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My Friend is dating someone who took advantage of me - Do I tell her about him? Watch

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    talk about what happened with her

    (Original post by Trigger)
    Every male neg rep in this thread just gives me a bigger wide on, just so you all know
    i read that as "hard on"
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    (Original post by Yawn11)
    No, she hasn't been raped, because she wasn't raped, not because she stayed with him. She stayed with him because she wasn't raped.

    She wasn't raped. She wasn't raped.

    There is no discussion or debate, because she wasn't raped. He didn't force her to do anything, and apologized for making her uncomfortable. Not rape.

    Psychotic feminist.
    Your post implied that because someone has stayed with someone who raped them then then the rape never occurred in the first place, which is a disgusting thing to even consider.

    Also we dont get a lot of info from her post, that ill agree, but if she was made to take him in her mouth and was unable to stop because he wouldnt let her then thats assault at the very least.
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    (Original post by Dmon1Unlimited)
    talk about what happened with her



    i read that as "hard on"
    Thats the joke...
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    (Original post by Trigger)
    Thats the joke...
    http://i3.ytimg.com/vi/zyL6wPt-2TM/mqdefault.jpg
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    Such a shame of the mentality of things these days is that each man is a potential rapist, and hes guilty until proven innocent.

    Hes scum but nothing there shows he was a rapist, I have had sex with girls then wanted to stop as I was worn out but the girl continued, that could be seen as sexual assault since I wanted to stop/withdrew consent but that doesnt mean it was, just as in the heat of things anything could happen.

    If we call it rape then pretty much every man in the world has commited rape, and every woman has commited sexual assaults at some point.

    I blame the fact that society likes to label things these days.

    I feel sorry for the OP and all the girls the guy has used(and yes he has used them) and not justifying his actions.
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    (Original post by drbluebox)

    Hes scum but nothing there shows he was a rapist, I have had sex with girls then wanted to stop as I was worn out but the girl continued, that could be seen as sexual assault since I wanted to stop/withdrew consent but that doesnt mean it was, just as in the heat of things anything could happen.
    What do you call making someone give you oral sex against your will then?

    Also if you didnt consent to carrying on then she has committed sexual assault.

    Believe it or not there are plenty of people out there who are able to stop when their partner has had enough and dont feel the need to force people into continuing.
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    (Original post by Yawn11)
    No problem xoxo
    me thinks you dont actually know what rape is :holmes:
    i assume by your response that you agree with what i said, but your other posts contradict this...
    i guess that means you must think it is something else...

    some of the posts on here highlight the attitude that can lead to victim blaming, slut shaming, and other tactics. society doesnt need this attitude
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    (Original post by kunoichi)
    Your post implied that because someone has stayed with someone who raped them then then the rape never occurred in the first place, which is a disgusting thing to even consider.

    Also we dont get a lot of info from her post, that ill agree, but if she was made to take him in her mouth and was unable to stop because he wouldnt let her then thats assault at the very least.
    Like I said earlier. If she was forced to have sex/ give him a bj, then that is rape. If he simply pestered her and tried to convince her to have sex with her, however didn't physically, or verbally threaten/ manipulate her into doing it when she didn't want to. That's not rape. But There is too little info and context to say if she was or wasnt raped, so idk why we're arguing this, its not even answering her question. We don't even know the whole story about that day so coming up with judgements before hearing both sides or the whole story is aasinine(after all, this is going to be a 'he said she said' case)


    But at any rate, warn your friend. She may be in for a bumpy ride, and you could give her the heads up needed
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    Yarp of course. If the guy's a **** you've got to tell your friend.
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    The OP's ex apologised; that means he probably realises he did something wrong.
    The OP said "I don't want to" which isn't "I want to but I'm a bit tired". It's NO, I DON'T WANT TO which is a very clear expression of lack of consent.
    The OP's current boyfriend thinks it was abuse. An outside observer thinks it was abuse.

