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Feel that my gf's going to 'inevitably' grow beyond me and leave me watch

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    (Original post by Riku)
    It's not about the working out as such, it's also the careers and the social success. Simply put she is upping a league and I am not, if I don't hurry up soon I fear she's going to leave
    I'm really beginning to think this is a relationship that shouldn't work out anyway. You sound bad for each other.
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    (Original post by Riku)
    It's not about the working out as such, it's also the careers and the social success. Simply put she is upping a league and I am not, if I don't hurry up soon I fear she's going to leave
    Relationships don't work in leagues. Even though I've never had one even I still know that.

    If she likes you/loves you she will stay in the relationship

    If she begins to hate you, she will leave.

    If she furthers her career, she will stay in the relationship

    If she becomes more sociable, she will stay in the relationship

    2+2=4
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    (Original post by Riku)
    It's not about the working out as such, it's also the careers and the social success. Simply put she is upping a league and I am not, if I don't hurry up soon I fear she's going to leave
    You can't be 'socially successful', that is the least measurable thing ever. If your happy with you're social life as it stands then you are socially successful.


    Career wise it depends some measure success by money, seniority blah. but personally I think you're happy in and good at the job you do you're successful in your career, no matter what it is.
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    Whatever you do, don't tell/hint to her that it's what you think. That's what you call a self fulfilling prophecy. I know a girl doing a phD and dating a guy who's graduated and has been unemployed for a few years and they're fine together. As long as you're confident in yourself and she enjoys YOUR company, then I think you'll be fine. If you give her signs that you're constantly worried, she won't enjoy your company anymore.
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    (Original post by Dragonfly07)
    Whatever you do, don't tell/hint to her that it's what you think. That's what you call a self fulfilling prophecy. I know a girl doing a phD and dating a guy who's graduated and has been unemployed for a few years and they're fine together. As long as you're confident in yourself and she enjoys YOUR company, then I think you'll be fine. If you give her signs that you're constantly worried, she won't enjoy your company anymore.
    Well I'm not going to be confident in myself when she has options and I have the option of getting laughed at by 12 year olds for having a panic attack, am I?
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    (Original post by Robbie242)
    Relationships don't work in leagues. Even though I've never had one even I still know that.

    If she likes you/loves you she will stay in the relationship

    If she begins to hate you, she will leave.

    If she furthers her career, she will stay in the relationship

    If she becomes more sociable, she will stay in the relationship

    2+2=4
    Of course they do, if you don't pull your weight then what good am I?
    I'd like emotional support but she is an attractive girl, she could easily have most other guys. I'm an average Joe
    If she continues to improve and I do not follow suit quickly, she will slowly see me as more of a loser and eventually move on to a more successful person. Simple as that.



    (Original post by Robbie242)
    Relationships don't work in leagues. Even though I've never had one even I still know that.

    If she likes you/loves you she will stay in the relationship

    If she begins to hate you, she will leave.

    If she furthers her career, she will stay in the relationship

    If she becomes more sociable, she will stay in the relationship

    2+2=4
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    (Original post by Le Nombre)
    You can't be 'socially successful', that is the least measurable thing ever. If your happy with you're social life as it stands then you are socially successful.


    Career wise it depends some measure success by money, seniority blah. but personally I think you're happy in and good at the job you do you're successful in your career, no matter what it is.
    I am nearly 21 and doing mediocre at my degree due to my anxiety and rumiantion habits making me feel god-awful and excuses
    I work a part-time job in retail and most of the people there hate me even though I try to be friendly and ask them how they're doing. Some of them are genuinely scared of me (as in, 'stay back, he's a psycho' scared)
    I'm not overweight but not much of a looker
    Most of my friends now regard me as a figure of abject pity. They cannot understand why I can't drink/don't go out much etc.

    She is a 19-year old attractive young woman in second year of an intense science course
    She is very bubbly and sociable and has lots of female and male friends
    She also does voluntarya nd is about to be nominated for an extracurricular regional science and enterprise aware as well as doing studenta dvocacy worki and a place on the committee

    I really do not think I am pulling my weight
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    (Original post by Riku)
    I am nearly 21 and doing mediocre at my degree due to my anxiety and rumiantion habits making me feel god-awful and excuses
    I work a part-time job in retail and most of the people there hate me even though I try to be friendly and ask them how they're doing. Some of them are genuinely scared of me (as in, 'stay back, he's a psycho' scared)
    I'm not overweight but not much of a looker
    Most of my friends now regard me as a figure of abject pity. They cannot understand why I can't drink/don't go out much etc.

