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Girl wants to "take a break" due to her anxiety. Anxiety sufferers' advice wanted! Watch

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    When do you return from your holiday? What is the duration

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    (Original post by SMEGGGY)
    When do you return from your holiday? What is the duration

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    I get back on the 13th June. Not including the 30 minute talk we had about these issues, it will have been a month since we last spent any serious time together.
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    (Original post by VladThe1mpaler)
    I get back on the 13th June. Not including the 30 minute talk we had about these issues, it will have been a month since we last spent any serious time together.
    Well, you have no choice but give her the space she's asked for as hard as it is. When you return get in touch to ask where you stand and take it from there. No point fretting over it mate. Go on holiday, enjoy youeself then return to see what happens.

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    (Original post by SMEGGGY)
    Well, you have no choice but give her the space she's asked for as hard as it is. When you return get in touch to ask where you stand and take it from there. No point fretting over it mate. Go on holiday, enjoy youeself then return to see what happens.

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    should i just avoid contacting her at all until i get back?
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    (Original post by iMacJack)
    Erm, yes, she can?
    To me a break is a waste of time, you either stick with it or just end things, anything between just leaves the other person hanging and holding on to a possible false hope.
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    (Original post by VladThe1mpaler)
    ok so i've been going out with this girl for 4/5 months and i really like her. She told me early on she has anxiety

    things have been going fine up until the past week where she's been distant/not meeting up/hardly texting etc. so i confronted her about it and she told me that she has been "really mentally ill" recently with her anxiety and couldn't really feel anything and suggested we "take a break" until I get back from my holiday in a few weeks and see if she's up for getting things back on track again

    I told her I can be patient but now i'm wondering how i progress things from here. Do i wait for her to text me when i get back and if i don't hear from her just assume things are completely done? Or do I text her when I get back and ask her?

    I really want things to work but I don't really understand anxiety as I have never even met anyone with it (as far as I'm aware). I've also never had a "break" it's always been a clear cut "break-up"
    Sounds more like a symptom of depression than anxiety I see no reason why you would be worth avoiding due to her anxiety unless something to do with you or your relationship causes her anxiety in which case talking about it and confronting it would be the thing to do, not run away

    In all honesty it sounds like a big dirty excuse
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    (Original post by VladThe1mpaler)
    ok so i've been going out with this girl for 4/5 months and i really like her. She told me early on she has anxiety

    things have been going fine up until the past week where she's been distant/not meeting up/hardly texting etc. so i confronted her about it and she told me that she has been "really mentally ill" recently with her anxiety and couldn't really feel anything and suggested we "take a break" until I get back from my holiday in a few weeks and see if she's up for getting things back on track again

    I told her I can be patient but now i'm wondering how i progress things from here. Do i wait for her to text me when i get back and if i don't hear from her just assume things are completely done? Or do I text her when I get back and ask her?

    I really want things to work but I don't really understand anxiety as I have never even met anyone with it (as far as I'm aware). I've also never had a "break" it's always been a clear cut "break-up"
    The thing about anxiety is that it is unique to the individual, so we can't say for certain, but in my experience of anxiety, if you need a break from something then it could be that that something is one of the things that cause the anxiety. I agree with Rock Fan regarding breaks.
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    (Original post by VladThe1mpaler)
    Should i just avoid contacting her at all until i get back?
    Yes.

    The ball is in her court now.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The thing about anxiety is that it is unique to the individual, so we can't say for certain, but in my experience of anxiety, if you need a break from something then it could be that that something is one of the things that cause the anxiety. I agree with Rock Fan regarding breaks.
    She said before that being in a relationship makes her anxiety worse.

