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My boyfriend slept with his landlord to pay his rent Watch

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    (Original post by Joshale)
    Oh, I'm a guy and straight
    Sorry, that post was mainly in response to the OP, I just meant that I'd also worked something out with someone who'd made a mistake
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    Sweetheart - virtually all the advice is to leave him. Grow a spine and move on. and have some dignity intact.

    I can guarantee virtually all of us thought that one of our partners was the one, we had the best time etc and they have broken our hearts.

    Learn from this - internet hug from me
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    If you didn't cost him so much he wouldn't have had to.
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    Coke's expensive man.. not gonna say anything more though pending any more blue cards
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    This reads like the script of a porno. Except the genders are reversed. That should tell you an awful lot about your boyfriend, and what you should do.
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    (Original post by MagicNMedicine)
    He sounds like a right loser.

    He still owes that rent btw, just because he's slept with her doesn't negate that, she can still pursue him in the courts
    yeah at the cost of a divorce
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    (Original post by Mr Inquisitive)
    You're very welcome! I'd take it in intervals; e.g. take two weeks, see how you feel, then reevaluate - if you need more time, of course take it, but if you're ready to make a decision, then that's great too.

    Before doing that, let him know what your plan is. If you specify that you're going to take some time out to think, and you want to be left alone so your thinking is left to be clear, he'll be able to appreciate your situation. That way, I think you'll be able to avoid leaving him hanging. By all means, once you reach the intervals where you're going to reassess your plan, you could always update him on how you're feeling (if you feel ready to).

    Ultimately, take as long as you need, and don't be worried about putting a time limit on it. Getting past the anger/confusion and being able to think clearly, to then come to a decision about what you want to do, is the most important step you'll take.
    This makes so much sense. Thanks again!

    (Original post by ChickenMadness)
    Well. Man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.


    He could have gotten himself kicked out instead and lived with you though couldn't he?
    No, that's not possible because I live with my parents. He literally had nowhere else to go, since his brother lives with his parents, his friends that live alone have money problems like him, and he isn't close with any of his family besides his mother and brother (and obviously they both live at his old home.) This is why I'm so torn up about the decision. It would be different if he actually had other options.

    (Original post by scrotgrot)
    His landlord has abused a position of trust, I would class this as rape. Don't be naive, it means nothing that he came. He should really be treated like a rape victim in my view. Probably hanging up on him wasn't the most sensitive thing to do, though I don’t mean this as a personal criticism, it sounds like a fraught situation for you all.
    Really? I've never thought about it like this. I only hung up because I was literally seconds from probably being sick if I heard anymore. I'm such a sensitive, overly emotional person.


    (Original post by SMEGGGY)
    Only you can decide. He seems genuinely remorseful or could have ****ed her and said nothing, you'd be none the wiser.

    Have you seen/spoken to him today or recently? How do you feel? How does he?

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Exactly! That's what I thought. Even though I wished I didn't know now, it means something to me that he confessed to it. He could've just left me forever wondering why he'd broken up with me and what I'd done.

    The only contact I've had is through his brother. His brother inboxed me this morning saying how depressed he is, how he's stupid for not taking money, etc, and how he made the biggest mistake of his life. I didn't know what to say. Honestly, I'm still quite numb about the whole situation. It doesn't seem real at all.

    I actually called him earlier half-forgetting about the whole situation, just to hear his voice again. He told me he was driving, and he'd call me back later.

    It's been awhile now, and he still hasn't called back, so I have no idea how he's feeling about it. Literally been staring at my phone all day.

    (Original post by suzannataylor)
    I also took my current partner back after he cheated on me. His situation was a lot different to your boyfriend's, but he also used to have reputation for sleeping around and we hadn't been together for long when it happened. I would advise you to take as long as you need to think about things and not feel in any way bad about hurting him or whatever, he's in the wrong and you taking a bit of time to yourself is in no way unreasonable. It takes a long time to get over something like that, but don't torture yourself with thinking about him having sex with someone else.
    Is your relationship stable and long-term, if you don't mind me asking? Are you happy in it? Do you have a healthy level of trust, or are you always dwelling on that incident? Did you also take some time out? If so, how long did it take you to get over it, if you're over it at all? How do you take your mind off it? It's so hard to NOT think about it. I've literally even dreamed about this.

