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The Illogical Side to Spock - living with OCD, BDD and panic disorder

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    Migraine has gotten worse again sick of these. I only used to get a few a year and now its a few a month and they last for days so I feel like I don't have much time away from them. I haven't had them this bad since I was about 11/12.

    In this post, I am just going to give a list of websites, forums, books and things I have found useful through my journey of mental illness and they may prove useful to anyone else reading this who is sadly suffering too. As always, thanks for reading my blog and remember my inbox is always open

    http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/forum.php - NoMorePanic is a forum for sufferers of anxiety based illnesses such as panic attacks/panic disorder, agoraphobia, OCD, GAD, phobias and depression caused by these conditions. This site was a life line to me when I was at my worst with PD. I am still on the forum but not on it as much as I used to be. If you are a member already or do sign up, let me know and I'll show you the ropes of the site

    http://www.ocduk.org/support-forums and http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forum - both are OCD forums and are very useful if you suffer from OCD, know someone who does or want more info on the condition

    https://www.amazon.co.uk/Nervous-Suf.../dp/0451167236 - this book is basically my bible and I cannot recommend enough to those who suffer from panic attacks. If I were a millionaire I would buy every single sufferer in the world this book, it really was that helpful to me and still is to this day.
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    These two little cuties have helped me so much today. A lot of people don't realise just how much love and comfort you can get from an animal. I'd be lost without my four my other two have been two busy playing outside in the garden all day and haven't bothered with me much this is Rambo looking all cute and Nibbler looking like a demon as always :laugh:

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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    These two little cuties have helped me so much today. A lot of people don't realise just how much love and comfort you can get from an animal. I'd be lost without my four my other two have been two busy playing outside in the garden all day and haven't bothered with me much this is Rambo looking all cute and Nibbler looking like a demon as always :laugh:

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    Awwwww :love:

    I wish I had pets :moon:
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    Struggling tonight with intrusive thoughts. Its not so much to contamination atm but more about death and doom in general and that something bad is going to happen to me or someine I love and I am powerless to stop it. I'm just back from a drive and all I could think was "this is my last drive. Me and my partner are going to get into a crash" and as you can imagine, its quite distressing. Back home now and just about to head for a bath to relax.

    Have a nice night everyone :hugs:

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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    Mine are called Rambo, Nibbler, Regan and Pixie Rambo usually gets called Ramblob though because he's a little fatty him and Nibbler are 10 and they are bro and sis from the same litter and Regan and Pixie turned one last months and they are both sisters. I got Regan and Pixie from a local animal shelter and Rambo and Nibbler I rescued when their previous owners couldn't look after them any more. Regan's named after the kid from The Exorcist suits her well, she's a little demon

    I love my kitties so much. They help me through my darkest days more than anything I had another cat called Mylo and a Yorkshire terrier called Toby but they both died last yr

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    Auwww! They sound great Sad about the others though xx
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    Spock's Socks
    Ive just read all the new posts and im sorry to hear how difficult your life has been!!!
    I really do hope you can overcome it all and not have to deal with this hell anymore!
    Ive not experinced panic attacks before so ive no idea what theyre like, but they sound awful!!
    Youre too nice to have all of these issues!
    I imagine your boyfriend has helped out massively!? That must be nice!
    Im lost for words really
    An amazing, detailed post as always!!
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    (Original post by FireFreezer77)
    Spock's Socks
    Ive just read all the new posts and im sorry to hear how difficult your life has been!!!
    I really do hope you can overcome it all and not have to deal with this hell anymore!
    Ive not experinced panic attacks before so ive no idea what theyre like, but they sound awful!!
    Youre too nice to have all of these issues!
    I imagine your boyfriend has helped out massively!? That must be nice!
    Im lost for words really
    An amazing, detailed post as always!!
    Thanks for reading all my posts I'll be writing the personal and possibly triggering post when I'm fully better from this migraine. It comes and goes now. One minute I think it's gone away fully and then a minute later I'm nearly on the floor crying in pain. Its deffo getting better though, slowly but surely I'll tag you in it when I've wrote it. Hoping to post it tomorrow or the day after. It'll be long, just to warn you lol.

