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After 10 years together.. boyfriend tells me he is gay/bi watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi all,

    So me and my boyfriend have been together 10 years and have 2 young kids, we are both almost 30 now. I was clearing out his work bag and found some "letters" from some bloke saying things like "was great spending time with you, and that he loves him e.t.c"

    I questioned him straight away and he came clean and said he is gay (or bi) and has been too ashamed to tell anyone.. He has been having a secret fling with this bloke (who is gay I believe).

    What the hell do i do now? He says he can't see himself being with a man in a relationship sense and he wants to be with me and the kids. He said he made a mistake, but 1. he cheated and 2. He may do this again?

    Any advice?
    This man is an animal. He betrayed you and used you. Because he didn't have the guts to face up to who he was he used you as a beard. He betrayed his children too. This could have gone on for years if he wasn't caught. Where did he meet this man? God knows where. In a bathhouse?

    The first thing you should do is get yourself a health check. Who knows what diseases your boyfriend may have exposed you to. The second thing you should do is leave him and the take the children with you.

    This is an appalling story.
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    This is a nightmare. I mean bi gets an acception... but even then he should have told you from the start :/

    I am so sorry, but this is terrible and I wouldn't ever wish this on my worst enemy. But again, I don't think this is the sort of question you should ask on TSR, you need to speak to a marriage counsellor or something.
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    you should go down to his parents house and tell them yourself.
    show them the letters and whatever texts you have as proof and then let them deal with him
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    (Original post by Supermanxxxxxx)
    Stay for the kids sake


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Separate, for the kids' sake.
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    (Original post by llys)
    He is obviously bisexual.
    Not necessary, I know a guy with a kid, was with the women for 6-7 years I think, married, house etc. He was gay and always knew he was. Problem was where he grew up in England (poor council estate) there was an incredibly high amount of homophobia, to the extent people would say things like "if my kid was a ****** I'd ****ing kill him". So he just tried to bury it and convince himself he could live as a straight person until eventually it was too much.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi all,

    So me and my boyfriend have been together 10 years and have 2 young kids, we are both almost 30 now. I was clearing out his work bag and found some "letters" from some bloke saying things like "was great spending time with you, and that he loves him e.t.c"

    I questioned him straight away and he came clean and said he is gay (or bi) and has been too ashamed to tell anyone.. He has been having a secret fling with this bloke (who is gay I believe).

    What the hell do i do now? He says he can't see himself being with a man in a relationship sense and he wants to be with me and the kids. He said he made a mistake, but 1. he cheated and 2. He may do this again?

    Any advice?
    It's harsh but if he's gay and not bi, he'll never be happy with you, and will always cheat. I think you should break up with him if he's gay.
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    Like some people have pointed out, don't stay just for the kids. It will fall apart anyway and they will have a horrible childhood. If you decide to stay, it should be because you genuinely want to give him another chance and in that case counselling might be a good idea.

    (Original post by ~Tara~)
    He probably never would have come out if she hadn't found the letters. People go their whole lives hiding secrets like this because they feel ashamed.
    You really need to keep this in mind. I honestly don't think he would have come out on his own either, or at least not for a long time. Who knows how long this has been going on for and how long it would have lasted?

    Yes it can be hard to come out and he may have been ashamed, but that is not an excuse. If you are in a committed relationship (especially a 10 year long one) there needs to be trust. He clearly has issues with hiding secrets from you, not only was he hiding his sexuality that he doesn't even seem to be certain about (bi or gay?) but he also cheated and was hiding that from you (being bi or gay is not an excuse!!!). Also, if he is gay then this really isn't going to work out and it's possible he only said bi/gay because he was scared to admit to being gay. At this age he should know his sexuality, so adding bi or saying he's not sure might just be trying to make the situation look less bad.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Update:

    I said I needed space and time and asked could he stay with his parents for a few days.. He text me and said, I'll be honest with you I am over his house.. I was too ashamed to go to my parents

    Isn't that a massive slap in the face?
    While it's fair enough that he's ashamed, he's really not making the situation better by staying at his lover's house... It's almost like admitting that whatever is going on will carry on.
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    (Original post by Nadile)
    At this age he should know his sexuality, so adding bi or saying he's not sure might just be trying to make the situation look less bad.
    Tbf, many people don't figure out their sexuality until they are much, much older. After they've had kids and their kids have left home.

    That being said, this is mostly from the older generations who grew up when being gay wasn't accepted. Thay may have repressed themselves.

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • #1
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    #1

    Update:

    We had a chat and he has decided to move in with him (as of yesterday).

    I don't know what to do with myself now... absolutely broken
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi all,

    So me and my boyfriend have been together 10 years and have 2 young kids, we are both almost 30 now. I was clearing out his work bag and found some "letters" from some bloke saying things like "was great spending time with you, and that he loves him e.t.c"

    I questioned him straight away and he came clean and said he is gay (or bi) and has been too ashamed to tell anyone.. He has been having a secret fling with this bloke (who is gay I believe).

    What the hell do i do now? He says he can't see himself being with a man in a relationship sense and he wants to be with me and the kids. He said he made a mistake, but 1. he cheated and 2. He may do this again?

    Any advice?
    Whether this is with a man or a woman he has betrayed your trust and cheated on you, which is abhorrent in any relationship. Can you ever get over that?
    Also from the sounds of it... he isn't bi, he's gay. He's just trying to hide behind being bi to make it not seem like such a big deal and to get you to stay with him to keep up the "straight" façade. I think if you stay with him you'll always have a niggling feeling at the back of your brain about this and there's a huge possibility he'll leave you for a man, if not now then down the line. What about when the kids are grown up and he doesn't feel responsibility for them any more and it just you (a woman) and him? Even if he is bi it doesn't sound like he is happy not acting on his sexual attraction towards males. Just because he says now that he can't see himself with a man doesn't mean in the future once he gets over whatever fear he has he won't. Being bi is not an excuse for cheating. If I'm in a straight relationship with a man I am still attracted to other people I just don't act on those attractions!

    You both deserve happiness and you aren't going to find happiness with someone who firstly cheated on you and secondly doesn't love you as fully as another person could, because he is gay. If he is gay he is never going to be happy with a woman.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Update:

    We had a chat and he has decided to move in with him (as of yesterday).

    I don't know what to do with myself now... absolutely broken
    I'm so sorry this has happened to you please stay strong and be grateful that out of 10 years of marriage you have (I'm sure) good memories and 2 beautiful children. What he has done is despicable but don't let that turn into hate. Maybe you can get to a place where you can be friends. The way he has treated you is horrible but inevitable if he is gay. It's such a selfish thing to do but the attraction is chemistry so at least you know there was nothing you or he could have done in your marriage to save this. Keep your friends and family close and make a fair arrangement with the kids. Also don't let him put all the responsibility on you. HE has to explain to his children what is going on with you.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't know what to do with myself now... absolutely broken
    Have a read of the book I recommend above: you're far from the only person this has happened to.

    Repeat "It's not me, it's him" until you believe it.
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    10/10 troll - good on him.
 
 
 
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