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am i unreasonable for not giving him sex? Watch

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    (Original post by Final Fantasy)
    Is your boyfriend a Muslim? The whole keeping it secretive from everyone and blanking you out thing...
    Yeah, he is. He never goes into much detail as to why we have to keep it a secret but has mentioned how his family wouldnt be happy with it, and wouldn't want him to have a girlfriend when he's supposed to be focusing on other things (school work). Whenever we are out together its when he has told his parents he's doing something else e.g. staying after college/going to a club etc. However if he HAS to keep the relationship secret then ok, but its actually like we don't even talk AT ALL in college, not even as friends. And this is all because he has relatives in our college who he doesn't trust not to snitch to his parents, despite the fact that i'm pretty sure they would keep the secret and support us (being mates with them myself). So not only is he ashamed to admit i'm his girlfriend, he can't even admit i'm his friend.
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    Well it is Christmas and all...

    You could try a female version of a "**** in a box".
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    (Original post by Doubledog)
    So he blanks you at college because he doesn't want people there to tell his family that he's with you.
    When you're together in the street do you have to walk separately in case someone he knows sees you together?
    If you go somewhere together do you have to scout around to make sure no-one he knows is looking?
    TBH, it sounds like hell even without the emotional blackmail, tantrums and giving bj's when you don't enjoy it.
    Find someone you can walk around with and who isn't worried about being seen with you.
    If we've been out somewhere together before school, he will refuse to walk into school with me and walk behind so it looks as if we haven't been together. Not only is our entire relationship hidden, but our friendship too. If he could acknowledge that we were friends but didnt want to broadcast that we were going out, then fine. But we only ever talk properly in school when none of his relatives are around and the whole thing is just awkward and horrific all the time. I hate having to keep things secret and feel like this. But as stupid as it might sound i am so afraid of letting him go. I know i need to get out and be free but what if i never get over him? I'm so scared. I want to feel wanted and as if i'm special and be with someone who can be proud of being with me, not want to hide it. On the other hand i feel kind of bad because i know his family stuff is more than he can ever describe to anyone and he's under so much pressure. But it pisses me off that he insists upon hiding everything... including our friendship.
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    (Original post by HistoryRepeating)
    This is so wrong and he is so completely out of line its unreal. You shouldnt take him back.

    this is what victims of domestic abuse say when they keep taking their abusive boyfriend back after horrible acts.



    This sounds like he is outrageously using you. This is so so so wrong it makes me angry. STOP BEING A DOORMAT

    OMG this is so wrong. If he loved you he wouldnt say stuff like this. This is so ridiculous are you sure you aren't trolling?

    OMG this is so wrong

    "I'm not ready" is COMPLETELY legitimate. This guy sounds like an utter psycho who doesnt care about you or your feelings. NOONE should pressure you this way.

    You should break up with him. I've never seen a more clear-cut case of someone being used and abused by a really REALLY bad person.

    You have every right to be angry - you should be FURIOUS. This guy sounds like the worst kind of *******




    DO NOT, repeat DO NOT have sex with him. YOU NEED TO BREAK UP WITH HIM. Noone should EVER put that kind of pressure and emotional blackmail on you for ANY reason, let alone to lose your virginity.

