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Living with boyfriend - he doesn't contribute equally watch

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    "From each according to their ability, to each according to their need".

    You earn twice as much money as him, and so it is FAIR that you put twice as much money into the household. This principle is gender neutral.

    Fix your attitude, OP.
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    Do you actually love this guy? Do you even like him? Or is he causing you such an inconvenience right now that you really couldn't give a flying *** what he's feeling?

    Please have some consideration OP, you can't treat people like this. But the fact that he's your boyfriend concerns me - I would spend everything I have on my boyfriend, especially if it were only the basics. I NEVER want to see him without - I would rather put food in his belly than in my own and would never expect anything in return other than a 'thankyou'.

    It's just basic respect to figure out what he can afford and what he can't in a percentage/ratio and then stick to it until circumstances change - no complaints. Because it's fair. If you don't like that then you shouldn't be with someone right now because you're too selfish to consider their situation over how much extra pocket money you'll have. You should honestly be glad he's still giving you the time of day never mind his money.
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    See me. I'll treat you better..
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    I don't think this relationship has a future without some major changes.
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    Do you think he has it in his power to pay more? Whether that's from managing his finances better, working more hours/second job, getting a better job? If he does then you need to be really straight with him and don't take any rubbish about doing his best. Tell him he needs to fix it or you're both going to have to look for something else accommodation wise.

    If he doesn't then you need to decide whether you'd rather live together and pay for him or move out and live elsewhere. You need to decide this for you because if you stay living there and resenting him you're going to end up breaking up anyway. If it's not going to change don't do him the disservice of bringing it up repeatedly and getting nowhere because if he can't do anything it's understandable why this upsets him.

    More generally though this is HIS fault for not budgeting appropriately when you moved in together. He should have been really clear about what he was going to be able to pay for, what if he'd got himself in this situation in a shared house where no one would help him out? He'd be screwed. He needs to learn that there will be consequences for this sort of thing.

    I don't think you should be splitting what you pay for proportionally if you don't want to. If you wanted to then fine. I earn less than my partner and I would never expect him to pay extra towards household costs. When we were looking we agreed that my budget was X and he either had to pay more for somewhere nicer or accept living somewhere within my budget. He decided he'd happily live somewhere cheaper and we split everything 50/50. Why shouldn't we? We're not married and haven't been together 20 years. I think paying for the other person to live is quite a bit commitment. It would also lead to just as much resentment on both of your parts, 'why is the heating always on when I have to pay for it', 'why hasn't she done the washing up when I'm paying for everything' etc. I made my choices in order to end up with the job I have and I'm happy to live with that. For the record I would feel horrendously guilty owing my partner money as a result. He lent me money to get us set up (furniture, deposit, fees) and I didn't spend a penny on anything non essential until I'd paid him back.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    That depends on the people involved though. Joint accounts, especially when so early on, can cause massive problems. If one person starts treating the money without respect to their partner then it ends up a mess.
    Eh depends on how you do it.

    We're moving in together later this year and the idea would be to work out all bills and living costs, make a joint account and pay monthly into this. Disposable income after that exists in our own accounts.
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    (Original post by doodle_333)
    Do you think he has it in his power to pay more? Whether that's from managing his finances better, working more hours/second job, getting a better job? If he does then you need to be really straight with him and don't take any rubbish about doing his best. Tell him he needs to fix it or you're both going to have to look for something else accommodation wise.
    No. He shouldn't have to get a second job to equal her salary?

    More generally though this is HIS fault for not budgeting appropriately when you moved in together. He should have been really clear about what he was going to be able to pay for, what if he'd got himself in this situation in a shared house where no one would help him out? He'd be screwed. He needs to learn that there will be consequences for this sort of thing.
    No. In shared housing you all split equally because you see that as fair. However, in shared housing you all have separate food shops, you deck out your own individual spaces however you like and your house mate probably wouldn't feel personally shunned should you order in (for example) without them.

    I don't think you should be splitting what you pay for proportionally if you don't want to.
    But you should. Because otherwise you're going to run your partner into the ground financially by expecting him to shell out on stuff that he can't afford. Say you pay equally, 50% of your pay check goes on household bills, rent etc. He's earning half as much so 100% of EVERYTHING he earns is going on the same thing. So does that mean on occasions like birthdays/christmas, date nights, days out, pub with friends, meal out together - you're going to pick up his half of the tab? Cos y'know, he doesn't have any disposable income whatsoever. Because you wanted him to pay £6 extra towards internet or something...