    People tend not to say that they were taken advantage of for fun. They say it because they believe it happened. And making up stories in which the OP was pestered but then gave in, or whatever, is ridiculous; you're inventing stuff to fit your own narrative, you don't know that it happened and in all likelihood it didn't. Why not just believe her from the off, and give appropriate advice? Even if she's misremembering or glossing over extenuating circumstances (which I personally think is unlikely), someone else in a similar situation might well come across this thread and find it useful. Remember that TSR shows up high in Google for several types of search.

    And, from the sexual offences act 2003 which you can find easily on legislation.gov.uk:

    Rape
    (1)A person (A) commits an offence if—
    (a)he intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person (B) with his penis,
    (b)B does not consent to the penetration, and
    (c)A does not reasonably believe that B consents.
    Saying "I no longer want to" indicates a lack of consent, and from that point on any "are you sure?" or "oh please I'm really close" or "c'mon just finish me off" is not okay, though it is pretty forgivable because everyone does dumb things when they're horny from time to time. But continuing to put your genitalia in someone else's orifices even though they've said "I don't want to" - rather than just asking them to reconsider their consent - is rape and is not acceptable.

    It's rape even if she had sex with him afterwards.
    It's rape even if she was previously consenting.
    It's rape even if she didn't physically assault him to try and stop it happening.

    I was in a vaguely similar situation a while ago. Story time!

    I was acquaintances with this guy who I knew well, but not massively well. Anyway, I was in his house this one time and things got hot and heavy. We'd done one round and were snuggling and messy around when he reached out for a condom. I didn't want to have sex again so said "no, I don't want to". And he said "urgh but I already got the condom on". And I said "no, I really don't want to". And he kind of knelt up and started angling for penetration. And I said "NO, I DON'T WANT TO" and started to stand up as if to leave, at which point he finally got the bloody point and stopped pestering me. In that moment between my first "no" and him not putting his penis away I was scared and intimidated, I was in his house, I knew he was ignoring my wishes and welfare, and if I were less confident and less clear in my mind about the sanctity of my consent and my ability to stop any sex act whenever I want, for whatever reason, because I am a human and no human should be forced into sex they don't want, it would have been easier to stay still and quiet and let it happen.

    And it would have been rape even though I was previously consenting; even if I'd gone back for a second round (which I didn't, but then, I wasn't in a committed relationship with him); even if I hadn't physically struggled. If you reject a sex act and the sex act continues to happen, it is assault, and it might even be rape.
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    (Original post by kunoichi)
    What do you call making someone give you oral sex against your will then?

    Also if you didnt consent to carrying on then she has committed sexual assault.

    Believe it or not there are plenty of people out there who are able to stop when their partner has had enough and dont feel the need to force people into continuing.
    Thats like saying a crime is a crime, if the intention was rape then its rape this is far different than bending someone over and forcing themselves onto them having neverr had consent, this was regular consentual sex. Consent can change at any time, it can easily change to yes to no back to yes or stay at no, its al about interpretation and sadly women see men differently than men see women, a man would not see a woman continuing sex after he finished as rape, and I know many women, some who I even havent slept with who enjoy being forced(as long as it isnt actual rape)

    Even if it is "rape" it is not rape, why does someone need treated the same for doing that as someone forcing themselves on a stranger.

    Consent is a tricky thing for anyone, I would never force myself on someone my ex hated oral(though loved getting it done to her) sometimes when she wanted to stop I didnt realise, wouldnt that be rape since she withdrew consent? Point of that is how does someone know the withdrawal is permanent.

    The problem these days is that women are taught to see the potential dangers of something so in the past where a woman would never of thought twice about it being normal now its rape.

