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TSR people shipwrecked on desert island. What happens next? Watch

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    Day two, someone blames Muslims.
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    I build a shack upstream. I regularly urinate in the stream
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    This thread could be improved with names.

    Then probably deleted :sad:
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by thunder_chunky)
    Day two, someone blames Muslims.
    This is known in law as the "officious bystander", something so obvious that it does not need to be stated.
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    Day 8:

    No reports for two days as a storm blew in and disrupted life. Most TSRians were thoroughly miserable. The non-feminist girls fared best, constructing a shelter made entirely of white knights.

    One of the muscle crew was tragically swept away after he foolishly ran out to try and save the squat rack from being washed away. His sacrifice was not in vain and after the storm passed, the gym-queen-in-chief said a few words, quoting John 15:13. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his freeweights"
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    This is the best thing I have read all week.

    You sir have won my respect.
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    Day 9:

    (apologies in advance for the quality of this one as I'm just back from the lash in Camden)

    Clear delineations have been drawn and the largest current tribes are as follows: Cambridge, Oxford, Doxbridge (the Durham people thinking that they can join in, but everyone knows they can't), STEMM, Atheists, University of London (-not-including Strand Poly, Goldsmiths or Birkbeck), University of London (including Strand Poly, Goldsmiths and Birkbeck), Gymbos, non-Feminists, real-Feminists, White Knights, I-go-to-a-crap-uni, Asians, LGBT+ and finally IB wannabes.

    This clearly causes problems, due to the large number of people in multiple groups. The answer was simple and terrible: Take a day off from surviving the elements and have a faux-Fresher's Fayre, where everyone could sign up to the groups of their choice.

    This of course breaks down as an additional day is wasted building stands out of bits of flotsam, jetsam and palm leaves.

    Several non-medics attempt to join the STEMM medics sub-group, resulting in the introduction of an entrance exam. Prospective members are required to prove that they are actual medical students by:

    1. Being Asian, or
    2. Recanting a successful UCAS Personal Statement, free of red flag keywords that would only be used by jelly Pharmacy or Medical Bioscience students trying to masquerade as medics.


    By the end of the day most people have membership of at least two tribes and there are fourteen people locked inside bamboo cages as punishment for a variety of offences including:

    1. Impersonation of a medical student
    2. Being under the influence of an Access Course
    3. Not being able to lift.
    4. Fraudulent claim of non-virginity (perpetrator was reading Computer Science. Just too obvious)
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    Day 10:

    Each TSR mini group proposes a member to form the TSR Desert Island Community Security Council of Ministers, or DICkSCUM for short. The idea being to streamline the decision making process for the benefit of all.

    A number of proposals are put forward - the construction of a signal fire, the equitable sharing of resources, a rota for collecting firewood and food and forming a working party to build a raft.

    The DICkSCUM council considers all these proposals carefully and after 6 hours of debate, passes it's first resolution - condemning Israel for actions in Gaza.
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    (Original post by Clip)
    Day 9:

    (apologies in advance for the quality of this one as I'm just back from the lash in Camden)

    Clear delineations have been drawn and the largest current tribes are as follows: Cambridge, Oxford, Doxbridge (the Durham people thinking that they can join in, but everyone knows they can't), STEMM, Atheists, University of London (-not-including Strand Poly, Goldsmiths or Birkbeck), University of London (including Strand Poly, Goldsmiths and Birkbeck), Gymbos, non-Feminists, real-Feminists, White Knights, I-go-to-a-crap-uni, Asians, LGBT+ and finally IB wannabes.

    This clearly causes problems, due to the large number of people in multiple groups. The answer was simple and terrible: Take a day off from surviving the elements and have a faux-Fresher's Fayre, where everyone could sign up to the groups of their choice.

    This of course breaks down as an additional day is wasted building stands out of bits of flotsam, jetsam and palm leaves.

    Several non-medics attempt to join the STEMM medics sub-group, resulting in the introduction of an entrance exam. Prospective members are required to prove that they are actual medical students by:

    1. Being Asian, or
    2. Recanting a successful UCAS Personal Statement, free of red flag keywords that would only be used by jelly Pharmacy or Medical Bioscience students trying to masquerade as medics.


    By the end of the day most people have membership of at least two tribes and there are fourteen people locked inside bamboo cages as punishment for a variety of offences including:

    1. Impersonation of a medical student
    2. Being under the influence of an Access Course
    3. Not being able to lift.
    4. Fraudulent claim of non-virginity (perpetrator was reading Computer Science. Just too obvious)
    An amusing journal indeed. Hopefully everyone would succumb to a Battle Royale and all the moderators and feminists could be finally purged.
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    (Original post by blueskyblue)
    Mods and subs would get sacrificed , i'd be like "CARD ME NOW *****" as I plunge a sharp rock into their eye sockets.
    Full points if you can then make sundials out of their bodies.
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    (Original post by Clip)
    I'm willing to bet they divide up into RG and non-RG groups.

    First priority is to make sure the STEMM people get the majority of the food and water.

    Then a group try to build a fire using A-level Physics.

    Within two days everyone is starving because they're all arguing about Muslims instead of looking for food.



    Journal

    Day One:

    The TSR Indian Ocean Cruise has turned to tragedy after the SS Chastity sank. As far as we know, the level of sexual frustration on board caused electromagnetic interference with the ship's navigation systems, and the vessel wandered off course into a tropical storm.

