Feel my relationship is threatened by my girlfriend's best guy friend. A bit jealous Watch

Riku
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#41
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#41
(Original post by jazzykinks)
My dear Riku: members of the opposite sex can be friends. I reckon that if you continue to let your insecurities dominate you and the relationship, she will leave you. Not because of Superman, but because it's a lot for someone to deal with. I know that if things came down to it, I would dump a guy if he asked me to choose between him and my friends. x

(Original post by Treeroy)
Riku, I'm sure I say this to you in every thread of yours - your worrying is going to damage (and possibly even end) your relationship. If your girlfriend thinks you don't trust her then she will feel less inclined towards you.

Also, if you love her because of her integrity to her beliefs, then if she goes against those beliefs, that isn't something you want anyway so you probably shouldn't be with her in that case.

Finally, please remember that girls do have guy friends. I have quite a few really close friends who are girls. (Though that may be cause I'm gay, but even so)
Agree with you both of course she's allowed to have friends, even guy friends. It's her life., not mine. I don't want her to have to make any choice like that.
But I think it's a reasonable request that unless we've stated an open relationship, she is not really allowed to be going into any of her guy 'friend's' pants. Or kissing with tongues, or groping each other, etc. If that happened, I'd feel she betrayed our intimate relationship and just wanted a booty call.
Of course that probably won't happen just as it's unlikely that the mirror in the bathroom broke today as part of God's punishment on me to give me 7 years of bad luck
I struggle to trust, hence the reassurance cycle

(Original post by McFlury)
By the sounds of it I don't think you have anything to worry about, you do need to trust her more rather than getting paranoid and thinking the worst, this will only push her away. From your description of her and how understanding she has been about your anxiety disorder, I do not believe that she would betray you, she knows what that would do to you and I don't think she would string you along until "superman" is single either. Worst case scenario she would break up with you if she had stronger feelings for him but she doesn't seem like the type of person who would cheat, especially on somebody who she does seem to genuinely love. For the record, I don't think that is very likely either.
You don'#t think it's very likely that she'd break up with me for him/is stringing me along, or not very likely she loves me?
But thank you, this is one of the nicer responses I've had while still being down to earth
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Treeroy
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#42
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#42
(Original post by Riku)
I struggle to trust
Yes, that is pretty obvious. You actually remind me of a friend who has Asperger's, you're looking into things too deeply and worrying too much about this.
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desdemonata
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#43
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(Original post by Riku)
I don't think they're trolling me...
I think they genuinely believe that all women want is a quick shag with a hot guy, and thats what she's after.
I can't agree with them since I respect her, just hope she doesn't betray those principles.
Then that's their own bias talking anyway. Being so cynical isn't healthy either.

Also what I meant was that they probably haven't seen other threads of yours and probably don't realise to what extent it's just your insecurities talking. You really are insulting your girlfriend every time you doubt her over nothing and almost seem to expect her to hurt you...
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McFlury
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(Original post by Riku)
You don'#t think it's very likely that she'd break up with me for him/is stringing me along, or not very likely she loves me?
But thank you, this is one of the nicer responses I've had while still being down to earth
Yes, I don't think it's very likely that she'd break up with you or string you along. She sounds like she DOES love you.

I agree as well, some of the other comments are not very nice and to be honest I don't think they are very helpful, they will only make you more paranoid which is only going to make things worse. You know her very well, none of us do, so it up to you to judge what you think she will do.
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1219269
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#45
You're call but I don't think you're In a healthy relationship :/ you really need to silence your doubts or it'll ruin it


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IlexBlue
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#46
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(Original post by Riku)
If she does this she will know she is setting me up for even worse anxiety issues than I already have (and she knows about)
she will destroy my faith in love for a long time (I come from a divorced family)
and she will betray her own faith, which she strongly upholds

If shebreaks up with me, that would be OK. But if she cheats on me then all the above.
You're very, very, very insecure in this relationship, and to an unhealthy degree. You don't seem to trust her, you don't feel good enough for her, you come across as very needy and in need of reassurance and you're holding on all the harder for all its worth - sooner or later she will start feeling suffocated. I'd already be put off if it were me, to be perfectly honest.

You need to end it, because there's little to no chance of this relationship panning out well. It's almost becoming emotionally manipulative on your end.
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Riku
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#47
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(Original post by IlexBlue)
You're very, very, very insecure in this relationship, and to an unhealthy degree. You don't seem to trust her, you don't feel good enough for her, you come across as very needy and in need of reassurance and you're holding on all the harder for all its worth - sooner or later she will start feeling suffocated. I'd already be put off if it were me, to be perfectly honest.

You need to end it, because there's little to no chance of this relationship panning out well. It's almost becoming emotionally manipulative on your end.


I haven't said all that bit to her. That's the absolute worst extreme, my ultra-cynical and pretty derogatory 'all women are *****es' belief which I reckon has come from not knowing why my parents broke up.
Obviously I only tell TSR the bad points because that's where I need help.
I must be very insecure in general. I wouldn't be surprised, I need to go back to my CBT. I'm still struggling to realise that having this problem doesn't make me less of a person.


