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is my boyfriend emotionally abusive? watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    God I feel like Im reading my own post here... The top bit is EXACTLY what its like with him he'd always do stuff as a way of 'punishment' to 'teach me a lesson' and gave me 'final warnings'. Then he'd dump me again and come back to give us another chance. He'd say that his head is a mess which is why hes going back and forth.

    I wouldnt say this guy is insecure, the best way to describe him would be..one of those guys that work in Hollister/abercrombie & fitch, except with a really big muscly body. He knows how good looking he is and that he can have any girl.

    There was an incident where he cheated on me and said it was my fault and that it wouldnt happen if i didnt doubt him..and another time before that he almost got with a girl in front of me in a club but said i was just over reacting and that he only wants me because im so perfect.

    I was fuming at both occassions, and I even dumped him myself.. then he came back begging for a chance. And I soon let go of my anger and thought i cant let him go because our future will be so amazing and our happy times were the best times of my life.
    So of all the men in the world, you have decided to choose one who cheats on you, is jealous, is abusive, manipulates you by changing his mind about you all the time, is controlling etc. You claim to be so in love with him, to consider he's the best / most handsome / wonderful man then in the next breath you're complaining about him.

    We deduce that despite what you have claimed, you don't like him, you like what you want him to be. You don't like the fact he's abusive, you want him to be nice to you. You don't like him to cheat, you want him to be loyal. You don't want him to keep leaving but he does. You want to be able to believe what he says, you can't. You want to be happy, you are sad. You say you won't find anyone better!! Heavens the first chap you meet in the street could hardly be worse.

    You do recognise that he's horrible because you are trying to persuade yourself that he will change, when you get married, have children ...

    HE WON"T. It'll get worse, much worse, because in addition to feeling sad yourself you'll have to cope with guilt, with unhappy, manipulated, abused children too.; knowing that you could have prevented their misery by not marrying him.

    If he's controlling you now, how much more will he do it when you actually married to him and dependant on him. He will create emotional havoc where ever he goes.

    Write a list of all the things you want to change about him. Then leave, now. Block him change your phone number. Kiss the ground and thank God that you got out without damaging yourself more and without bringing your children into a catastrophic situation that you were stupid enough to continue.

    Every time you start weakening, and you will, because he'll try and get you back with more insincere promises, reread them.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
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    It sounds like he has a lot of problems with himself.
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    So the update about a week later is as follows..
    He continued coming back and leaving. He continued telling me I'm the most perfect thing in the world and telling me that his dad gave him money for his first house and it could've been a great start for us to have a family.
    Followed by telling me that I am a mistake, that he can do better than me (after telling me he won't ever love anyone more because I'm perfect), and saying how there's so many insults he could put forward that would turn me psycho.
    Every now and then I feel like I am strong enough to let it all go, but he knows exactly what to say to drag me back into it. It's Christmas and he's not holding back. Sweetest Christmas card but today I heard I was a mistake. I feel like the second another girl comes by he'd leave for good in a heartbeat but I'm being put through this mess in the meantime. I still can't let go
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    It's clear that he's manipulative and I've only read about half of it. Get rid of him. I don't know why you would tolerate that, I get that he's nice to you as well but that's part of the manipulation. Carrot and stick.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So the update about a week later is as follows..
    He continued coming back and leaving. He continued telling me I'm the most perfect thing in the world and telling me that his dad gave him money for his first house and it could've been a great start for us to have a family.
    Followed by telling me that I am a mistake, that he can do better than me (after telling me he won't ever love anyone more because I'm perfect), and saying how there's so many insults he could put forward that would turn me psycho.
    Every now and then I feel like I am strong enough to let it all go, but he knows exactly what to say to drag me back into it. It's Christmas and he's not holding back. Sweetest Christmas card but today I heard I was a mistake. I feel like the second another girl comes by he'd leave for good in a heartbeat but I'm being put through this mess in the meantime. I still can't let go
    Get out now. He is going to completely tear your self-esteem, self-respect and self-worth to bits.


    Do you want to turn into a shadow of yourself, constantly afraid of saying/ doing the wrong thing? If so, stay. If not, find the strength to leave. Have you told anyone about this? This is emotional abuse, you need to get out.
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    He sounds like a right pain in the arse.
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    Sounds like a beta
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    I'm starting to wonder whether this is a toxic relationship. I have no strength to leave. I have no one to talk about as all my friends are sick of it and I lost a lot of them because of him. My mum says that we just argue a lot but keeps supporting the idea of us being together

