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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It's such a messed up situation, and if you've read all of this then I applaud you, I really do! Any advice would really be appreciated. Please don't just tell me to leave it and forget about him, because I just can't do that, it's out of the question. x
    Ok, this could potentially seem more harsh than it is meant to but I feel as if you need a small slap back to reality:

    Firstly, don't give me this 'it's out of the question' ****e because it isn't. Everybody who has ever had feelings for someone gets to the point where they want to protract what is ultimately an unbelievably negative romantic involvement for the pure fact of not wanting to be lonely any more. It's a BAD MOVE. You may feel like this is the guy, you may feel you're in love with him and you may have engineered your entire conscious being to revolve around him. He is not the guy. Here are some reasons why:

    Seducing 14 year olds is just flatly wrong. I shouldn't have to justify this really, as thankfully society has largely accepted this as an axiom, but if considered you should realise that your current situation is exactly part of the reason for discouraging this contact. He hit on you, grew close to you, when you were entering a period of emotional development. You were effectively in the formative period of your sexual and emotional consciousness - this is part of the reason why young teenagers are particularly volatile: wild hormones, new feelings, and insecurities. His taking advantage of being much older is not just wrong from a physical point of view but has effectively groomed you. What this means is that through a lot of your emotional development - matters pertaining to love, romance or sex - you've subconsciously associated him with these feelings. It's therefore generated a reasonably natural state of dependence on this complete douchehole.

    When we consider he has a girlfriend and a child, and that he systematically and ruthlessly betrays them with you, do you honestly believe that you're the only one? And even if you are, he's still a wild **** who seems to shirk his responsibilities to maturity, life and family by trying to reinvent himself through the eyes of those significantly younger than himself. You don't want to be a homewrecker? What else do you actually envision? The guy is emotionally cheating on his partner and betraying his child with you, which you are enabling, and you don't want to be a homewrecker? Tough. You are one.

    This guy is a tool. What is most frustrating is that you don't rate yourself higher than this. If he was the guy for you, you'd be together. You're Scottish so I'll say whit's fer ye'll nae gae by ye and you should understand. He's not. If you sat down and objectively thought about what you wanted for yourself, what you deserve, and what is potentially going to make you happy for the rest of your life you are unlikely to write down a serial cheater with a proclivity for paedophilia, are you?

    Cut the cord, feel **** for a while which is natural, and actually get on with your life without throwing it away to this complete waste of space.

    I seriously hope you do, and I wish you all the best, but you CANNOT stay with this guy and if you do, then you deserve all the heartache that is inevitably going to come your way because only an outrageously naive person with a sense of masochism would get involved with this guy.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I would understand that if it was what I had set out to do and had intended on it, but I didn't. I feel bloody awful about it, my head is a complete mess and of course I feel guilty. Even still, I don't think that deserves a complete stranger wishing me to get hit by a car..
    I don't judge you for shagging him, I judge you for refusing to stop contacting him now. Actions speak louder than words- if you were really sorry, you'd show it by stopping the secret communication.

    You're an adult and you're accountable for your actions. Sometimes you want something, but to get it you'd have to harm others, so you don't take it. And when one of the people you're willing to harm is a small child, people are going to get emotional. It's a horrible thing to say.
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    (Original post by Schichtoe)
    Ok, this could potentially seem more harsh than it is meant to but I feel as if you need a small slap back to reality:

    Firstly, don't give me this 'it's out of the question' ****e because it isn't. Everybody who has ever had feelings for someone gets to the point where they want to protract what is ultimately an unbelievably negative romantic involvement for the pure fact of not wanting to be lonely any more. It's a BAD MOVE. You may feel like this is the guy, you may feel you're in love with him and you may have engineered your entire conscious being to revolve around him. He is not the guy. Here are some reasons why:

    Seducing 14 year olds is just flatly wrong. I shouldn't have to justify this really, as thankfully society has largely accepted this as an axiom, but if considered you should realise that your current situation is exactly part of the reason for discouraging this contact. He hit on you, grew close to you, when you were entering a period of emotional development. You were effectively in the formative period of your sexual and emotional consciousness - this is part of the reason why young teenagers are particularly volatile: wild hormones, new feelings, and insecurities. His taking advantage of being much older is not just wrong from a physical point of view but has effectively groomed you. What this means is that through a lot of your emotional development - matters pertaining to love, romance or sex - you've subconsciously associated him with these feelings. It's therefore generated a reasonably natural state of dependence on this complete douchehole.