    ---------

    Today has been a day of ups and down. As I said, I still have this migraine from two days OK and I couldn't sleep for hours last night because of the pain and it was mainly in my neck at that point and I couldn't get comfy plus I had a driving lesson today so was stressing over having enough sleep for that. I eventually slept at 7am and my lesson was at 1pm. I woke up at midday and I woke up with a panic. My heart was pounding, I felt shaky and sick and I had to go for a bath before my lesson to try and calm myself down. Thankfully, my head and neck were OK when I got up but they have worsened a bit now.

    My lesson went great. I made the least amount of mistakes on a lesson and done a mix of bypasses, junctions, roundabouts, country roads and maneuvers. I'm booking my driving test tomorrow! :eek: I was hoping to pass by my bday next month but the waiting lists in my area are about 16 weeks and summer is always the busiest time so I'll probably be sitting it in July or August but I'll at least be ready for my test for my bday so my driving lesson gave me a big boost after that **** nights sleep and panic when I woke up.

    Then out of the blue, I got an email from uni. I quit last year due to my health and was expecting this email to say I owe them money but no, it was an email saying they reviewed my record and I'm still entitled to funding if I want to come back to uni either this October or next October! That was a huge surprise! Even if I don't go back to uni, it's nice having my options open because who knows what I'll be like this October or next year, hopefully a lot better!


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    OK so today has been a hard day for me. Its pay day and I kept saying to myself that I would dye my hair on Saturday instead of today to try and break BDD but have myself a challenge today to go out into town to buy the dye for tomorrow without wearing a hat or anything covering my hair and I thought that would be a good way of tackling and challenging my BDD as I done similar things with panic attacks. First plan was to get the bus over to my mum's before town but at the bus stop, I took a pic of my hair and felt disgusted. The red in my hair is only semi perm so of course, it washes out quick and I went for a bath and washed my hair this morning.

    I told myself when I saw the pic but that I wouldn't cave in but as soon as the bus on the way to mum's went through town, I jumped off and bought the dye first. So that was the first challenge gone. I felt so disappointed in myself and was walking about town welling up and shaking inside but no one noticed I don't think. So the next challenge was to get the next bus to mum's and go and see her and leave my dye there for tomorrow but she wasn't in and I argued with myself for half an hour and guessed what I ended up doing? Yip. I dyed my hair.

    Now I feel guilty and weak. I have had several bad panic attacks today. The worst were on the bus to my mum's and when I got off the bus. My legs literally felt like jelly and I really thought I was going to pass out or fall to the ground. So many times I was going to shout over to someone to help, but I didn't.

    I'll add some pics from today. Usually after fixing your flaw with BDD you feel relief but I don't today. I feel guilt, shame, anger and basically I feel like ****. I'm usually quite a happy person considering but I'm being honest about how I feel right now

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    So my OCD, depression (especially my depression) and panic attacks are at their all time worst since October last yr so I may take some time out of the blog til I get back on my feet again. I know its only a setback and that can last a day, a week, a month. The main thing is - it always ends eventually and I have to focus on that instead of counting how long its lasting for

    My inbox is always open to anyone who needs to chat. I'll be on my phone and that doesn't notify me when I get a mail but I'll try and reply asap. Have a good day everyone :hugs:

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    Today is the best I've felt in the last few days and that is despite getting only 2 hours sleep last night. My BDD is high today. I noticed that a new red dye I used a few days ago looks more pink-ish than red and it looks a bit faded and I have taken a few pics and asked my mum and bf once or twice if it looks silly but that's it, I haven't taken 20+ pics or been spending hours looking in the mirror or obsessing over how to fix it. I just put my hair up and decided **** it. The compulsions and anxiety is still there but I am trying to remind myself that its only BDDs thoughts, not actually mine. I know if and when my hair looks really silly, my mum and bf would tell me like they have done in the past so I'm trying to just focus on their views and not my own as mine are distorted by OCD, BDD and everything else.