    We're not married and haven't been together 20 years. I think paying for the other person to live is quite a bit commitment.
    First off, she's not paying for him to live, she should be paying so that he has the opportunity to build up some disposable income of his own so then he can contribute to furniture etc like she wants.

    Secondly - moving in with someone you love is a colossal commitment. If you can make that commitment but not be 'committed' enough to be fair in money then you're not mature enough to be moving in with anyone.

    I understand that you personally agreed to your situation with your OH however, this 50/50 agreement that OP made was before they even moved in and when they realised that she earned DOUBLE what he does (and she doesn't have the personality or compassion to be buying things for her bf that he maybe can't afford) then they should have adjusted that ratio ASAP so it didn't lead to all this resentment in the first place.
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    Lmao, what a relationship this is when you refuse to pay for your partner's food :lol:
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    (Original post by Tw1x)
    When he lost his job I didn't say 'Hah, looks like you're having beans on toast for dinner while I have prime steak'
    :rofl:
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    You shouldn't be cohabiting before marriage. What the **** are your parents doing?
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    (Original post by Nutella:3)
    There have been times recently when I have realised enough is enough, and have refused to pay for his food/travel. But then he can't get to work, he can't eat, I am buying food and cooking it here and then it's really awkward because he sits there while I'm tucking in. I've only actually done that a couple of times because the other times I have felt too guilty and have given in.
    I'd say you couldn't make it up, but it turns out someone already did:

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    (Original post by SallySparrow66)
    No. He shouldn't have to get a second job to equal her salary?

    he claimed he would earn a lot more than he is and now can't afford to live... he's in a minimum wage job, it's not unusual to be working more than 40 hours a week if you want to live alone/not at your parents on that salary, he's be paying more than he is if he lived without her (I assume)


    (Original post by SallySparrow66)
    No. In shared housing you all split equally because you see that as fair. However, in shared housing you all have separate food shops, you deck out your own individual spaces however you like and your house mate probably wouldn't feel personally shunned should you order in (for example) without them.
    my partner gets take out without me all the time, I have the disposable income I have and sometimes can't afford it (because I earn very little), sometimes he treats me and sometimes he doesn't, I don't feel shunned

    (Original post by SallySparrow66)
    But you should. Because otherwise you're going to run your partner into the ground financially by expecting him to shell out on stuff that he can't afford. Say you pay equally, 50% of your pay check goes on household bills, rent etc. He's earning half as much so 100% of EVERYTHING he earns is going on the same thing. So does that mean on occasions like birthdays/christmas, date nights, days out, pub with friends, meal out together - you're going to pick up his half of the tab? Cos y'know, he doesn't have any disposable income whatsoever. Because you wanted him to pay £6 extra towards internet or something...
    what's the point in her paying his share of the bills so he can 'pay her back', OP has an overdraft she can't pay off which wont change if she pays an extra £50 for bills so he can pay her back £50 - she may as well just write off the debt, at least then she owns the furniture she paid for - except she can't afford to do that... she won't be in a better financial position as a result and neither will her boyfriend
    what that means is that they are living in the wrong place, I pay half and I still have money for food, days out, presents etc because I wasn't incapable of forming my own budget, I opted to live somewhere I could afford on my own salary and OP's boyfriend clearly did not do this, they didn't make any agreement that OP would pay so why is her boyfriend expecting her to?


    (Original post by SallySparrow66)
    First off, she's not paying for him to live, she should be paying so that he has the opportunity to build up some disposable income of his own so then he can contribute to furniture etc like she wants.
    as I said before that does not make any logical sense... if OP gives her boyfriend money so he can afford to give it back she may as well keep her money and write off the debt, she will not be in any better situation financially and won't have genuinely been paid back

    (Original post by SallySparrow66)
    Secondly - moving in with someone you love is a colossal commitment. If you can make that commitment but not be 'committed' enough to be fair in money then you're not mature enough to be moving in with anyone.
    I'm mature enough to make my own decisions about my own relationship... and 5+ years in it's going pretty well for both of us, we're both 100% happy with our relationship, what is 'fair' means different things to different people, clearly this doesn't feel fair to OP