    When we consider he has a girlfriend and a child, and that he systematically and ruthlessly betrays them with you, do you honestly believe that you're the only one? And even if you are, he's still a wild **** who seems to shirk his responsibilities to maturity, life and family by trying to reinvent himself through the eyes of those significantly younger than himself. You don't want to be a homewrecker? What else do you actually envision? The guy is emotionally cheating on his partner and betraying his child with you, which you are enabling, and you don't want to be a homewrecker? Tough. You are one.

    This guy is a tool. What is most frustrating is that you don't rate yourself higher than this. If he was the guy for you, you'd be together. You're Scottish so I'll say whit's fer ye'll nae gae by ye and you should understand. He's not. If you sat down and objectively thought about what you wanted for yourself, what you deserve, and what is potentially going to make you happy for the rest of your life you are unlikely to write down a serial cheater with a proclivity for paedophilia, are you?

    Cut the cord, feel **** for a while which is natural, and actually get on with your life without throwing it away to this complete waste of space.

    I seriously hope you do, and I wish you all the best, but you CANNOT stay with this guy and if you do, then you deserve all the heartache that is inevitably going to come your way because only an outrageously naive person with a sense of masochism would get involved with this guy.
    Thank you. Glad I posted here now, think I've come to my senses a little more. Going to have a chat with him this week and let him know that I can't do this anymore. It'll only get worse as time goes on, I don't have the emotional strength right now to put myself through keeping this act up and feeling guilty about it.

    Thanks again.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This kind of response is exactly why I was hesitant to post here.

    It's all fine and well for an outsider to read something, judge a situation and throw whatever comments out there. It's easy to judge a situation, it's not so easy to be the person in the situation.

    Like I said, I didn't plan for any of this to happen and of course I feel guilty about it so please try and refrain from hurling insults and abuse my way. You can have your opinion, I respect that, but aggressive and abusive messages aren't going to help.
    whether it hurts to hear it or not though, I think the message is clear enough and you know what you should probably do now.
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    He sounds really dodgy to me, lying about his age from the outset and knowing full well how old you were at the time. What else is he lying about? He has a girlfriend and a child, what you and he are doing is wrong and I doubt he is going to ruin his homelife to start a proper relationship with you. I'd cut your losses and move on.
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    OP if I were you, I would just stay away from him.
    Firstly, he's lied to you and secondly it's not fair on the poor child.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you. Glad I posted here now, think I've come to my senses a little more. Going to have a chat with him this week and let him know that I can't do this anymore. It'll only get worse as time goes on, I don't have the emotional strength right now to put myself through keeping this act up and feeling guilty about it.

    Thanks again.
    Please ignore some of the idiots on the thread. A lot of people are keyboard warriors and suddenly get a an urge to insult as much as possible. That being said, the majority of the comments are generally correct, and you are indeed acting naively and should leave this guy immediately. No if's, buts or maybes. He sounds like a bit of a sleaze and a dbag, and things are already complicated due to the fact that his gf knows about you. You deserve BETTER, and continuing ANY form of conversation will not only mess with his family life, but also with YOUR life as well.

    The problem is, YOU have to be willing to cut all ties, or else no mountain of suggestions or comments will change what is already a bad situation
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    (Original post by dgeorge)
    1. Please ignore some of the idiots on the thread. A lot of people are keyboard warriors and suddenly get a
    ...desire to click submit before finishing their posts?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you. Glad I posted here now, think I've come to my senses a little more. Going to have a chat with him this week and let him know that I can't do this anymore. It'll only get worse as time goes on, I don't have the emotional strength right now to put myself through keeping this act up and feeling guilty about it.

    Thanks again.
    You're welcome, and sorry if I seemed a little brutal - like I say, really just trying to be cruel to be kind.

    I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, because I really understand where you're coming from and I've been in the position where I've totally subverted my own self value and self worth for someone before, and so that's kind of what makes me want to scream 'GET OUT' through the screen to you.

    Good luck with the talk and please, please, PLEASE be strong. If you need to talk about it privately, you can message me any time.

    Fingers crossed. I know it's hard, and I'm sending you lots of wonderful internet hugs.
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    (Original post by Mankytoes)
    ...desire to click submit before finishing their posts?
    Meh. It happens to the best of us.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Please bear with me, this might end up incredibly long as it's quite complicated.

