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Applied for unis outside my home city. Worried about my Mum's reaction. watch

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm brown and atheist (my very religious family doesn't know this though) and when I tried to hint at it, they all went nuts. My best friend knows and she said if she isn't abroad next summer I could stay at hers. She kept telling me to go for KCL today because then I'd be "safe". I don't really like London too much because it's nowhere near as green as Exeter or Nottingham.
    Me too! My family are very religious but I'm an undercover atheist. Had to live a life I hated until I escaped for uni in a different city. If you don't go against your parents wishes you'll be spending the majorities of your early 20s continuing to be controlled by your parents... Better to break ties now and live your life rather than wait and make things harder for everyone.
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    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Me too! My family are very religious but I'm an undercover atheist. Had to live a life I hated until I escaped for uni in a different city. If you don't go against your parents wishes you'll be spending the majorities of your early 20s continuing to be controlled by your parents... Better to break ties now and live your life rather than wait and make things harder for everyone.
    It honestly sucks coming from a Muslim family and being told constantly that you can't do anything. My mum was so happy when my brother got into Durham even though it's further away from London and she was always checking if he wanted any money etc. Now my brother's graduated he's telling me to listen to our mum.

    Yeah I know. It's just going to be so hard.
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    OP, you must know better than most that the only way you get anywhere in your life as a Muslim is to stand up to your parents and take their BS on the chin. How TF can you expect to live away from home and gain some independence when you're too scared to have a disagreement with your parents? There is nothing stopping you from moving away for uni if you want, but it is your responsibility to defend your decisions to your parents instead of worrying what their reactions might be. Your decisions may be unpopular, but nobody achieves anything in the world without losing some friends and p***ing some people off. I hope your parents will be able to move past this and support you whatever you decide to do, but you're 18 now - you are an adult and you have a right to lead your life the way you want to instead of living in their shadow. Be polite but firm, stand your ground and make your voice heard.
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    (Original post by asif007)
    OP, you must know better than most that the only way you get anywhere in your life as a Muslim is to stand up to your parents and take their BS on the chin. How TF can you expect to live away from home and gain some independence when you're too scared to have a disagreement with your parents? There is nothing stopping you from moving away for uni if you want, but it is your responsibility to defend your decisions to your parents instead of worrying what their reactions might be. Your decisions may be unpopular, but nobody achieves anything in the world without losing some friends and p***ing some people off. I hope your parents will be able to move past this and support you whatever you decide to do, but you're 18 now - you are an adult and you have a right to lead your life the way you want to instead of living in their shadow. Be polite but firm, stand your ground and make your voice heard.
    I'm not a Muslim I'm an atheist. My mum's the strict Muslim :/

    I doubt my mum would ever forgive me but I think what I'm most nervous about is being in a dire situation and going back to her. She'd become so much more full of herself if that happened.

    Been polite and firm so many times. She doesn't listen. She's mentally abused me to the point where I've cried and she seems to gain pleasure from it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm not a Muslim I'm an atheist. My mum's the strict Muslim :/

    I doubt my mum would ever forgive me but I think what I'm most nervous about is being in a dire situation and going back to her. She'd become so much more full of herself if that happened.

    Been polite and firm so many times. She doesn't listen. She's mentally abused me to the point where I've cried and she seems to gain pleasure from it.
    OK, my mistake. But everything else I said still applies. There's an answer to your worries - if you do happen to find yourself in a desperate situation, don't go back to your parents. Simple. You know already that they will gloat, so why do you need to be worried about having to go back to them? This is what should motivate you to become entirely self-sufficient and never have to rely on your parents for money or accommodation again. If you stand up for yourself, leave home of your own free will and show them that you're making a success of yourself at uni, they have nothing to use against you. It's your chance to hold your head high and gain some independence - who cares what your parents think? You've tried reasoning with them already so just turn your back on them now and don't look back.
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    You are in a very tough situation, one which would defeat most people. It is NOT your fault that you are in this predicament, and it would be expecting a great deal of any 18 (?) year old to work out how to get out of it alone.

    I would strongly urge you to seek the support of an outside agency which has some expertise in supporting young people in your sort of situation. You might like to start off with something that doesn't feel too scary, like an anonymous online counselling service, or maybe a telephone helpline. They can help you find support that fits your particular circumstances - something local to you, for example.
    Have a think about

    Childline 0800 1111
    Muslim Youth Helpline (I know you are not Muslim but might be familiar with your mother's attitudes) 0808 808 2008
    Your local domestic abuse service (in the phonebook!)or community youth service team
    or just Google young peoples support services for your area

    I know quite a few people who have used kooth.com and they are usually very helpful, with an online counselling service running most nights.

    Good luck.
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    (Original post by OxFossil)
    You are in a very tough situation, one which would defeat most people. It is NOT your fault that you are in this predicament, and it would be expecting a great deal of any 18 (?) year old to work out how to get out of it alone.

