My boyfriend had a baby with someone else Watch

stargirl63
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#41
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(Original post by jam277)
Firstly the guy is not being allowed to see the child, guy probably doesn't even want custody and can't get it anyway he just wants to see the child. There is no problem about being no.2.
Again - you don't know what will happen years from now. What if he wants to see the child? What if the mother allows him to see the child? What if the mother isn't coping, and the courts give him custody - then what?!??!

(Original post by jam277)
The guy is probably suffering as it is. We're acting like this guy will easily find a girl around the ages of 19-25 that will accept him having a 5 year old daughter from an ONS. Dumping him over this will break him. How do you break on the 2nd or 3rd date to a 19 year old woman that you have a daughter? Think about it.

The guy is 25. The girl is 19.

It's not something that you can simply say from the dating stage. If he lied about it after OP asking him it then that is unacceptable but it's going to be pretty hard saying that you had a baby from a one night stand. It's like a girl saying that she used to have sex for money(although has no STDs etc. that could come back to haunt her and the guy) should she tell the current partner and ruin her chances of any decent relationship(because lets be honest it's a dealbreaker)? I'm just looking at it from the guys perspective and I understood why he didn't want to tell her.
haha - you have just reminded me why I literally ask everyone I date (before I decide to date them) if they have a child. I always thought it was a little rude to ask straight out - but this thread has reassured me.

I agree it is difficult - which is why he should look for someone who maybe has a child, or is accepting of the situation. Come on, it's 2014, it's not like he's the only one in the world who has had a child as a teenager, as a ONS, or both (in this instance). There's a lot of girls who would accept this and this wouldn't matter, for others like OP, it does matter. It's whatever you look for in a partner, and funnily enough, I don't have baggage, and I don't expect my partner to have the same. It's difficult to break it on a 2nd or 3rd date - agreed. However, time makes things more and more difficult. It really is better just to say it straight up and have an "accept me or not" type of attitude.

Also tbh - if some girl said she was a prostitute previously, then yes it is relevant to her current partner. No he would not like it, and he shall then have the information to choose whether or not he wants to continue to date her, during the early stages.

It's not about your past or what you have done. Yes it's difficult, but there's never going to be a good time!

(Original post by jam277)
Like I said before if you're only saying it when you're drunk, then the guy clearly was thinking about saying it for a while and she's complaining about being no.2 to flesh and blood, so why isn't she complaining about his mother, or his sister(if he has any) and just this child. Guy is not being allowed to see his daughter and OP is complaining about being no.2 to him. There are two sides to every story, but if the GF breaks up with him "because she doesn't feel special and no.1" then that's ridiculous. That's the bit that annoyed me.
Yeah - I don't know what to say about that either tbh. Also, how do you know the guy was thinking about saying it and waiting for the right time? For all you know, this guy knew he was wrong in keeping it from her, and it took alcohol for the guilt to come out in tears.

The thing that gets me is that he has waited for her to be emotionally invested before saying something (albeit drunk) but he has. It's like he has trapped her and waited for it to be difficult to leave, and ended up considering something that otherwise she wouldn't be. It's like for example, two people having a horrible relationship, but not breaking up due to kids (otherwise they would have). And it's like that - she would totally not consider this, but because there is now love / emotion involved, she's reconsidering, and potentially accept something that she is not happy with, for the sake of saving the relationship, which she would never do in other circumstances. I can imagine that behind the scenes now he is saying "don't throw away 6 months" - when in actual fact, he is the one who threw away 6 months, every single day he failed to tell her this. For her to go through this,at this later stage, just because he didn't want her thinking he was a "deadbeat dad" , and "no one will consider him" is ridiculous.
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babouskha
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#42
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Why do you feel as if everything has been a lie? This was a very personal thing, and probably very hard, for him to tell you. You should be grateful that he trusts you that much to share that part of his live with you.
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LavenderBlueSky88
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#43
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Personally I'd leave. 19 is waaay too young to be a step mum.. Regardless of whether he's in the kids life. If I have kids with a guy I want them to be his only kids, it's hardly special if he's got a few others knocking around somewhere is it?
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llys
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(Original post by stargirl63)
The thing that gets me is that he has waited for her to be emotionally invested before saying something (albeit drunk) but he has. It's like he has trapped her and waited for it to be difficult to leave, and ended up considering something that otherwise she wouldn't be. It's like for example, two people having a horrible relationship, but not breaking up due to kids (otherwise they would have). And it's like that - she would totally not consider this, but because there is now love / emotion involved, she's reconsidering.
Also (warning: I'm a very cynical person) - by waiting so long, the guy has effectively given her a weapon she can bludgeon him with in every single argument they will have in the future about their relationship. Not a clever thing to do and it will quite possibly ruin the relationship anyway, unless they are both very mature and good communicators, which is quite rare. But for their sake I hope it will work out.


