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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've always been poly but I've never had the chance to have a poly relationship. I'm in a monogamous relationship now and I love my boyfriend, but the whole thing doesn't make me happy. We've been together for two years, but I'm also in love with someone else at the moment who is in love with me too and would be up for a poly relationship. It would be perfect for me to have a relationship with both of them but my current boyfriend wouldn't agree with it. Have you ever been in a situation like that? what would you do?
    Sorry Ignore - I got confused between poster 1 & 2. Whoops.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The thing with poly, is that it is multiple love. I feel that I am capable of loving more than one person at one time without having feelings diminished for anyone else.

    For instance, I love my partner. Now if I date someone and fall in love, I don't love my partner any less. I have just grown my capacity to love.

    I personally have a primary relationship and that person is my priority and I am their priority. Which means that our relationship with each other always comes first.
    does that mean that your never going to get married or have children? as how could you get married to one but still love the others. Have some men stopped dating you once you explained the circumstances?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Good question

    Polygamy has some very negative connotations in the Western world. Mostly due to the Mormon extremists in the Western USA. It's something that most people try to distance themselves far away from.

    If polygamy and polyandry were legal would I consider it?....right now I don't think so, but I can't tell how I would feel in 20/30/40 years.

    I am in relationship with someone now, and have been for years. They are my 'primary' relationship which means they come first. So even though I am poly, I am committed to that primary partner just in a non-traditional way. They come first, their opinion comes first, we set out rules together, etc. If I see someone outside the relationship, it is with their full knowledge. If my primary partner was to suddenly not be ok with something, then we may decide to go back to monogamy for a period of weeks, months or years to strengthen our relationship.

    Would I want to commit to two or more people at once? That's a hard one, because on one hand, I can see myself living with more than one person but because I don't see commitment in the traditional, monogamous sense it doesn't makes sense to me to get married to multiple people when I already am committed to them. Kind of like those couples who never get married as it's 'just a piece of paper'. In terms of committing to someone for life though, yes I am capable of making that commitment.
    This concept is too much for me to get my head around, haha. Fair play to you for living the way you want, and I respect you put all the cards on the table at the onset.

    For me, personally, I don't think it's something I could do. I love my girlfriend and she loves me, I know right now neither of us are particularly jealous people, but I think that'd soon go out the window. Is your current partner the same orientation as you? I.e. does he/she go on dates with others, etc?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've always been poly but I've never had the chance to have a poly relationship. I'm in a monogamous relationship now and I love my boyfriend, but the whole thing doesn't make me happy. We've been together for two years, but I'm also in love with someone else at the moment who is in love with me too and would be up for a poly relationship. It would be perfect for me to have a relationship with both of them but my current boyfriend wouldn't agree with it. Have you ever been in a situation like that? what would you do?
    Hi, welcome to the thread. :hugs:

    Yes, I have felt like that. In fact, while with my current, long term partner when we were strictly monogamous I developed feelings for a co-worker.

    Now I would have loved to have had a relationship with both of them, and I knew my co-worker would have been on board, but I had never mentioned polyamory fully to my partner (I had discussed it in a round about way here and there).

    What I personally did was spent some time reading up about polyamory and deciding if this was really how I felt, or was it because I had a fleeting attraction to someone else. If you like, I can recommend some websites and books that you would probably find beneficial to read.

    So once I decided that I was polyamorous then I had to do something for the longevity of it. After all, if I wanted to start poly off on the right foot, for something that was going to last the rest of my life, then I didn't want to screw it up at the beginning because I was being selfish or couldn't control my feelings.

    So I told the co-worker I couldn't talk to him anymore and I had to spend some time concentrating on my relationship. It was then, when I cut ties with the co-worker that I broached the subject of poly with my partner. I had to do it when I had no agenda, no guy waiting in the wings, so my partner felt no pressure. Now my partner took a year to come around to the idea, which seems to be about average. But what's a year if it's the way you're living the rest of your life?

