you didn't even know I was self harming until you accidently saw it- how the **** was I attention seeking when I tried to OD? how was I attention seeking through self harm- how? I wasn't. I feel really guilty though, my younger sibling was around when my mum had to rush me to hospital (and he was scared and I just felt so guilty- he started to cry- so I said nothing is wrong, I'm fine, I'm happy, and if you want to talk to anyone- talk to me I'll always be here)
    The scenes before she took me to hospital were bad- she called her cousins etc, she slapped me, she told me to get out the house- she just did horrible stuff.
    I don't know, people don't understand why I'm so messed up, but If you grew up as me, like I did, then you would be too. I mean, she said "you're weak" etc, I thought you were better than this. **** you man. Anyway, this happened a few months ago. And In a couple of days I'm going to find out my exam results- and I just know I'm not going to be happy- and I know that I won't know what to do. That's all for now.
    Do they have to know that you are going?
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    (Original post by HmMusic)
    Rant sorry

    My boyfriend is making me feel so alone and unloved. All he does is watch Youtube and play computer games. I even had to tell him to comfort the baby when he was crying and I was half asleep from being up all night feeding. His answer was "just let me get to the check point." And Scott was crying so much I had to comfort him even though I wanted to sleep so badly. It's as though he cares more about staring at ****ing screens and entertaining himself than looking after his son. I'm exhausted. I hate how he prioritises everything. He is supposed to be on paternity leave to look after me and the baby but instead he is using it as a ****ing holiday to do what he wants. Today I did all the ironing, the washing up, sorted out more paperwork, cleaned the cat litter, made dinner, did 4 loads of washing and bathed the baby, all in between feeding him. Today my boyfriend went to the shops to buy chilli con carne and layer on the sofa playing computer games. Right now in lying in bed crying while he watches youtube videos with his headphones on and I'm too scared to talk to him about it because he will just get annoyed at me crying. I feel like a nagging girlfriend, like I'm not being fair on him because he wants to make the most of his time off work. Like everything has gone back to how it was when my depression was at its worst and he didn't understand. Except now there is a baby and I'm up 4 times a night to feed him as well. I just want my boyfriend to stop staring at his tablet or computer all the time and show me love and attention and be here for me. Instead I get ****ing top ten countdowns of the best video game boobs or whatever **** he would rather watch than talk to me. I try to talk to him but he just gives one word answers like "ok" and "right" while he continues to stare at the screen as if I'm just a gnat buzzing in his ear. I feel like I'm the bad guy, like I'm an annoying nagging girlfriend that won't get off his case. I just want him to show he cares.
    im **** at advice tonight im afraid, so

    :penguinhug:

    prehaps try and have a day to yourself if you can soon, just to pamper yourself...?
    • #1
    #1

    (Original post by HmMusic)
    Rant sorry

    My boyfriend is making me feel so alone and unloved. All he does is watch Youtube and play computer games. I even had to tell him to comfort the baby when he was crying and I was half asleep from being up all night feeding. His answer was "just let me get to the check point." And Scott was crying so much I had to comfort him even though I wanted to sleep so badly. It's as though he cares more about staring at ****ing screens and entertaining himself than looking after his son. I'm exhausted. I hate how he prioritises everything. He is supposed to be on paternity leave to look after me and the baby but instead he is using it as a ****ing holiday to do what he wants. Today I did all the ironing, the washing up, sorted out more paperwork, cleaned the cat litter, made dinner, did 4 loads of washing and bathed the baby, all in between feeding him. Today my boyfriend went to the shops to buy chilli con carne and layer on the sofa playing computer games. Right now in lying in bed crying while he watches youtube videos with his headphones on and I'm too scared to talk to him about it because he will just get annoyed at me crying. I feel like a nagging girlfriend, like I'm not being fair on him because he wants to make the most of his time off work. Like everything has gone back to how it was when my depression was at its worst and he didn't understand. Except now there is a baby and I'm up 4 times a night to feed him as well. I just want my boyfriend to stop staring at his tablet or computer all the time and show me love and attention and be here for me. Instead I get ****ing top ten countdowns of the best video game boobs or whatever **** he would rather watch than talk to me. I try to talk to him but he just gives one word answers like "ok" and "right" while he continues to stare at the screen as if I'm just a gnat buzzing in his ear. I feel like I'm the bad guy, like I'm an annoying nagging girlfriend that won't get off his case. I just want him to show he cares.
    :jumphug:

    Firstly, you have nothing to apologise for with ranting... I really think you need to to talk to him about this. Being a new mum is going to be hard enough, and your depression/anxiety is going to be making it even harder. His paternity leave, like you say, is not a holiday - "paternity" - the clue is in the name! You are not the bad guy, and you are not an annoying girlfriend. You are a protective mother who wants the best for her son - ultimately, if you're happy and well-rested and have all the support you need in being a mum and running your home, all the better for Scott and you, yeah?

