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Not allowed a boyfriend..... Age 20 watch

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    (Original post by amie)
    That is awful. No offence, but your parents sound very smothering.
    the worst part is, im mature adult now and i have been indoctrinated so much that i dont know how much of my beliefs are from me and how much is from them.

    eg do i not want to have sex before marriage because i choose it? or do i think i have chosen it because they have told me all the evils of why it is wrong. do i choose to be religious? or is it because i have been brought up that way?

    i think many asian and Catholic families are this way even when the child is older.

    even worse me mam is putting the pressure on me to look after her in her old age so i'll be 45 living with my husband (if im allowed a bf lol) and my mam will be nagging us STILL. i cant get away cos otherwise she gives me a guilt trip on the commandment 'Honor thy mother and father' and 'are you Catholic?or do you want me to rot in an old people home?'

    sorry OP to hijack!im just annoyed now!
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    [QUOTE=shinytoy] i cant get away cos otherwise she gives me a guilt trip on the commandment 'Honor thy mother and father' and 'are you Catholic?or do you want me to rot in an old people home?'
    QUOTE]

    Aah, them catholics! My mum's family's irish catholic, and my grandad didnt talk to my uncle for 5 years cos my uncle went out with a Protestant girl! Daft *******s. Thing is, as well as the indoctrination etc, your mum knows what to say and how to guilt trip you, what you need to do is stop reacting to it and just get on doing your own thing. If you let her know how much of a child you think she's acting and behave like an adult, she might quit with it herself out of embarrassment (long shot but a thought)
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    i guess so, i think she doesnt want me to have a bf cos shes scared of losing me. might be the same for the OP- maybe they dont want you to grow up?

    fresh, are you Catholic? do you wana join my Soc?
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    If you really want it to work with your boyfriend, and your parents are still stubborn about it, then I think you should try and arrange seeing him without your parents knowing, as this is what I am doing at the moment because parents just never understand.
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    In ref to your first point, it probably is that, a lot of parents' repression of their kids is down to fear and ignorance of the life that their children lead, and the culture in which they live at school etc etc. My mum did a lot of guilt trip stuff when i was younger (don't they all) but once i said 'mum, quit with all the guilt trips' or words to that effect, she did and started talking to me like an adult.

    2nd bit - My mum is lapsed catholic, ie says 'God bless' when she's drunk, goes to mass coupla times a year but that's about it.

    My dad was brought up anglican but doesnt believe in any of it, which is kinda the same as me - went to CofE schools but never actually believed it.

    Never was baptised or anythin, so im not sure if i'd be even ALLOWED to join your soc
    • #5
    #5

    (Original post by cookiecrumble)
    Yes this is an issue but not the whole problem...... as i said I was actually going out of the same race + religion etc. but they still had a problem with it!
    so if the guy has the same beliefs, why do they still have a problem? As your parents are not liberal type, they sure want you to get married in the future so how do they expect you to meet a guy and get to know him if you don't go out with him first?
    I believe it also depends on how far you take things with your bf. If you slept together then yeah that might shock your parents.

    I think there must be a way of talking to them, discussing issues, tell them that u are grown up and you are still respecting their ideas (and thats why the guy is same background etc)
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    Not allowed? You are not their *****.
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    (Original post by shinytoy)
    the worst part is, im mature adult now and i have been indoctrinated so much that i dont know how much of my beliefs are from me and how much is from them.

    eg do i not want to have sex before marriage because i choose it? or do i think i have chosen it because they have told me all the evils of why it is wrong. do i choose to be religious? or is it because i have been brought up that way?

    i think many asian and Catholic families are this way even when the child is older.

    even worse me mam is putting the pressure on me to look after her in her old age so i'll be 45 living with my husband (if im allowed a bf lol) and my mam will be nagging us STILL. i cant get away cos otherwise she gives me a guilt trip on the commandment 'Honor thy mother and father' and 'are you Catholic?or do you want me to rot in an old people home?'

    sorry OP to hijack!im just annoyed now!
    It's so bad that your mother would use your own religion against you in a form of emotional blackmail! I really don't know what to say... :hugs:
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    Just get a boyfriend, tell your parents they shouldn't be so oppressive.
    • #6
    #6