    No I undersand that cutting things off with your friend is hard. You could always be honest with him and tell him everything you've posted here and that you need some time. He may wait for you, especially if he loves you. Some people don't cut ties and it's when something like this crops up that they broach polyamoury with their partner. You know him best, so that\s up to you. Just remember one thing. You may have had years to come to terms with how you feel. Your partner won't have that luxury, so go at his pace and comfort level.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Coming 'out' as poly to my partner and some family members was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I have a lot of respect for people who are bisexual, gay, transgendered, etc and also polyamorous. It's not easing swimming against the tide in society.
    In my opinion I wouldn't say these things are the same. Again, this is just my opinion and I'm not trying to flame you, just sparking a debate.

    I feel that being gay, bi, trans, etc are all ingrained sexual orientations, whereas being poly seems to me to just be that you aren't anchored by the rules imposed by society as others. I mean, plenty of people repeatedly cheat on partners - other than the fact you say from the onset you are poly, I think, given the opportunity, most people would have their cake and eat it too. That is to say that I think that, if single, most men would/do openly have sex/relationships with several females (for example), it's just you carry it through to the relationship stage with multiple.

    What are your thoughts on this?
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    (Original post by GR3YFOXXX)
    Do your partners ever meet?

    How do they react?

    Are you sexually different with either partner? For example are you more adventurous with your primary partner? Is their anything you would do with your primary partner but not your auxiliary?
    I would have no problem meeting with someone my partner was seeing, but he never wants to meet anyone I'm seeing so I respect that.

    If I were to meet someone my partner was seeing, honestly speaking, I would check her out and make sure she's in in for the right reasons, she's not going to hurt my partner. Of course I would do the girl thing of 'is she prettier than me'. I'm not perfect

    Personally yes, I am different sexually with each partner. Just like a monogamous person is probably sexually different with different relationships as time goes on. Not hugely different, but there are definitely some things I do that are just between my partner and I that I wouldn't do with anyone else. I think it's important to have that too.
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    (Original post by odkfn)
    In my opinion I wouldn't say these things are the same. Again, this is just my opinion and I'm not trying to flame you, just sparking a debate.

    I feel that being gay, bi, trans, etc are all ingrained sexual orientations, whereas being poly seems to me to just be that you aren't anchored by the rules imposed by society as others. I mean, plenty of people repeatedly cheat on partners - other than the fact you say from the onset you are poly, I think, given the opportunity, most people would have their cake and eat it too. That is to say that I think that, if single, most men would/do openly have sex/relationships with several females (for example), it's just you carry it through to the relationship stage with multiple.

    What are your thoughts on this?
    I know this wasn't addressed to me, but I'd argue that polyamory can be just as deep-seated. I'd always imagined I'd never have a long-term relationship with anybody, as I simply couldn't imagine being with one person and that being it. It wasn't till I realised I could find other people who were willing to have multiple partners that I felt comfortable with having any kind of relationship at all.
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    (Original post by SillyMilly)
    does that mean that your never going to get married or have children? as how could you get married to one but still love the others. Have some men stopped dating you once you explained the circumstances?
    Mn haven't stopped dating me because of it, because I explain myself before the first date. I'm honest to a fault. I wouldn't feel comfortable going on even a first date if they didn't know where I was coming from. It seems like leading people on to me.

    I could marry and have children with a primary partner. For me, I would only ever have children with that one primary partner. Some poly people have children by different people in their group. That's not something I would do personally.

    Marriage, to a poly person is making a commitment to spend the rest of your life with that person. It doesn't mean that I love them less because I am ethically non-manogamous also. Poly people are very committed, which I know sounds backwards to someone monogamous. Yes we love more than one person at a time, but we become quite committed to those people with very trusting relationships.
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    I know this wasn't addressed to me, but I'd argue that polyamory can be just as deep-seated. I'd always imagined I'd never have a long-term relationship with anybody, as I simply couldn't imagine being with one person and that being it. It wasn't till I realised I could find other people who were willing to have multiple partners that I felt comfortable with having any kind of relationship at all.
    Feel free to answer anything, don't worry!
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    (Original post by odkfn)
    In my opinion I wouldn't say these things are the same. Again, this is just my opinion and I'm not trying to flame you, just sparking a debate.