    This is so disgusting, I'm feeling physically ill. I really REALLY hope this is a troll.
    Thankyou, thankyou so much for your help. I feel so stupid for going along with him and his games for so long. Please help me, i don't know how to go about this. As stupid as it sounds and in spite of the fact that i feel used, worthless and crap about myself, i'm so afraid of losing him and how i'll get over it and what if i never do? Truth is i want to feel wanted and special as opposed to like some kind of prostitute. I'm so grateful for your help and for pointing out what my family and friends have been trying to tell me for so long. I just feel so weak and as if i can never let him go. I know that as soon as its over i will just think about all the amazing times we've had and all the good things and ugh.. i'll give in to him and take him back again which is what i've done every time despite him hurting me consistently. I feel like i'm stuck and i'm never going to be truly happy with him... but i'm so afraid of leaving and what if i'm even unhappier then? Please tell me thats not the case...
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    (Original post by alibobs)
    *He's an idiot. I know guys when they get really horny can be very persuasive into trying to have sex and even being a little bit sulky if they don't get it but to finish with you over it?! That is blatantly trying to force you into it by threatening you. Believe me, if you give in to him under pressure you will regret it far more than you'll ever regret losing him. I know it sounds a bit patronising, but I don't mean it like that; in a few years, you'll look back at this and think god what a total prick. If you do things you're uncomfortable with just to keep him, you'll end up feeling even more used. He's not worth it, if he really did love you he'd be happy with the blowies and to wait until you are ready, not try dirty tactics to get you to do more.
    More to the point I know guys who even though they're really horny they will still wait and put your interests first. OP, dump him and wait for one of those guys. I don't see this ending well - either you give in and feel like crap or you hold out and you're still made to feel like crap. So walk away.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thankyou, thankyou so much for your help. I feel so stupid for going along with him and his games for so long. Please help me, i don't know how to go about this. As stupid as it sounds and in spite of the fact that i feel used, worthless and crap about myself, i'm so afraid of losing him and how i'll get over it and what if i never do? Truth is i want to feel wanted and special as opposed to like some kind of prostitute. I'm so grateful for your help and for pointing out what my family and friends have been trying to tell me for so long. I just feel so weak and as if i can never let him go. I know that as soon as its over i will just think about all the amazing times we've had and all the good things and ugh.. i'll give in to him and take him back again which is what i've done every time despite him hurting me consistently. I feel like i'm stuck and i'm never going to be truly happy with him... but i'm so afraid of leaving and what if i'm even unhappier then? Please tell me thats not the case...
    Well first of all, -everyone- feels the way you are describing at least once or twice in their life! I certainly have.

    The thing about breakups is that time always heals. You -will- get over it, it might take weeks, even months, but eventually you will. I promise you it will be the right decision, and you should remind yourself every time you are doubting that that -noone- should ever have to put up with the pressure and emotional blackmail, plus public treatment, he was giving you, for ANY reason (it doesnt matter how much he 'needed' it or how his family is or anything!).

    I promise you you dont love him as much as you think you do. Everyone thinks that their love is special, but everyone is capable of loving again (and SO MUCH MORE, if you find someone who actually makes you feel good about yourself).

    The key is to talk to your friends about it, get them to support you. Maybe even your mum if you are close.

    There is some good stuff on this site about it, try here:
    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/wiki...ith_a_Break_up
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    (Original post by I'm_Unsafe.)
    More to the point I know guys who even though they're really horny they will still wait and put your interests first. OP, dump him and wait for one of those guys. I don't see this ending well - either you give in and feel like crap or you hold out and you're still made to feel like crap. So walk away.
    yeah that's what I said......some sulk after but they still wait.
    I agree with you though, walking away is the best thing to do in this situation, it's the only way to be able to keep any respect for yourself.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i know that he loves me a lot and has said he see's me in his future and stuff. I love him too but i just dont feel ready to have sex, and thats something he really doesn't understand.
    he is deffo in the wrong! If he loves you that much, he can and will wait. Tbh, i think it's stupid of you both to argue about sex - especially stupid on his part! I am 24 and a virgin, and it doesn't bother me too much. I say that you should be stubborn and do not get any person to pressure you into using your body for sex. It is your body and you should decide when you feel ready to use it.

    Also, There are many fish in the pond so to speak, many of whom will be infinitely more respective of your decision of when you want sex. These are the guys that you should be going for, not some horny douchebag who wants to effectively rape you!

    All the best,
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    i feel kind of bad because i know his family stuff is more than he can ever describe to anyone and he's under so much pressure.
    It doesn't sound as if his family and their influence on his is going to change, ever.
    So it doesn't matter whether he's 19 or 29, that will stay the same.

    Will he be expected to have an arranged marriage?

    Where would you fit in with that?

    What are his family going to do about you if they DO find out????

