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    • #45
    #45

    I am a black woman and i hate myself for being so. Yes i admit it i am self hating. I hate the colour of my skin, i hate my slightly larger nose, and most of all i HATE my hair. I think it looks dry short, dull ugly and dirty and it does not matter if i try to style it or use moisterizer. I feel inferior to women of other races like indians, whites and latinos w/e. I just feel plain and ugly, oh yeah and i hate my plain coloured eyes, why do other races have nice looking coloured eyes of all shades from blue, green , hazel etc and i am stuck with this boring looking colour? I feel as if guys will never be attracted to me because of how ugly i look. I have friends that are black but i hate black women? This is not right, and i know i am mentally ill and need help. It is really affecting my self esteem to the point where i am wishing i was mixed with something else as well so i wouldn't have been full black. I don't even want to have children with black men to not allow my children to be ugly and dirty. I want to dilute my genes to give my children a chance and make them better and nicer instead of a dirty looking little african / black baby
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    That's good. It's great when something suits you so well.

    Yeah hockey has a fair amount of contact but generally the equipment stops any major injuries. Sometimes it's still a bit of a surprise when you take a hit but you get used to it, it's all part of the fun and excitement anyway! I suppose a bit like the tackles in rugby?
    I have still to get adapted to the feeling to tackle and being tackled, but as soon as you are in a game, you just tackle and are happy, if the opponent goes down. But tackling is very regulated, as you can only tackle a player with a ball. And then there are the scrums, of course ... :eek:
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    I had a really bad night last night. I went for a walk and started seeing/imagining things that weren't real. I'm worried I'm going to have to go back to hospital. I didn't manage to phone them because I was too scared they might try and send me back there. I'm going to phone my care coordinator now and try and talk to her about what happened.
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    (Original post by HmMusic)
    I had a really bad night last night. I went for a walk and started seeing/imagining things that weren't real. I'm worried I'm going to have to go back to hospital. I didn't manage to phone them because I was too scared they might try and send me back there. I'm going to phone my care coordinator now and try and talk to her about what happened.
    :hugs: It's best to be honest, including about your fear that they'll say to go back to hospital. Their aim is to help you and that includes taking your wishes into account (plus hospital is expensive, so it's always going to be a last resort). The more they know that they can trust you to say when things are going wrong, the easier it will be for them to help you, and to hopefully keep you out of hospital.

    Planning on replying to your longer post by the way, it's just stuck in my queue of quotes for now.
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    Welcome to any newbies :wavey:

    (Original post by HmMusic)
    Hi all, I've not posted here in ages! Just an update really.

    The past few days/weeks have been extremely rocky for me. On Wednesday I went to the local psychiatric hospital to meet with a lady who helped me fill out my claim form for PIP. I have also begun seeing a mental health nurse on the local perinatal team and she is looking into a possible diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. Ever since then every day has been a struggle - I've begun having flashbacks again and after highlighting bits of a BPD workbook that I recognised (ie most of it) I had a huge one and ended up writing my brother's name all over it without realising.

    I have had a few really tough days/nights with my mental health state - the last one meant I had to leave Scott with my partner, go out and phone the crisis team as my thoughts were so cripplingly scary. Unfortunately the crisis team were less than useless; the woman on the other end was so miserable and grouchy, didn't bother to look up my notes so had no idea of my circumstances, fed me loads of generic crap about how it's all normal and I should go for a walk/have a bath/have a cup of tea, and eventually told me that I was being childish. I can only imagine how she would have affected someone who was in an even worse position than I was. I have been told to make a complaint.

    Overall my mental health has seriously degraded to the point where I feel like I should be back in hospital again sometimes. I really don't want to though, but the thought of being there sometimes make me feel a bit calmer. Other times it scares me.

    Scott is doing well - he is 7 weeks old now and started smiling on Thursday. I hate feeling attached to him all the time though and being alone with him makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I do love him a lot though.

    I hope everyone is getting by alright. I'll try and get on here more. I spend a lot of time on my ipad when I'm feeding so there's no reason why I shouldn't.
    Hey, good to hear from you! Sorry to hear about your experience with the crisis team - that sounds awful Noodlzzz is right though about crisis teams being generally useless. I wonder whether there are ANY decent ones across the UK :erm:

    (Original post by tasha96)
    Congratulations to your sister! :woo: Sure you'll be a wonderful aunty. :hugs:



    Had a really really nice weekend. Was away at a caravan down south for the september weekend and I enjoyed myself. I wasn't as anxious or as paranoid when we were walking around the streets of the towns we visited. :woo: The voices were as loud and as horrible as usual but I wasn't stuck in my own head as much as I usually am because I had no choice but to socialise with my folks. I even managed to eat closer to normal amounts which I think made my parents happy. First time in a long time that I've felt any hope that things might actually get better.
    Back to reality now though. Have a home visit tomorrow which is bad because they obviously think I'm unwell enough to warrent it. Things all feel out of control at the moment and I just seem to be getting worse and worse.