    I feel that being gay, bi, trans, etc are all ingrained sexual orientations, whereas being poly seems to me to just be that you aren't anchored by the rules imposed by society as others. I mean, plenty of people repeatedly cheat on partners - other than the fact you say from the onset you are poly, I think, given the opportunity, most people would have their cake and eat it too. That is to say that I think that, if single, most men would/do openly have sex/relationships with several females (for example), it's just you carry it through to the relationship stage with multiple.

    What are your thoughts on this?
    In that reply I wasn't comparing the two but saying I have respect for people who are poly and have other things going on.

    I can definitely see how poly comes across as 'free-love' and doing away with social boundaries and a choice. I would probably say for some people it is, especially the types who go into poly as a guise just to cheat.

    For most polyamorous people, it is a deep seated issue. You feel caged and suffocated in a monogamous relationship even if it is an amazing one. I personally had a lot of hate for myself coming to terms with being poly, I hated that I couldn't just be happy and 'normal' like everyone else. I never felt 100% happy and and I felt judged and marginalised by society.

    Is it the same? I've no idea. I'm straight so I can't really draw those kind of comparisons. I only know my own experiences. It is an interesting point of discussion though.
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    I know that I could never be polyamorous... even if soceity deemed it acceptable, I'd find that being committed in a relationship with one person is enough work as it is! I probably wouldn't continue to date someone if I found they were polyamorous either, so your husband is a real sweetheart.

    Say a polyamorous, previously single girl was about to enter a relationship with a boy, who is also poly. Would he automatically be her primary partner? What if he himself already had a primary?

    What are the reasons that you have broken up with your poly partners before? Is the breakup easier to handle, because you potentially have 1 or 2 other boyfriends to spend time with? How do your remaining partners normally feel about the breakup?
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    (Original post by superwolf)
    I know this wasn't addressed to me, but I'd argue that polyamory can be just as deep-seated. I'd always imagined I'd never have a long-term relationship with anybody, as I simply couldn't imagine being with one person and that being it. It wasn't till I realised I could find other people who were willing to have multiple partners that I felt comfortable with having any kind of relationship at all.
    I can see where you're coming from, I guess. My point was that most people who could happily be in a single-partner relationship could probably be in a multiple partner relationship too if the opportunity arose.

    If you're poly, does that mean you don't get jealous of your partner if they had multiple partners, or?!
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    (Original post by odkfn)
    This concept is too much for me to get my head around, haha. Fair play to you for living the way you want, and I respect you put all the cards on the table at the onset.

    For me, personally, I don't think it's something I could do. I love my girlfriend and she loves me, I know right now neither of us are particularly jealous people, but I think that'd soon go out the window. Is your current partner the same orientation as you? I.e. does he/she go on dates with others, etc?
    It definitely is very 'out there' to most people, don't worry. I've had the equivalent of a door slammed in my face a few times by monogamous people when I tell them.

    My current partner is straight, he is not currently seeing anyone but I'm hoping he will soon. He's an amazing person, and as a polyamorous person, I love seeing him happy. I guess that just comes from having a very secure relationship.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    In that reply I wasn't comparing the two but saying I have respect for people who are poly and have other things going on.

    I can definitely see how poly comes across as 'free-love' and doing away with social boundaries and a choice. I would probably say for some people it is, especially the types who go into poly as a guise just to cheat.

    For most polyamorous people, it is a deep seated issue. You feel caged and suffocated in a monogamous relationship even if it is an amazing one. I personally had a lot of hate for myself coming to terms with being poly, I hated that I couldn't just be happy and 'normal' like everyone else. I never felt 100% happy and and I felt judged and marginalised by society.

    Is it the same? I've no idea. I'm straight so I can't really draw those kind of comparisons. I only know my own experiences. It is an interesting point of discussion though.
    You make a good point, I see where you're coming from.

    I guess it sucks to be poly as the world is pretty much designed for mono couples, i.e. some things you need joint bank accounts, parenting, many legal things, etc.

    As I asked another Poly above: Does being poly make you slightly immune to jealousy, or are you are vulnerable as the rest of us?
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    Interesting thread. I have been kind of polyamorous for a while without any real intention or drive to be so. I've just always felt that the inclination to be bound emotionally and physically to a singular person is merely a product of societal conditioning, to me it just makes little sense that humans, as socially and psychologically complex creatures would choose to limit their potential for growth, psychologically, sexually and emotionally, by restricting themselves to 'the one' that they trick themselves into believing is perfect for them. Of the billions of people in the world, the odds are that there will always be someone better suited to your personal idiosyncrasies and unique foibles.

