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I have a problem with my girlfriends previous promiscuity in first year Watch

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    (Original post by Olivia Sullivan)
    Hey thought I'd add a female view on this since most of your replies are from guys I guess the thing is rather than how many guys she has slept with is if she regrets those past actions or not. I've had friends who have done a similar thing through immaturity and then really regretted it afterwards and wanted a loving monogamous relationship. From her actions and the way she is avoiding the guys it sounds like she regrets it too so I would say try not to be too hard on her she might already feel terrible about it. We can't change the past even if we want to and despite her having done wrong in the past it doesn't change the great relationship you guys have and you have to try and not let it ruin that. I know it must be hard if I found that out about my bf I would be gutted but if the relationship is really great then its really not worth destroying over the past.
    Why should she have to feel ashamed?

    Exactly what is wrong with casual sex as long as it is done safely? Nothing!

    Plenty of people have casual sex until they meet someone they like, why should they have to feel ashamed of it?

    your viewpoint basically seems to be 'sleep with as many people as you like but if you arent ashamed of it afterwards your a bad person'
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    Honestly the more I think about this, the more it disgusts me. 30 f*cking guys in a few months? I feel like I need a cold shower just from saying that.

    Maybe she has changed, but she made her choices and it's completely natural of the OP to feel the way he does. Oh it's suddenly OK because it was in the past? I've heard of sloppy seconds but...what the f*ck is this ****?
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    This would make me extremely uncomfortable if I really liked this girl and it was a serious relationship! I would force myself to detach from her emotionally.

    People who say the past is the past are wrong. We are shaped by our experiences and they offer an insight into our personality. For whatever reason, this girl decided to let 30 guys have their way with her within her first 2 years at uni.

    I see no future with someone like this. It would cause me nightmares that someone i love let people do this. Would see her as lacking in basic morals and stability. Therefore not a very pleasant future with her.

    Sad but true. If some guy got over it fair enough.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by kunoichi)
    Why should she have to feel ashamed?

    Exactly what is wrong with casual sex as long as it is done safely? Nothing!

    Plenty of people have casual sex until they meet someone they like, why should they have to feel ashamed of it?

    your viewpoint basically seems to be 'sleep with as many people as you like but if you arent ashamed of it afterwards your a bad person'
    I really dislike this idea of viewing people as 'immature' or 'unrealistic' if they can't have a relationship with a person with a history like this.

    I think there are (broadly) 3 types of people in this situation:

    1. Those who feel sex before marriage is wrong; or who would prefer to wait until marriage.

    2. Those who attempt to have a certain level of commitment with someone before having sex with them.

    3. Those who are happy having casual sex with no commitment.

    I think that where people are in this spectrum stays quite stable. So if she was a 'high 3', than she's likely to stay that way (in or out of relationships). The further away from someone you are on this scale, the harder it is likely to be to have a long term relationship with them.

    A '3' might view sex as being primarily a form of pleasure, a '2' might view it as primarily a form of intimacy and a '1' might view it primarily as a form of reproduction, for example
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Potential Trigger)

    We are shaped by our experiences and they offer an insight into our personality.
    Well said.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I really dislike this idea of viewing people as 'immature' or 'unrealistic' if they can't have a relationship with a person with a history like this.

    I think there are (broadly) 3 types of people in this situation:

    1. Those who feel sex before marriage is wrong; or who would prefer to wait until marriage.

    2. Those who attempt to have a certain level of commitment with someone before having sex with them.

    3. Those who are happy having casual sex with no commitment.

    I think that where people are in this spectrum stays quite stable. So if she was a 'high 3', than she's likely to stay that way (in or out of relationships). The further away from someone you are on this scale, the harder it is likely to be to have a long term relationship with them.

    A '3' might view sex as being primarily a form of pleasure, a '2' might view it as primarily a form of intimacy and a '1' might view it primarily as a form of reproduction, for example
    Its fine not wanting to have a relationship because of your views on sex and what you believe it is for.

    It is wrong to expect others to be ashamed of their actions because of their views on sex and this goes for OP and the other person i quoted.
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    I'm not even talking about now, I'm talking about the past. So she may not be a slut now, but she definitely was at one time. And just like how I'd find it being uncomfortable with someone who just told me they used to be a Nazi, I'd also find it uncomfortable being with someone who has slept with over 30 guys.
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    (Original post by Potential Trigger)
    This would make me extremely uncomfortable if I really liked this girl and it was a serious relationship! I would force myself to detach from her emotionally.

    People who say the past is the past are wrong. We are shaped by our experiences and they offer an insight into our personality. For whatever reason, this girl decided to let 30 guys have their way with her within her first 2 years at uni.

    I see no future with someone like this. It would cause me nightmares that someone i love let people do this. Would see her as lacking in basic morals and stability. Therefore not a very pleasant future with her.

    Sad but true. If some guy got over it fair enough.
    It's one of our societies most bizarre features that this comes under "basic morals". I'd say basic morals are; don't harm others, don't cheat, don't steal, look after your family and friends. Certainly nothing against adults having consentual sex.
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    (Original post by Mankytoes)
    It's one of our societies most bizarre features that this comes under "basic morals". I'd say basic morals are; don't harm others, don't cheat, don't steal, look after your family and friends. Certainly nothing against adults having consentual sex.
    That's your interpretation.

    Like I said it does reveal a lot about someone's personality.

    Also respecting one's body is important to me too. I never said I am against sex before marriage but there is a way to do it and a way not to. 30 guys in the space of a year is not for me. You have no issue with it so good to see some guys are accomodating and can over look it.