(Original post by stargirl63)
For her to go through this,at this later stage, just because he didn't want her thinking he was a "deadbeat dad" , and "no one will consider him" is really selfish.
+ It is also potentially stupid. It would only be a good idea if it generally worked, but I expect most women (especially young women with other prospects) would leave a guy like that, so he would end up single again anyway. For a guy who is just looking for sex, perhaps it is a "good" strategy, but for a man who is looking for something more, it is very risky.
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stargirl63
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(Original post by babouskha)
Why do you feel as if everything has been a lie? This was a very personal thing, and probably very hard, for him to tell you. You should be grateful that he trusts you that much to share that part of his live with you.
lol - he didn't choose to share this at all. Considering alcohol was needed for him to be "blurting" the truth, says a lot about him.
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ToLiveInADream
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No one seems to be talking about how odd it is to only be 14 years older than the little girl, so when she's like 15-ish you may look like sisters
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Ssss123
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Something very similar has just happened to me.
I've never posted in an Internet blog before so please forgive me if I get any of the lingo incorrect. I'm not ignorant, I marginally missed growing up with t'internet as a teen.

I'm 29. I live in central London, well educated, happy in a well-earning job, I can have/travel/eat/drink/be wherever/whatever I want (Internet crazies please don't focus or pick on this - I'm just setting the scene). I'm independent & have been for a long time. I have great parents, not together but as equally crazy as everyone else's!

I met a wonderful man. He's 33. He has a child he doesn't have any contact with.

I have no idea where you are all from but my in my 'little' city we have a few choices. I went to an amazing school, then uni, then 'travelled' for a year before getting a good job and bucking down. Easy you may think, no, but not bad either, I've loved it.

I get on well with lads. I had boyfriends as a teen & as an adult kissed my fair share of princes and frogs. At 29 I'm not panicking about my fertility, I also realise I need to get on with it. Please don't make stupid comments on this, even if your mums-uncles-cousins-inbred-doctor said something about old birds.

I picked a guy that was seemingly perfect... Similar upbringing, hot(!), treats me like a princess, well travelled, intelligent, fun, classy, spontaneous, kind...and on date 5/6 carefully asked if I was messing him around/if at some point would want to settle/want kids. (His lawyer older sister never wants to have kids or get married).
I do. I want all of that. With the right guy.

It's been 8/9 months. We've been skating around the 'I love you' for quite a while. I'm not a silly little girl. He's not a **** trying to bed me. We're both strong/stubborn and loved-up.
I've been to his family home a few times, warmly welcomed & adore them all.

He spent 2 years in Australia back in 2003-2004. Girlfriend got pregnant. She was Scottish (him Brit) so they came back to UK. Didn't work out. She doesn't want baby/him/situation. Her family want to bring the child up with no input from him (except money - his family are wealthy).
So agreement made, but he has no say, I have no idea on the law but I imagine he could contact the little-one if he wants to. I don't know.

So bombshell....

Of course, why would be tell me? I wouldn't have given him a chance if I knew he had a kid, even a child that had no impact on his life. Maybe unreasonable to some people but in my (and his) social circle / parents / friends we just don't deal with it, why should I? Baggage...nahhh...

So, I'm in hard, I love this guy, I've kissed enough frogs to find my prince..he's 'the one'..and then this situation...

I get the OP's idea that she's now second best. I hate that idea too. And there's nothing wrong with feeling that. Feels as you wish. Just be careful how you act apon it.

My pain comes from the thought that I want to spend the rest of my years with this guy, he does too, and hopefully we'll eventually have a family & all that comes with it...and this may seem minor, but Christ does it hurt, the thought that my love, has already been though the incomparable joy of his first newborn.
He's already done it. I wanted to share that feeling with my guy. I can't. I never will. And I know that sounds minor, but both of my parents have told us (my sister & I) that was the greatness moment of their lives.
I am allowed to feel upset that I'll never get this to share.
I understand that when this child comes knocking that I'll be second, that's nature. It just hurts.
Decision made, suck it up, deal with it if I have to and prep. Any kids we have may have potenetally a brother or sister that may decide to become part of our lives.
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