Girlfriend told her parents that she's constantly cooking for me. Watch

vertigo.0012
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#61
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#61
(Original post by Anonymous)
In my defence, I'm a terrible cook in comparison to her, and she tends to have much higher standards of food. I have in the past thought it'd be a good idea to mix some food together, only to receive looks which suggests "uhh... no thanks."
I do that! Curry goes really well with lasagne...and fish fingers, rice, baked beans and bbq sauce complement each other quite well too.

That wasn't helpful in anyway possible. Just thought you'd like to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
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aleathiel
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#62
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I do most of the cooking in my relationship and honestly don't mind apart from when I'd like some down time to do other things I need to do. I do enjoy cooking though

OP, how about you get a recipe book and surprise her from time to time by cooking for her? That way it doesn't matter if you don't know what goes with what, because it's all right there in the book for you. (Didn't mean to sound patronising)
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Meh.
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#63
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Must say I'm surprised at the response! My boyfriend and I have the EXACT same problem, all the time, and I always thought it was maybe unfair of me to expect him to pitch in - Clearly not!

OP, I agree with others who say you don't necessarily have to 'cook', but you do have to make up in other ways! I enjoy cooking, and I like making nice food for him to enjoy... but it's a bit annoying when you seem to be doing more than your fair share of things in a relationship. Cleaning up is generally the most common way of splitting up food responsibility. My boyfriend and I technically have this 'policy', but because he's so slow (and I want to say lazy), he never even thinks to actually do it unless I ask him to. Seriously, given his choice, the pots and plates will be there next morning and beyond - by which time, he'll be asking me if it's still our stuff or the other tenants. Don't get me wrong, he'll do it when I ask him (and generally not complain), but I'm so sick of always asking him! It's our joint responsibility, he should know to do certain things without needing me to be his mum, telling him exactly what to do. Sometimes I feel he should live out completely on his own for a year (not at home, and not with me), just to learn how to take responsibility for the runnings of everyday chores.

*Rant* Sorry, got carried away there... as you can tell, this issue does really bug me. And as such, I emphasise with the OP's girlfriend.
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Anonymous #1
#64
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#64
(Original post by green chica)
it kinda sounds like you're making up excuses for your laziness and unwillingness to learn. have her teach you! it's really not that hard...
Not really.
I can make my own dishes. It's just that she's alot more into cooking than I am, and has higher standards of what she wants to eat.

Think about it this way.

It takes me about twice the time to prepare the food she does, and if she's already there, chances are she's just going to take over the preparation just to speed up the process.

I've pretty much told her that she should let me do it, and she's let me do so alot more. But still the unbalance exists because she feels that she's constantly helping me out with the cooking when I'm making these dishes.

The only way around this would be for me to say "No. It's okay. You don't need to do anything."
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flying plum
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#65
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Not really.
I can make my own dishes. It's just that she's alot more into cooking than I am, and has higher standards of what she wants to eat.

Think about it this way.

It takes me about twice the time to prepare the food she does, and if she's already there, chances are she's just going to take over the preparation just to speed up the process.

I've pretty much told her that she should let me do it, and she's let me do so alot more. But still the unbalance exists because she feels that she's constantly helping me out with the cooking when I'm making these dishes.

The only way around this would be for me to say "No. It's okay. You don't need to do anything."
Does your girlfriend really have standards that are 'too high'? If that is true, then how does she really ever think you're going to cook for her? Talk about beating a guy when he's down (if this is really the case).

May I repeat my suggestion? Sit her down with a glass of wine, in front of a film, tell her she's not to come into the kitchen until you are done. it might take you all night, it might not taste as good as if she had made it, but she should appreciate the effort. She also needs to let you do it yourself, and resist the temptation to 'help' you (i.e. take over)...too many women attempt to martyr themselves over these things, I can't help but feel... the wine-and-film should sort that out that. and barricade yourself into the kitchen.

Alternatively, if there is this 'imbalance' in your relationship, as others have said: balance it through other things. And make sure you ALWAYS wash up after she's cooked, preferably before you go to bed that night.
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HistoryRepeating
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#66
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#66
(Original post by philistine)
Which I also said in the original post you quoted, you ribald.