    She is a 19-year old attractive young woman in second year of an intense science course
    She is very bubbly and sociable and has lots of female and male friends
    She also does voluntarya nd is about to be nominated for an extracurricular regional science and enterprise aware as well as doing studenta dvocacy worki and a place on the committee

    I really do not think I am pulling my weight
    Most people do averagely in their degree, it's why everyone has a 2.1 these days, unless she has a particular lust for a First (be an odd desre to be honest) it's no issues.

    I doubt that, it's just part time work, no one cares enough about it to hate any of their colleagues.

    Well have a chat and try and explain it to them. It seems pretty obvious why you can't to me, I'm sure your friends aren't idiots they'll understand if you explain to them.

    If there are aspects of your life you're unhappy with change them for yourself, but don't change them because you think that's what your gf would like. And if your anxiety issues are really getting in the way of that go and see your GP.
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    Had a really nice date to mark our half-anniversary yesterday, faith in myself as a good boyfriend is restored

    There are still bits and bobs I'd like to change about myself for the better though
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Having a bad day

    Started worrying about my girlfriend becoming more successful/popular than me (a lot more career-driven), feel like she's going to one-up me and move on

    I'm happy for her success but it's threatening. If she improves and I don't then logically she'd move on to a better guy :/
    I don't know your girlfriend and what she might personally want, but I do know that some girls are not very bothered about their partners being career-driven, successful or popular, even if the girl is those things herself. Just as long as he's happy, earning an honest living and being a good person, then that's all that matters to some girls.

    Have you had a talk to your girlfriend about these worries of yours? If not, you probably should do, as it might help confirm whether your fears are true or false, and she can also support you through your insecurities.
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Because I would need to considerably improve for her if I were to stll be her equal. For example, get a managerial position, or a six-pack, or make myself a super popular guy. And if I don't improve, it would be natural and logical (certainly from an evolutionary perspective) to 'upgrade' her partner i.e. be done with me.
    It's not that we should be exactly the same but we should be shooting in roughly the same league
    Either that or I buck up and start working on improving myself bigtime, although my whole life has been about improving myself lol

    (not sure when I conformed to this notion of a social hierarchy)
    Self improvement isn't a bad thing, and that sounds to me like something you need to do. I say this not because I think you need to prove yourself to your girlfriend, but because you obviously lack the self-esteem which is leading you to have these probably ill-founded worries. Unless she is extremely shallow, I doubt she has even noticed that she's "going up in the world" - whatever that's supposed to mean. It sounds to me like she just has a different set of a friends and a busy schedule, but she probably doesn't consider herself to have changed at all from when you were together at school (or wherever).

    If she does go off with another guy, then I can't see it as your fault. Popularity is relative and you don't need to be popular to be the best you can be.
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    (Original post by Rascacielos)
    Self improvement isn't a bad thing, and that sounds to me like something you need to do. I say this not because I think you need to prove yourself to your girlfriend, but because you obviously lack the self-esteem which is leading you to have these probably ill-founded worries. Unless she is extremely shallow, I doubt she has even noticed that she's "going up in the world" - whatever that's supposed to mean. It sounds to me like she just has a different set of a friends and a busy schedule, but she probably doesn't consider herself to have changed at all from when you were together at school (or wherever).

    If she does go off with another guy, then I can't see it as your fault. Popularity is relative and you don't need to be popular to be the best you can be.
    Perhaps I do need to improve. I've always felt I need to improve though, and it seems like that's one of the big things men are taught. If you are not the best, you'll be eaten by someone else higher up the food chain in whatever way. Life is intensely competitive and I hate it. I struggle to trust because I think everyone's just trying to snag the best they can off people

    I still feel a bit insecure about her best other male friend. I'm sure he's a sound guy but his nickname 'Superman' ribs me, a lot. I keep reading lots of double entendres into it, and he comes up quite a bit in conversation (because naturally as they're in the same class, she spends a lot of time with him)

    That and the fact she has male friends, I don't have any close female friends, again reminds me she has options and I don't.
    I don't like the fact she has all the power, I'd like it to be more equal
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    (Original post by CherryCherryBoomBoom)
    I don't know your girlfriend and what she might personally want, but I do know that some girls are not very bothered about their partners being career-driven, successful or popular, even if the girl is those things herself. Just as long as he's happy, earning an honest living and being a good person, then that's all that matters to some girls.