    Sorry for the bombardment of questions. You don't have to answer any of them. I just have no one to talk to about this. I haven't told anyone at all. I mean, I don't really have anyone to tell, and if I did I wouldn't know what to say, which makes me feel even worse. But I feel better now knowing that someone else's relationship survived something like this.

    (Original post by hellodave5)
    Sounds like he could do with a counsellor... from what you said he sounds rather troubled, but won't really use the help of his family or others.
    He's forced to see a drug and alcohol counsellor, but he says they don't really help at all.

    (Original post by Katie_p)
    If he had no other option except getting thrown out, I think I would feel quite sympathetic, but it was his pride that made him cheat. From what you've said, he could have gone to his brother for the rent, and he would never have needed to hurt you (and himself) in this way, but instead he chose to have sex with his landlord.
    Someone with that much pride isn't going to let you help him, either. He needs to change on his own, and at the moment he will be feeling so low that he's just going to dig himself into a deeper hole.
    Either you're willing to wait for him to sort himself out, and you can forgive him, or you need to let go, for your sake and his. He might not cheat again, but this prideful streak won't go away, and if he gets into any sort of trouble in the future, he seems like the sort of person who will try to resolve it on his own and hurt everyone around him rather than swallowing his pride and accepting some help.
    Yeah, I agree with this entirely. I know he'd rather help himself than let anyone else help him. I mean, he broke his phone, and he wouldn't even let his brother get him a new one, that's how self-reliant he tries to be, which is why I kind of feel better about the situation, as I know to him it was the only option. But I know, like you say, it isn't really healthy :/

    I wish this was as easy as black and white. I wish I wasn't so conflicted.

    (Original post by superduper9)
    Hey,

    I honestly don't think there is a strong, healthy and happy relationship to be had with him. Your initial insecurities are only going to come back with this breach of trust. Even otherwise, it will be practically quite hard to base a long-term relationship with someone who has little to no money, without a job, (potential) drug problems and struggling to make ends meet. If you had asked me before you got involved, I would have said that it's best to steer clear.

    That said, I expect you will have got attached to him on some level by now and so it will be hard to let go. The advice you may want to give to him is to clean up his act, in all aspects. It is credible that he doesn't want to live off his family - however, given his current status, it would be advisable to take some money from his family as a loan until he is able to support himself, with a view to paying this money back once he has a job. You can consider giving the relationship another go once he is stable and drug-free.

    As for you, I honestly think you need space. I've been cheated on and it hurts like hell - especially when it's a long term relationship. My ex broke up with me and got with the other guy - in some ways this was good because it helped me move on and forget her (somewhat). You need to get some distance from him after you've shared everything on your mind with him. I don't know what you're doing at the moment career wise, but let it not distract you. I say that because a friend of mine had her bf cheat on her and she lamented on that for a year and messed up her final year at uni.

    You sound like a nice person - you need to be in a relationship where you're happy and with a person who you can trust wholeheartedly and rely on in all contexts. Best of luck
    Honestly, I didn't really have that many insecurities, though. It was just when we first started dating, but then I realised that if he wanted another girl he'd be in a relationship with them, not me. If he just wanted to sleep with me then he wouldn't make so much effort. I'm not like those girls who get paranoid about every girl he speaks to, but I fear I will now. Ah.

    When we first started dating I had no idea about all of his problems. He only started confiding in me when we'd been going out awhile, and I wouldn't have rejected him even if I had known because it wouldn't have changed him or his personality.

    He is drug-free now, thankfully, so I'm not worried about that! He also is really trying to get his life in order, so I'm not worried about that either. The choice would be so much easier if he actually hadn't been trying so much. He said that too...That something always has to go wrong when everything's going right :/

    I'm set to go to uni, and you're right this really is grating on me and making me less excited to go.

    Thanks so much for the advice and kind words and sorry for the rant! I'd say you've given me a lot to think about, if I wasn't thinking so much already.

    (Original post by ash92:))
    To be frank, you perhaps should have avoided getting into a relationship with him since you clearly acknowledge that he is/was a 'manwhore' :sadnod:
    That's what I thought at first before we started speaking properly. Like I said in my OP, I'd never have forgiven him before I started the relationship, but now I'm too conflicted.

    (Original post by joey11223)
    Nah you're totally wrong mate.