Its your attitude that is retarded, not your advice.
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faber niger
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#67
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Separating meals out won't help, it'll just annoy her: if she's got to cook for herself, she's still cooking. Just learn to cook, and start making meals for a both of you a few nights of the week, so that you both have days where you get to rest from cooking. The more practice you have, the faster/better you'll become; it's not astrophysics.
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HistoryRepeating
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#68
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(Original post by Meh.)
Must say I'm surprised at the response! My boyfriend and I have the EXACT same problem, all the time, and I always thought it was maybe unfair of me to expect him to pitch in - Clearly not!

OP, I agree with others who say you don't necessarily have to 'cook', but you do have to make up in other ways! I enjoy cooking, and I like making nice food for him to enjoy... but it's a bit annoying when you seem to be doing more than your fair share of things in a relationship. Cleaning up is generally the most common way of splitting up food responsibility. My boyfriend and I technically have this 'policy', but because he's so slow (and I want to say lazy), he never even thinks to actually do it unless I ask him to. Seriously, given his choice, the pots and plates will be there next morning and beyond - by which time, he'll be asking me if it's still our stuff or the other tenants. Don't get me wrong, he'll do it when I ask him (and generally not complain), but I'm so sick of always asking him! It's our joint responsibility, he should know to do certain things without needing me to be his mum, telling him exactly what to do. Sometimes I feel he should live out completely on his own for a year (not at home, and not with me), just to learn how to take responsibility for the runnings of everyday chores.

*Rant* Sorry, got carried away there... as you can tell, this issue does really bug me. And as such, I emphasise with the OP's girlfriend.
Thats a completely legitimate viewpoint and how I hope most normal people would react in your position. The solution is to talk to him about it.
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HistoryRepeating
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#69
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#69
(Original post by Anonymous)
Not really.
I can make my own dishes. It's just that she's alot more into cooking than I am, and has higher standards of what she wants to eat.

Think about it this way.

It takes me about twice the time to prepare the food she does, and if she's already there, chances are she's just going to take over the preparation just to speed up the process.

I've pretty much told her that she should let me do it, and she's let me do so alot more. But still the unbalance exists because she feels that she's constantly helping me out with the cooking when I'm making these dishes.

The only way around this would be for me to say "No. It's okay. You don't need to do anything."
Which is exactly what you should say when you are making something for her. Or just give her specific, discrete tasks eg "chop these carrots".

Furthermore - do you do the lions share of the cleaning given that she does most of the cooking?

Also what do you cook compared to her, what exactly do you mean by higher standards (give examples)?
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Anonymous #1
#70
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(Original post by RahRah09)
Dude just buy an recipe book!

It's not that hard to cook if you have a set of instructions in front of you.
I can cook stuff. It's just that she'll be more experienced than I am in the kitchen so will often take over the process, given that I take twice as long as her when it comes to making the stuff.

I have been learning stuff off her. It's just that if we're eating together, she'll do most of the cooking because she's more capable of preparing the dishes faster than I am.

(Original post by vickie89)
in fairness i think she could have phrased it better to her parents, yes she probably does most of the cooking but could have said something like "i do most of the cooking as he isnt great at cooking, but he does help me out while i cook" or something to that effect.

you could learn a few basic things that you know she will like then you could cook for her sometimes, try and get her to show you what she is doing and you will pick it up so will eventually be able to help her more, maybe if she sees that you are willing to learn from her she might not feel as annoyed at doing all the cooking all the time. if you really dont know what goes with what then get a studen cookbook, i have 3 that are very easy to follow and have some very good stuff in that is pretty easy to cook, you could try one recipe out every week or so, explain to your girlfriend you are trying to learn and she will probably be pleased you are making the effort for her, and if you dont already then you should probably tidy up afterwards, as if she is spending all the time and effort cooking for you both then maybe you should tidy up afterwards, seems fair
Thanks for understanding my view. I've pretty much learnt how to make a fair amount of the dishes now by just observing her. Tomato egg, vegetables, chickens... standard chinese cooking really. But, it really just I'm slower than her when it comes to doing these things (For example: since I'm still learning, I can't for example cook more than 3 dishes at the exact same time.)