    (Original post by SallySparrow66)
    I understand that you personally agreed to your situation with your OH however, this 50/50 agreement that OP made was before they even moved in and when they realised that she earned DOUBLE what he does (and she doesn't have the personality or compassion to be buying things for her bf that he maybe can't afford) then they should have adjusted that ratio ASAP so it didn't lead to all this resentment in the first place.
    if they adjusted the ratio who's to say that OP wouldn't still be resentful?

    yes, the income disparity has changed, in large part because OPs boyfriend didn't actually work out a genuine estimate of what he would be earning, that is not OPs fault...that is the problem here because OP is essentially being FORCED to change the percentages based on what her boyfriend decides to pay, there is no decision being made at all, they haven't sat down together and found something they can be happy with, she is being left with no choice as if she doesn't pay her boyfriend doesn't eat

    I really cannot believe that people would be happy with two huge overdrafts because they are having to subsidize their partner because he claimed he would earn enough to live in a two bed house and clearly doesn't, OP does not owe her partner anything, I agree that I would never let my partner starve if he fell on hard times or something, if he was unemployed briefly I would support him if I could etc but I wouldn't be happy in this situation AT ALL, OPs boyfriend has made a stupid decision to move somewhere he can't afford and expecting OP to sabotage her own financial security (her overdrafts will still be there if this relationship ends and in her name) to make up for that long term is just not fair.
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    (Original post by Tw1x)
    This. I found OPs attitude quite shocking really, when you live together it isn't 'mine' or 'theirs' its OURS. Hence why you live together. Its not like he's wasting his money, he just earns less than you. You knew this before you moved in together. My partner earns a hell of a lot more than me, I don't pay half. So what? If he's poor we're both poor and vice versa. When he lost his job I didn't say 'Hah, looks like you're having beans on toast for dinner while I have prime steak' or leave him sat at home while I went out spending money. It's OUR money and OUR home - why would I get petty about buy something. As long as the bills are paid and food in the cupboard, who cares?
    So much this.


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    (Original post by Nutella:3)
    I have been with my boyfriend for a year. He has been my best friend for longer.

    We both left university last Summer and after a short while of doing our own thing we decided to take the next step and move in together. We have been living together since November.

    I'm looking for some advice. Since leaving University we have both managed to secure a job. His job pays minimum wage, mine is higher. In total, each month I earn at least double what he does.

    Unfortunately this has caused us a lot of problems. We rent a 2 bed house, and before we moved in we agreed to split everything 50/50 to make it fair. This includes bills, food, etc.

    Here are a few of the issues:-
    * Our house was offered unfurnished, so we had to buy everything from scratch. I have bought every single item of furniture, except a 40" TV which is his. As you can imagine this cost me massively. Initially we agreed to split 50/50 on furniture, but now it's turned into an IOU on his part.
    * I lent him £100 at the beginning of the tenancy, to contribute towards first months' rent. I had to dip into my overdraft to pay for this, and he agreed to pay me back - in full, including fee - on his next payday. This didn't happen.
    * He pays for bills and rent, but not much else. I am having to pay for his food, travel costs, etc.

    To cut a long story short, he is paying equally for bills and rent, but not much else. I own all the furniture, which has cost me over £2000 in total, even though I got them from discount furniture shops/charity shops. I am buying his food for him, and am "lending" him money. He owes me at least £450, which he has agreed to pay me back £20 a month, because that's all he can afford. He owes a lot of people a lot of money, so I feel obliged to accept whatever he is willing to give me.

    There have been times recently when I have realised enough is enough, and have refused to pay for his food/travel. But then he can't get to work, he can't eat, I am buying food and cooking it here and then it's really awkward because he sits there while I'm tucking in. I've only actually done that a couple of times because the other times I have felt too guilty and have given in.

    I keep thinking, what is the other option? If he can't afford it, then he will have to move out - and I desperately don't want him to. I would rather keep paying for him (although I hate doing it) than for him to move out.

    I think my main worry is that 25% of my pay each month goes on my share of the bills, but because of everything else I am having to pay, I am left with barely anything afterwards. I have been employed since September and have not been able to save any money up, and have maxed both of my overdrafts.