    I'm told I'm a attractive girl, but I feel awful looking at myself in the mirror. I feel worthless, feel like no ones gonna love me again. I lost all self esteem, all self respect, I let this guy walk all over me and I realise that. But he'll be sweet for a minute and I fall for it all. I can't do this alone. I'm scared I'll mess up my future because I'm messing up at uni because of it. I lost my friends. I wonder if I can get help somewhere else.
    I can't find anything to do to take my mind off it because I take anti depressants already and I have no strength to get out and do stuff. Besides like I said I'm all alone now
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    (Original post by BrokenLife)
    Sorry but don't ever get into a relationship. Men are not worth it. They are heartless creatures with never ending ego. Sorry if I'm generalising but that's I've learnt. There is only one man I know of who is actually a man.
    Your engagement come crashing down or what?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm starting to wonder whether this is a toxic relationship. I have no strength to leave. I have no one to talk about as all my friends are sick of it and I lost a lot of them because of him. My mum says that we just argue a lot but keeps supporting the idea of us being together

    I'm told I'm a attractive girl, but I feel awful looking at myself in the mirror. I feel worthless, feel like no ones gonna love me again. I lost all self esteem, all self respect, I let this guy walk all over me and I realise that. But he'll be sweet for a minute and I fall for it all. I can't do this alone. I'm scared I'll mess up my future because I'm messing up at uni because of it. I lost my friends. I wonder if I can get help somewhere else.
    I can't find anything to do to take my mind off it because I take anti depressants already and I have no strength to get out and do stuff. Besides like I said I'm all alone now
    This certainly sounds like a toxic relationship as not only is he messing you around in your relationship with him but it is negatively affecting your education, your social life outside of him, and your own perception of yourself.

    You can get help elsewhere, there are hotlines, and centres, your university will certainly help and I'd be willing to be that those friends you feel you've lost would probably help as well. Main thing, stay the hell away from him and make sure he stays away from you. Get completely shot of him.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm starting to wonder whether this is a toxic relationship. I have no strength to leave. I have no one to talk about as all my friends are sick of it and I lost a lot of them because of him. My mum says that we just argue a lot but keeps supporting the idea of us being together

    I'm told I'm a attractive girl, but I feel awful looking at myself in the mirror. I feel worthless, feel like no ones gonna love me again. I lost all self esteem, all self respect, I let this guy walk all over me and I realise that. But he'll be sweet for a minute and I fall for it all. I can't do this alone. I'm scared I'll mess up my future because I'm messing up at uni because of it. I lost my friends. I wonder if I can get help somewhere else.
    I can't find anything to do to take my mind off it because I take anti depressants already and I have no strength to get out and do stuff. Besides like I said I'm all alone now
    I can understand that the idea of leaving him might seem difficult, and not giving in despite his false promises. Remember all the times he hurt you, when he tries to reel you back in. I hope you can stay strong, and leave him before this relationship ruins your entire life with long-term detrimental effects. Don't let him isolate you from your friends anymore, and negatively impact your uni studies. He is simply not worth it. You have to put your emotional well-being first.

    I can say without a doubt that you deserve so much better than this guy, and getting rid of him will be the first step to re-gaining your self-esteem and finding the good love you are worthy of. Help is always available, and you are not alone. I am sorry that you have had to suffer through this ordeal, and feel free to message me if you want someone to talk to.

    On another note, I also think he genuinely needs help, because his behaviour seems unstable. Although, he needs to be the one to acknowledge that and knowing what he's like, he'll probably hold you accountable for this. I can only recommend that you end this relatinship for the sake of your sanity before matters become too severe.
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    (Original post by Zara!)
    I can understand that the idea of leaving him might seem difficult, and not giving in despite his false promises. Remember all the times he hurt you, when he tries to reel you back in. I hope you can stay strong, and leave him before this relationship ruins your entire life with long-term detrimental effects. Don't let him isolate you from your friends anymore, and negatively impact your uni studies. He is simply not worth it. You have to put your emotional well-being first.

    I can say without a doubt that you deserve so much better than this guy, and getting rid of him will be the first step to re-gaining your self-esteem and finding the good love you are worthy of. Help is always available, and you are not alone. I am sorry that you have had to suffer through this ordeal, and feel free to message me if you want someone to talk to.

    On another note, I also think he genuinely needs help, because his behaviour seems unstable. Although, he needs to be the one to acknowledge that and knowing what he's like, he'll probably hold you accountable for this. I can only recommend that you end this relatinship for the sake of your sanity before matters become too severe.
    I'm trying to think about all the vile things he has done to me..like kicking me out of his flat at 3am half naked and throwing my stuff out, or hitting me to the point where I had a concussion, or meeting me on Christmas Eve to "talk" and being his usual charming self and then losing it in public saying he can't cope with me and that I am a mistake and he can do so much better (a lot of people said to him that he's punching way above his weight and since he's very vain it gets to him a lot). But then this morning he's texted me how he's so in love with me still despite breaking up with me again last night. It's a constant cycle, breaks up, becomes nasty, comes back.