Today I told her I'll be having pasta for dinner, and asked her whether she wants any. I guess I'll have to stick to predominantly western dishes if I plan on cooking seperately to her.
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Anonymous #1
#71
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#71
(Original post by philistine)
It's stupid **** like this why I'm done with relationships. Seriously, cooking? Aren't there any bigger ****ing problems?

Not ragging on you personally, though relationships seem to create huge piles of small rubbish, all the damn time, just because of that very fact.

If she doesn't like cooking your food at the same time (which she obviously doesn't, otherwise there would have been zero negative implications), then tell her not to bother. I know precisely where you're coming from with the 'let's cook seperately' idea, though it's either that, or you learn to cook competently (or at her level, if all possible).

I get the feeling if you left this completely unchanged, then it'd just get worse, and worse and worse...
Pretty much. It's usually the really small stuff like this that causes the death of most relationships.

(Original post by HistoryRepeating)
You live together. You can't expect her to do 100% of the cooking - you are not a small child.

If you cant cook to her standard, you need to learn. Buy some cookery books, go on a course or just pay bloody attention when she is cooking.

You dont actually do anything worth mentioning, stop feeling hard done by.

This is ridiculous, you live together. "I'd rather we did our own cooking so I can eat readymeals and not owe her one" is a horrible horrible attitude.

The reason it reflects badly on you is that your attitude is bad.


that is beyond ridiculous. a) its vastly more expensive and b) its a complete copout based around you being lazy. I cant believe you think this attitude is reasonable. You dont want her to cook for you so you can eat bad food and not feel indebted to her - do you have any idea how insecure and lazy that makes you sound?



........................
Cheers for the alternative opinion. But it really isn't that I expect her to cook for me at all. I can actually make my own dishes, it's just when we're cooking together, I'm sort of pushed to the background role.

As for the price thing. Meh, I don't really see how it's cheaper in anyway given that we're still cooking dishes on an everyday bases. If we were for example, cooking and freezing the food afterwards, I'd see your point. But we're not doing that.
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HistoryRepeating
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#72
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Pretty much. It's usually the really small stuff like this that causes the death of most relationships.



Cheers for the alternative opinion. But it really isn't that I expect her to cook for me at all. I can actually make my own dishes, it's just when we're cooking together, I'm sort of pushed to the background role.

As for the price thing. Meh, I don't really see how it's cheaper in anyway given that we're still cooking dishes on an everyday bases. If we were for example, cooking and freezing the food afterwards, I'd see your point. But we're not doing that.
While I agree its the small stuff that eats into relationships, cant you see its you with the various issues here not her - she has not acted like she resents cooking for you, you resent her cooking for you but you are not willing to do the obvious solution and learn some cookery skills OR come to an express deal with her where you do all of the cleaning in exchange - then she can never feel hard done by and you wont feel bad.

The whole "make my own dishes" - it sounds like you arent ready to live with someone if you think this is even a viable option.

As an experiment go to the supermarket and buy all the ingredients for specific meal for one. Now buy ingredients for the SAME meal but for 2 people.

Its only like 20% more.
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usergirl
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#73
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why dont you just do more of the cleaning?
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Anonymous #1
#74
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#74
(Original post by flying plum)
Does your girlfriend really have standards that are 'too high'? If that is true, then how does she really ever think you're going to cook for her? Talk about beating a guy when he's down (if this is really the case).

May I repeat my suggestion? Sit her down with a glass of wine, in front of a film, tell her she's not to come into the kitchen until you are done. it might take you all night, it might not taste as good as if she had made it, but she should appreciate the effort. She also needs to let you do it yourself, and resist the temptation to 'help' you (i.e. take over)...too many women attempt to martyr themselves over these things, I can't help but feel... the wine-and-film should sort that out that. and barricade yourself into the kitchen.

Alternatively, if there is this 'imbalance' in your relationship, as others have said: balance it through other things. And make sure you ALWAYS wash up after she's cooked, preferably before you go to bed that night.
I don't think she has that high of a standard, but it is certainly level above my basic idea of just throwing in some vegetables together, and having one meat dish with rice. She's more into cooking things slightly more complicated dishes.

