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Girls - would you date someone who was physically abusive in previous relationship? Watch

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    NEVER! I mean why would anyone wanna be with someone who's been abusive?? You never know when he might change back to being abusive!

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    (Original post by stargirl63)
    Could you explain what you mean by this? I'm not sure I follow... do u mean he forced her to cheat?
    He may have sexually assaulted her too
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    Absolutely not.

    Also, you say you've always known that he has a bit of a temper. That's a red flag right there.
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    You would be a complete idiot to carry on with this guy knowing what you do about him. The kind of person that can treat another like that in the first place is not a 'genuinely nice guy' - stop kidding yourself! Seriously, having been in a physically abusive relationship myself, do yourself a favour, take my advice and stay away from him.

    I would also point out that it is highly unlikely that he has been completely honest with you about what happened, the whole cheating story could just be a cover to soften the blow of finding out about his abuse, not that it justifies abuse either way. It is likely that whatever he did is far more horrible than he has told you, remember that.
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    Definitely not. Obviously not everyone is the same and he may genuinely regret it but I think the risk is too great.
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    (Original post by pickup)
    Some one who is abusive is working out some deep seated psychological need to dominate and humiliate other people. They tend to choose lovely, warm, caring people (maybe like you? ) because you will want to believe in the goodness of everyone, you will want to please them, you will find it hard to think that there are manipulative, vicious people out there because you are not like that.

    They certainly won't be choosing , in the main, experienced tough cookies who will fight back or be off at the first inkling of abuse. Their speciality is to start off loving and giving and gradually isolate you from friends and family and work on you so that when the abuse occurs you feel responsible yourself.

    They are confidence tricksters in the sense that they are not showing you their true self, they have ulterior motives linked to their desire to manipulate you and get the better of you. Presumably to make themselves feel better, powerful, in control or to make themselves feel that they are righting wrongs committed on them all through their life.

    One of their favourite ploys is to get you feeling sorry for them - by 'confessing' weaknesses, flaws of character. difficult childhoods, cheating former partners etc. This gets you into a vulnerable frame of mind because you will do anything not to hurt them or upset them anymore than they are already. By the time they have shown their true colours and are 'upset' with you and attacking you, you will believe it is because you are wrong, you have not been sensitive enough to their needs etc. This protects them from you because you think that you can't/ shouldn't complain because the assault is your fault.

    Time and time again the victims think that they can 'cure' these people because they can do what no one else can do - their 'love' for the abusers will reform them, It's a kind of self importance , if you like, a belief in their own power. The mirror image of the abuser but without the ruthlessness of the latter.
    You are making many assumptions here and generalising too broadly. Some people simply cannot control their temper with any human being but may otherwise be good people. Not everyone who is violent is a pathological, sadomasochistic "confidence trickster". The man the OP is describing may very well have been tested to his limits in terms of the cheating, he may have been emotionally manipulated by the girl, and he may also have been physically abused himself. His actions therefore may have been a reaction and a form of defence. Or not. We don't know. But violent people do not all fit into your presumptuous category.
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    (Original post by macromicro)
    You are making many assumptions here and generalising too broadly. Some people simply cannot control their temper with any human being but may otherwise be good people. Not everyone who is violent is a pathological, sadomasochistic "confidence trickster". The man the OP is describing may very well have been tested to his limits in terms of the cheating, he may have been emotionally manipulated by the girl, and he may also have been physically abused himself. His actions therefore may have been a reaction and a form of defence. Or not. We don't know. But violent people do not all fit into your presumptuous category.
    I'm not saying violent people are filled with original sin. But, I do think that they are very dangerous.

    If you cannot control yourself on a regular basis then you are a problem for people who you come in contact with you.

    if you believe you are right to attack other people on a regular basis then you are dangerous.

    I am sure his actions were a reaction to something - but the problem in society is that his reaction is out of all proportion to the 'offence', indeed there may be offence only in his imagination.

    Just because other people don't appreciate or value your ideas, your behavior, cheat, disrespect you etc. you can't physically attack them.

    He may need treatment. It may work. In my experience it may not. In the mean time no one should be advised to be in a close relationship with him as he is a danger to them.

    We already have 2 people a week murdered by their partners we don't need anymore.
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    Ultimately it doesn't matter what any of us say, if you want a relationship with this guy, knowing what you know then that's up to you. Abuse comes in all kinds of guises, physical is just one, you need to be vigilant and the moment you feel he will hurt me if he found out or if I don't do want he wants, then get out! Abuse is not an anger problem, it is all about control. No amount of anger management classes would help, in fact it can make the abuse worse (Did a small amount of work with the probation service with offenders who were convicted for domestic violence offences a few years ago). Has he done any workshops, counselling designed for DV offenders? Just blaming it on the other partner and her cheating is not dealing with HIS issues and his reaction to problems.
    Personally I wouldn't want to be the 'guinea pig' to see if he can have a relationship without resorting to violence, especially if he has not had the appropriate help.
    Good luck and I wish you the best with whatever decision you make.

