Both you and your ex could use some professional help! You know you have problems, I can only assume from what you've implied that there are reasons for your problems at least. Knowing you have a problem is the first step to dealing with it, but I would urge you get some help. The relationship, if you can call it that, with you ex wasn't healthy for either of you - something for which you were both at fault! Mixing someone who is commitment phobic with someone who is possessive is a recipe for trouble!
With respect to the abortion, telling him before hand in a calm manner and at a neutral location may well have been better, but rightly or wrongly the decision is yours and your alone. It is understandable that he would be angry and upset...shouting, crying and screaming are all justifiable responses. Breaking into your home and destroying your things are not justifiable actions and are illegal. If you find that he has broken in, then you may have to recourse to the law. In the mean time, changing the locks, installing an alarm if possible/feasible and either staying with a friend or having a friend stay with you for a few days are all good suggestions. Putting 999 on speed dial just in case would also be a smart move.
I truly hope that everything settles down and you both manage to work through your problems (apart would probably be better for both of you!)...we all make mistakes but hopefully we learn from them and move forward.
Turn on thread page Beta
Had an abortion - boyfriend found out! watch
- 02-02-2010 12:32
- 02-02-2010 12:46
At the start of your post I thought you were heartless, and maybe you were a wee bit, but by the end I was just thinking tell the police.
- 02-02-2010 12:47
I completely agree with the people on this thread that are saying that you should have consulted your boyfriend as soon as you found out you were pregnant. It is really irresponsible to just have an abortion straight away, if you can't deal with the consequences of sex like an adult then don't have sex! Especially with someone who it seems you have a very dysfunctional relationship with.
It seems you just pick up and drop your ex when you like and if you know that he feels more for you than you do for him then why continue this relationship when it is only going to end badly.
Personally I think it is your ex that needs help to get away from you as, from what you have said, you treat him really poorly. You use him, string him along when it suits you and now you have aborted his baby without telling him, if I was your ex I would run for the hills...
(Original post by sadie-kiki)
- 02-02-2010 12:47
anyway,this is not the point, the point is that this disgusting girl did it without consulting her boyfriend. If they'd both agreed, then fine, but it is the fact that she did it behind his back that people are taking an issue with. and it is not for you to say that they're 'wrong' by labelling it a baby, when to a lot of people, a life is there from conception.
- 02-02-2010 12:53
If my girl aborted a bunch of useless cells that resulted from me I would be thankful, hell - I'd buy her some champers, the expensive kind, a bottle of Krug maybe.....
With all due respect OP - why date someone like that to begin with?
Oh well, all you can do now is slap a restraining order on him, tis the best way fwd
- 02-02-2010 13:32
I would tell my boyfriend if I got pregnant - I guess because I would need him to help me make the decision.
Then again, my boyfriend isn't a nutter, and he doesn't object to abortion - we've talked it through. I can see how I might be tempted to tell noone and just go through with it by myself as though nothing had happened...
Anyway OP there's not much use in wondering what you should have done. I think it's unfair to comment as people on here don't really know the ins and outs of the situation.
I think you ought to talk it through with him now that he knows. You can't just have it hanging over you both. But if you're concerned that he will freak out and get psycho on you - have someone else present. Did you tell anyone? (You must have for him to have found out) If you told your parents have them present maybe. Maybe have his parents present too. Or just someone. So that you're not alone with him and also because a third party always helps to keep arguing people calm and rational.
- 02-02-2010 13:34
Tell him to **** off. It's not his problem anymore...
- 02-02-2010 13:35
It's a tough lonely choice. Perhaps if you had told him before he would not have reacted like that.
Are you should he would have made you keep it? No-one can make you keep it.
It is done now, stay away from him and keep him away from you.
Having him around will remind you of him and the baby that never was.
- 02-02-2010 13:39
he sounds like a right nutcase..you should've called the police..
but in all fairness, you could've told him you were gonna abort his baby..
- 02-02-2010 13:52
He's being crazy.
But, dude, you aborted his baby and didn't tell him. That's ******* evil.
- 02-02-2010 13:58
He has no say in whether you want to keep or destroy the baby, after all, you'll be the one keeping it for 9 months and giving birth.
- Community Assistant
(Original post by humz2)
- 02-02-2010 14:07
And violent abusive thugs don't usually propose
To be clear, I'm not in favour of people having abortions without telling their boyfriend, but she can't turn back the clock, what's done is done, and she's frightened about what will happen next.
My advice to the OP would be to give your local Women's Aid or similar service a ring, and talk things through with them. They can help you to work out what you need to do to keep yourself safe.
I know lots of posters have commented that they would be deeply upset if their girlfriend terminated their baby without telling them, and I'm not saying they're wrong - they're completely right. But I don't, can't, agree that it's ever OK to break into someone's flat and smash it up, to frighten and threaten someone, whatever they've done.
- 02-02-2010 14:22
Girls always make the mistake of making the decision for themselves and not thinking about the Guy in the equation.
You should have told him...
(Original post by Pink Bullets)
- 02-02-2010 14:30
Yeah, always good to consult a violent abusive thug before you do anything they might take issue with.
How were you expecting him to act when he found out?
- 02-02-2010 15:36
OP, I think it's best the pair of you stay away from each from now on, I mean wtf are you still doing togeather? You state all these issues that you have, yet remain to keep in contact.
Going entirely by what you said on here, I think you were right not to tell him about the abortion.
- 02-02-2010 15:44
The OP sounds so smug with her "cool calm demeanour", "cold and heartless" etc, like she thinks this guy is a little pathetic for "being more attached to her than she to him".
She sounds like she has some kind of narcissism disorder and all I can say is, the guy is well rid of her.
BTW ladies, punching the walls is not being a "violent abusive thug"
- 02-02-2010 15:49
You were in the wrong.
You really should have told him.
Its his right to know IMO.
I don't think anyone with half a brain would blame him for being angry at you.
If you cannot see why you having abortion (so killing his kid) has wound him up so much, then perhaps you shouldn't be having sex.
ps - if he was an "abusive thug" then he would have hit her and not the walls.
- 02-02-2010 15:51
If he comes near you again call the police. Or call the police anyway, he did break into your house.
You did nothing wrong, he sounds like a psycho.
- 02-02-2010 15:56
Call your local police station on their regular number and inform them of what you have told us. Preferably ask for somebody to come round and assess the damage. It's up to you whether legally you want to take this any further (he has illegally entered a property and caused criminal damage), but it's best to inform the police regardless so that they have a record. Report any further harassment to them, and that includes abusive or threatening messages left on your phone/facebook/whatever.
I think it's largely irrelevant at this point, but since other posters have brought it up, you didn't have to tell him that you were pregnant. You and he weren't trying for a baby and you're not in a relationship. You had already made up your mind about the abortion and telling him might have changed things in a way that you'd rather didn't happen, and there was nothing to be gained by him knowing - it's not as if you were cheating him out of something.
(Original post by nolongerhearthemusic)
- 02-02-2010 15:57
You did nothing wrong
Ok, he went a bit nuts and a bit over the top, but still. She should have told him.
(Original post by Sophistress)
I think it's largely irrelevant at this point, but since other posters have brought it up, you didn't have to tell him that you were pregnant.
Both parties were involved in making the baby. So surely both parties should at least have a word in the outcome (even if in the end it is the girls choice).