    You definitely need a break and some time to yourself, and you shouldn't be dealing with everything by yourself, nor should you feel bad about any of this - it's not your fault at all, and you're not at all unreasonable for wanting him to show that he cares - it's all anyone wants really. Maybe write down how you're feeling and show it to your boyfriend, that might be easier than talking to him? As another poster said as well, try and take some time out for yourself, maybe leave Scott with a grandparent for a couple of hours so you can sleep/see a friend for coffee or whatever? Scott is definitely a lucky little boy to have you as his mum! Hope he's doing well.

    I'm always here if you want someone to rant to hun, although I know it's difficult when your phone's broken (I miss our texts!). By the way, when I'm on Skype listed as "away," I am there, I just tend not to list myself as being online, so feel free to chat away if you see me.

    :jumphug: :jumphug:
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    Hi guys,

    Really hope everyone is doing okay. I haven't been on in a long time because I've been trying to avoid the internet a bit, it's pretty triggering for me right now.

    (Original post by 05autyt)
    I can't do this anymore.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    I really hope you feel better soon. Stay safe.


    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So I was contemplating joining a support group in my area- but I can't go.
    Try your hardest to go. I mean it. It sounds like you're having a really tough time right now, and that it's going to be difficult to manage to get yourself to it, but for me that confirms the idea that you should go. I avoided getting any support for years for similar reasons and I really wish now that I'd pushed myself to go.

    I won't say don't worry about exam results because I know how stressful and worrying it can be, but maybe try to find something to distract you just a little bit? Maybe watching a film / watching TV / playing a video game? I always find that those kind of things help a little bit when I'm intensely stressed, they might work for you too so it's worth a try. Good luck for your results :hugs:

    I really hope things improve soon.


    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    massive rant...
    [/spoiler]
    That sounds horrible! :hugs: Is there a friend or someone that you could stay with for a day or two, just to give you a bit of space and take some of the stress off? Really hope things get better for you.


    (Original post by HmMusic)
    Rant sorry

    My boyfriend is making me feel so alone and unloved.
    I'm so sorry that things are so horrid for you right now. :hugs: I really hope things start to look up soon. I second Anon, maybe writing things down would be an easier way for you to express how you're feeling? Maybe try to schedule a night in for the two of you, where he has to put down his tablet and actually spend some time with you? You could rent out a film and sit together and spend some quality time together and just relax or something - it seems like you really need it! Don't be so hard on yourself, I know I'm not alone when I say I've got massive respect and admiration for you. You're definitely not the bad guy in this. :hugs:


    --------
    Bit of a ramble incoming, sorry.

    Some people might know about my struggles with Mirtazapine. I tapered off it and stopped it altogether about 6-8 weeks ago. I really couldn't take it anymore. I won't put exactly how much weight I lost in that time to avoid triggering people, but suffice to say it's considerable enough to show that Mirt was definitely to blame. I only realised how much it was making me eat once I stopped taking it. My skin looks much better now too, and for the first few weeks things were going swimmingly and I thought I was just better off without it.

    But in the last week or so my OCD has started getting really bad again and it's really scaring me. Also I'm starting to feel like some of my thoughts aren't my own and that they're being put into my head. Sometimes I feel like my voices are there at the edge of my thoughts, they're really really quiet to a point of not really being there at all unless I'm about to fall asleep or really stressed, but it feels like they're waiting for an opportunity to blow out of control again and that scares me. I'm starting to worry that people are watching me when I'm in my own home alone.