    Have you had a talk to your girlfriend about these worries of yours? If not, you probably should do, as it might help confirm whether your fears are true or false, and she can also support you through your insecurities.
    I'm worried to talk about this because I think subconsciously it will lower her attraction to me. She always goes on about how much she digged my (apparent) self-assuredness in college, so I get the impression she wants that me back. I feel I'm letting her down when I talk about my feelings, and besides, men aren't supposed to talk or think about feelings, they're supposed to deal with them
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    remind her that your there , take her out, give her flowers ........
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    (Original post by Just Another Girly)
    remind her that your there , take her out, give her flowers ........
    I do all this, I just paid for our half-anniversary date and got her flowers, gig tickets etc.
    How much I prove myself will never be enough for me because I always think I should have done better, and the whole male culture confirms that

    It doesn't really matter what I do because the fact is at any moment she could go off with any other guy she wanted.
    It's not that I don't love her it's just that I find it hard to trust people these days (God knows why I give out so much personal info to randomers on the internet)
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    It sounds like you lack self confidence. Maybe you should get that six pack and start the gym, transform yourself for yourself. For your confidence. Not for her.

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    (Original post by Himynameskiefer)
    It sounds like you lack self confidence. Maybe you should get that six pack and start the gym, transform yourself for yourself. For your confidence. Not for her.

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    I spoke to my dad about this and he said it's about accepting who you are. Why is it always 'get a six pack'?
    And are you implicitly saying I won't be good enough until I have a six-pack? Because I have a fun history with that mentality
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    (Original post by Riku)
    I do all this, I just paid for our half-anniversary date and got her flowers, gig tickets etc.
    How much I prove myself will never be enough for me because I always think I should have done better, and the whole male culture confirms that

    It doesn't really matter what I do because the fact is at any moment she could go off with any other guy she wanted.
    It's not that I don't love her it's just that I find it hard to trust people these days (God knows why I give out so much personal info to randomers on the internet)
    You've had a lot of very sensible advice in the past few days yet seem determined to ignore it. I think your self-esteem issues are sufficiently serious to warrant getting some counselling. There is nothing objectively wrong, this is all in your head.

    Blaming 'male culture' is not the answer: we live in a world where men and women face all sorts of conflicting pressures but we just need to get on with it.

    My suspicion is that there must be something quite serious at the root of your anxiety and you should consider whether professional support might be better than TSR.

    There's no shame is feeling overwhelmed or asking for help. Just be honest and do everything you can to stay positive and optimistic. Perhaps working out why you feel so untrusting would be a good way to overcome it - I suspect you might have had some disappointments or abandonment in childhood that could be causing this. Take a deep breath and assume your perspective can change with time. Good luck.
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    (Original post by Lotus_Eater)
    You've had a lot of very sensible advice in the past few days yet seem determined to ignore it. I think your self-esteem issues are sufficiently serious to warrant getting some counselling. There is nothing objectively wrong, this is all in your head.

    Blaming 'male culture' is not the answer: we live in a world where men and women face all sorts of conflicting pressures but we just need to get on with it.

    My suspicion is that there must be something quite serious at the root of your anxiety and you should consider whether professional support might be better than TSR.

    There's no shame is feeling overwhelmed or asking for help. Just be honest and do everything you can to stay positive and optimistic. Perhaps working out why you feel so untrusting would be a good way to overcome it - I suspect you might have had some disappointments or abandonment in childhood that could be causing this. Take a deep breath and assume your perspective can change with time. Good luck.
    Sorry I'm trying to listen, I'll be seeing my counsellor tomorrow
    I must have some trust issues
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    (Original post by Riku)
    I do all this, I just paid for our half-anniversary date and got her flowers, gig tickets etc.
    How much I prove myself will never be enough for me because I always think I should have done better, and the whole male culture confirms that

    It doesn't really matter what I do because the fact is at any moment she could go off with any other guy she wanted.
    It's not that I don't love her it's just that I find it hard to trust people these days (God knows why I give out so much personal info to randomers on the internet)
    relax
    Your scared of something that could have happened when she was less confident but look shes still woth you. If your truly scatrd then do something about it, get more involved

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