    I mean think about it, if the genders were reversed and a girl renting a flat had an older married landlord coming onto her all the time, then when she was late on rent he came around and she ended up having sex with him in desperation to pay the rent, would anyone say he took advantage of her? HELL NO, no they would not....I guarantee they wouldn't, not one person...nope....nadda..


    lol tsr.

    But more on-topic. Honestly he sounds too much for a relationship right now, but he is obviously troubled. I assume you do care for him, so I would suggest saying you don't feel you can have a romantic relationship but if he needs someone to talk to, support etc, you're there for him, not to your detriment mind, but as a friend. If he sorts his **** out down the line then you can re-evaluate things.
    I actually would say he was taking advantage of her, to be honest :/ I must be the only person.

    Actually good advice, though, thanks!

    (Original post by anonymouspie227)
    End it with him, cut him out. He sounds a mess and you deserve better.
    He isn't, though. Not really :/
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    Ahhhh I don't know what to do. I still can't accept this. Like I said above, his brother inboxed me, but I have no idea what to say back. I can't even read the whole thing.

    Also, I called him this morning. He said he was driving, and he'd call me back. It's 3pm :/ I don't know what to do with myself.
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    so basically. have sex with old woman. Or live on the street.

    Doesn't sound so bad anymore.


    What would you do in his position?
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    (Original post by scrotgrot)
    His landlord has abused a position of trust, I would class this as rape. Don't be naive, it means nothing that he came. He should really be treated like a rape victim in my view. Probably hanging up on him wasn't the most sensitive thing to do, though I don’t mean this as a personal criticism, it sounds like a fraught situation for you all.
    I disagree. This wasn't rape by any means, if anything it was prostitution. He wasn't coerced or threatened with unfair eviction, he couldn't pay his rent therefore according to the contract he is out in his ass, the rules apply to everyone, if you cant pay you cant stay.
    So in lieu of money the landlord accepted sex as a payment. He would have been perfectly free to move out without the need for sexual favours.

    He would have known before the rent was due whether or not he was going to have enough money for payment. Therefore he needs to budget better. If he is living beyond his means he needs to find somewhere else to live, houseshare or move back into his parents home. To be honest he just sounds like a freeloader. What happens next month when he cant pay the rent? Has he made any arrangements to find somewhere that is more within his price range?

    Posted from TSR Mobile
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    You lived without him all your life so you can live without him now. What's wrong with him getting a job or borrowing money just to try to move forward and get out of debt. He had many other better options and he chose the worst one considering he had a gf. Anyone who is in a relationship knows that cheating is a big deal and if found out will probably see the end to the relationship. He cannot justify the decision he made and obviously knew the consequences but he decided to do it. It's up to you to decide what behavior you can accept but remember he was happy to make this decision knowing he would lose you.
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    I read the whole OP as well as the links!
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    Seriously, your boyfriend needs help. He should not have to felt like he had to sleep with his landlord. Would we really be as unsympathetic if this bloke hadn't had a colourful sexual history? Clearly sex isn't something he puts on a pedestal but it doesn't mean that prostitution is something he'd wants! And the whole "sex is the only thing I'm good at thing" sounds like he's in a really low position anyway, kind of emphasised by the fact he's depressed - your boyfriend is vulnerable and has been taken advantage of by the landlady.

    You need to encourage your boyfriend to get help from his family, he needs to swallow his pride, accept a little bit of money so he can pay his rent (and perhaps get somewhere else to live in the circumstances) and start training for qualifications. If drugs are still an issue, there are several organisations that can help him. Also if he's not getting medical help for depression already.

    Basically, I don't care about your relationship, as cruel as that sounds. Stay with him, leave him, do what you feel you have to, and either one is right imo. If you do leave him, you need to make sure he is getting the help he needs, even if that's just getting the support of his family. Don't just class this as cheating and leave him to get worse - yes it was wrong of him but there seems to be many layers to the issue which eventually caused him to go through with it, and he needs them resolved, not just put as part of his sexual behaviour.

    Someone said this sounds like a porno, and in some ways it does. But I don't think we ever see the porn stars having such a history of problems, and huge regret and self loathing afterwards,
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    (Original post by Rendezvous)
    No college for a-levels is not free at his age, get yer facts right.
    A-levels are free at his age if he meets certain criteria which would be listed on the college website.