    When I was 14, I started chatting to a guy online who was 17 and lived in London (I live in Scotland). We chatted for around 1.5 years and I thought I was madly in love with him, as you do at that age. Eventually, he cut off contact and told me that we couldn't even talk anymore and I was gutted. I found out at the end of 2007 that the reason he'd cut contact with me was because he had a girlfriend, and a baby on the way. And he was 24 when we spoke, not 17. I got on with my life and didn't think about him much after that, I had no way of getting in touch with him anyway.

    A few months ago, I decided to Google him out of curiosity and was shocked to stumble across a news article with a picture of him. Basically, his dad had passed away and I wanted to send my condolences so I eventually managed to find him on Facebook (he had blocked me before) and I sent him a message from a different account, not expecting him to reply. He did reply, and we've been chatting again over the past few months.

    The messages started off innocently at first and I didn't think much of it, but eventually they ended up getting a bit flirty and suggestive. I had a trip to London planned and told him about it, and he offered to meet me to show me the sights. I didn't think he would, but I went along with it anyway. About a week before I went to London, I got a phone call from his girlfriend and then she messaged me on Facebook. She'd seen the messages and wanted to know what was going on, and weirdly we ended up in a conversation and she told me that she asks herself why she's with him and that she doesn't want to break up the relationship between him and their child.

    I went to London last week, and he met me one afternoon. It was pretty surreal, considering it's been over 7 years now since we first started talking. I'm 21 now, he's 31. He ended up kissing me, and I know it was wrong but I didn't stop him. He left about dinner time to get back home, and as soon as he left, I just broke down in tears. I was almost hoping that when I met him, I'd think he was a bit weird or not be that bothered, but it was like all these feelings came flooding back all at once. I told him I felt miserable once he'd left, and he managed to come back that night to see me. We ended up sleeping together - again, wrong I know, but it just felt right. Again, he had to leave me.

    We talked a lot, and he pretty much echoed what his gf had told me. He said he can't leave her because their son means everything to him. He doesn't want to be one of those part-time dads who only sees their kid at weekends, and he got pretty upset talking about it. He says him and gf don't get on.

    I know that the first thing to think reading this would be that I shouldn't have met him, he has a girlfriend and is unavailable, I'm a homewrecker or something... But I really just need honest opinions on this horrible situation. I'm back in Scotland now, and I feel so low and depressed at the thought of being 100s of miles away from him again. He's told me it won't be a one-time thing, and that maybe things will be different when I move down south in September.

    I just don't know how to convince him that staying with someone for the sake of a child isn't right. I understand where he's coming from and I know it's difficult, but I don't want him to regret staying in an unhappy relationship when he's older and the child has grown up. And I know it's unlikely for men in relationships to leave for the 'other woman' but if even his girlfriend has admitted they're only together for a child, isn't it just a matter of time before one of them has had enough and leaves?

    I absolutely hate the sneaking around and only being able to text him at certain times of day. He calls me on his lunch at work and texts when he can, and he wants to meet me next month but I just hate that I'm so far away and he's at home living a completely different life. I don't want to just be a bit of fun for him, a distraction from his relationship. Normally, I'd be cynical and think that he's just saying what I want to hear about only being with her because of the child but the thing is, she's admitted that too.

    I don't want to be the homewrecker, I don't want to cause trouble and I know that I could ruin everything between them if I wanted to - I could easily message her and ruin everything. But I don't want to do that, there's a child involved and it isn't fair on anyone. Similarly, I don't want her to find out by him slipping up. I guess I want him to realize that he shouldn't be with her, and leave of his own accord. But I can't even ask him to do that, because it would be like asking him to choose me over his child.

    It's such a messed up situation, and if you've read all of this then I applaud you, I really do! Any advice would really be appreciated. Please don't just tell me to leave it and forget about him, because I just can't do that, it's out of the question. x
    So even though you knew he had a girlfriend and a child you still went there. Sorry but you are completely wrong in what you are doing, he is having his cake and eating it. You really think he will leave his girlfriend, come on they never do. You need to stop this madness now, how would you feel if it was you with the child and the guy you were with was cheating on you with someone else
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you. Glad I posted here now, think I've come to my senses a little more. Going to have a chat with him this week and let him know that I can't do this anymore. It'll only get worse as time goes on, I don't have the emotional strength right now to put myself through keeping this act up and feeling guilty about it.