    I would strongly urge you to seek the support of an outside agency which has some expertise in supporting young people in your sort of situation. You might like to start off with something that doesn't feel too scary, like an anonymous online counselling service, or maybe a telephone helpline. They can help you find support that fits your particular circumstances - something local to you, for example.
    Have a think about

    Childline 0800 1111
    Muslim Youth Helpline (I know you are not Muslim but might be familiar with your mother's attitudes) 0808 808 2008
    Your local domestic abuse service (in the phonebook!)or community youth service team
    or just Google young peoples support services for your area

    I know quite a few people who have used kooth.com and they are usually very helpful, with an online counselling service running most nights.

    Good luck.
    I'll try obviously. But she's started to get to me so much everyday is a shouting match.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'll try obviously. But she's started to get to me so much everyday is a shouting match.
    So there isn't likely to be a 'magic' way that you alone can change her? My guess is that you need someone else on *your* side to help change things. A good youth worker will advocate for you, and will know what resources are available in the local area to help you get out of this situation.
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    #1

    (Original post by OxFossil)
    So there isn't likely to be a 'magic' way that you alone can change her? My guess is that you need someone else on *your* side to help change things. A good youth worker will advocate for you, and will know what resources are available in the local area to help you get out of this situation.
    I'm just worried about the financial side to it. I genuinely think I'll be fine emotionally without her. I just don't want to drop out.
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    (Original post by asif007)
    OK, my mistake. But everything else I said still applies. There's an answer to your worries - if you do happen to find yourself in a desperate situation, don't go back to your parents. Simple. You know already that they will gloat, so why do you need to be worried about having to go back to them? This is what should motivate you to become entirely self-sufficient and never have to rely on your parents for money or accommodation again. If you stand up for yourself, leave home of your own free will and show them that you're making a success of yourself at uni, they have nothing to use against you. It's your chance to hold your head high and gain some independence - who cares what your parents think? You've tried reasoning with them already so just turn your back on them now and don't look back.
    I honestly can't say to you how much I envy teenagers who go off to uni and are fully supported by their parents. My mum earns a decent enough salary to support me and she's refusing to.

    I'm nervous she'll move to my uni city and then to my uni and try to make a racket or something :/
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm just worried about the financial side to it. I genuinely think I'll be fine emotionally without her. I just don't want to drop out.
    I'm sure you are right! I guess my main worry is whether you are safe, physically and emotionally, whilst you live with your mother.

    Like you say, the financial stuff is complicated. I know nothing, but as I understand it, if your parents won't support you to go to uni, you would either have to be established as an "independent student" and/or else speak with the universities you have applied to for scholarships, hardship funds etc.

    In any case, I think you will need to get some advice from people who have this as their actual job! In addition to the people I've already mentioned, what about giving a call to the Access Officers at the Unis you've applied to?
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    OP can you possibly pm me? I want to tell you something that's quite personal but might help
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    (Original post by goldenusername)
    OP can you possibly pm me? I want to tell you something that's quite personal but might help
    Erm is it based on your own experience? I honestly don't want anyone telling me that my mother's doing it for my own good because I know she isn't.
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    #1

    (Original post by OxFossil)
    I'm sure you are right! I guess my main worry is whether you are safe, physically and emotionally, whilst you live with your mother.

    Like you say, the financial stuff is complicated. I know nothing, but as I understand it, if your parents won't support you to go to uni, you would either have to be established as an "independent student" and/or else speak with the universities you have applied to for scholarships, hardship funds etc.

    In any case, I think you will need to get some advice from people who have this as their actual job! In addition to the people I've already mentioned, what about giving a call to the Access Officers at the Unis you've applied to?
    I tried to talk to one. She just told me to talk to Student Finance.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Erm is it based on your own experience? I honestly don't want anyone telling me that my mother's doing it for my own good because I know she isn't.
    no the last thing i'm about to do is back your mum, i'm sorry if this comes across as rude but i have zero respect for people who resort to violence in any situation.
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    (Original post by goldenusername)
    no the last thing i'm about to do is back your mum, i'm sorry if this comes across as rude but i have zero respect for people who resort to violence in any situation.
    Erm. Ok I will.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I tried to talk to one. She just told me to talk to Student Finance.
    That's disheartening. It's really difficult to negotiate this situation on your own. I can't think of anything other than to keep approaching various support services until you find one who will get stuck in on your behalf. Sorry I can't do better...
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    (Original post by OxFossil)
    That's disheartening. It's really difficult to negotiate this situation on your own. I can't think of anything other than to keep approaching various support services until you find one who will get stuck in on your behalf. Sorry I can't do better...
    I still need to call Student finance..
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I still need to call Student finance..

    That would be good. Keep fighting for what you want, and be kind to yourself!
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    (Original post by OxFossil)
    That would be good. Keep fighting for what you want, and be kind to yourself!
    Put up with her for so long I hope I can survive a year..
 
 
 
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