    I've tried speaking to him about it but he shuts down, shouts and gets really arsey, saying he's trying his best. I know he is deep down, but at the same time I don't think it's fair.

    I don't really know why I'm posting this.. I guess I just want other people's
    thoughts on the situation.

    I'm seeing two big problems here.

    the first being he won't even talk about the issue without throwing a tantrum, you deserve better than that. He should not be shouting at you because of his failings and lack of being a responsible adult.

    The second being his very clear poor money management. Unless you are living in a very expensive place he should have no trouble at least affording food, rent and bills on minimum wage since the costs are halved with there being two of you.

    I'd be more wary about being in a relationship with someone who clearly can't manage his money and on top of that is too immature to act like an adult and talk to you about it. I'd be more bothered by that than the money itself personally.
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    (Original post by SophieSmall)
    I'm seeing two big problems here.

    the first being he won't even talk about the issue without throwing a tantrum, you deserve better than that. He should not be shouting at you because of his failings and lack of being a responsible adult.

    The second being his very clear poor money management. Unless you are living in a very expensive place he should have no trouble at least affording food, rent and bills on minimum wage since the costs are halved with there being two of you.

    I'd be more wary about being in a relationship with someone who clearly can't manage his money and on top of that is too immature to act like an adult and talk to you about it. I'd be more bothered by that than the money itself personally.
    He is probably embarrassed thats why? Sounds like OP is probably harrasing him pretty often for money.
    OP has already said he is actually trying and that he isn't wasting is money. Whats more worrying to me is the fact that the OP is happy to sit and eat in front of her boyfriend when he can't afford to. Don't move in together if you are not mature enough to handle it. In pretty much every relationship somebody has the upper hand financially, it doesn't mean they get to rub it in their partners face. Sounds like she wants a flatmate not a partner. They moved in too quickly together - should have saved and bought the essentials first over a period of time then worked out finances better. And FYI minimum wage is what? £6.50, at 40 hours a week affording bills, rent and food is a push, even in a cheap area. OP already admitted she earns DOUBLE what her partner earns, she is just being greedy. That is not a stable relationship. I don't understand why they moved in together?
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    (Original post by Tw1x)
    He is probably embarrassed thats why? Sounds like OP is probably harrasing him pretty often for money.
    OP has already said he is actually trying and that he isn't wasting is money. Whats more worrying to me is the fact that the OP is happy to sit and eat in front of her boyfriend when he can't afford to. Don't move in together if you are not mature enough to handle it. In pretty much every relationship somebody has the upper hand financially, it doesn't mean they get to rub it in their partners face. Sounds like she wants a flatmate not a partner. They moved in too quickly together - should have saved and bought the essentials first over a period of time then worked out finances better. And FYI minimum wage is what? £6.50, at 40 hours a week affording bills, rent and food is a push, even in a cheap area. OP already admitted she earns DOUBLE what her partner earns, she is just being greedy. That is not a stable relationship. I don't understand why they moved in together?
    Embarrassment isn't much of an excuse. I'm not saying OPs behaviour is perfect, it certainly isn't. But he isn't blameless in this either, and if they can't talk about this issue then the relationship will fail.

    She said he was trying, that doesn't mean he's not completely useless with budgeting. Evident in him putting a bid in for a macbook despite him owing numerous people money. That is not responsible behaviour of someone who can budget and prioritise.

    I agree eating in front of him was immature behaviour knowing he has no food.

    As has already been evidenced with doodle_333 not everyone views this issue as the same. And that's okay. Some people are perfectly happy contributing 50% even when they earn less, and it's not your place to tell they are wrong or not mature enough for a relationship or to move in with them.

    I do agree OP and her partner rushed into this, clearly neither of them thought this through clearly or they wouldn't be in this position. But he is just as much to blame for this situation as OP.

    Yes minimum wage is not exactly living at the ritz. But students live off a lot less than minimum wage 3 or more years of their lives just fine, the only extra cost they don't have to account for is council tax. It is perfectly doable to live in a house share with your partner on minimum wage and to get by just fine. If he can;t afford to do that it is either because he can't manage his money properly to save his life or he agreed to move somewhere he couldn't afford, which is his own fault he shouldn't have said he can afford it if he can't.