    Thanks again.
    Ok now I seen this, please for the sake of yourself tell him that you can't do it no more and if he protests, guilt trips you or tries to blackmail you, stand your ground and be strong.

    On another note yes what the OP is doing is wrong but if there are any insults they will get removed and warned.
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    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    So even though you knew he had a girlfriend and a child you still went there. Sorry but you are completely wrong in what you are doing, he is having his cake and eating it. You really think he will leave his girlfriend, come on they never do. You need to stop this madness now, how would you feel if it was you with the child and the guy you were with was cheating on you with someone else
    To be fair, I had to go to London for other reasons and didn't expect him to meet me. When he offered to meet me, it was in the afternoon and we went for lunch and it was innocent. But there was a connection there and yeah, it got out of hand and I shouldn't have let it but I did. I'm not trying to shift responsibility or blame him, I could have stopped it if I wanted to but in that moment I wasn't thinking of anything else.
    But yeah, I'm seeing sense now and will have to speak to him this week. Can't imagine my life like this for the next few months, it's not fair on anyone.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    To be fair, I had to go to London for other reasons and didn't expect him to meet me. When he offered to meet me, it was in the afternoon and we went for lunch and it was innocent. But there was a connection there and yeah, it got out of hand and I shouldn't have let it but I did. I'm not trying to shift responsibility or blame him, I could have stopped it if I wanted to but in that moment I wasn't thinking of anything else.
    But yeah, I'm seeing sense now and will have to speak to him this week. Can't imagine my life like this for the next few months, it's not fair on anyone.
    Well he could have stopped it as well so just as much his fault
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This kind of response is exactly why I was hesitant to post here.

    It's all fine and well for an outsider to read something, judge a situation and throw whatever comments out there. It's easy to judge a situation, it's not so easy to be the person in the situation.

    Like I said, I didn't plan for any of this to happen and of course I feel guilty about it so please try and refrain from hurling insults and abuse my way. You can have your opinion, I respect that, but aggressive and abusive messages aren't going to help.
    I've not been in a situation exactly like yours but I have been 'the other woman' and I know how much it screws with your heart and your head. People are so quick to throw criticism and nasty words, but, honestly, nobody ever expects to get into that situation, and you can't possibly understand what it's like until you're there yourself. So I sympathise with you, OP.

    One thing I will say is that this man does not sound like good news. He's a serial liar, a coward, and incapable of being faithful. It's easy to try to brush over these things when you're crazy about someone, but the fact of the matter is, a decent man, worthy of building a life with, does not behave like this. Speaking from experience, don't let yourself get more involved. It's not fair, but it's always the other woman who gets hurt, never the cheating man. He's only going to mess you up further.
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    I've heard first hand stories about and met several of these type of guys...
    The type of men who talk to lots of girls online (and it was lots, not just you - even though it might have seemed like it) and lie constantly are not to be trusted about anything. They are players of the worst kind.

    You have been played. It is a fact. From everything you have said, to me, it is undeniable. You were ripe for the picking. He's finding it exciting keeping you on the side.
    He is definitely much more at fault than you, he's been purposefully and maliciously manipulating you for his personal gain because he could see the personality traits in you that were perfect for it.
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    (Original post by Loiks94)
    You disgusting women, just ruined a kids life. WELL DONE
    I think that is somewhat harsh to say - takes two to tango, and it is also this man WITH a partner and girlfriend who decided to hop into bed with someone else, so all the blame should not be on OP.

    That said, OP, I think right now you are overwhelmed with illogical emotions which are fogging up what should be the clear picture:

    The guy you like is a LIAR.
    1) When you were 14, he was not 17, he was 24 (at which age you should really NOT be talking to young, gullible teenagers! at 24 you are old enough to have finished your University degree, may even be in a job. At 14 you haven't even started Sixth Form!) - which is weird in itself, but he LIED about his age to you
    2) He is lying to his girlfriend. He has slept with you and kissed you, that is cheating. He should have been honourable enough to either, leave her for you, or to say "look, I'm in a relationship, I can't do this". You may think you are special, but deep down all it says that overcome with emotion, he is capable of forgetting a woman he has been with for 7 years and had a kid with and just go off with another girl which he hasn't heard from in years. If he got with you for good, the same story may happen again.

    Also, although there are many clichés of love has no age, 21 and 31 is still a pretty big age gap - and if it isn't (as especially, if he was 24 speaking to a 14 year old...), you may wonder if he is actually that mature at all.
    I mean, you want a proper relationship with someone mature because you know they will stay by you and raise kids well.
    Well, he has a girlfriend and a kid, and I don't think he is really demonstrating maturity by cheating on her with someone 10 years younger. Who knows, maybe when you become 30, he will do the same to you.

