Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
x Turn on thread page Beta
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Please bear with me, this might end up incredibly long as it's quite complicated.

    When I was 14, I started chatting to a guy online who was 17 and lived in London (I live in Scotland). We chatted for around 1.5 years and I thought I was madly in love with him, as you do at that age. Eventually, he cut off contact and told me that we couldn't even talk anymore and I was gutted. I found out at the end of 2007 that the reason he'd cut contact with me was because he had a girlfriend, and a baby on the way. And he was 24 when we spoke, not 17. I got on with my life and didn't think about him much after that, I had no way of getting in touch with him anyway.

    A few months ago, I decided to Google him out of curiosity and was shocked to stumble across a news article with a picture of him. Basically, his dad had passed away and I wanted to send my condolences so I eventually managed to find him on Facebook (he had blocked me before) and I sent him a message from a different account, not expecting him to reply. He did reply, and we've been chatting again over the past few months.

    The messages started off innocently at first and I didn't think much of it, but eventually they ended up getting a bit flirty and suggestive. I had a trip to London planned and told him about it, and he offered to meet me to show me the sights. I didn't think he would, but I went along with it anyway. About a week before I went to London, I got a phone call from his girlfriend and then she messaged me on Facebook. She'd seen the messages and wanted to know what was going on, and weirdly we ended up in a conversation and she told me that she asks herself why she's with him and that she doesn't want to break up the relationship between him and their child.

    I went to London last week, and he met me one afternoon. It was pretty surreal, considering it's been over 7 years now since we first started talking. I'm 21 now, he's 31. He ended up kissing me, and I know it was wrong but I didn't stop him. He left about dinner time to get back home, and as soon as he left, I just broke down in tears. I was almost hoping that when I met him, I'd think he was a bit weird or not be that bothered, but it was like all these feelings came flooding back all at once. I told him I felt miserable once he'd left, and he managed to come back that night to see me. We ended up sleeping together - again, wrong I know, but it just felt right. Again, he had to leave me.

    We talked a lot, and he pretty much echoed what his gf had told me. He said he can't leave her because their son means everything to him. He doesn't want to be one of those part-time dads who only sees their kid at weekends, and he got pretty upset talking about it. He says him and gf don't get on.

    I know that the first thing to think reading this would be that I shouldn't have met him, he has a girlfriend and is unavailable, I'm a homewrecker or something... But I really just need honest opinions on this horrible situation. I'm back in Scotland now, and I feel so low and depressed at the thought of being 100s of miles away from him again. He's told me it won't be a one-time thing, and that maybe things will be different when I move down south in September.

    I just don't know how to convince him that staying with someone for the sake of a child isn't right. I understand where he's coming from and I know it's difficult, but I don't want him to regret staying in an unhappy relationship when he's older and the child has grown up. And I know it's unlikely for men in relationships to leave for the 'other woman' but if even his girlfriend has admitted they're only together for a child, isn't it just a matter of time before one of them has had enough and leaves?

    I absolutely hate the sneaking around and only being able to text him at certain times of day. He calls me on his lunch at work and texts when he can, and he wants to meet me next month but I just hate that I'm so far away and he's at home living a completely different life. I don't want to just be a bit of fun for him, a distraction from his relationship. Normally, I'd be cynical and think that he's just saying what I want to hear about only being with her because of the child but the thing is, she's admitted that too.

    I don't want to be the homewrecker, I don't want to cause trouble and I know that I could ruin everything between them if I wanted to - I could easily message her and ruin everything. But I don't want to do that, there's a child involved and it isn't fair on anyone. Similarly, I don't want her to find out by him slipping up. I guess I want him to realize that he shouldn't be with her, and leave of his own accord. But I can't even ask him to do that, because it would be like asking him to choose me over his child.

    It's such a messed up situation, and if you've read all of this then I applaud you, I really do! Any advice would really be appreciated. Please don't just tell me to leave it and forget about him, because I just can't do that, it's out of the question. x
    I got as far as that and then pulled this face :lolwut:

    A 24 year old seducing a 14 year old child via the internet.