    Also I don't think we would have had a "break" if I wasn't going away. A few weeks back she was acting similarly (acting distant, making excuses not to meet up) and then I didn't see her for a week which was a bit odd. I think it's just because I actually asked her what was going on this time and the fact that I was going away for 2 weeks which meant a 3 week break worked out.
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    (Original post by VladThe1mpaler)
    i mean, how long am i supposed to wait this out...? I don't want to spend the whole summer wondering if I will get a text from her
    I would give her a month and if she doesn't try to communicate with or text you then I will consider you broken up. Maybe she's just telling you this anxiety thing because she doesn't want to date you anymore. Maybe she's looking for an easy way out. I think everyone in this world suffers from some degree of anxiety. I think anxiety is only a part of human nature.
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    unless she's explicitly said no contact I don't see why you can't text her in a couple of weeks saying something along the lines of 'been giving you some space but wanted to check in and see how you're feeling, let me know if I can help'
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    (Original post by VladThe1mpaler)
    She said before that being in a relationship makes her anxiety worse.

    Also I don't think we would have had a "break" if I wasn't going away. A few weeks back she was acting similarly (acting distant, making excuses not to meet up) and then I didn't see her for a week which was a bit odd. I think it's just because I actually asked her what was going on this time and the fact that I was going away for 2 weeks which meant a 3 week break worked out.
    Given your first sentence it sounds like this relationship will not work out.
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    (Original post by iMacJack)
    Erm, yes, she can?

    I guess they mean something like "she can't just decide when she wants the relationship to be on/off AND expect the other person to always comply with her wishes"? But it seems like in this case, she did tell him that she wouldn't hold it against him if he ended things, so yeah.
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    (Original post by doodle_333)
    unless she's explicitly said no contact I don't see why you can't text her in a couple of weeks saying something along the lines of 'been giving you some space but wanted to check in and see how you're feeling, let me know if I can help'
    Yeah I feel like if I don't text her at all then she's going to think I don't care.

    (Original post by porsche200471)
    It could be that she is giving you a little bit of distance at the prospect of you going on holiday, but this is purely speculation on my part and may be completely off mark.

    As for your approach to this, I am pleased to glean from your reply that you are an emotionally intelligent individual. You show a sensitivity for what she is experiencing without losing sight of the need for balance, that kind of give and take between people in love that would see your needs being met as much as hers.

    Whilst I feel for your current situation, it does not overshadow my sense that no matter the outcome you will undoubtedly find someone who appreciates you for you.

    My incurable romantic streak hopes she gets back to a better state of mind and you both fall madly in love.

    My best wishes for what is to come and what might be.
    This is what I have been thinking the past day or two. I don't know if we would have had a "break" if I wasn't going on holiday.
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    (Original post by porsche200471)
    If this is the reason, it would be easy to say that she needs to learn to deal with these things in a less dysfunctional way. The truth is, it is more accurate to acknowledge how she feels as simply a response to a situation of stress, which could and will be produced by a multitude of situations. And when I say 'simply,' it is important to acknowledge that this does not mean inconsequential or easy to fix. Mental illness is a deep rooted and complex illness that we still know little about.

    It was once thought that brain chemistry caused depression and anxiety problems. This is why antidepressants are formulated around the treatment of brain chemistry and mood alteration. A more rounded appreciation is that brain chemistry is a symptom, which, effectively, makes antidepressant and anti anxiety medication as likely a cure as a plaster on the bed sore of an A.I.D.S patient.

    If you had been together for a significant period and you knew, for certain, that going on holiday was the cause of her pain, then one could see justification in thinking you were being a little heartless. This does not exclude the possibility that you could capitulate and not go on holiday, but I don't see this as being the healthiest option for this young lady. Her personal growth is dependent on facing such challenges. But this entire stream of the conversion is predicated on the supposition that this is what she is upset about, and it is merely supposition.
    I don't believe the holiday is causing her any stress or anxiety. I just meant that she probably would have just acted distant for a week or so and then came back when she was feeling better, but because I'm going away she has suggested we just have a "break" until I get back. I don't know if this is the case, I just think it's a possibility considering she was acting a similar way a few weeks back.