    I in the past have awoken more than once with girls I have walked home and I slept on sofa to find my zip undone and bits out, I gave no consent to that and that to me is far worse because I wasnt able to give consent(I didnt want to sleep with the girls as wanted to see if they fancied me sober, and I was tired from the drink)

    Also someone once actually tried raping me, a drunk gay guy came up to me when I was 17 and sitting on a bench and he grabbed my head and tried forcing myself onto him, I was almost frozen with fear but managed to break away and run.
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    (Original post by drbluebox)
    Thats like saying a crime is a crime, if the intention was rape then its rape this is far different than bending someone over and forcing themselves onto them having neverr had consent, this was regular consentual sex. Consent can change at any time, it can easily change to yes to no back to yes or stay at no, its al about interpretation and sadly women see men differently than men see women, a man would not see a woman continuing sex after he finished as rape, and I know many women, some who I even havent slept with who enjoy being forced(as long as it isnt actual rape)

    Even if it is "rape" it is not rape, why does someone need treated the same for doing that as someone forcing themselves on a stranger.


    Consent is a tricky thing for anyone, I would never force myself on someone my ex hated oral(though loved getting it done to her) sometimes when she wanted to stop I didnt realise, wouldnt that be rape since she withdrew consent? Point of that is how does someone know the withdrawal is permanent.

    The problem these days is that women are taught to see the potential dangers of something so in the past where a woman would never of thought twice about it being normal now its rape.

    I in the past have awoken more than once with girls I have walked home and I slept on sofa to find my zip undone and bits out, I gave no consent to that and that to me is far worse because I wasnt able to give consent(I didnt want to sleep with the girls as wanted to see if they fancied me sober, and I was tired from the drink)

    Then you were sexually assaulted and could have reported them

    Also someone once actually tried raping me, a drunk gay guy came up to me when I was 17 and sitting on a bench and he grabbed my head and tried forcing myself onto him, I was almost frozen with fear but managed to break away and run.
    If you think consent is tricky you should probably not be having sex

    If someone does not want to do something, and says no or is unable to say no (unconscious etc) then it is rape. it is as simple as that and i struggle to understand why some people dont understand that.

    This girl was made to carry on when she didnt want to. That suggests something a little out of order to me.

    As for the bit in bold, seriously wtf is wrong with you? If you are forcing someone to do something they dont consent to, no matter who you are, no matter what your previous history with someone is, it is rape. What is so difficult to understand?

    'The problem these days is that women are taught to see the potential dangers of something so in the past where a woman would never of thought twice about it being normal now its rape.'

    And yes things like marital rape were legal and the norm twenty years ago. Just because things were once the norm, doesnt mean they were right.
    How is it a bad thing that people are now able to realise that they dont have to put up with people doing things to their body that they dont want?

    I find your attitude very worrying.
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    (Original post by Trigger)
    If we could all stop victim blaming that would be ace. She said "I was made to continue perform oral sex after saying that I no longer wanted to" that is the information we have been given and that is rape regardless of whether they had sex again or whatever. Not all victims of rape are beaten and hurt, not all rape victims react in the same way and to accuse her of lying because she isn't fitting the profile in your head of what a rape victim should be is vile.

    The attitudes here disgust me sometimes.
    I am gonna cut in and add to it if I may, because I totally agree and the people blaming the victim quite frankly I am also appalled with some of the comments and bullying going on here. Any further nasty or unhelpful comments towards the OP will be removed and if appropriate will be warned, because there is no need for it.

    Those who gave sensible advice, big thumbs up to you guys, it is very much appreciated.
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    (Original post by kunoichi)
    If you think consent is tricky you should probably not be having sex

    If someone does not want to do something, and says no or is unable to say no (unconscious etc) then it is rape. it is as simple as that and i struggle to understand why some people dont understand that.

    This girl was made to carry on when she didnt want to. That suggests something a little out of order to me.

    As for the bit in bold, seriously wtf is wrong with you? If you are forcing someone to do something they dont consent to, no matter who you are, no matter what your previous history with someone is, it is rape. What is so difficult to understand?

    'The problem these days is that women are taught to see the potential dangers of something so in the past where a woman would never of thought twice about it being normal now its rape.'

