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Years later, still mourning loss of my virginity to a man who didn't care about me :( Watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    You're right I need to stop being cynical and believing that I will only ever attract guys who want to use me. I think I feel that because I think that's what I deserve, which is something I need to work on.

    Thanks for the encouragement I can't afford to give up. Perhaps that is part of my problem I gave up on happiness before I even had the chance to experience it. And I think it's true I need to take action rather than rely on fate. I've never been a fan of the whole 'it will find you when you are not looking'!
    What are you currently doing with tour life? I.e. are you working, studying, etc.?
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    The implicit pressure that young people feel to 'lose it' early is a symptom of Britain's increasingly sexualised culture. I doubt the OP would have fallen into such a situation if being a virgin / being inexperienced wasn't ridiculed in the ways that it is today in our society.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He is terrible, and I am happy that you have realised that.You are not to blame. He was taking advantage of you, exploiting the fact that you lacked experience, which may have led him to assuming that you wanted experience with someone, with your confession.Loneliness has that impact. It can cause desperation and despair if desires are not sated. Especially when you had low self-esteem at the time and when combined with loneliness,pessimism began to overwhelm you. It clouded your rationality to be able to think that those were merely thoughts, that you were still young at the time, with ample amount of time to find someone to share intimate moments with. Ignore the comments that will make you blame yourself even more.

    I cannot see you being the fault of the situation here.He clearly has some issues of his own, to be so abusive - physically violent on a few occasions? A major red flag there.Thank him for what... Having sex to become a 'real woman'? Nonsense. You don't need to have sex to become a real woman, there are people out there who have no desire to engage in a sexual relationship and thereby refrain engaging sexually with others.That doesn't make them less of whatever gender they are. It is merely a life choice.Asking 'Did you bleed after?' and his insults to put you down suggests that he had intention to hurt you all along. Evidently a ****. He wants to check that you've genuinely been toyed by him.

    To be the 'real woman' is to be able to recognise that that he's an idiot, he is abusive and manipulative.Stay away from these poisonous people once you are able to highlight the indicators.The harsh truth is that there will always be comparison, but the person who genuinely loves and cares about you will make you feel assured that you do not need to feel that you are in a competition with anyone else for his/her love. Insecurities are hard to overcome, particularly after you've had a damaging experience to your esteem. In other words, this situation that we have here.
    Oh wow I don't know how I didn't read this before, it must have kept slipping between the first and page.

    Reading you response really helped, thanks. It's true I was very lonely and looking for a way out of my loneliness and as you say pessimistic I didn't believe that love could ever happen for a girl like me. I've been trying to explore where those feeling came from in the first place and I think it was linked to school yard teasing (including being I was told I would never get a boyfriend which has stood true over a decade later) and my own parents relationship, but that's a whole other thread.

    As much as the experience hurt me I now know what to look out for, the red flags as you say, and I know what I won't put up with in future. In some ways it feels as though it would be safer just not to bother with relationships so I don't have to face the possibility of being mistreated which may be part of the reason I tell myself no one wants me or care about me.

    That's a very good point about comparison. I guess whilst there is a lot of it in the world the one that is right for me will not need convincing of my good qualities, or make me compete for their affection. Indeed my insecurities are hard to shake and seem so deep rooted but I think I still have some hope although it's going to be a mammoth task getting there.
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    (Original post by RivalPlayer)
    The implicit pressure that young people feel to 'lose it' early is a symptom of Britain's increasingly sexualised culture. I doubt the OP would have fallen into such a situation if being a virgin / being inexperienced wasn't ridiculed in the ways that it is today in our society.
    Yeah I was literally the one and only virgin that I knew so I felt like there was something seriously wrong with me, and I knew a lot of people back then I was quite sociable. Most girls had multiple partners before hitting 20 and now I feel kind of sad because they are the ones getting engaged now that we are in our mid to late 20s and I'm still waiting for my first proper boyfriend, in fact I'm still waiting to be asked out on a first date!