    To the OP ... you are not alone! i am 23 years old and my parents still won't let me out late let alone have a boyfriend. If I decide to go out for a couple hours on a friday night with friends from work i have to tell them that i am running late etc, because they just start phoning me asking where i am and making me feel guilty about being out late.

    if you think that's bad...for my 23rd bithday last month i planned to go out to the movies with a friend and told my dad that i would be back for about 8pm and he angry and said that there was no need to stay out past 6pm... this got me really mad because i am 23 after all..didn't speak to my dad for ages..but it all came down to being a good little asian girl and not doing anything that might get you in trouble so no one will marry you. i stopped talking to my mum about 6 months ago because she refused to support me in building my own life and career even though she got her own.

    added to this being a sikh girl i am not allowed to cut my hair...or shave...or tweeze my eyebrows because my parents would go ballistic..and quite possible disown me...because of this i am constantly upset and feel i am being judged all the time by people assuming i am someone when i'm not, ie. that i have chosen to be a strict sikh when i haven't...this really makes it hard for me to make friends because i feel like i haven't got the confidence io would have if i was allowed to do these things.

    i can understand when you have younger siblings and you don't want to create an atmosphere in your home but i really do encourage you to fight for what you want now ... don't wait because it will only get harder....and don't give up...keep trying to get your point across..for every argument they make, find a valid reason to prove them wrong...don't be like me and let it get to the stage where it ruins your relationship with parents and friends and co-workers

    hope it works out for you xxx
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    (Original post by shinytoy)
    but then when i got home no-one spoke to me for 3 days, except my bro who said 'you are too young to kiss a guy'.
    (Original post by shinytoy)
    my bro gets away with loads of stuff - i had to sneak out to go clubbing/pubbing when i was 19 until i was caught and then i was allowed but i had to be back by midnight.i also cant go into london alone. i still am not allowed alchocol but my bro is 17 and he goes clubbing partying and drinking and my paretns say 'its different - he's a boy'
    I bet you money he's not a virgin.

    Anyway, about the OP etc. As soon as I turned 18 I was pretty much let loose. I'm an only child in a single parent family but luckily my mum has a sister with 2 older kids who she turned to for advice. My aunt told her that now I was 18, my mum's job is over and she should just watch. I love my aunt Before I was 18 though I never disobeyed her, so I guess I did earn some respect. And I don't really do anything overly ridiculous now, I just sleep over at my boyfriend's occasionally.

    I can't imagine how horrible it must be for you though I'm sorry! Want my mum? She's nice
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    yea i'll have your mom!
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    (Original post by shinytoy)
    lol they always use that line. they say there's no point in me dating until im ready to have sex or get married.
    So how exactly do they expect you to decide when you are ready to have sex or get married to someone? Sitting in a room on your own thinking very hard about it? You have to get out there make a few mistakes and find someone you will be happy with.
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    If parents want to make sure that their children don't engage in sex before marriage (which is probably the reason they don't want you to have boy/girlfriends) then they should have brought you up so that you understand the reasons behind that, and when you get to the appropriate age you can decide for yourself. I think this kind of overzealous parental intervention merely shows how little faith they have in their own parenting abilities; you shouldn't be held accountable for their shortcomings.
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    it's all about our culture.
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    And what culture is that exactly?
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    mostly ASIAN. I know this as i'm an asian.
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    Ok, and your point is?
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    Well it's their house. I'm not saying they're right, but if you move out on your own, you can do what you want. At 20 shouldn't you either be in college or like finding a job and getting your own apartment?
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    (Original post by Agent Z)
    Ok, and your point is?
    sry. i should have made that clear. What i was saying was that the parents were just following the "rules" of their culture. that's how they were taught when they were young. I'm annoyed that my parents does think in that way as well.
    My ancestors were from China but i was borned in Malaysia. i never say i'm a chinese as I'm a MALAYSIAN. But my parents didn't agree with what i've said because they think i should see myself as a Chinese!!!!:mad: And i remember that i told them i'll not want to marry a Chinese(or sort of chinese related) guy because 99.9% of them think in my parents' way. And my mum said i was a forget-about-your-root-and-culture person:rolleyes: I was like "what ever:rolleyes: "
 
 
 
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