    Part of me thinks this time he won't come back but part of me thinks that every time he leaves me.

    Whenever I do feel slightly better, he manages to find his way back in. And for two days we are perfect, then he gets angry at me all over again.

    I don't know whether I should meet him and tell him that I've realised he's emotionally abusive, or whether I should leave without my feelings being heard yet again
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm trying to think about all the vile things he has done to me..like kicking me out of his flat at 3am half naked and throwing my stuff out, or hitting me to the point where I had a concussion, or meeting me on Christmas Eve to "talk" and being his usual charming self and then losing it in public saying he can't cope with me and that I am a mistake and he can do so much better (a lot of people said to him that he's punching way above his weight and since he's very vain it gets to him a lot). But then this morning he's texted me how he's so in love with me still despite breaking up with me again last night. It's a constant cycle, breaks up, becomes nasty, comes back.

    Part of me thinks this time he won't come back but part of me thinks that every time he leaves me.

    Whenever I do feel slightly better, he manages to find his way back in. And for two days we are perfect, then he gets angry at me all over again.

    I don't know whether I should meet him and tell him that I've realised he's emotionally abusive, or whether I should leave without my feelings being heard yet again
    Wow, that is astounding. No one deserves to be treated like that. I don't know how you could put up with that type of abusive behaviour, but I suppose it's because of your feelings for him. I don't know either of you, but based on everything I have read, I agree that he is punching above his weight and the truth is that he also knows that. To be frank, his declarations of "love" mean nothing, because you don't treat someone you genuinely love and care about like that. I don't believe that he truly loves anyone, except for himself because this guy seems narcissistic and in denial about his shortcomings. He is basically projecting all of his insecurities on you, which isn't right.

    This cycle is seemingly never going to end, unless one of you puts an end to it. It doesn't seem like he is capable of doing that, and wants to keep you around to be his personal punching bag because he is not strong enough to deal with his own issues. It's such a bad outlet, and he needs to channel his anger and etc. in a constructive manner. You shouldn't have to be his victim.

    You should let him know why you're leaving him by text or maybe a phone call, because I fear he might cause you harm if you call him out in a face to face meeting. I would also imagine it would be easier to stick by your decision without seeing him cry or whatever else he might do, to play up sympathy for you to stay.

    I hope you can manage to enjoy today without having to worry about his inconsistent hot and cold behaviour.

    Good luck.

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    (Original post by Zara!)
    Wow, that is astounding. I don't know how you can put up with that type of abusive behaviour, but I suppose it's because of your feelings for him. I don't know either of you, but I agree, he is punching above his weight and the truth is that he also knows that. His words of "love" mean nothing, because you don't treat someone you love like that. I don't believe that he truly loves anyone, except for himself because this guy seems narcissistic.

    This cycle is seemingly never going to end, unless one of you puts an end to it. It doesn't seem like he is not capable of doing that, and wants to keep you around to be his personal punching bag because he is not strong enough to deal with his own issues. It's such a bad outlet, and he needs to channel his anger and etc. in a constructive manner. You shouldn't have to be his victim.

    You should let him know why you're leaving him by text or maybe a phone call, because I fear he might cause you harm if you call him out in a face to face meeting. I would also imagine it would be easier to stick by your decision without seeing him cry or whatever else he might do, to play up sympathy for you to stay.

    I hope you can manage to enjoy today without having to worry about his inconsistent hot and cold behaviour.

    Good luck.

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    What confuses me is the fact that he's the sweetest most loving person with his family, he's great with his younger cousins, lovely to his friends..and so I feel like he's doing it to me for a reason and that it is all my fault.
    Like I mentioned he is great looking and no doubt will find a gorgeous girlfriend and I worry he'll rub it in my way somehow as he's already tried to made me feel insecure about myself, claiming how he can also insult me in ways which would make me go psycho. Just feels like there's no end to this misery
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What confuses me is the fact that he's the sweetest most loving person with his family, he's great with his younger cousins, lovely to his friends..and so I feel like he's doing it to me for a reason and that it is all my fault.
    Like I mentioned he is great looking and no doubt will find a gorgeous girlfriend and I worry he'll rub it in my way somehow as he's already tried to made me feel insecure about myself, claiming how he can also insult me in ways which would make me go psycho. Just feels like there's no end to this misery
    Yes, he does seem to have an issue with you but I think it's because he's jealous and massively insecure so he wants you to feel the same way. There's nothing you can do about how he behaves towards you, because the fault lies within him. There is no justification for his atrocious behaviour towards you either, and it's definitely not your fault. You are not the one trying to upset and anger him. He is trying to reverse the situation, and in his distorted mind, he probably believes his delusions. Don't fall for these mind games.