    However for me my OH of several years is very special in many ways. It would feel somewhat tainted if every guy had his **** inside her and I regularly saw them.
    • #4
    #4

    I think it's quite upsetting that you're bothered by this. I have a less than perfect past (though it wasn't sleeping with guys for bets, more naivety and the like), and although it's now years on, I still have extreme anxiety about a guy I care about disliking me because of it. The past is the past, and if she's faithful to you and doesn't have any untreated STDs, don't penalize her for it. It's not fair.

    That being said, you're entitled to your feelings.
    • #4
    #4

    I like how people equate sex over a certain amount of people with not being able to be trusted or commit. I go to the ends of the earth for somebody I care about, and I have never cheated. It's pathetic. Grow up.
    • #4
    #4

    (Original post by Mankytoes)
    It's one of our societies most bizarre features that this comes under "basic morals". I'd say basic morals are; don't harm others, don't cheat, don't steal, look after your family and friends. Certainly nothing against adults having consentual sex.
    This.
    • #4
    #4

    (Original post by Potential Trigger)
    This would make me extremely uncomfortable if I really liked this girl and it was a serious relationship! I would force myself to detach from her emotionally.

    People who say the past is the past are wrong. We are shaped by our experiences and they offer an insight into our personality. For whatever reason, this girl decided to let 30 guys have their way with her within her first 2 years at uni.

    I see no future with someone like this. It would cause me nightmares that someone i love let people do this. Would see her as lacking in basic morals and stability. Therefore not a very pleasant future with her.

    Sad but true. If some guy got over it fair enough.
    The girl would be lucky to get away from you, to be honest.

    If your Mum had sex with over 30 people in one year, would you detach yourself from her? Even if she was completely different and was perfect in every other way.

    What's sad is that people like you can't look past a person's past or other redeeming features. Says a lot about the type of person YOU are, to be honest.

    I, for one, take those I love for themselves, not their past sexual habits.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The girl would be lucky to get away from you, to be honest.

    If your Mum had sex with over 30 people in one year, would you detach yourself from her? Even if she was completely different and was perfect in every other way.

    What's sad is that people like you can't look past a person's past or other redeeming features. Says a lot about the type of person YOU are, to be honest.

    I, for one, take those I love for themselves, not their past sexual habits.
    Yes, but 'themselves' includes their past. People are not Markov Chains. Our past experiences do influence our future.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The girl would be lucky to get away from you, to be honest.

    If your Mum had sex with over 30 people in one year, would you detach yourself from her? Even if she was completely different and was perfect in every other way.

    What's sad is that people like you can't look past a person's past or other redeeming features. Says a lot about the type of person YOU are, to be honest.

    I, for one, take those I love for themselves, not their past sexual habits.
    So now I am suddenly the bad one for not accepting something that someone did in their past..interesting..

    My mum example is a joke! And yeah I would be gutted but I can't choose my mum. Can choose my partner though

    As you can see from the previous pages many guys/girls are not ok with it and have expressed it more strictly.

    We are all entitled to our opinion just like you are entitled to sleep with as many people as you want. So no point throwing your toys out the pram cuz I am not okay with it.

    Like I said I am already in a long term relationship for several years and it's going to last so quite why she would want to escape from me is beyond me. She also has the same views as many girls on this thread.

    You can't have your cake and eat it too. Every action will be interpreted differently by people.

    I could not sleep around and a girl could say you don't have enough experience! She is within her right to say that too so please do not impose your views on us.

    Our past is our identity and it does offer insight. Also I cannot help but get nightmares if someone I loved did this so would have to detach.

    You say you don't look at people's past sexual habits, well no shocker there.

    Like I said, every guy and girl can do whatever the hell they want with whoever. Just don't assume we all have to conform to particular values.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The girl would be lucky to get away from you, to be honest.

    If your Mum had sex with over 30 people in one year, would you detach yourself from her? Even if she was completely different and was perfect in every other way.

    What's sad is that people like you can't look past a person's past or other redeeming features. Says a lot about the type of person YOU are, to be honest.

    I, for one, take those I love for themselves, not their past sexual habits.
    We have to base our decisions at least in part on the past actions of a partner. Otherwise, the guy whose wife was repeatedly cheating but kept maintaining she loved him would get another chance, ad infinitum.
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    0-30 in 1 year? :eek: that's a lot.

    Personally I would find the "competition" more offensive and problematic than the casual sex.
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by ThatPerson)
    0-30 in 1 year? :eek: that's a lot.
    Sounds like you're describing a car.

    The Ford Sloth - 0 to 30 in one year
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    (Original post by Potential Trigger)
    That's your interpretation.

    Like I said it does reveal a lot about someone's personality.

    Also respecting one's body is important to me too. I never said I am against sex before marriage but there is a way to do it and a way not to. 30 guys in the space of a year is not for me. You have no issue with it so good to see some guys are accomodating and can over look it.

    However for me my OH of several years is very special in many ways. It would feel somewhat tainted if every guy had his **** inside her and I regularly saw them.
    Like what? What does it say about your personality? Sounds to me like you are generalising people.

    Safe sex is good for you, it is not disrespecting your body. See what I mean, in our society of fast food, alcohol, whatever, it's the healthy act of sex that is called "disrespecting your body".

    My girlfriend was a virgin when I met her, and I do find it attractive, so I see what people mean, it's just the language, the attitudes, that I find silly.

    Another thing that amazes me is how this is such a priority. You'd think personality, looks, hobbies, desires, these would be enough, but people care so much about sexual history.
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    build a bridge and get over it, you can't change the past.

    if you really can't see past her prior fauts as you see them, then break up with her. if she is with you now and has changed then surely she is a person that you would want to be with anyway?
 
 
 
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