    I'm like another poster who hopes this is a troll, because if it's real it's horrible.
    You need to get out of this fast.
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    Please please don't give in to his demands.
    He's calling you not having sex with him after 2 MONTHS ridiculous???? He's ridiculous. He should learn how to control his raging teenage hormones. Before my current bf I went out with a guy for 8 months and another guy after him for 6 months, and I didn't feel ready for sex with either of them. Then with my current bf we had sex after 2 weeks...but it just felt right.

    If you don't feel ready yet don't let anyone force you into sex or other sexual acts for that matter. You need to lay the cards on the table, tell him he either waits longer until you're ready or you leave him.
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    Listen to your friends, he sounds like a jerk. If he loved you, he wouldn't be pressuring you into anything.
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    Didnt read topic or any of the other posts but 'Am I being unreasonable for not giving him sex'? Yes...... Always
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    (Original post by LaceyJJo)
    Yeah, he is. He never goes into much detail as to why we have to keep it a secret but has mentioned how his family wouldnt be happy with it, and wouldn't want him to have a girlfriend when he's supposed to be focusing on other things (school work). Whenever we are out together its when he has told his parents he's doing something else e.g. staying after college/going to a club etc. However if he HAS to keep the relationship secret then ok, but its actually like we don't even talk AT ALL in college, not even as friends. And this is all because he has relatives in our college who he doesn't trust not to snitch to his parents, despite the fact that i'm pretty sure they would keep the secret and support us (being mates with them myself). So not only is he ashamed to admit i'm his girlfriend, he can't even admit i'm his friend.
    Well in that case that makes things a lot more simple now. He's just using you to satisfy his needs, he'll eventually leave you and move on, all he wants from you is sex (even though his religion does not allow this before marriage, neither are relationships allowed, hence the secrecy, the consequences can be severe), once he's used and abused you (if you let him) he'll be gone, there will never be any proof of both of you - family and Islam is more important to him even if he doesn't realise it yet, it's his word against yours, which is good for him and terrible for you. I suggest you cut ties, the moment you do this, you'll most likely play into his manipulation of getting you back, but at least I've told you.

    Good luck.
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    I don't know if anybody will ever read this, but I'm the thread starter and it's 3 years later and I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to every person who helped me by posting on here when I was a stupid 17 year old being used and abused by an emotionally manipulative *******.
    I truly dread to think where I'd be right now if some of you guys hadn't made me see the light of day. I'm now 20, about to graduate, very happy and I thankfully broke up with this ****er shortly after I posted this thread. Only now when I read back through these comments do I realise what an awful and dangerous situation I was in. Wish I didn't have to carry it around with me... but it could have been worse, and probably would have been if it weren't for you all.
    THANK YOU ALL beautiful people xx
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    (Original post by BrannePatenxx)
    I don't know if anybody will ever read this, but I'm the thread starter and it's 3 years later and I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to every person who helped me by posting on here when I was a stupid 17 year old being used and abused by an emotionally manipulative *******.
    I truly dread to think where I'd be right now if some of you guys hadn't made me see the light of day. I'm now 20, about to graduate, very happy and I thankfully broke up with this ****er shortly after I posted this thread. Only now when I read back through these comments do I realise what an awful and dangerous situation I was in. Wish I didn't have to carry it around with me... but it could have been worse, and probably would have been if it weren't for you all.
    THANK YOU ALL beautiful people xx

    Glad you're doing well!
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    He's a ****.
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    (Original post by BrannePatenxx)
    I don't know if anybody will ever read this, but I'm the thread starter and it's 3 years later and I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to every person who helped me by posting on here when I was a stupid 17 year old being used and abused by an emotionally manipulative *******.
    I truly dread to think where I'd be right now if some of you guys hadn't made me see the light of day. I'm now 20, about to graduate, very happy and I thankfully broke up with this ****er shortly after I posted this thread. Only now when I read back through these comments do I realise what an awful and dangerous situation I was in. Wish I didn't have to carry it around with me... but it could have been worse, and probably would have been if it weren't for you all.
    THANK YOU ALL beautiful people xx
    It actually made me truly happy to read this, glad everything turned out well after that horrific episode!

    May I ask how the breakup went?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This is really long, but i'm really desperate for help and would so appreciate someone giving me advice...