    P.S. Sorry to keep referring to him as an offender, force of habit!
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    (Original post by macromicro)
    You have ignored what I said and completely changed your original point. My post was a response to your assumption that violent people are pathological manipulators. I showed you that this is nonsense, and that you were only describing one subgroup of violent people. You have now replied with something irrelevant and very obvious, i.e. that violent people can be dangerous.

    Also, please learn how to paragraph correctly.
    I thought we were discussing one sub group of violent people ; those who manipulate their partners.

    I'm not sure how the fact that violent people are dangerous is irrelevant to the discussion of whether the OP should be in a relationship with one.

    I will, of course, immediately start a course on paragraphing but being a slow learner you may have to bear with me some time.
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    (Original post by Rakas21)
    He was cheated on multiple times and did not dump her, this suggests he is weak or insecure. He was cheated on and responded with violence, this suggests that he lacks the mental discipline to control his emotions.

    Clearly OP, i recommend that you go no further in your dealings with somebody who is clearly not a good choice as a prospective mate.
    I couldn't agree with this more - totally hits the nail on the head. If he can't process this sort of thing, what happens when you do something that reminds him of how his ex treated him? Im not saying that you'd cheat on him, but its possible through some innocuous action it reminds him of his ex and he loses his temper - there would be no way of seeing it coming - and what would happen then? My concern is that once you're invested in a relationship, its much harder to leave. I doubt his physical abuse of his girlfriend started out with outright punches and slaps, my understanding is that it tends to be more insidious than that. Questions surely have to be raised as to why she cheated - not trying to justify her behaviour at all, it sounds like they were just terrible for each other.

    For reference purposes, I'm basing this on my girlfriend who was treated fairly appallingly by her ex-boyfriend, and it certainly didn't start out as full-blown abuse, it built up gradually, until she was so turned around in her own head she couldn't see what normal was anymore. Obviously everyone's different, but having had to deal first-hand with ramifications of such actions, I wouldn't ever recommend getting involved with someone like that.

    (Original post by stargirl63)
    Yes - this is the logical response I need. Basically from what I have said - what kinda person do you gather him to be. Appreciate your post, +1
    Heartened to see you're taking it on board - really makes me glad, if I'm honest. A shocking amount of people I met at University were subjected to various kinds of abusive behaviour that I couldn't even comprehend subjecting someone to, and brushed it off as an accepted part of relationships. It took one girl being dragged out of a club by her hair by her on-off boyfriend for her to finally see the light.

    Hope you make the best choice for you - I just wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone with whom I would have to constantly look over my shoulder with. That's just no way to live.
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    (Original post by Gallabay)

    For reference purposes, I'm basing this on my girlfriend who was treated fairly appallingly by her ex-boyfriend, and it certainly didn't start out as full-blown abuse, it built up gradually, until she was so turned around in her own head she couldn't see what normal was anymore. Obviously everyone's different, but having had to deal first-hand with ramifications of such actions, I wouldn't ever recommend getting involved with someone like that.
    Could I just ask what the ramifications are? What type of problems psychologically was she dealing with? How was it for you?
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    No, no, no!
    What if he ends up doing something to you? And it is harder to get out of an abusive relationship than it seems!
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    I used to know one abuser, and I know three friends who were abused (not all from the same abuser) whom I have supported over the years. I start by saying this because I have seen both sides of things.
    The abuser had three partners, all of which were victims of abuse and I know it won't change.
    All of the friends spoke like you do about how genuinely nice the person was, treated lavishly and everything was fun. As indicated already, it could be seen as genuine intent or it could be seen as a confidence trick - to give a false sense of security that all is well. Hard to distinguish them apart.
    I won't say what is right or wrong in your situation as only you know him and can make that judgement.
    The bottom line is - violence of any kind is wrong, no matter how hurt he may have felt. It simply lacks restraint.
    Whatever you decide, the other traits I can say to look out for is the controlling behaviour that's been mentioned already, mostly socially and financially. The fact that he's been a 'victim' of infidelity, it can lead to paranoia - usually where you're going if you go out, when you'll be back, who you're meeting, what you're wearing, who you're talking to on phone, text or emails etc.
    Also financially as in sharing and controlling finances and accumulating debt etc.
    If you do decide not to continue, please please take care.
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    no way I would stay... he gives you excuses about why, but if he has the capacity for that sort of anger and abusive behaviour it will likely come out again, you don't even need to cheat on him, having a close male friend or him seeing you chat to a guy at work 'too much' could set him off
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    (Original post by stargirl63)
    Could I just ask what the ramifications are? What type of problems psychologically was she dealing with? How was it for you?
    Nothing you can't google, I'm sure - but very hard work and requiring of a lot of patience.

    I'm curious as to why you're requesting specific examples - is it out of, if you'll pardon the term, voyeuristic curiosity, or because you're weighing up how much damage there might be vs. potential happiness if, in the unlikely scenario, it all works out?

