Advice on splitting up with my boyfriend of five years...

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Why cant you talk to him like a humanbeing? This is the problem when school sweethearts stay together to adulthood. You endup building your adult life with someone you met when you were both children then you both growup and split. Now you look back at the wasted youth you wont get back.. talk to him telling him how you feel and depending on his response.. go from there.

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Reply 41

jennysl04

Original post by Mick.w

Well I've heard these types of stories before. When I was younger I'd of been like "wow you need to kick him to the curb!"

but now I'm older and wiser I've heard this story enough to know theres two sides.

now yes there are guys who exist who are needlessly paranoid. but in most cases they are not.

in most cases they can usually pick up on something that they find hard to explain or identify. but they can still pick up on it.

what that thing is is the fact that their girlfriend wants other men.

You say you're not allowed to have any guy friends. Why do you want any? are you missing out some story where he found out a guy who you were friends with was your ex or who fancied you or some other significant detail that your leaving out. or maybe he saw you with guy friends and picked up on the sexual chemistry between you that perhaps you yourself are in denial of.

whats clear is that despite the fact that you claim you are "not allowed" to have male friends you must still happen to have them regardless of your boyfriend because he is apparently bothered by the pictures. now perhaps those are the sort of pictures that you could show a stranger and they'd be like "so I take it those two are dating". you know its bad when you have to tell people your male friend is "just a friend"

girls cheat more than guys. they have much more opportunity to do so and are much better at hiding it than men. as the old saying goes "what ever a guys sexual partner number is, half it and what ever a girls sexual partner number is double it"

perhaps he's aware of you inviting or entertaining certain behavior from men. I new a girl who's idea of flirting was saying incredibly crude things like "well hello there big boy" (cringe i know) but she didn't see the much more subtle signs of flicking hair, laughter, prolonged or lower eye lidded eye contact, lip biting, physical posturing and all the many many many subtle body language and communication that people do to subtle flirt. in fact many girls are in denial of their flirting. I new a girl with a little boy (aged 9) she was in a chip shop (classy) flirting with guy behind the counter, laughing needlessly at almost everything he said. he was being flirty, and her reciprocation was laughter. I mentioned this to her and she was in complete denial. However, as sad as this is, her unfortunate 9 year old son chirped up saying how she was flirting with him. Now even a 9 year old can pick up on that stuff.
but women have a great defense for their behavior. they can claim that anyone who notices or criticizes their passive sexual communications in public as a controlling paranoid possessive guy. and no guy wants to be that guy. but the fact of the matter is "these hoes aint loyal" and they no it, but sadly they care for these "hoes" and try to keep them faithful as long as they can. its not just about keeping the girl faithful though. its about dignity. and its undignified for the guy whos girl is fawning over guys publicly.

I don't blame him asking loads of questions about your flat mates. because it sounds like you don't want to tell him about them. whats the reason you don't wanna tell him? he's not there with you? he's trying to find out whos around you. when girls cheat they don't go far.
its rarely as well thought out as a guy off the internet. although that happpens to. its usually like a colleague at work, or a "friend" or someone they meet through work or if your a student, someone from your course or someone from your flat.

just curious why are you going out? and perhaps you are dressing slutty? i mean he's not a fool. he's been out clubbing to. he will know what message your sending off because he's a man. he's not just your boyfriend. he's been out clubbing and seen girls dressed like that and perhaps spoke to them and know what they're about. when you get dressed your displaying your self in a certain way. its the first message you give people.

and you probably do look single. I mean your in a club dressed like a single girl on the pull with her friends.

even despite his discomfort at what is quite clearly you looking for someone new to replace him with. he is still not being direct about it as to not outrage you. which is very considerate of him but sadly wasted as im sure you take this consideration as weakness yes?

your decision to break up with him sounds very short sighted. but maybe its for the best. it sounds like your struggling with loyalty and will inevitably cheat on him.

it also sounds like everything would be hunky dory if you were still at home.

if you stick it out through uni you will probably stay together.

but the fact is, is your situation is quite common.
many girls start uni cheat for 3 years and then come back to their boyfriend.

some of the boyfriends cheat too.

but it sounds like your the cheater potential here. and it sounds like he can pick up on it.

i mean your loyalty for him isn't very strong. its been a few months away and your already thinking of ending it.

fact is if you end it you know you won't get him back right? he may be whipped now. but thats because he cares and doesnt want to lose you. but he sounds smart enough to know how you are. unloyal and fleeting. and his reactions reflect yours.

but once he loses you and he's free of the whip due to him being smart he'll kno your not reliable to start a family with.