I'm sorry Lexy, I know you're trying to help and you have a lot. But I'm staying in this, I guess I'm selfish then. It's both our first relationships. She says she loves me, she's happy with me and I have to trust that, and I love her. Frankly I should know better on the status of my relationship than TSR does! Or at least my close friends or family should know better than TSR, even if not me.

Am I really holding on that hard? I never said she can't be with friends. I never said all this to her face, it wasn't necessary. I'm glad she has lots of friends.


I do trust her despite these worries-I trust her a lot more than most girls I could have dated. If I don't trust her, it's only because as said, I struggle to trust anything and anyone. You could say this relationship is a test of trust. This is the biggest blip in trust I've had in it.
If I can recognise the jealousy and suspicion as characteristic of my anxiety rather than the truth, I can hopefully discard it.
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Riku
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#48
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(Original post by Treeroy)
Yes, that is pretty obvious. You actually remind me of a friend who has Asperger's, you're looking into things too deeply and worrying too much about this.
Really?
That's interesting, they were considering testing me for some degree of autism too
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Riku
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#49
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(Original post by desdemonata)
Then that's their own bias talking anyway. Being so cynical isn't healthy either.

Also what I meant was that they probably haven't seen other threads of yours and probably don't realise to what extent it's just your insecurities talking. You really are insulting your girlfriend every time you doubt her over nothing and almost seem to expect her to hurt you...

(Original post by McFlury)
Yes, I don't think it's very likely that she'd break up with you or string you along. She sounds like she DOES love you.

I agree as well, some of the other comments are not very nice and to be honest I don't think they are very helpful, they will only make you more paranoid which is only going to make things worse. You know her very well, none of us do, so it up to you to judge what you think she will do.
Why have 9 people repped shiggydiggy saying she's going to grow distant from me?...
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Midlander
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(Original post by Riku)
Why have 9 people repped shiggydiggy saying she's going to grow distant from me?...
Because 'she's cheating on you' or words to that effect are the standard responses to a lot of threads on this forum. How is this 'superman' guy around other women? How is he around his own girlfriend?
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Riku
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#51
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(Original post by Midlander)
Because 'she's cheating on you' or words to that effect are the standard responses to a lot of threads on this forum. How is this 'superman' guy around other women? How is he around his own girlfriend?
Ah :P I'm terrible at getting jokes. Or they made a terrible joke by suggesting this.
I've never met his girlfriend but tbh, I'd assume he was quite faithful. He teased my gf in a friendly way, but there was no touching. Most of the banter was friendly (playing Mario Kart). No actual innuendos on his part or anything truly flirtatious. Also, my gf is quite excitable, so she laughs at most things :P
There's also the possibility that 'hotter and hotter' referred to the pub actually being ****ing roasting, and them having had lectures in really hot rooms together (and she's told me she was in a stupidly hot lecture and she couldn't concentrate. I could assume this is code for they just had a sweaty session of sex together, but when her lecture's an hour long and his house is 5 miles away I think we're veering back into tinfoil hat territory. Unless he flew her there...:P
She wore a dress, but she asked me the night before what one to wear. She then told me she wasn't wearing that that night but was 'saving it for somewhere quiter '

Really it's safe to say I'm becoming intensely paranoid about her having a good time which is just my underlying anxiety and distrust of people/especially romantic relationships coming out
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jazzykinks
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#52
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(Original post by Riku)
Why have 9 people repped shiggydiggy saying she's going to grow distant from me?...
Because she will. You're smothering the relationship with paranoia and insecurity. Everyone has a little of both but you're taking it to the extreme. Sooner or later it's going to be a strain on the relationship.
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Riku
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#53
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(Original post by jazzykinks)
Because she will. You're smothering the relationship with paranoia and insecurity. Everyone has a little of both but you're taking it to the extreme. Sooner or later it's going to be a strain on the relationship.
The way he said it made it sounds inevitable. If I know anything in life, it's that nothing is certain and you've just got to take the chance so I'll take the (strong) chance that when she says ILY she really means it

Better?
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Quilt
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You should stop expecting the worst from her Riku, she is YOUR girlfriend, she chose you and chooses to stay with you. In all honestly, I think that if she was genuinely interested in this Superman guy, she'd flirt with him behind your back and not right in front of your face and while you're there. Clearly she means nothing by it, otherwise it would be a secret from you, right?

As far as suggestions go, whilst reading your post what I thought was that if this guy is interested in the same things as you why don't you make him one of your friends as well as hers, so instead of "her guy friend", he can be your mutual friend who she clearly gets along with and you have a fair bit in common with? You can't suspect anything of him just from being a friendly character. And as you said, he has a girlfriend.

If your girlfriend was going to cheat on you or had cheated on you with this guy, no way would she let you be around each other! I'm pretty sure you're safe.

Good luck
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Riku
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(Original post by Quilt)
You should stop expecting the worst from her Riku, she is YOUR girlfriend, she chose you and chooses to stay with you. In all honestly, I think that if she was genuinely interested in this Superman guy, she'd flirt with him behind your back and not right in front of your face and while you're there. Clearly she means nothing by it, otherwise it would be a secret from you, right?