    I think I've gotten over my insecurities of her using her anxiety as a cover for not wanting to see me anymore. The week before she was acting distant she made an effort to meet my friends (despite her saying that going out with a group where she only knew me made her anxious) and her behaviour in general was not that of someone who was unhappy being in a relationship with me. I'm feeling a little bit more optimistic about things working out.
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    (Original post by porsche200471)
    I glad to hear that. My best wishes go out to you both.
    Thanks very much for the advice. I'm just going to let her have some space for the next week or so and then send her a text while I'm away just to see how she's doing. I guess I'll just see how things go from there.
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    Text her last Friday just checking how she was etc. and she said she was alright and asked how my holiday was going.

    Then the other night I text her when I was drunk saying I missed her and she just said "hope you're enjoying your holiday". Not really the response I wanted.

    Other people I know said that it sounds like she is just messing me about and I should have no contact with her at all and consider it over. I'm starting to maybe think they (an the people on this thread who suggested that) are right.

    Just seems so odd for someone to go from affectionate and nice to cold and distant within a few days basically unless they had personal issues.
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    if this was me, id assume its over for good.
    this **** never works out
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    (Original post by VladThe1mpaler)
    ok so i've been going out with this girl for 4/5 months and i really like her. She told me early on she has anxiety

    things have been going fine up until the past week where she's been distant/not meeting up/hardly texting etc. so i confronted her about it and she told me that she has been "really mentally ill" recently with her anxiety and couldn't really feel anything and suggested we "take a break" until I get back from my holiday in a few weeks and see if she's up for getting things back on track again

    I told her I can be patient but now i'm wondering how i progress things from here. Do i wait for her to text me when i get back and if i don't hear from her just assume things are completely done? Or do I text her when I get back and ask her?

    I really want things to work but I don't really understand anxiety as I have never even met anyone with it (as far as I'm aware). I've also never had a "break" it's always been a clear cut "break-up"

    A 'few weeks'?! That sounds like a full on break up to me.

    Don't get in contact with her, don't send her anything, just pretend she doesn't exist. If she contacts you, just ask her out.
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    (Original post by porsche200471)
    It doesn't automatically follow that she is messing you about, and the fact that other people on here see it in that way only means they are speaking from their own experience. This then amounts to them having been hurt in the past and so in the here and now it is possible that romantic situations that doesn't have a smooth course must be dispensed with before any further pain occurs. Anyone who touched a hot kettle as a child knows not to repeat the same mistake.

    This does not mean they are wrong. It only means that they ignore the truth that 95% of the time a kettle is safe to touch. This is a more mature appreciation of the model.

    But this does little to solve your problem. So ask yourself, what do you want? It has been a couple of weeks at least since we chatted and you are no further forward. She hasn't tried to move the situation on and, aside from your drunken emotional outburst, neither have you. It is to be be expected that nothing has progressed.

    One of my previous girlfriends told me that she thought we shouldn't see each other because I was too nice. I simply said, "ok," and stared at her. She said, "is that it, aren't you bothered," to which I pointed out that she was the one who didn't want to spend time with me and that regardless of whether I liked her or not I wouldn't stroke her ego by getting all emotional, and that I reserve my feelings for those who are worthy of them. Two days later she showed up in the pub me and my mates frequented in an all in one figure hugging body suit and ankle boots. She went right out of her way to get me back because she realised I wasn't a superficial little boy who was there to moon over her. She mistook my reserve for passivity and blandness. I took her back.

    Of course, that whole relationship crashed and burned eventually because she couldn't be anything else other than what she had shown me that night. She was a very uncomplicated person with very base needs.

    And much like in our previous conversation, ask yourself who are you, who is she, and what do you want?

    It is not that difficult.
    I don't really know how to answer those questions apart from what I want. What I want is a relationship with her, this is not a relationship. I want things to go back to what they were like before. I see her on snapchat still spending time with some of her friends am I wonder why she can spend time with them and not me. It may sound stupid but I get the impression she doesn't want to cut all contact otherwise she wouldn't like any of my recent posts on Facebook and probably wouldn't even respond to my texts. This isn't fun, and when you are only 4 months in shouldn't things still be fun? I don't even mind if she is **** company because of her anxiety to be honest, I just hate the uncertainty
 
 
 
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