i mean your not going through tough times here. you havent got jobs and kids and a mortgage whilst arguing with eachother. so if your looking to jump ship now then god knows what you'll be like then

Are you kidding me????? Because she wants guy friends she wants to cheat????? This is the most sexist piece of rubbish post I have ever seen. She can have the friends she likes. She can dress how she likes. Neither party in a relationship should be controlling of those things. I don't see anywhere in her post where she mentioned looking for a replacement OR that she was thinking about cheating? In fact, she is doing the right thing and considering DUMPING his controlling ass, so she can move on and enjoy herself without worrying about his complete lack of trust in her. IF she doesn't love him anymore, the FAIR thing to do is to jump ship only after making sure that is genuinely how she feels and it isn't to do with distance. Good for her that she doesn't have a job or kids or a mortgage at her age and can 'jump ship' whenever she wants, AND have as many male or female friends as she likes!

Reply 42

LondonBrah_

Original post by jennysl04

oh great, just what we needed, a radical feminist.

Reply 43

Mick.w

so how did you come to plucking my response on the second page of a 4 month old post?

how odd...

Original post by jennysl04

Are you kidding me?

No im not kidding you

Original post by jennysl04

Because she wants guy friends she wants to cheat?

she doesn't just have guy friends.
He is in a bad place. He's living with his grilfriends family. and is clearly not doing well in life.
every girl I know who has cheated on their boyfriend has done so when he was at a low point and in his most need. women don't find unsuccessful weak men attractive. its kinda like the opposite of women. women can have zero merit but a guy will still find her attractive if she's beautiful. but if she's successful and fat maybe not so much. so a guy being down on his luck in terms of success is like a girl getting fat. they both become insecure because they no they are not attractive to their partner anymore.

so he's down on his luck (not attractive)
shes in another town (he's not there to keep her happy, girls are very needy)

she dresses for male attention. the guy has picked up on this. even other women can pick up on this. she wants to catch guys eyes. the guy is not a fool. she is embarrassing him.

some girls have an attitude to how they dress similar criminals.
criminals always point out how their not that bad there's people doing worse than them all the time etc...
just like girls think "oh i dress classy" because they aren't wearing hot pants and a top thats little more than a bra.

like i've met girls who have the most retarded views on dress. this one girl i met. she was wearing high waisted hot pants and a crop top and on a cold january night no less. She said if her belly button was showing she'd look like a slag. but because her high wasted hot pants covered her belly button she seemed to think, as if by magic she stopped looking like a slag despite the fact that she was showing a bar of skin around her stomach/back.

oh yea and shes taking pictures with them too.

so shes not "just" friends with guys. theres much more to the story then that. and you no that. so lets not pretend to be silly buggers.

Original post by jennysl04

This is the most sexist piece of rubbish post I have ever seen.

sexism is very subjective. if you mean im acknowledging differences between men and women that are either by nature or nurtured through society then yes. but if you think i dislike women and im trying to put them down then no. but yea simply throwing the word sexism around means nothing to me. you can call me a cat if you like. but i still don't have paws and a tail do i? what im saying is. back up ur allegation.

Original post by jennysl04

She can have the friends she likes.

she can

Original post by jennysl04

She can dress how she likes.

she can

Original post by jennysl04

Neither party in a relationship should be controlling of those things.

ok well relationships outside of marriage are almost purely based around nothing else other than enjoying eachothers company and sexual commitment. and given peoples love of arguing and sex i'd say you don't even need the enjoyment of company part either.

problems tend to arise in a relationship if one partner or another looks like they are going to break that commitment. its like a business deal. your going to have problems with the investor who looks like their likely to pull out.

I wouldn't exactly call him controlling. he's protesting her behavior and quite understandably not trusting her.

also despite him being "controlling" as you say. he doesnt seem to be doing a very good job does? he wants her to dress her self like shes "not on the market". shes not listening to him. not even a compromise she just doesn't care about he feels about it at all. in fact she finds it annoying. hence wanting to leave. so his thoughts feelings and complaints equals annoying. nice.

oh and he doesn't like her going out? tough luck. shes doing it anyway.

he feels uncomfortable with this? oh well I know. why not post pictures of yourself with dudes on face book. nice... yea... i can really see who's the considerate one in this relationship.

and at no point have you thought about how the guy might feel about the fact that he could be chucked out because he's staying with her parents.

the guy could quite easily just use her and her parents for the accommodation and not give a damn about her loyalty to him. but he's worried about losing her. and she, is not bothered by how he feels at all.