    Hope everyone else is doing good. :grouphugs:
    Pleased you had a good trip, lovely :hugs:


    (Original post by HmMusic)
    I had a really bad night last night. I went for a walk and started seeing/imagining things that weren't real. I'm worried I'm going to have to go back to hospital. I didn't manage to phone them because I was too scared they might try and send me back there. I'm going to phone my care coordinator now and try and talk to her about what happened.
    Good luck for the phone call :hugs:
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    Holla to those who are new to the thread! :penguinhug:

    (Original post by Emsies)
    Hi everyone only recently started using TSR again and could really do with some support. I have generalised anxiety disorder with episodes of depression, SI and panic attacks. Yesterday I sat a resit exam for the 3rd time after having a panic attack before it last summer. I then had to resit the year after failing a supplementary exam last September. I'm about to enter my 3rd year at uni but I'm so scared that I've failed this resit and I'll be kicked out of uni. My anxiety is bad and I can barely move from the sofa because I feel so low. I can't stop worrying and I'm scared I'm going to slip back into regular SI again. I've got my regular GP appointment on wednesday and therapy on Thursday but I feel stuck. My partner is very supportive but rarely understands why I feel the way I do and can't see why I'm still worrying about my exam when I can't do anything but wait for the result.

    Does anyone have any advice? I don't really know where else to turn.

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    :hugs: Ah the curses of happy positive people, parents are the same Have you sat your partner down to explain to them exactly why you're getting so worked up about it? Maybe that way they can understand more or at the very least you can figure it out yourself and then maybe figure out ways to help stop getting worried. Once you can reason with yourself it can be much easier to deal with the anxiety.

    I guess the main thing is just to take your mind off it as there's nothing you can do to change it, even if it's really diifcult, practice some deep breathing exercises if you get too stressed out and find something you enjoy doing and try to treat yourself Should help improve your self-confidence as well. When I got stressed for exams I would play a heck of a lot of video games as nothing demands as it does a wonderful job of taking your mind of things.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi everyone, i haven't been on TSR for about 4 months now but i would like to share with you all that my depression and anxiety is very much under control now i haven't had any really bad bouts for months and i am feeling a lot better about myself and my life. I am posting on here because i feel like i finally realize i have control over my life and my actions and feel strangely positive about my future even though i have no goals for the next few years apart from to be happy and not let the pass alter who i am now.
    I am currently on the waiting list for CBT and was interested to know if anyone else was in this position? I have been waiting for about 3 months now... If you are on the waiting list how long have you been waiting for?
    Thanks muchly :grin:
    i don't know about the cbt waiting list, but im glad to hear you're feeling better and have gotten your depression and anxiety under control
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    Not doing good at all. :cry2: Having such a bad day. Hospital is being spoken about again if the meds I'm on currently dont start making a difference and I really dont want that to happen. So scared. :cry2:
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    (Original post by tasha96)
    Not doing good at all. :cry2: Having such a bad day. Hospital is being spoken about again if the meds I'm on currently dont start making a difference and I really dont want that to happen. So scared. :cry2:
    :hugs: sorry to hear things ain't so good. Hospital while horrible isn't actually that scary. I mean yes it's horrible and is a last resort but it also means they can give you an increased dose of the drug to stabilize you and then you can be out before you know it - or at least that's how things worked for me. Plus some of them actually have stuff like computers or people as awesome as fire2burn volunteering there.
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    Gotta have a blood test to see how bad the side effects I'm getting actually are. Really quite annoyed as it might mean I have to stop taking the risperidone and actually I'm feeling pretty good right now on it so I don't want to. The voices are the least intrusive and shouty that they've been in some time and the walls are easily ignoreable - I'm scared of having to quit.
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    Can't stand this horrible weather, makes me feel down :sad: I guess I gotta get used to seeing more of it for the next few months.

    It is getting ever closer to me moving out for uni. I'm excited and nervous at the same time . Also an appointment with the psychiatrist in 2 days, Sertraline hasn't worked for me at all so I'm hoping to change meds.
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    (Original post by avhhs)
    Can't stand this horrible weather, makes me feel down :sad: I guess I gotta get used to seeing more of it for the next few months.

    It is getting ever closer to me moving out for uni. I'm excited and nervous at the same time . Also an appointment with the psychiatrist in 2 days, Sertraline hasn't worked for me at all so I'm hoping to change meds.
    You should try the weather here - it's 37C and I was standing in the sun waiting for a bus for 20minutes. :mad:

    I think it's pretty normal to be nervous, it's a massive life change but hopefully it'll improve your life and you'll really enjoy yourself. Do you have any idea what you want to change to? Before I used to go to appointments I'd read up on antidepressants so I at least had some idea what I wanted. They all have different side effects and while there's no guarantee you'll get x or y there can be increased chances with different drugs.
    • #46
    #46

    Hello there...