    And yes things like marital rape were legal and the norm twenty years ago. Just because things were once the norm, doesnt mean they were right.
    How is it a bad thing that people are now able to realise that they dont have to put up with people doing things to their body that they dont want?

    I find your attitude very worrying.
    What so I am respectful of people yet my attitude is worrying, What I am meaning is I dont jump to conclusions automatically.

    Some things should not automatically be seen as rape or potential rape and I see it more as intent, if she started screaming no and he continued I would see that as rape but I personally see it as the attitude he had and the force he used rather than just saying rape, it could be rape on paper, if a 18 year old bought a few cans of beer for someone 1 day away from their 18th birthday would you say they should get in trouble with the police? You have to think about the actions and consequences.

    Why is it ok to automatically demonize people and think the worst of them? This guy is scum from cheating and his actions during sex may make he worse.

    If a girl withdrew consent I would stop but I may unintentionally continue at first either not hearing or not taking it in.

    Like said by people we dont know the full circumstances, I would say continuing oral in this method from what has said is rape by what they say on paper but in the rankings of more him being a uncaring scum guy than meeting some stranger and forcing themselves upon them.

    And as I said before I never said it wasnt wrong but in my opinion I think the police should spend more effort on the predators out there.

    I think we should always look at things before judging, is that so wrong? It seems you are just focusing on the fact I havent said OMG what a scumbag this guy was, go to the police.

    I find it disgusting that people get so worked up over their opinions, I feel sorry for the OP either way but my opinion is pretty much attacked and I get neg rep despite not attacking other opinions or leaving any neg rep, is that not bullying! I am getting treated like my opinion is wrong to have and being punished for it.

    Now I think this guy should be forcibly removed from his private parts for thinking hes so special and a player, and what he did makes him worse however I just disagree with the idea of rape.

    A guy(or girl) doing something like this may commit rape on paper but that doesnt make them automatically a rapist to me, I see a rapist as a predator and as I said in first post if this is rape then everyone would be rapists at some point to me, the problem here is that its so focused on what she said rather than what she didnt say.

    If I said I walked down the road and was punched by someone would you automatically say I was victim because I may have left out the fact I could of said nasty things to the person and wound them up?

    I dont deny it shouldnt have happened I just think as a one off it could of been a accident or the guy just didnt realise,
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    (Original post by drbluebox)
    Thats like saying a crime is a crime, if the intention was rape then its rape this is far different than bending someone over and forcing themselves onto them having neverr had consent, this was regular consentual sex. Consent can change at any time, it can easily change to yes to no back to yes or stay at no, its al about interpretation and sadly women see men differently than men see women, a man would not see a woman continuing sex after he finished as rape, and I know many women, some who I even havent slept with who enjoy being forced(as long as it isnt actual rape)

    Even if it is "rape" it is not rape, why does someone need treated the same for doing that as someone forcing themselves on a stranger.

    Consent is a tricky thing for anyone, I would never force myself on someone my ex hated oral(though loved getting it done to her) sometimes when she wanted to stop I didnt realise, wouldnt that be rape since she withdrew consent? Point of that is how does someone know the withdrawal is permanent.

    The problem these days is that women are taught to see the potential dangers of something so in the past where a woman would never of thought twice about it being normal now its rape.

    I in the past have awoken more than once with girls I have walked home and I slept on sofa to find my zip undone and bits out, I gave no consent to that and that to me is far worse because I wasnt able to give consent(I didnt want to sleep with the girls as wanted to see if they fancied me sober, and I was tired from the drink)

    Also someone once actually tried raping me, a drunk gay guy came up to me when I was 17 and sitting on a bench and he grabbed my head and tried forcing myself onto him, I was almost frozen with fear but managed to break away and run.
    Neither of the bolded things should have happened to you. I'm really sorry that that guy tried to assault you like that, I hope you know that he's a complete asshat and that you haven't been too miserable about it. As for staying over at your friend's and finding out that they'd been messing with your genitals while you were asleep, that is definitely non-consensual and they need to know it's NOT OKAY. Those people definitely deserve a HUGE telling off; I don't know where you get off thinking that playing with someone's penis while they're asleep is allowed.