    Let him go, because he doesn't treat you right. I would actually pity his new girlfriend because there is a chance he'll treat her badly too. I wonder what his track record with ex-girlfriends are like, because he might have behaved like this in the past or he's had some negative experiences possibly causing him to behave like this. If the latter is true, he is still accountable for his actions and needs to get help to overcome these issues.

    This guy is messed up and immature; he is dragging you down with him. He is rather cruel, and seems to get a kick out of treating you like trash. The misery won't end, until you manage to leave him permanently.

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What confuses me is the fact that he's the sweetest most loving person with his family, he's great with his younger cousins, lovely to his friends..and so I feel like he's doing it to me for a reason and that it is all my fault.
    Like I mentioned he is great looking and no doubt will find a gorgeous girlfriend and I worry he'll rub it in my way somehow as he's already tried to made me feel insecure about myself, claiming how he can also insult me in ways which would make me go psycho. Just feels like there's no end to this misery
    OP, I've sat and read this entire thread for the last 15 minutes. Please, please leave him. Block his number, block him on all social media. You're only going to end up in a worse mess than you already feel. You say you're on antidepressants? Think about your current mental health. Everything will only get worse if you stay. His good looks and charm mean nothing if you feel like **** constantly.
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    (Original post by Zara!)
    Yes, he does seem to have an issue with you but I think it's because he's jealous and massively insecure so he wants you to feel the same way. There's nothing you can do about how he behaves towards you, because the fault lies within him. There is no justification for his atrocious behaviour towards you either, and it's definitely not your fault. You are not the one trying to upset and anger him. He is trying to reverse the situation, and in his distorted mind, he probably believes his delusions. Don't fall for these mind games.

    Let him go, because he doesn't treat you right. I would actually pity his new girlfriend because there is a chance he'll treat her badly too. I wonder what his track record with ex-girlfriends are like, because he might have behaved like this in the past or he's had some negative experiences possibly causing him to behave like this. If the latter is true, he is still accountable for his actions and needs to get help to overcome these issues.

    This guy is messed up and immature; he is dragging you down with him. He is rather cruel, and seems to get a kick out of treating you like trash. The misery won't end, until you manage to leave him permanently.

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    In terms of other girls, there was one ex who he didn't abuse but he has cheated on her multiple times and even yesterday brought up the fact he walked all over her and didn't care about her and I know he lied to her about certain stuff once their relationship started losing the spark before they ended it. But it seemed normal compared to this. Which is why I can't help but blame myself for it all..I know I need to get out but I know it's gonna be impossible to deal with alone
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    (Original post by Airmed)
    OP, I've sat and read this entire thread for the last 15 minutes. Please, please leave him. Block his number, block him on all social media. You're only going to end up in a worse mess than you already feel. You say you're on antidepressants? Think about your current mental health. Everything will only get worse if you stay. His good looks and charm mean nothing if you feel like **** constantly.
    I've accepted it's toxic but I blame myself. Every now and then I open my eyes and realise he's treating me like crap and feel like I can move on. But he then finds a way to come back and say something that makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world and I became so weak I actually fall for it every single time
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've accepted it's toxic but I blame myself. Every now and then I open my eyes and realise he's treating me like crap and feel like I can move on. But he then finds a way to come back and say something that makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world and I became so weak I actually fall for it every single time
    I know he does. My boyfriend makes me feel like the happiest girl in the world too but he doesn't dump me if I want to talk to my friends. You need to take a cold, hard look at your relationship and be critical about it - even if it hurts to walk away, the pain won't last as you will move on. But if you stay the pain will only get worse.

    I know we are all being harsh and we don't know you but we just want the best outcome for you. And that's walking away now.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    In terms of other girls, there was one ex who he didn't abuse but he has cheated on her multiple times and even yesterday brought up the fact he walked all over her and didn't care about her and I know he lied to her about certain stuff once their relationship started losing the spark before they ended it. But it seemed normal compared to this. Which is why I can't help but blame myself for it all..I know I need to get out but I know it's gonna be impossible to deal with alone
    Cheating and lying are forms of abuse, in my eyes, because these things go hand in hand with physical and/or emotional abuse. He clearly lacks respect and empathy for his partners. I believe he's just getting worse with time, which is reflected in your current relationship dynamic. He is the one behaving poorly, so it's not your fault. The only thing you are guilty of is allowing yourself to be subjected to his abuse by not leaving him. You are strong enough to deal with it, and it can't be worse than how he makes you feel during the down points. This relationship is like a drug. You know it's only going to get worse and more difficult to leave him, the longer you put it off. We are here to support you, and I'm sure your family and friends will comfort you as well.

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