    I'm 17, never had sex, i've been going out with my bf for just over 2 months now, we were 'kind of' together for about 6 weeks before we made it official. He's my second boyfriend but first serious one. he's 18. He's also never had sex.

    Our whole kind of thing is really intense and deep because we liked eachother for 2 years before we started dating and i know that he loves me a lot and has said he see's me in his future and stuff. I love him too but i just dont feel ready to have sex, and thats something he really doesn't understand.

    He's reaaally horny and i've always felt as if i'm in the wrong for not giving him sex and it's a constant problem between us and its always something that causes arguments. I've given him Hjs and bjs etc and stuff but he says its not enough for him and these arguments always result in him breaking up with me and coming back the day after and even when he says he cant wait for sex anymore he breaks up with me completely and comes back the next day.

    A major problem we have is that we have to keep our whole relationship secret, because of family issues etc. However it basically means nobody knows about our relationship and he wasnt even happy about my bestest friends knowing. Its not on facebook or anything and at college we have to pretend nothings going on between us. he has relatives at college who can't know the truth about us. My friends think hes an idiot for blanking me at college and think that its more of him being ashamed to admit to his friends that he's with me / embarrassed etc. They don't think he's good for me and think he's just getting everything his own way - e.g. getting what he wants out of the relationship but not having to make a big deal out of it to his friends etc. My friends are biased because they dont know him like i do and dont know the family issues he has.. but then again he hasnt even explained it to me in great detail and this makes me not trust him. Part of me believes he's telling the truth but me having to lie to a lot of people including his relatives and sneak around and look at him every day without being able to acknowledge that he's my boyfriend puts a lot of strain on our relationship and makes me feel worthless and used because i only feel wanted by him when nobody else is around. This all just makes me not trust him... after giving him a bj/hj for the first time i just felt really used because i go into college the next day and just get blanked by him... and thats another reason why i dont feel right about giving myself up completely to him, because that'll make me feel even more used and worthless.

    He always says things like if you really loved me you'd do it, you're not loving towards me at all, you don't keep me happy etc... he always seems to be making some kind of threat about sex when hes angry and i constantly feel as if i owe him a lot because i don't give him sex and i feel under pressure and as if im in the wrong. The truth is, when he asks why cant we do it i have nothing else to say in response except 'i'm just not ready', which isn't a good enough answer for him. He's asked me when i think i'll be ready, and i can't answer that either. Aside from this i genuinely think i'm really good to him and this is the thing that consistently brings up problems.

    I don't know what to do. I just dont want to have sex yet and he said that he doesnt think he can wait anymore and that this is becoming a joke. I never felt ready to do the majority of the sexual things we've done but only really did them because i felt like i had to, but they've left me feeling used and worthless , even though i know its just part of a relationship and i don't mind doing it for him. I'm only 17 but i really dont want to lose him, but then again i dont want my first time to be as a result of feeling under pressure. He's nearly 19 and says he really can't wait and i just don't know what to do. i've told him we will do it (obviously) but when the time's right etc. Part of me thinks i'm just soo unreasonable and stupid for not giving a guy sex and what do i really expect? Another part of me feels so angry that someone would try threaten me into doing it, even if i know it was just him in a rage. This part of me feels that if he really loved me he would wait and never try to put me under pressure or make me feel like this. Hes been really good to me and don't get me wrong i do love him, but then its like he's either really angry at times or really nice and when he's nice i feel as if its only for one reason and because i haven't given him sex yet its a constant problem, a constant argument and constant pressure. He says we would be perfect if i would just do this for him because 'he cant describe how much he needs it'. However my mum has said take things slow and don't rush and if i did have sex with him it'd just feel so wrong because i'd know truly it was out of pressure and not because i felt ready, and i'd feel ashamed especially because my mum has warned me to take things slow and i just don't think she'd be too impressed. Someone please help?
    Thanks, Lacey x
    Hi lacey,

    I think one of the major problems is that it is both disrespectful and degrading to be reduced down to a sex object. I'm not even sure he's aware that that's what he's doing though (and if you phrase it like that it will likely put him on the defensive).