    However, just because you've been sexually assaulted, doesn't mean that other incidences of sexual assault aren't assault.

    It's not rape if someone is thinking "hmm I'm not into this" but hasn't communicated that either verbally or through body language, like pushing the other person away. As soon as they verbalise that they don't want to, it becomes assault unless the other person stops as soon as they can. Consent/withdrawal of is something you do or say, not something you think.

    The incident spoken about in OP, from the information given, is rape. "Was made to continue perform oral sex after saying that I no longer wanted to" is rape. She didn't say "said I didn't want to, then was badgered, then gave in"; and unless she comes back and says something to that effect, let's just assume she's telling the truth and that it was rape.
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    (Original post by drbluebox)
    Some things should not automatically be seen as rape or potential rape and I see it more as intent, if she started screaming no and he continued I would see that as rape but I personally see it as the attitude he had and the force he used rather than just saying rape, it could be rape on paper, if a 18 year old bought a few cans of beer for someone 1 day away from their 18th birthday would you say they should get in trouble with the police? You have to think about the actions and consequences.

    Right lets get this straight, yes? If you stick a penis in someone and they are not consenting, whatever your intent it is seen as rape.

    Do you understand that?

    Buying alcohol illegally is completely different to sexually violating someone. A rape could have had the least force used in the world but its still rape and may still give the victim a lot of stress and trauma.


    Why is it ok to automatically demonize people and think the worst of them? This guy is scum from cheating and his actions during sex may make he worse.

    If a girl withdrew consent I would stop but I may unintentionally continue at first either not hearing or not taking it in.

    Depending on how long you didnt stop for you wouldnt be demonized for this, a couple of seconds no one is going to scream rapist at you, a couple of minutes then you are.

    I dont deny it shouldnt have happened I just think as a one off it could of been a accident or the guy just didnt realise,
    Then he needs to realise to prevent any more 'accidents'

    I dont think going to the police may be the best way, because nothing would ever be proven anyway.But by telling the new girl he's with maybe it will make him think what he did was wrong.
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    (Original post by kunoichi)
    Then he needs to realise to prevent any more 'accidents'

    I dont think going to the police may be the best way, because nothing would ever be proven anyway.But by telling the new girl he's with maybe it will make him think what he did was wrong.
    The point for me is it really could of been a accident, it is well known that during sex people get caught up in the moment, some of the shiest girls I know have been my exes but in the bedroom they have been more agressive and get caught up in the moment.

    On paper he is a rapist yes, so in that way he is a rapist but when I see rape I see it as more serious.

    And I do think its bad that the worst is assumed rather than potential innocence.

    This will be taken the wrong way but since it was a one off and he apologised it means he realised what he did was wrong.

    Thats what I am getting at, I like to look deeper for everything rather than go to the easiest conclusion, I had a friend who was regularly abused by his girlfriend to the point she would punch him in face and try and squeeze his privates tight(only in her home, in public it was just shouting) then she left him and took his child and told everyone he abused her and she was innocent and never hurt anyone in her life, he had to pay child support and was refused access to his kid and turned to drink and considering suicide.

    Now I am not saying OP is guilty of anything infact its a little more clear cut that the guy was scum but its not clear cut on the rape issue, it may be rape but it likely is more of a error from the guy who did not intend it to be rape, yes that still means its rape but we dont look at the bigger picture.
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    (Original post by drbluebox)
    The point for me is it really could of been a accident, it is well known that during sex people get caught up in the moment, some of the shiest girls I know have been my exes but in the bedroom they have been more agressive and get caught up in the moment.