    I would suggest neither are overly brilliant lines of thought.
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    (Original post by stargirl63)
    Hey, I'm looking for some advice here, I'm so confused I don't know what to do. I'm hoping someone can think logically for me.

    I have been seeing someone for two months, been on about 4-5 dates, talk most days and we slept together on Tuesday.

    Last night, he told me he had a confession to make - that in his previous relationship he was physically abusive to his girlfriend whom he lived with for 3 years. I'm taking punches, slaps and choking. I knew he had a bit of a temper, but I had no idea it was this bad. Reason being she was unfaithful, she cheated on him three times and he found it difficult to forgive her and her actions were constantly at the forefront of his mind. To say the relationship was toxic is an understatement.

    He's not excusing what he has done, and takes full responsibility for it. He feels guilt everyday and can't think about doing that to anyone else. He is deeply ashamed of himself. From what I have seen , there's nothing but good to say about him, but now, I just don't know. He has told me what he is capable of and has promised himself this would never happen again - but I don't want to be a fool and continue on this road if it is just going to go downhill.

    He could have potentially kept this a secret and I would have been none the wiser so the fact that he told me this and wanted to be honest with me, I feel it gives him some brownie points.

    I really like him, and he is a genuinely nice guy and to think he can do something like this makes me sick. Because we have slept together, I feel like I have given him that intimate part of me, so I am struggling to think logically about this.

    Does he deserve a chance? Can you change? Is it wrong to judge someone on their past- surely we all have things we are not proud of?

    I would appreciate any advice because I really don't know what to do.
    Wow, thats so intense! Although, like you said, he was honest with you and opened up to you, which many people wouldnt bother doing, so perhaps he is fully aware of his wrong doings and intends to change.
    I do believe that people can learn from their mistakes, although I know, if I heard that somebody I was in love with tell me they had physically assualted someone (in this case, horrific violence), I would immediately lose respect for them, feel incredibly sad and worried, and would be, naturally, suspicous. I think my family would be worried for me too, and want me to run for the hills :/ which is understandable, right?

    Its up to you what you do, but id keep my guard up if i were you. Behaviour like that can be impulsive and spontaneous, so dont trust him if he says that he'll never do something like that again. What are your thoughts?
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    (Original post by stargirl63)
    Does no one here think to give him a chance?
    Does he deserve that chance if he ends up beating and controlling you? It's just not worth the risk. The thing is, for anyone to react with violence in such a manner is not a one off thing. It's not a normal response to stress. It is an emotional problem often rooted in low-self esteem and things like that don't 'just change' without some kind of therapy or help. If that guy was already capable of doing that, he still is.
    The other thing is, the way he says how ashamed and guilty he is, doesn't make him genuine or even wanting to change. It actually means he is testing you. Because he knows that if you forgive him or reassure him that he's not a terrible person, that you have a weak spot that he can tap into. You're basically telling him it's okay to use violence which will make him feel less guilty and more dangerous.
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    (Original post by Bernana)
    Does he deserve that chance if he ends up beating and controlling you? It's just not worth the risk. The thing is, for anyone to react with violence in such a manner is not a one off thing. It's not a normal response to stress. It is an emotional problem often rooted in low-self esteem and things like that don't 'just change' without some kind of therapy or help. If that guy was already capable of doing that, he still is.
    The other thing is, the way he says how ashamed and guilty he is, doesn't make him genuine or even wanting to change. It actually means he is testing you. Because he knows that if you forgive him or reassure him that he's not a terrible person, that you have a weak spot that he can tap into. You're basically telling him it's okay to use violence which will make him feel less guilty and more dangerous.
    Hang in, so just to make sure I have read that correctly, by seeing if I would forgive his previous actions essentially is him testing whether or not I would put up with it should it happen to me? So actually, admitting this past to me was less about him coming clean and more about whether or not I could be the next potential victim?
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    (Original post by Muttley79)
    Difficult question!

    Before I read the thread my instinct was 'steer clear' but having read what you have written he appears contrite.

    I think I'd give him a chance but the first time I felt threatened, he'd be gone.
    Part of me agrees with this but...

    (Original post by Rakas21)
    He was cheated on multiple times and did not dump her, this suggests he is weak or insecure. He was cheated on and responded with violence, this suggests that he lacks the mental discipline to control his emotions.

    Clearly OP, i recommend that you go no further in your dealings with somebody who is clearly not a good choice as a prospective mate.
    ... the other part of me agrees with this.

    OP, add a poll.
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    (Original post by stargirl63)
    Hang in, so just to make sure I have read that correctly, by seeing if I would forgive his previous actions essentially is him testing whether or not I would put up with it should it happen to me? So actually, admitting this past to me was less about him coming clean and more about whether or not I could be the next potential victim?
    Yes absolutely that is exactly what it means. It's a trick people like that use. And remember, if you ever think he's 'just too nice' to be violent towards you, remind yourself that no one is that perfect (as he has already proved).
 
 
 
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