    Basically, as hard as it may be, find someone your age who is focused on you, won't cheat on you, and won't lie to you and to other people who are important to him. This situation will only lead to more hurt. Imagine how the girlfriend will feel if/when she finds out, the child - and honestly, how much future do you think you and him have? :s
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    I hope you iron your trackies when you see Jeremy.




    No but really, this dude is firstly a pedobear: 24 year old seducing a 14 year old is quite sick. Secondly he didn't think twice about humping you, so most likely he has several other bits on the side (including your lovely self), and he intends to keep it that way it seems. This dude is creepy and you remind me of an vulnerable unsuspecting deer. So...you need to get on your bike and ride far away from this guy.

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you.

    I really wish I could walk away. In some ways, I wish I hadn't even met him when I was London because it would have been so much easier to cut ties with him. I'm just finding the whole situation so frustrating, more than anything else. I know he doesn't want to be with her, and the only thing keeping him there is his child. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about that.

    I think I'm slowly realizing that I'm being delusional about the situation though. In my head, it's all happy endings and fairytales and that when I move downs south, he'll see me more and leave her and everything will be fine. Think I need to take off the rose-tinted glasses because I know that's not going to happen. x
    Maybe this will help you. I used to work with a 50ish year old woman who had been in a 'relationship' with a married man for over 20 years. She had had a child to him. When he died, he told her on his deathbed that he wanted nothing to do with her and she shouldn't come to the funeral as it would upset his "real family". He didn't care about the fact they had a child together and basically she realised that he'd been using her for 20 years just for his own gratification and he never loved her.
    Seems the way that this is going if hes never going to leave his girlfriend, and quite frankly... thats just sad. Do you want to be 30+ and still be the other woman with a child to a man who has lied to you and has no respect for you?
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    (Original post by Rock Fan)
    Well he could have stopped it as well so just as much his fault
    But HE isn't posting on an internet forum asking for insight/advice and then reacting with defensiveness when people respond in the most understandable way. I see HIM and HIS side as irrelevant. Th is about OP's part in this.

    OP, even if you DO somehow get out of this situation with no one getting hurt (yeahhh not really possible, but roll with me), you're gonna encounter other very difficult situations - well, not just ENCOUNTER, but MANIFEST, as you did here - in future if you fail to accept full responsibility for what YOU decided to do. There should be no peep of retaliation or defensiveness from you, you should accept that you totally chose this situation for yourself, and you ALSO chose to write about it on here, knowing the consequences as you always have done. Don't put oil on fire and then be surprised/offended when the fire gets harsher. Maybe fire's just testing to see if you're even capable of the change you seem to want to make.

    Accepting full responsibility, in this case, means saying 'you know what, okay, I am really down and out here, I don't have a leg to stand on in trying to defend my actions or make out that I didn't totally want and choose this in the moment. There I said it. I totally, utterly, spectacularly messed up. It was a choice I made - or a series of choices - I was totally conscious and aware at the time, and it was a very, very bad call. If I could go back and not use his dad's death as an excuse to get in touch/not meet him/not have sex with him, I would. But that's impossible. So. What should I do now?'

    If you had said that, instead of giving the standard, reactionary response of hitting out, well, it would've demonstrated that you really are ready to up your game and not be the same person who made those awful decisions. You have to be prepared to take what you deserve. If you're not, then well, you're not really on here for advice, you're on here for consolation and for someone to concoct some tenuous rationalisation as to why you should absolutely pursue this catch of a man. And by saying things like 'it's out of the question' and then 'I wish I could just walk away', you're just further reinforcing that you're still hanging in the zone of making rubbish decisions.

    Change is hard, but try doing something people can respect. Like cutting this guy out of your life. If you still CHOOSE to carry on exactly as you were when you decided to get involved, then how can anyone help you? You'll carry on exactly as you were, oblivious to the fact that the very DYNAMIC which is making you type 'I can't walk away/it's out of the question/it's not a decision I can make' is the SAME dynamic which is keeping you EXACTLY where you are as you read this. Which, I estimate, is seething behind the screen and wanting to hit back again.

    Because most people lack the level of mindfulness necessary to create conscious positive change in their lives. Which begs the question....
 
 
 
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