As far as suggestions go, whilst reading your post what I thought was that if this guy is interested in the same things as you why don't you make him one of your friends as well as hers, so instead of "her guy friend", he can be your mutual friend who she clearly gets along with and you have a fair bit in common with? You can't suspect anything of him just from being a friendly character. And as you said, he has a girlfriend.

If your girlfriend was going to cheat on you or had cheated on you with this guy, no way would she let you be around each other! I'm pretty sure you're safe.

Good luck
Yeah, she wanted to introduce me, and she talks about me to him all the time, and she says that he thinks I sound pretty cool. I don't know what his impression was when we met though. But he seems a nice guy so I'm going to try and give him the benefit of the doubt

There's actually a whole host of reasons why I think she's going to leave me. The most recent one is I'm stressed about my upcoming assignments for third year, getting tired as a result (and get tired quite easily) and that's not very attractive. I feel like women would hold it against me for admitting to being stressed and struggling to handle it, guys are supposed top handle things right?
I'm told I'm really quite hard on myself despite trying my best
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jazzykinks
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(Original post by Riku)
The way he said it made it sounds inevitable. If I know anything in life, it's that nothing is certain and you've just got to take the chance so I'll take the (strong) chance that when she says ILY she really means it

Better?
It isn't inevitable. You can always turn the situation around.

Much better! x
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You seem possessive, overly controlling, depressed, obsessed, clingy, anxious... or maybe exaggerating
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eagleclawsan
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(Original post by Riku)
1) I seem to struggle with the concept that people aren't necessarily 'better', just different.
Possibly to do with the fact Western culture is incredibly materialist and hierarchical.

2) I am doing that, a degree. I'm doing an English and History degree at a Russell Group uni, same as the one she goes to. One of my thoughts was to go into primary school teaching after or post-grad, touch wood.

My anxiety's left me with increased social anxiety (ironically over having to hide my anxiety i.e. the fact I'm 'mental') which is why I withdrew to TSR in the first place actually. (Well specifically, I thought I couldn't move very far orI'd have a heart attack, so I got stuck sitting down on the computer a lot; now the health anxiety is still there but not as severe, it's the shame of my disorder which has made me withdraw from some friends. Not all thankfully

I had a few dreams I wanted to chase such as a band, but have now realised that I'm one of the least likely people to survive the rock'n'roll lifestyle. I mean I don't even drink much ffs. I've also recently had to sell my drum kit so need to reconsider that.
For now I'm basically singing cover songs to myself, in the shower :P it's therapeutic

I'd agree I probs need to do i more still though
One of my favourite things to do was exercise and the gym. Unfortunately having had anxiety-related eating problems in the past (much less so now), I can't do that now without feeling guilty. I keep asking for reassurance that it's OK that I'm going to do whatever because I don't want to be sent back to the Eating Disorder service for a third time.

There are quite a few things to consider.

3) It sounds like you know what it's like :hugs:
I'm working on stopping the thoughts. If it makes sense there are certain things which I can just dismiss as silly (like 'someone's going to come take me away and lock me up', whereas others still seem to hold resonance such as 'she'll dump me for someone more alpha' or 'they all think I'm really boring now'. But perhaps they're both still irrational

4) To me alpha isn't just about the physique to me. It's a mindset. By virtue of having an anxiety disorder, I'm beta whether I like it or not. And there are countless 'sources' suggesting that this is what women want deep down.

You say I need to prove to her I can handle my own problems. The question is, am I even allowed to get help for what I struggle with? Because this is where the stigma comes in. I think even by asking for her help, or support, I'm lowering my attractiveness to her.
I think this might be a bit harsh on myself, It's unrealistic to demand myself to have all the answers all the time and be able to fix everything, sometimes yes, but sometimes I need support, advice, or a helping hand. But is that OK? I wouldn't think less of her if she wanted comfort when she was struggling. But then perhaps that's just one of the double standards men have to suck up?

5) Yeah, I should try to trust her
I'll PM you later. Can't reply right now.
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Quilt
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(Original post by Riku)
Yeah, she wanted to introduce me, and she talks about me to him all the time, and she says that he thinks I sound pretty cool. I don't know what his impression was when we met though. But he seems a nice guy so I'm going to try and give him the benefit of the doubt

There's actually a whole host of reasons why I think she's going to leave me. The most recent one is I'm stressed about my upcoming assignments for third year, getting tired as a result (and get tired quite easily) and that's not very attractive. I feel like women would hold it against me for admitting to being stressed and struggling to handle it, guys are supposed top handle things right?
I'm told I'm really quite hard on myself despite trying my best
See? Why would she introduce you to somebody she was sneaking around with behind your back. You've just answered your own question! Don't let him become an enemy in your own mind, you think he's nice try to keep thinking that.

Guys can get just as stressed as women, and your girlfriend will be completely understanding towards the workload you have. Everyone gets stressed sometimes!

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, you seem lovely, just try to let things happen as they happen. You can't predict the future so stop trying! Just enjoy things as they come.
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