    Sounds silly, but I am quite proud of my approach today especially compared to how I was a few day ago
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    Booked myself into get my hair done professionally tomorrow. Not had my hair done at a hairdressers for years cuz of panic attacks so it's a big step gonna get inch or 2 cut off, some layers and my bang fringe back just in time for summer
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    Have a fun time tomorrow
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    (Original post by RHCPfan)
    Have a fun time tomorrow
    Thanks stalker

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    Spock's Socks HELLO!!!
    I came here to read your blog and I thought I'd comment on it!
    I'm really happy to hear you're feeling a bit happier!
    It takes someone incredibly strong to tackle these conditions and you're doing that!
    I congratulate you!!
    Don't dwell too much in caving in to dying your hair! You've just got to work on that and you'll get to the point where you perfectly normal without dying it!
    How did it go at the hairdressers? Do you like your new look (if I can call it that?)
    Good Read!!
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    (Original post by FireFreezer77)
    Spock's Socks HELLO!!!
    I came here to read your blog and I thought I'd comment on it!
    I'm really happy to hear you're feeling a bit happier!
    It takes someone incredibly strong to tackle these conditions and you're doing that!
    I congratulate you!!
    Don't dwell too much in caving in to dying your hair! You've just got to work on that and you'll get to the point where you perfectly normal without dying it!
    How did it go at the hairdressers? Do you like your new look (if I can call it that?)
    Good Read!!
    Hey! Good to see you back on here! Hoping you'll be back on here for good again soon and hope you're doing better atm thanks for your kind words, I'm a lot better than how I was a few days ago

    Not been to the hairdressers yet, I go today at 12pm so I'll update the blog on how I got on and will add a pic of my new look. Probably won't be anything too drastically different though :laugh:

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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    Hey! Good to see you back on here! Hoping you'll be back on here for good again soon and hope you're doing better atm thanks for your kind words, I'm a lot better than how I was a few days ago

    Not been to the hairdressers yet, I go today at 12pm so I'll update the blog on how I got on and will add a pic of my new look. Probably won't be anything too drastically different though :laugh:

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    Hehe thanks! End of the month looks most likely for a full return!
    I'm super happy currently! This break has helped already but I've still got a little bit to do yet!
    No worries! I'm glad to hear it!!!

    Ah ok then, I'll make sure to read it! When I get time!
    Ah nice one! I'm sure you'll look beautiful as always!!!
    Ah well it will still be nice though!
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    The hairdressers was a success no panics at all loving my hair. Its deffo gave me a boost

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    (Original post by FireFreezer77)
    Hehe thanks! End of the month looks most likely for a full return!
    I'm super happy currently! This break has helped already but I've still got a little bit to do yet!
    No worries! I'm glad to hear it!!!

    Ah ok then, I'll make sure to read it! When I get time!
    Ah nice one! I'm sure you'll look beautiful as always!!!
    Ah well it will still be nice though!
    So glad you're feeling better! we'll all be waiting on here for you and your return

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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    The hairdressers was a success no panics at all loving my hair. Its deffo gave me a boost

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    Awww it looks great :hugs:
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    (Original post by Spock's Socks)
    So glad you're feeling better! we'll all be waiting on here for you and your return

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    Thankyou!! I'm getting there! Still a little bit to do!!
    Aww that's nice!! I'm looking forward to returning properly tbh!!
    Also I couldn't resist your Top Gear thread! I love Top Gear!!!

    Also I'm glad the hairdressers went well!! You look amazing!!
 
 
 
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Updated: December 31, 2016
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