    I've been trying to find possible solutions. Obviously stopping Mirt could be a problem, but I've been off it for a while with no problem so I don't know how likely it is? Also I had my assessment for psychological therapy last week so I don't know if that's made everything worse - I hadn't been to the CMHT building for a while and it brought back a lot of memories, and I had to talk through my psychosis and compulsions and things which was quite stressful for me. She decided that my crisis team psych was wrong and that I don't have BPD and that it was misdiagnosed, which was a relief, but the whole of the rest of the appointment was quite stressful.

    I'm just really scared and I don't know what to do. I feel like maybe I'm making all of this up and that none of it's real and it's just self inflicted for some reason. My mood has been okay, a bit nothing-y - I don't really seem to feel anything much at the moment, and it's weird and I really don't like it, but it's not as if I'm depressed again. All the stuff I did about relapse prevention is quickly flying out of the window. I'm terrified that I'm going to become really psychotic again and end up in hospital and I do not want to. I'm supposed to be going back to university in September and I need to be well enough, I can't afford to take more time out. I know it sounds stupid but I finally feel sort of comfortable with my weight so the thought of being on something that's going to make me gain makes me really terrified. I don't want to be on antipsychotics again and I'm scared that if I tell my CPN what's been happening she'll make me.

    I'm sorry, this was stupid and rambling but I have nobody to talk to about it and it's really worrying and upsetting me. I can't help thinking it's all because I came off stupid Mirtazapine and this is all my fault. :'(
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    TSR Support Team
    (Original post by Stephanie_12)
    I've had the same concerns on Citalopram I was extremely happy yesterday but then last night I was extremely down. I'm having the same issue I'm not sure what is normal for me or not but I think that apart from that I've been getting on okay on Citalopram, I've noticed this past few days that I'm not as anxious as I normally am. I guess I'll just let the Citalopram get used to being in my system and then see what it is like, if you are concerned maybe talk to your doctor so they can advise you. . Anyway, good luck.
    Yeah I may bring it up whenever I see them next but it's no biggie really. I just wanted to see if my suspicions were valid :P glad somebody else knows what I'm on about and glad it's helping you. I find it a little weird still sometimes but I do think its having some good effect too. I suppose anything is going to be strange so I just remember its better than the alternative.
    My parents think its made me worse because I'm complaining more but they don't realise that I didn't complain before because I was too nervous of talking about it. I was actually far worse, they just didn't know. So I guess I can occasionally get caught up in their attitude and try to find perfection even when I should know I won't get that, definitely not at this stage anyway. It's not a quick fix you just have to keep holding on and hope you make it through.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • #18
    #18

    I have to get up in 4.5 hours why am i still up?
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    (Original post by Kindred)
    Yeah I may bring it up whenever I see them next but it's no biggie really. I just wanted to see if my suspicions were valid :P glad somebody else knows what I'm on about and glad it's helping you. I find it a little weird still sometimes but I do think its having some good effect too. I suppose anything is going to be strange so I just remember its better than the alternative.
    My parents think its made me worse because I'm complaining more but they don't realise that I didn't complain before because I was too nervous of talking about it. I was actually far worse, they just didn't know. So I guess I can occasionally get caught up in their attitude and try to find perfection even when I should know I won't get that, definitely not at this stage anyway. It's not a quick fix you just have to keep holding on and hope you make it through.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Yeah, I have the same problem, before my anxiety and OCD was so bad I wasn't actually able to talk about stuff because if I did then my OCD would flare up really badly but I'm getting better at it and people sometimes think that it's worse when it really isn't. I'm glad you are actually able to talk about things now, and good luck on the Citalopram, I still think it's weird sometimes, I get these moments where I'm completely aware of everything. I've been on it for almost five weeks now though and I've definitely noticed a huge difference in this past few days. I hope it all goes well now (for both of us).
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    Evening all, any insomniacs in the house? :-)

    Haven't been on here for a while! Hope everyone's ok? I'm getting fed up with not sleeping at night, it's driving me up the wall!

    Plus my anxiety us at an all time high with things that have gone on and the ever looming freshers week :-s

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • #18
    #18

    (Original post by kmcgowan13)
    Evening all, any insomniacs in the house? :-)

    Haven't been on here for a while! Hope everyone's ok? I'm getting fed up with not sleeping at night, it's driving me up the wall!

    Plus my anxiety us at an all time high with things that have gone on and the ever looming freshers week :-s

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Yea I should have gone to bed maybe 5 hours ago. So bad.

    What's got you worried about freshers?
 
 
 
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