    That's my take on relationships. Being that I find marriage archaic and pointless, I can't really comment on how marriage and offspring would fit into the equation.
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    What if you start dating someone else and end up loving them so much that you want to have children with them and put them above everyone else instead of your primary?
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    Have you ever been spit-roasted by 2 partners?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks

    Yes I was in a committed, monogamous relationship when I first came out as poly. In fact, the one I am in now as I have been with my partner for several years. My partner took a year to fully understand and come to terms with the idea, but was then ok, accepting and interested. In this year, I stayed totally monogamous as I always had done and always answered questions truthfully and never become defensive. It was hard on both sides. I cried a lot over how I felt, feeling that there was something wrong with me, worried about how people would feel, if people would judge me...I even questioned if I was unhappy in the relationship and we should break up.

    I went to a support group at a local LGBT centre near my house. I drove there, having a meltdown on the way thinking about having to vocalise how I felt because that would make it more real. I sat in the car and cried for a few minutes, pulled myself together and then, sitting in the car park realised I was a day early and the meeting was until the next day Not my finest moment! But an important thing to understand, that poly people aren't just people who want to 'cheat with permission'. We are very conscious of how we feel and how we make others feel.

    I'm 'out' to my siblings who were very supportive, my sister especially. They asked a few questions and we chatted a bit about it and that was it.

    I'm not out to my parents and I don't know if I ever will be. I live a very separate life from them both and I don't feel I need their approval. Plus I have that fear of being a disappointment to them.

    Friends I'm not out to all of them yet, but luckily I have a great group of friends who, if I told would probably say 'yeah, we guessed'.
    Interesting thread. This one kind of half answered mine.

    You mentioned you are not 'out' to your parents, but you are to your siblings. What about other people? Work colleagues etc? Would you mention that you were if it came up in conversation or are you guarded about it?

    Have you faced any discrimination or similar because of it?
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    (Original post by odkfn)
    I can see where you're coming from, I guess. My point was that most people who could happily be in a single-partner relationship could probably be in a multiple partner relationship too if the opportunity arose.

    If you're poly, does that mean you don't get jealous of your partner if they had multiple partners, or?!
    This is true, but then to some people's thinking most straight people might become bisexual on meeting the right person - sexuality's rarely a clear cut thing, and polyamory's just part of the whole general mishmash.

    Personally I've never got jealous, however I believe this to be quite unusual. I'm very happy for either of my partners to be with other people as well - the only time I've come at all close to what you might call jealousy is when there was a girl my main partner was sleeping with who seemed a little possessive and refused to meet me, however I think I was more upset at not meeting someone who was becoming a part of his life than being jealous towards her. Since then she's decided she can't do being part of a polyamorous relationship, so now they're just friends for the most part.
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    (Original post by odkfn)
    You make a good point, I see where you're coming from.

    I guess it sucks to be poly as the world is pretty much designed for mono couples, i.e. some things you need joint bank accounts, parenting, many legal things, etc.

    As I asked another Poly above: Does being poly make you slightly immune to jealousy, or are you are vulnerable as the rest of us?
    The thing that I find sucky with poly is living in a small town and not being able to hold your dates hand in public because everyone knows your partner and you don't necessarily want the whole world to know your business. I mean, I live in an area where my best friend left her car in my driveway while on holiday and the whole neighbourhood had a rumouring going around that I was cheating on my partner while he was away from home. :rolleyes:

    I'm definitely not immune to jealously, however I think I do find it slightly easier for a couple of reasons...

    1. My partner and I laid down ground rules that made us both feel secure and we had equal say in it.

    2. With a polyamorous relationship you have to be open and honest, morseso that some monogamous relationships. For instance, if my partner has a friend who is female who is texting him and I ask who it is, he doesn't feel the need to get defensive, hide his phone, etc because he knows that I don't mind and I know he doesn't lie to me. You definitely have to always have an open dialogue and good communication, even if sometimes you really don't want to.
 
 
 
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