    You are either feeling ready or you're not.
    Sex to most people isn't that big a deal. For me it's something I only want to share with people I have feelings for. And your feelings about sex are likely not about him. But does he know that?

    Does he think that you don't want to have sex, or you don't want to have sex with him?

    Does he feel that you don't love him and thus that is why you're not having sex with him?

    I think a big chat about why you don't feel ready might help things. Explain to him about your worries, about the fact that for you it's a big step and whilst you're sure you want to have sex with him, you a) don't see this as a reason to rush and b) that you want to explore what your sexuality means to you.

    So (and this is presumptive, some of it may or may not apply to you but as a test example case):
    That doesn't mean that you want to be with another gender or another male, but you want to learn what turns you on, what you feel comfortable with and what you find off putting. That you want to feel more comfortable with your anatomy.
    You want to feel like you can perhaps relax more in your first time and enjoy it. That you can tell him what you like etc. But that that isn't something that happens in a day, it will likely take a while to happen. And that sexual desire needs to go hand in hand with feeling like you're both autonomous (not feeling pressured) and feeling that you know your body and your sexual identity.
    This happens both at the start of sexual exploration and afterwards. So you may or may not have thought about some of these but:

    Some like to be dominated.
    Others like to be submissive.
    Some like to be peed on.
    Others like to pee on someone.
    Some like to have their toes sucked.
    Some like to have their sphincter licked.

    None of these are to be ashamed of.

    Now some of that you need a partner for, but most of all you need to know if you feel turned on by whatever. And if he can't accept you need time to know how you will feel about these things and what gets you ticking then he probably has a sexist attitude towards women, viewing them as providing a service to his penis and ego and not viewing them as a separate being to him.

    Just my 2 pence.

    Hope you're okay .

    Remember, there's nothing wrong with saying 'no'. It's your choice to consent.
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    (Original post by BrannePatenxx)
    I don't know if anybody will ever read this, but I'm the thread starter and it's 3 years later and I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to every person who helped me by posting on here when I was a stupid 17 year old being used and abused by an emotionally manipulative *******.
    I truly dread to think where I'd be right now if some of you guys hadn't made me see the light of day. I'm now 20, about to graduate, very happy and I thankfully broke up with this ****er shortly after I posted this thread. Only now when I read back through these comments do I realise what an awful and dangerous situation I was in. Wish I didn't have to carry it around with me... but it could have been worse, and probably would have been if it weren't for you all.
    THANK YOU ALL beautiful people xx
    Remind me to look at the dates of the threads I'm posting on XD.
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    (Original post by Another)
    It actually made me truly happy to read this, glad everything turned out well after that horrific episode!

    May I ask how the breakup went?
    It took me a while to build up the courage to do it. He'd made me feel like I was incapable of living without him, that I wasn't deserving of him, and therefore not anybody else either. He'd constantly throw insults at me to make me feel weaker and more inclined to put up with his ****.

    Anyway, as you can probably tell reading through my initial posts (which sicken me now) I was just so, so, so weak. After this was posted he'd mess me about, still pressuring me into sex and telling me he'd cheated on me, then telling me he hadn't, then he had. It was horrific. Anyway I eventually ended things and he as expected harrassed me a LOT via social media. The day I ended things with him, I woke up the next morning to nearly 200 missed calls throughout the night, facebook messages, he'd leave messages on my car (wherever it was parked he'd find it), follow me around college. This went on pretty much until A Levels finished, there was nothing I could do about it, except try ensure my friends were always with me at college, because he was too much of a wuss to approach me in front of them. A Levels ended and I never saw him again (thank god). For the first two years he'd message me obsessively now and again, telling me to reply and "treat me like a normal person". By that point, I'd gone to Uni and his messages were embarrassing and laughable!

    Thanks again for the help and advice. I appreciate it more than you can know!! Terrifies me that there are boys out there preying on young girls like this. What's worse is that these manipulators are very charming and very clever, they know exactly what they're doing and how to get what they want. Pretty terrifying - I'm just glad I escaped when I did. xx
 
 
 
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