    In my experience, usually both people get caught up in the moment, so there is no issue or it is pretty damn obvious when someone is trying to stop the other person, Even if a penis is in your mouth, pulling back, shaking your head, trying to push them away are pretty obvious signs and any guy who doesnt realise at that point is an idiot.

    On paper he is a rapist yes, so in that way he is a rapist but when I see rape I see it as more serious.

    It doesnt have to be violent to be serious or to have a traumatic effect on someone. This is what makes any rape serious. Even if its your husband, bf, gf whoever and without violence the trauma and after effects can still be serious. This girl says she was 'made' to do this. This means she had no other choice and has obviously upset her, what part of that isnt serious?

    And I do think its bad that the worst is assumed rather than potential innocence.

    This will be taken the wrong way but since it was a one off and he apologised it means he realised what he did was wrong.

    The guy who drags a girl down an alleyway and rapes her could still do it as a one off, it doesnt make it right. he could apologise after, it doesnt change what he did.

    Thats what I am getting at, I like to look deeper for everything rather than go to the easiest conclusion, I had a friend who was regularly abused by his girlfriend to the point she would punch him in face and try and squeeze his privates tight(only in her home, in public it was just shouting) then she left him and took his child and told everyone he abused her and she was innocent and never hurt anyone in her life, he had to pay child support and was refused access to his kid and turned to drink and considering suicide.

    Now I am not saying OP is guilty of anything infact its a little more clear cut that the guy was scum but its not clear cut on the rape issue, it may be rape but it likely is more of a error from the guy who did not intend it to be rape, yes that still means its rape but we dont look at the bigger picture.
    We cant look deeper into it as we only have literally what the OP has said.
    There is no evidence, so we just have to take it as its said.

    You say 'its still rape', yes so this guy has done something pretty serious then and rape is one of the few things that is never a mistake.

    Seriously, im not telling anyone to go and report him or anything, but using the words of OP which are the only ones we have and therefore should not be making up or assuming anything else, at least realise what this guy has done and why it is not right.
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    (Original post by kunoichi)
    We cant look deeper into it as we only have literally what the OP has said.
    There is no evidence, so we just have to take it as its said.

    You say 'its still rape', yes so this guy has done something pretty serious then and rape is one of the few things that is never a mistake.

    Seriously, im not telling anyone to go and report him or anything, but using the words of OP which are the only ones we have and therefore should not be making up or assuming anything else, at least realise what this guy has done and why it is not right.
    I knew you would bring up something like a guy dragging a girl down a alleyway to say it wasnt excused as it was a one off which is why I mentioned what I did.

    To me its about how serious is serious, and I do say what he did was not right but its serious in the way that doing any crime is serious but doesnt mean all crime should be treated the same, I dont think we should see rape in this sense as everything that can be called rape is the same thats all.

    If someone punched me on the street but just bloodied my nose but the experience scarred me far more than the guy did here would you see it as serious.

    To me its more of a slap on the wrists(a very heavy slap on the wrists) because its very bad and should not be done but I dont see it as severe as pulling a girl in a alleyway.
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    Here's a clue people, especially to women.

    If you have to be told you were raped, you weren't. All of you women who are calling the things in the OP 'rape' need to seriously reconsider what you are saying. Doing something you don't really want to does not constitute rape. Especially in the context of a relationship, especially in the context of a thing that had already been happenening, and especially in the context that the person let's it continue to happen.

    Could that be rape in some circumstances? Of course. But here? There's no reason to label it as such.

    OP is giving oral sex, and get's tired, doesn't want to. The BF encourages her to continue, tells her too etc, and she does. She then continues to have a sexual relationship with him. In what world is the first conclusion there that it was a rape? I've continued oral sex on a girl before only because I felt obliged to, was I raped? Part of the reason I once had sex with someone was because of emotional blackmail of a sort, was I sexually abused? No. Grow up. You people want to make people victims, you're not helping them, you're doing the opposite.
 
 
 
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