    Posted from TSR Mobile
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    So much hate towards the guy. You people really have no sympathy or perspective.

    He loves you, he hates himself for what he did and he, practically, had no choice. Would you rather he went homeless? It might not be what his options actually are, but it seems to be how he sees it. What does he have to gain by lying to you?

    If you love him, then help him get his life back together. Don't make any demands. He is really insecure, and too proud to seek help. If you truly love him, and you love him enough to want to see him succeed, then you are the one person who is best placed to help him. It won't be easy or quick. If he gets hostile, then away from from him for a bit. He will eventually realise what he's done wrong and he will learn from his mistakes.

    The kind of girl who sticks by her man is one in a million. If you really love him, then tell him how you feel and how you suffer when you see him fail. You found a broken man and you fell in love with him, presumably because of his flaws. Accept responsibility for that. Help him get better. He can't do it himself. Heal him and he will love you like no one else.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)

    Is your relationship stable and long-term, if you don't mind me asking? Are you happy in it? Do you have a healthy level of trust, or are you always dwelling on that incident? Did you also take some time out? If so, how long did it take you to get over it, if you're over it at all? How do you take your mind off it? It's so hard to NOT think about it. I've literally even dreamed about this.

    Sorry for the bombardment of questions. You don't have to answer any of them. I just have no one to talk to about this. I haven't told anyone at all. I mean, I don't really have anyone to tell, and if I did I wouldn't know what to say, which makes me feel even worse. But I feel better now knowing that someone else's relationship survived something like this.
    Hi, that's fine! Yes, we've been together for a year and a half now, and we've not broken up or anything in that time.We are very happy together and we are okay for trust issues. I have anxiety so trusting anyone is pretty hard for me but that's something that I have got better with. I hardly ever think about what happened any more, but for quite a few months it was something that was on my mind a lot. I'd just say to keep yourself busy, spend time with friends and to not allow yourself to dwell on it, if you find yourself thinking about it (and I mean in the sense of actually imagining or picturing him cheating, thinking about how you feel about him and the situation isn't a bad thing), just turn your attention to something else.

    I did take a bit of time to think about things, but I think that it would have been better if I'd taken a bit more. We were talking a lot and I think it would have been best to cut contact completely, at least for a couple of days.

    We did work through things, but I have to say that I think your boyfriend seems to have several other issues as well as being unfaithful to you, and it may turn out that it's better for him, you, or both of you not to be in a relationship whilst he has those issues.

    Obviously it's completely up to you, and for me i thought that I might as well give it another go. If he had or does cheat again, then that would be it and he knows that.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by ChickenMadness)
    so basically. have sex with old woman. Or live on the street.

    Doesn't sound so bad anymore.


    What would you do in his position?
    I wouldn't even want to ponder that question.

    (Original post by miscounted_time)
    I disagree. This wasn't rape by any means, if anything it was prostitution. He wasn't coerced or threatened with unfair eviction, he couldn't pay his rent therefore according to the contract he is out in his ass, the rules apply to everyone, if you cant pay you cant stay.
    So in lieu of money the landlord accepted sex as a payment. He would have been perfectly free to move out without the need for sexual favours.

    He would have known before the rent was due whether or not he was going to have enough money for payment. Therefore he needs to budget better. If he is living beyond his means he needs to find somewhere else to live, houseshare or move back into his parents home. To be honest he just sounds like a freeloader. What happens next month when he cant pay the rent? Has he made any arrangements to find somewhere that is more within his price range?

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    I have no idea what's going to happen next month. Obviously we haven't spoken about it yet :/ That's another worry I have.

    (Original post by brendonbackflip)
    Seriously, your boyfriend needs help. He should not have to felt like he had to sleep with his landlord. Would we really be as unsympathetic if this bloke hadn't had a colourful sexual history? Clearly sex isn't something he puts on a pedestal but it doesn't mean that prostitution is something he'd wants! And the whole "sex is the only thing I'm good at thing" sounds like he's in a really low position anyway, kind of emphasised by the fact he's depressed - your boyfriend is vulnerable and has been taken advantage of by the landlady.