    It's not until I was older and looked on the Internet that I realised that it's certainly not unheard of to be a virgin in your 20s and beyond.
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    (Original post by Tinemither)
    What are you currently doing with tour life? I.e. are you working, studying, etc.?
    I've gone back to studying for a little while, I should be done soon and will hopefully get a job.
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    (Original post by mscaffrey)
    You are not to blame. This guy took advantage of you when you were in a vulnerable position and used your emotions and worries (of never finding anyone) to get what he wanted. He sounds like a complete ****, but how you were treated was not your fault.

    I know it's not easy to get over decisions you have made, but what you can do is refuse to take the blame or feel wrong or dirty or ashamed about your experience in this relationship. Very few adults are walking around this earth having made no decisions they regret, and I think most regrets that adults have involve sex or relationships. Unfortunately, so many feelings are involved where sex is concerned that it can be easy to make emotionally charged decisions and wonder why you made them later. All you can do is accept that what happened in your past happened but acknowledge that it has no bearing on your present or your future. You will find somebody in the future who does love and cherish you and who treats you how you deserve to be treated. One bad experience doesn't dictate the whole of your life.
    Yes I think I know now, at least for myself, not to take sex lightly as there's a lot of complex emotions that get involved for me.

    That's a good point that I never thought about, how many people's regrets often point back to sex and/or relationships. I suppose my 'mistakes' make me all the more human.

    And indeed as much as it hurt me there's no way I want this one experience to determine the rest of my life when I have the opportunity to make so much more of it. I think I'm going through the acceptance phase at the moment and making peace with it all so I can move on to better.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yes I know I'm the one to blame as I said I feel bad that I was willing to stoop so low in my desperation to find a bit of affection.

    Well this was like 6 years ago and I've still not found anyone, I've not even been asked out on a date But I hope that it will become a distant memory and that I will find someone else but I'm not going to hold my breath.
    It was an understandable misjudgment and it was 6 years ago! Please stop obsessing over it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've gone back to studying for a little while, I should be done soon and will hopefully get a job.
    Sounds good. What are you studying?

    Do you have a TSR account?
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    That's unfortunate, hopefully you'll have better luck in the future.
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    omg what a vile person, this is why i vow to lose my virginity after marriage
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've never found a guy who likes or appreciates me
    I've never had a boyfriend either
    I don't get asked out.
    I feel disgusted with myself
    I'm so pathetic
    I would probably die a virgin
    I don't think any man can ever love me
    I probably will never have any fond memories of intimacy or affection in my life and only of being put down and used.
    I just can't forgive myself.

    So my question is how do I get over people who don't think I'm good enough?
    I don't think the problem is what others think of you - its what you think of yourself

    I hate to suggest that the problem is with you, but you clearly lack confidence. You need to realise that others will never be happy with you if you aren't happy with you either. Try to work on improving yourself; making your own life as enjoyable as possible. Nobody will date someone who is dependant on them for enjoyment. People are attracted to others who are ambitious, interesting, characters with a lot going on. Without any information on what your like I can only assume that you are just as capable as anyone else - but lack the self-worth and confidence.


    BTW your friend sounds like a complete 'twunt' - I feel as if hardly anyone else would behave like that.
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    (Original post by WoodyMKC)
    Sadly, there are some manipulative guys out there that prey off low self esteem, the latter of which can be smelt a mile off.
    Amen,no doubt about it
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    Why did obsess about their virginity? It's probably the worst sex you'll ever have. I don't remember the first time I rode (and probably fell off) a bicycle. I don't see the difference lol.
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    (Original post by Tom78)
    Why did obsess about their virginity? It's probably the worst sex you'll ever have. I don't remember the first time I rode (and probably fell off) a bicycle. I don't see the difference lol.
    You can't tell the difference between having sex and riding a bike?

    That tells alot about you.
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    I worry about this happening to me and I am a guy.
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    (Original post by donutellme)
    You can't tell the difference between having sex and riding a bike?