    I agree she isn't handling this well. But I think it's ridiculous to place all the blame on her, she has a right to be annoyed that her finances are being destroyed because she was put in an unstable financial position due to her partner. And yeah it's clear their relationship is unstable.
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    There's a few issues in my eyes.
    1) he's earning less than you. Splitting the bills 50/50 isn't fair IMO especially if you're earning double the amount. If it's going to be more fair, I'd say come up with an amount to contribute towards the bills (rent, council tax, Gas & electricity plus food) and find an amount that is realistic for you both, that'll allow you to have a bit of disposable income. That way you won't feel as hostile towards the situation. Even put the money in a separate account solely for bills.
    2) youve picked an unfurnished 2 bedroom house that would cost more. Is 2 bedrooms what you need? Why the extra bedroom? The negative it being unfurnished is you've had to pay for all your furniture but the positive is you can take that anywhere and it's one less worry for you. Even if you paid for all of the furniture, by following something along the lines of point 1, you should find that he'll be able to manage to pay back what you've agreed.

    He does sound like he has poor money management but harassing him sounds like it isn't the best approach.
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    (Original post by Motorbiker)
    Sit down with him and do a simple budget.

    It's easy enough to grab an excel budget template of the internet.

    Calculate how much your total bills and rent comes to each month an see how much you each have left over.
    Crack out bank statements to see what you've both been spending money on and can see where you can cut back. I guarantee there is fat there to cut. Stuff like buying lunches each day instead of preparing a sandwich may only be £3 a day but for both of you over the standard working year of 250+ days a yeqr you're looking at a £1500+ saving.

    He definitely shouldn't be looking at buying a macbook, from that information i'd ask what else he's spending money on...

    If he's going to be in this job for a long time then you guys need to work it out as a tea, decide on a fairer split of the bills, this may be silly if he's paying £50 less bills a month and uses that £50 to pay you back but it would give him a chance to get back to not owing money.
    Totally agree couldn't have put it better myself. The constant pressure of trying to split the bills evenly is not going to help with OP's boyfriend if he's ever going to pay money back towards the furniture.

    Also food should definitely be included in the list of bills. Transport IMO should be separate but things in the house that they'll both benefit from should be included, even just a rough idea of how much they'll spend on average a month.
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    Do not listen to posters on this thread, most here seem either too young and inexperienced or still single. Your boyfriend in spite of a university education as all the classic hallmarks for a bonifide loser!!

    I'm a mature female, after divorcing my ex husband. My slightly younger male partner who moved into my ready made home, 9 years later he still hadn't contributed anything towards the furnishing, home decor or building a real home together apart from a big screen T.V. that took him forever to save up to purchase. He bounced in and out of around 30 different Jobs in that 9 years...being laid off from some poorly paid Jobs and sacked from many others, He couldn't hold down a Job and was content living off my money which resulted in financial strains, stress and debt in my name.
    He spent more time sitting at home watching daytime T.V. and playing online games and poker than time actually spent in a job earning money.
    He was verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive when confronted about these issues. He never made any effort to better himself, or to gain skills to increase his earning potential. He flirted with other females in lots of his office Jobs. Didn't believe in having children, didn't believe in engagement or marriage. Looked at porn behind my back time and time again, continuously broke relationship boundaries, had no real intimate or romantic bonds with me and only seemed to connect through sex. Never bought gifts from one year to the next for special occasions like Birthdays, Valentines, Christmas etc or took me out anywhere due to the excuse of being broke, he had no plan for the future regarding career, ambitions, relationship or building up a home..it was horrible and made me very ill with anxiety and stress in the end.

    Your boyfriend sounds like he could end up the same way. Get out now and don't look back, find yourself a more traditional man who believes it's a man's place to provide and take care of business weather his lady is working or not. Because a man who can't provide when your out of work won't be able to provide, should you ever want kids or become a stay at home mother, or if you ever wanted to return to education.
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    Wow!! I came online looking for advice but realized after reading your post, I don't need it! You are (I'm sorry for my language) are a complete c**t. Never in my life would I be able to buy and eat food in front of someone who can't afford too. Not even a stranger let alone the person I claim to be in love with. I wouldn't worry about having to ask him to leave I'm pretty sure he will come to his senses soon 😂. What happened to whats mines in yours?
 
 
 
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