    Most of the TSR people got into the lifeboats, although a few dozen perished in their cabins, declaring that they were introverted and didn't want to go out. All the crew went down with the ship, rather than be stranded with the TSRians.

    Fortunately, the lifeboats washed up on a beautiful desert island. One person got out and kissed the ground, thanking a higher power. This immediately triggered a cross-lifeboat debate on theism.

    Once all ashore, a three-hour argument ensued over whether to organise people by institution, course or UCAS points. People tried to group together by institution, some insisted on calling this matriculation - but one girl in the St.Johns College, Cambridge group couldn't spell the word. It turned out she was actually reading Nursing at Kingston. She was put inside a bamboo cage as punishment.
    Brilliant.
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    Find a bear and laugh my head off as the TSR Feminazis got the men to go and fight it because they were bigger and stronger than they were.

    Then I'd probably go swimming, made a spear, catch some fish, start a fire.
    Cook said fish, build myself a hammock, sleep.

    I think I'd try and get some tools built so we could start to make a defendable clearing and bring down some trees to try and build some barricades/walls so predators didn't eat the weaker members at night.

    I think I'd banish anybody that wasn't fit or a STEM student as in the end pyschologists etc are just another mouth to feed and when it comes to buildings, hunting etc them and philosophers aren't going to be the greatest help. Wannabee politicians also wouldn't help, nor would historians trying to document things whilst **** need to be done.

    They wouldn't need to be executed just released to form their own tribe, could be a potential trading partner/looting target if they go on and survive.
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    Day 11:

    The Real-feminists declare independence from the main group, and name their enclave "Simone de Beauvoir Hall" and a de-militarized zone, known as the "Placenta" is declared around it.

    An unfortunate maths student wanders into the DMZ whilst searching for firewood. He is caught by a Feminist Patrol, believing him to be a phallocratic male sex terrorist. He was found guilty of visual rape and penis oppression and sentenced to a severe beating and having to listen to six hours of readings from early Germaine Greer and Andrea Dworkin.


    In the main TSR camp, a fresh water crisis has emerged due to a mudslide upstream, along with two cases of Malaria. These crises are put to the DICkSCUM council, who debate the matter and put out a six page statement attacking the policies of Michael Gove.

    This leads to an "every person for him/herself" rush for clean water. The gymbos are drinking protein shake anyhow. The STEMM people attempt to build a solar still, but are thwarted by lack of a practical clue. The non-feminists are running critically low on White Knights to fetch things for them, so they attempt to rescue those held prisoner in the Feminist zone. Lacking any idea on how to do this, one of their number comes up with the idea of a fancy dress ball with highly sexualised and banal costumes (geeks, superheroes, school disco, airline stewardess). Several imprisoned White Knights are pulled by vaginal gravity from the Feminist Zone back to their rightful places.

    Finally, the Durham people issue Desert Island based stash.
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    Someone in the group provides a commentary of the decisions of DICkSCUM in a bad Geordie accent- along the lines of 'Day 11 on the TSR Island. The DICkSCUM council are having a debate on the policies of Michael Gove. Meanwhile upstream there has been a mudslide' etcetc.
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    Epic OP.

    The first order of business for me would be to steal the food of certain women in return for their offering services to the Virginal men stranded on the island. This would no doubt prompt discussion among the wider island population about whether these women were sluts and whether this was another step along the road to patriarchy.

    Using the payments I had received for their services I would now have an army riled by the rising tensions between feminists, the anti-Zionists (by now they've decided that having Muslims and Marxists on the island is evidence of a Jewish conspiracy) and the wider island population.

    To be continued...
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    Day 12:

    Order of the Day:

    "Can those from non-RG universities be classed essentially as Helots?"

    Leading to a debate on RG universities. Given that they are on a Desert Island with no internet access, no-one can actually remember who is in the Russell Group and who isn't. Violence ensues after a bold claim by some from Warwick (where else?) that Sheffield was not in the RG. After some scuffles, a group from Essex secretly approach the Sheffield people, willing to back them if the Sheffield people suddenely "remember" that Essex is an RG university, too.
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    The football thread operators unite to create a new tournament. The prize is the best fish of the day, this shall be henceforth called the Phil Jones Cup.
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    (Original post by Clip)
    QFA
    At what point those the Model House of Commons attempt to establish a working system of government?
    (one that inevitably fails due to unending conflict over wether or not to nationalise the fruit supply)
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    The story would be completely different if every "stranded" TSR member had a degree of social anxiety
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    Day 13:

    A PPE student from Nottingham is the first to commercialise foraging. She starts a fruit and smoothie stand on the beach, and initially uses barter as a means of exchange, although a couple of hours later it becomes clear that she does not need nor want a barbell made from rocks, a filthy Jack Wills t-shirt or UCL onesie. The first official currency on the island is issued, and is named the UCAS.

    Several socialists immediately form a protest outside the stand owing to it's evil Western capitalistic practises; and complain about the working conditions of her White Knights. The protesters quote Marx and Engels and plagiarise a thesis from The Condition of the Working Class in England in 1844. The White Knights ignore them and carry on in their unpaid, back-breaking toil.

    One of the gym-queens tries starting a personal training business. Ironically, his first and only client is one of the socialists, who in a moment of brevity has become very self-conscious from standing outside the fruit stand. She pays 30 UCAS a day for a one hour session. It is unknown where she gets the money from.
 
 
 
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