I did that once, I made the meal where she didn't touch at all. It was on valentine. =/

Otherwise I usually do the dishes 80% of the time because I haven't really done anything.
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flying plum
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that's a bit mean not to eat the food you made at all...if she acts like that what does she expect?

It sounds like this problem, as others have said, maybe goes a bit deeper than just 'who cooks' - you need to sit down and talk. Tell her that you would like to cook more (if you do want to?), but that you're not that confident and you need a bit more support from her. She really should respect that...
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superwolf
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I don't think she has that high of a standard, but it is certainly level above my basic idea of just throwing in some vegetables together, and having one meat dish with rice. She's more into cooking things slightly more complicated dishes.

I did that once, I made the meal where she didn't touch at all. It was on valentine. =/

Otherwise I usually do the dishes 80% of the time because I haven't really done anything.
To be honest the more you post, the more it's starting to sound like it's your girlfriend who has the problem and whose attitude needs to change, rather than you. If you make the effort of making a (presumably edible) meal, it's pretty rude to not eat a single bite of it. It's no wonder you don't cook much if that's what happens when you do. Try talking to her about it and see if you can reach some kind of a compromise where you both put a little more effort in.
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MathsLord
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#77
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I live with my girlfriend so we usually do the shopping and have meals together.

I've found the kitchen to be a major problem in our relationship. There have been several occasions, where my girlfriend would be upset about the lack of cooking on my behalf. In my defence, I'm a terrible cook in comparison to her, and she tends to have much higher standards of food. I have in the past thought it'd be a good idea to mix some food together, only to receive looks which suggests "uhh... no thanks."
No big deal. She's been cooking longer than I have, so probably has a better idea of what goes together and all that. So I've sort of fallen into a role of pretty much just helping out with the cooking, doing small things like whipping the egg, mixing the food in the saucepan etc, rather than coming up with the dishes.

Recently, her parents asked her whether she cooked for me. "Yes, most of the time." and whether I cooked for her... which was "not really". Her parents advised her not to do it so often since I'd take it for granted, which is fair enough. I can totally understand where they are coming from, and I'd even agree with their assessment. But something kind of bothers me about this.

  • I hate that my girlfriend feels the cooking is unbalanced. Sometimes, it makes me feel like saying 'You don't need to cook for me as well.' but that will only be taken badly imo. I'm sure she does it because she wants to, not because she expects me to cook half the time as well. But, still the pressure exists.
  • I thought when I was helping out, that at least it'd be a case of "Oh, he helps out with the cooking" not "I do most of the cooking". Perhaps, it's true that when I help out, it's not really helping out that much but still, it feels like she doesn't really acknowledge the fact that I'm helping out, and that it is still 'unbalanced' in her eyes.
  • This one is probably minor. But, I'm pretty sure that the answers given to her parents doesn't reflect well on me. I would rather prefer if we did our own cooking, and she told them that "nah, we usually do our own thing" than "I do most of the cooking, he doesn't do anything"


While part of me thinks that it'd be a good idea to actively cook for her. Another part of me thinks it'd also be a good idea to seperate our cooking, so that she doesn't just cook my proportion as well when she's making stuff. But, like I said previously, I get the feeling that suggesting we do things seperately will just end badly.

"I'm okay. You don't need to cook for me all the time."

Maybe it's a case of just preparing food other than rice, gradually increasing the amount of 'alternative food' I make. But if I'm also going to be eatting rice, there's literally no way to avoid the fact that we'll be creating dishes to go with it (and then comes in the idea "we might as well share the meat/vegetable/egg/whatever dish" in that case)

Ugh... I need solutions...
**** relationships.
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street.lovin'
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#78
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I personally love cooking for my boyfriend.

Just tell her she does not have to cook a lot for you. Ask her to teach you how to cook etc.

She should understand tha tyou are not very good at cooking and that's why you don't cook.

She does not really seem to care abtou tyou much to be honest especially when she wants you to cook but when you cook she does not eat anything.

That's very mean, she did not even make you look good in her parents' views either.... :P

Horrible girlfriend....
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suis-je bovvered?
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Isn't it her job as the woman?
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