Original post by jennysl04

I don't see anywhere in her post where she mentioned looking for a replacement OR that she was thinking about cheating?

self awareness in ones needs and actions is something lacking in this generation and that ive personally noticed is completely lacking in most of the girls i meet. but the fact is she clearly cares about getting a positive response from people. saying stuff like "thanks for reading my rant lol" so shes not going to tell the world without anonymizing her account that shes thinking about cheating. plus people can be primed to cheat without having found someone that they want to cheat with. they might not like the guys around them but all they need is the right guy to come up to them in a club.

the recipe she has is "i don't want to be with him. but im scared of breaking up with him for the following reasons"

that... is the prime recipe for cheating. she clearly wants to receive sexual admires due to how she dresses anyway. plus the only point in clubbing is really to meet the opposite sex.
if girls wanted a "girls only" club there would be one. but they don't. they want men there. without the men the girls wouldn't want to go and the club would shut down. this isnt patriarchy trying to stop them. its money. there are women who want women only gyms. so they exist. the same cannot be said for night clubs.

Original post by jennysl04

In fact, she is doing the right thing and considering DUMPING his controlling ass,

i dont think shes doing the right thing by considering it. i think she should put the poor guy out his misery and just do it. quite clearly he hasn't noticed that she's only really bothered about how she feels at the expense of him or the relationship in general.

Original post by jennysl04

so she can move on and enjoy herself without worrying about his complete lack of trust in her.

his very warranted lack of trust.

Original post by jennysl04

IF she doesn't love him anymore, the FAIR thing to do is to jump ship

I agree and said she should

Original post by jennysl04

only after making sure that is genuinely how she feels and it isn't to do with distance.

I disagree. this is selfish.

I was in a relationship with a girl. She told me some stuff about her history which made me really uncomfortable and not trust her. I tried to leave it to see if I would get over it. If I was just in shock and would get over it eventually. After a few weeks I realized it would take much longer for me to get over it, that is, if I got over it all. So I broke up with her. I didn't want to. But I didn't think it was fair to lead her on in a relationship that might just randomly end when I've made my mind on my terms. I thought that was a very selfish option to consider.

You on the other hand suggest she should lead this poor guy on to see how she feels about this. she hasn't mentioned that this is shocking or new behavior from him.

she hasn't said anything positive about him.

and her doubts about breaking up with him are not love.

shes worried about the dog.

he would have to find a new place to live (notice how the dogs mentioned first? nice)

shes not doing it cause shes "never done it before" and lacking the guts to do it.

shes probably worried about breaking up with him without having found a replacement yet and just concerned about being alone. she is worried about feeling alone when she goes back home to visit her family. (this also plugs in well for the cheating option, cause then she wont be alone no matter where goes, how sweet)

then shes also worried about regretting it. regretting it because he moves on and does well? that maybe shes not the catch and he is? I mean why would you regret breaking up with someone AND resent them. only if you realized you can't do better right? or. that they can do better than you.

Original post by jennysl04

Good for her that she doesn't have a job or kids or a mortgage at her age and can 'jump ship' whenever she wants, AND have as many male or female friends as she likes!

she could jump ship whenever she wanted even then. its just "good for her" that the only people who have to suffer are her dog and boyfriend rather than husband and kids.

and have as many male and female friends as she likes!

uni friends are overrated. trust me I've been twice (and finished)

the people I still talk to most of the time are my old friends from before uni.

the whole myth of "go to uni and make friends for life" is from our parents. uni was different nowadays.

uni nowadays is just an extension of school. where most people do nothing with their degree n just go on to work in h&m until they have a kid n realize they need to make more money.

its not the "bastion of intellectualism" that it used to be.

so don't go expecting to "find more that get you" no. its just like school. just for adults who still wanna behave like kids.

so yea its her first year of uni and she started in september. she posted in january. meaning she was already on holiday at the time. so she, at most, had known these people for 4 months.

so you are willing to get rid of your boyfriend over people you've known for 4 months?

but heres the kicker.

he's not saying "wear a burkha and get rid of all yourfriends"

no. she even says her self that he's afraid to make his comments directly.

so he wants her to not dress like she's available. i think most men want that.

he wants her to stop having such a close relationship with the men she's just met at uni.

the men shes going to be around with in lectures, in her flat, in her room studying with her. spending most of her time with, exploring the new town with bonding with and then inevitably banging.

yea he doesn't want guys banging his girl. how controlling.

and he doesn't want his girl indicating to them to come and try.

what a scoundrel

she wants dick around her. end of. shes not content with friends of the same sex. she wants to network amongst a forest of penises.

but anyway. at least she's thinking about the dog. poor old pup....