    You need to encourage your boyfriend to get help from his family, he needs to swallow his pride, accept a little bit of money so he can pay his rent (and perhaps get somewhere else to live in the circumstances) and start training for qualifications. If drugs are still an issue, there are several organisations that can help him. Also if he's not getting medical help for depression already.

    Basically, I don't care about your relationship, as cruel as that sounds. Stay with him, leave him, do what you feel you have to, and either one is right imo. If you do leave him, you need to make sure he is getting the help he needs, even if that's just getting the support of his family. Don't just class this as cheating and leave him to get worse - yes it was wrong of him but there seems to be many layers to the issue which eventually caused him to go through with it, and he needs them resolved, not just put as part of his sexual behaviour.

    Someone said this sounds like a porno, and in some ways it does. But I don't think we ever see the porn stars having such a history of problems, and huge regret and self loathing afterwards,
    Thanks a lot for the advice!

    He doesn't have problems with drugs anymore, but he's forced to see an addictions counsellor. He says it doesn't help at all, though, and always mocks it, so I doubt other forms of counselling would be any better.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So much hate towards the guy. You people really have no sympathy or perspective.

    He loves you, he hates himself for what he did and he, practically, had no choice. Would you rather he went homeless? It might not be what his options actually are, but it seems to be how he sees it. What does he have to gain by lying to you?

    If you love him, then help him get his life back together. Don't make any demands. He is really insecure, and too proud to seek help. If you truly love him, and you love him enough to want to see him succeed, then you are the one person who is best placed to help him. It won't be easy or quick. If he gets hostile, then away from from him for a bit. He will eventually realise what he's done wrong and he will learn from his mistakes.

    The kind of girl who sticks by her man is one in a million. If you really love him, then tell him how you feel and how you suffer when you see him fail. You found a broken man and you fell in love with him, presumably because of his flaws. Accept responsibility for that. Help him get better. He can't do it himself. Heal him and he will love you like no one else.
    Thanks for the post. It was nice to get another perspective on things.

    I'm actually asking myself the first two questions, which is why I haven't left him already. It's weird because before this experience I had no clue how deeply I felt about him. I knew I had strong feelings for him, but I didn't know how strongly.

    (Original post by suzannataylor)
    Hi, that's fine! Yes, we've been together for a year and a half now, and we've not broken up or anything in that time.We are very happy together and we are okay for trust issues. I have anxiety so trusting anyone is pretty hard for me but that's something that I have got better with. I hardly ever think about what happened any more, but for quite a few months it was something that was on my mind a lot. I'd just say to keep yourself busy, spend time with friends and to not allow yourself to dwell on it, if you find yourself thinking about it (and I mean in the sense of actually imagining or picturing him cheating, thinking about how you feel about him and the situation isn't a bad thing), just turn your attention to something else.

    I did take a bit of time to think about things, but I think that it would have been better if I'd taken a bit more. We were talking a lot and I think it would have been best to cut contact completely, at least for a couple of days.

    We did work through things, but I have to say that I think your boyfriend seems to have several other issues as well as being unfaithful to you, and it may turn out that it's better for him, you, or both of you not to be in a relationship whilst he has those issues.

    Obviously it's completely up to you, and for me i thought that I might as well give it another go. If he had or does cheat again, then that would be it and he knows that.
    It's so nice to hear a success story. I'm happy for you

    I hope things will work out for us, even if we aren't together :/
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It's so nice to hear a success story. I'm happy for you

    I hope things will work out for us, even if we aren't together :/
    That's okay, I hope things work out for you one way or the other. I think you probably know deep down what you need or want to do, I find I usually do
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    You chose to be with a depressed, promiscuous, coke addict. It was always going to end badly.

    The fact she was sending such texts suggest something happened much earlier.

    He was a bad investment, write him off and move on.
    • #1
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    #1

    (Original post by suzannataylor)
    That's okay, I hope things work out for you one way or the other. I think you probably know deep down what you need or want to do, I find I usually do
    Thanks, but I honestly don't know what to do, which is why I desperately made this thread. I'm going to take a breather and hopefully then I'll have a clearer idea.

    (Original post by Rakas21)
    You chose to be with a depressed, promiscuous, coke addict. It was always going to end badly.

    The fact she was sending such texts suggest something happened much earlier.

    He was a bad investment, write him off and move on.
    I don't think he would've shown us the texts if something was happening earlier :/
 
 
 
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