    I'm going to University on Saturday and it's safe to say that I am absolutely terrified. I feel like crying just thinking about it. I've never been away from my family before and even though I'm not going far (an hour away), I'll be living in halls. I sometimes end up with panic attacks but if not I'll feel tearful and sick.

    Since I'm studying Medicine, it will be an intense course which will provide less time (than other courses) to come home. I'm really close to my family and don't want to upset them, because they know it's my dream and I'm not particularly for turning tail and running away.

    It's a big step and I don't want to be a sobbing wreck the entire time (not the best way to start making friends!). Is there anyone else out there who has gone through the same thing or knows what to do in this situation?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hello there...

    I'm going to University on Saturday and it's safe to say that I am absolutely terrified. I feel like crying just thinking about it. I've never been away from my family before and even though I'm not going far (an hour away), I'll be living in halls. I sometimes end up with panic attacks but if not I'll feel tearful and sick.

    Since I'm studying Medicine, it will be an intense course which will provide less time (than other courses) to come home. I'm really close to my family and don't want to upset them, because they know it's my dream and I'm not particularly for turning tail and running away.

    It's a big step and I don't want to be a sobbing wreck the entire time (not the best way to start making friends!). Is there anyone else out there who has gone through the same thing or knows what to do in this situation?
    I've finished university now but I felt pretty terrified beforehand I remember. Could you try joining the facebook group for your halls or see if there's a discussion thread on here? That way you get talking and might even meet people you're actually living with online beforehand which should help with the anxiety a bit. I think once you get there you should feel less nervous, I mean that's the whole point in freshers' week - to help people adjust.
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    Going to spend some time catching up on the thread now, but I'm just posting to say I've had a good holiday and I'm home.

    Been really terrified of swimming for the last five years because of scars, but I actually went twice during this week so I'm uber proud of myself and actually found it quite good. Swimming used to be my favourite sport so I'm feeling more confident now and like I might get back into it.
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    (Original post by octoberbaby)
    Going to spend some time catching up on the thread now, but I'm just posting to say I've had a good holiday and I'm home.

    Been really terrified of swimming for the last five years because of scars, but I actually went twice during this week so I'm uber proud of myself and actually found it quite good. Swimming used to be my favourite sport so I'm feeling more confident now and like I might get back into it.
    Well done you - that's great
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    Guys how do you stop worrying/thinking about things when you are really stressed out and cant sleep even though you are really tied? (((


    Posted from TSR Mobile
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    had a very up and down day today, and i never got to see my nephew because of my sisters ******** boyfriend, but thats another story and it also made my mum cry :sad:

    me and mum went up to windermere for the afternoon and went round lakeland plastics which is AMAYZING i also bought the boyfriend a Dr Who related cooking treat
    we then had scones and hot chocolate in the cafe, and omg it was so nice!
    we then drove back and stopped of and sat by the lake for a bit, and i got some really good photos of us together which was good
    we then drove back and got some food, and got home. which is where i kinda fell apart and got VERY upset by my sisters boyfriend

    BUT were going to see her and the baby tomorrow which im super excited about because i want snuggles as hes been poorly
    and an xray and a camera down his nose already
    but theyv found the problem and its just the inside of his nose isnt fully developed yet, but isnt anything to worry about as it will get better naturally luckily!

    no tears YET though tonight, i cried twice last night though, so who knows
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    You should try the weather here - it's 37C and I was standing in the sun waiting for a bus for 20minutes. :mad:

    I think it's pretty normal to be nervous, it's a massive life change but hopefully it'll improve your life and you'll really enjoy yourself. Do you have any idea what you want to change to? Before I used to go to appointments I'd read up on antidepressants so I at least had some idea what I wanted. They all have different side effects and while there's no guarantee you'll get x or y there can be increased chances with different drugs.
    I'd prefer that earlier I was feeling really low, one of the worst I've felt in recent weeks.

    Yeah, I'm hoping that things go well for me there. I don't know what meds I want to change to :dontknow: Citalopram made me really tired (although helped otherwise) while Sertraline hasn't really done anything to help, and I think it is making me really tired as well now.
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    (Original post by Sabertooth)
    :hugs: sorry to hear things ain't so good. Hospital while horrible isn't actually that scary. I mean yes it's horrible and is a last resort but it also means they can give you an increased dose of the drug to stabilize you and then you can be out before you know it - or at least that's how things worked for me. Plus some of them actually have stuff like computers or people as awesome as fire2burn volunteering there.
    Thanks. :hugs: I'm just scared of being locked up somewhere.

    (Original post by beau-malheur)
    Guys how do you stop worrying/thinking about things when you are really stressed out and cant sleep even though you are really tied? (((


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    I focus on relaxing different parts of my body from the feet up while I'm lying in bed (sounds weird but it works) if my head is quiet, and have music/an audio book on really loud if it isn't. Hope you get some sleep soon. :hugs:
 
 
 
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