    That tells alot about you.
    That isn't what I said is it. I said the first time you do anything it will be ****, the bicycle was just the analogy I had. That said, I see the similarity considering my ex was the campus bicycle, every one rode her!
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    (Original post by Tom78)
    That isn't what I said is it. I said the first time you do anything it will be ****, the bicycle was just the analogy I had. That said, I see the similarity considering my ex was the campus bicycle, every one rode her!
    That's what I meant. Good thing you broke up, no one wants trash.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah I was literally the one and only virgin that I knew so I felt like there was something seriously wrong with me, and I knew a lot of people back then I was quite sociable. Most girls had multiple partners before hitting 20 and now I feel kind of sad because they are the ones getting engaged now that we are in our mid to late 20s and I'm still waiting for my first proper boyfriend, in fact I'm still waiting to be asked out on a first date!

    It's not until I was older and looked on the Internet that I realised that it's certainly not unheard of to be a virgin in your 20s and beyond.
    You're entirely right. I'm an 18 year old virgin and I have no intent to lose it until a least a minimum of several years (after I finish uni, hopefullyget married etc.) A lot of my friends are the same and it's not a bad thing - if people wanna have sex now then fair enough but I don't feel pressured to follow in their footsteps because. Sometimes I feel a bit embarrassed about it but different and that's okay Similar to you I haven't had a bf since before I was a teen (and even that wasn't a serious thing anyway lol) and the guys who I've had crushes on have never liked me back. It sucks but oh well
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anon please!

    It's always made me sad, but lately it's really been messing with my mind... When I was 20 many years ago I had never had a boyfriend/sex or even been kissed or hugged by an man and literally every other girl around me had been doing so since the age of about 13/14 . In hindsight I'm glad I did not enter such relations so young but at 20 I felt like a freak and an abomination that no guy had ever wanted me, I felt I was the only girl in the world who was unattractive in the eyes of every male.

    When I confessed my lack of experience to a male friend of mine within a few days much to my surprise he came onto me and I had my ever first kiss. He was quite drunk and afterwards was telling me about about all the girls we knew that he thought had great personalities, and he didn't mention me. Anyway I wrote the whole fiasco off as him being drunk. A few months later he came into my room and kissed me again and said we should have sex otherwise I might 'never' lose my virginity so I stupidly agreed. As terrible as it sounds I felt I should feel grateful that someone actually wanted anything from me. It really hurt and I wanted to stop and he got annoyed and told me to keep going. After it was over we were laying in bed and I was cuddling him and within 15 minutes he said 'I can't sleep, I'm going' and he got up and left.

    When I saw him next he said 'you should thank me, you're a 'real' woman now. Did you bleed after?' and when I said yes he smiled. We continued to have sex and I got feelings. He told me my best friend was prettier than me and that he'd rather have sex with her (and later he did, but that's another story), said my clothes and hair weren't nice enough so I went out to buy some more and dyed my hair but he didn't care, he said my body was gross and skinny and used to order me to put my clothes on after sex (even though he usually didn't stick around afterwards) and put me down because I was state school educated (even though I was getting top grades in physics at an RG uni while he failed many classes on another course).

    There's much more to it than this he even got physically violent on a few occasions. It hurts me so much that I lost my virginity to this man and to be honest my entire life I've never found a guy who likes or appreciates me, even as a friend on a basic level. I've never had a boyfriend either and I don't get asked out. I feel disgusted with myself but I only have myself to blame!!! I'm so pathetic that I would stoop so low in order to try and find 'love'. I wish I would have saved it but I would probably die a virgin as I don't think any man can ever love me. No I'm not just being cynical, there's people dying alone every day. I'm just sad that I probably will never have any fond memories of intimacy or affection in my life and only of being put down and used. I just can't forgive myself.

    So my question is how do I get over this, and over people who don't think I'm good enough (which is all men to be honest)?

    Well how about putting all this in one of those locked up drawers of the memory. We have all something.. somethings of which we are not proud of..

    Move on..you need to love yourself first.. if you don't like yourself nobody else will. Don't rush in for love...

    Last thing bodily virginity is a piece of flesh. Innocence, that's what you should cling onto.. It's like looking at the world and life itself with the eyes of a child..
    With Time or should i say age, few people have that If you have it too, then cherish it.
 
 
 
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