    Sounds like a story for 'Dateline NBC' :nothing:
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Shelly_x)
    Maybe this will help you. I used to work with a 50ish year old woman who had been in a 'relationship' with a married man for over 20 years. She had had a child to him. When he died, he told her on his deathbed that he wanted nothing to do with her and she shouldn't come to the funeral as it would upset his "real family". He didn't care about the fact they had a child together and basically she realised that he'd been using her for 20 years just for his own gratification and he never loved her.
    Seems the way that this is going if hes never going to leave his girlfriend, and quite frankly... thats just sad. Do you want to be 30+ and still be the other woman with a child to a man who has lied to you and has no respect for you?
    Thank you. Of course I don't want to be in that situation, which is why I'm trying to convince myself to end it before it goes any further. It's incredibly hard, but the responses on here, although harsh, are helping. It's just very difficult to separate yourself from the feelings involved and to step back and try to look at things from an outsider's perspective. I don't want to think that he's a liar and telling me what I want to hear, but realistically, I need to try and accept this for what it is. If anything he says or feels is genuine, he'd be with me. I don't want to cling on to false hope and waste months/years of my life like the situation you've described. x
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    Well, firstly I don't think you're a "homewrecker", or ruining a child's life. It seems that his relationship is pretty much over, just that neither him or his partner are mature enough to face up to it, living in a home where the parents hate each other does a child no favours. HOWEVER the fact that he was lying about his age and talking to 14 year old's online when he was 24 sends major alarm bells ringing and indicates there is something fundamentally wrong with him. Think about it, how well do you know this guy? You've met him once. What we do know about him for certain is that he is a liar, sneaks around behind his partners back, and talks to children online. Is that REALLY someone you want to get involved with? Really?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by tinywings)
    Well, firstly I don't think you're a "homewrecker", or ruining a child's life. It seems that his relationship is pretty much over, just that neither him or his partner are mature enough to face up to it, living in a home where the parents hate each other does a child no favours. HOWEVER the fact that he was lying about his age and talking to 14 year old's online when he was 24 sends major alarm bells ringing and indicates there is something fundamentally wrong with him. Think about it, how well do you know this guy? You've met him once. What we do know about him for certain is that he is a liar, sneaks around behind his partners back, and talks to children online. Is that REALLY someone you want to get involved with? Really?
    Thank you. Have tried to have a chat with him tonight about everything. I just need to know if he has any intention of leaving his girlfriend and if not, then I can't do this anymore. It's too hard.
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    This man is never going to be with you properly, I'd say you were just another notch on his bed post.
    • TSR Support Team
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    TSR Support Team
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you. Have tried to have a chat with him tonight about everything. I just need to know if he has any intention of leaving his girlfriend and if not, then I can't do this anymore. It's too hard.
    I think you know he won't leave his girlfriend.
    • TSR Support Team
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    TSR Support Team
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you. Have tried to have a chat with him tonight about everything. I just need to know if he has any intention of leaving his girlfriend and if not, then I can't do this anymore. It's too hard.
    I think you know he won't leave his girlfriend.
    Offline

    21
    ReputationRep:
    No offence but he clearly doesn't want to be with his current partner, they would have broken up eventually. It won't ruin the kids life, as he still has both his parents at the end of the day if not that his mum.

    Ask him who he truly loves, you or his current partner he had the baby with, and if he loves you and doesn't love his partner he had the baby with then be with him.

    Theres no point him living a lie just for his kid.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by yellowcopter)
    No offence but he clearly doesn't want to be with his current partner, they would have broken up eventually. It won't ruin the kids life, as he still has both his parents at the end of the day if not that his mum.

    Ask him who he truly loves, you or his current partner he had the baby with, and if he loves you and doesn't love his partner he had the baby with then be with him.

    Theres no point him living a lie just for his kid.
    Thanks. That's what I've been thinking but there isn't anything I can do about it, I don't want to force him to choose. I want him to do it of his own accord. And I don't think it's fair for me to ask him that considering we have only met once and I'm going abroad for 4 months this summer anyway. I've brought it up, but I don't want to definitively ask him to choose unless it's more feasible ie, once I've moved down south in September.

    I just don't want him to end up in his 40s, left in an unhappy relationship once the child has grown up and left. I don't think the situation is fair on anyone involved, let alone the child. x
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Vikki1805)
    I got as far as that and then pulled this face :lolwut:

    A 24 year old seducing a 14 year old child via the internet.

    Sounds like a story for 'Dateline NBC' :nothing:
    He didn't 'seduce' me. As soon as he found out he was expecting a child, he cut contact with me. I used to beg him to meet me and he always refused, so if he were considering anything untoward, he could have easily done so.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    He didn't 'seduce' me. As soon as he found out he was expecting a child, he cut contact with me. I used to beg him to meet me and he always refused, so if he were considering anything untoward, he could have easily done so.
    So he was just an average 24 year old man making polite conversation with a 14 year old online?

    Think about it, he obviously knew something about the situation wasn't quite right, seeing as he cut contact when his girlfriend fell pregnant.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Vikki1805)
    So he was just an average 24 year old man making polite conversation with a 14 year old online?

    Think about it, he obviously knew something about the situation wasn't quite right, seeing as he cut contact when his girlfriend fell pregnant.
    Yeah that's fair enough, but it doesn't really affect the situation now, 7 years later.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah that's fair enough, but it doesn't really affect the situation now, 7 years later.
    Well it sort of does, he's still a grown man who liked children in a way he probably shouldn't have.

    7 years later doesn't change that. :nothing:
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Vikki1805)
    Well it sort of does, he's still a grown man who liked children in a way he probably shouldn't have.

    7 years later doesn't change that. :nothing:
    I'm not a child now and a lot has changed. It's not the issue I'm worried about right now, anyway.
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm not a child now and a lot has changed. It's not the issue I'm worried about right now, anyway.
    Probably why he's not so interested now.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Vikki1805)
    Probably why he's not so interested now.
    If that were the case, he wouldn't be calling me twice a day and wanting to see me again in a few weeks.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    This relationship would not work anyway.

    You live too far away. If he cheated on his girlfriend, what makes you think he wouldn't cheat on you, when you're so far apart - literally at opposite ends of the country?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Knalchemist)
    This relationship would not work anyway.

    You live too far away. If he cheated on his girlfriend, what makes you think he wouldn't cheat on you, when you're so far apart - literally at opposite ends of the country?
    Like I mentioned, I'm moving down south in September.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Like I mentioned, I'm moving down south in September.
    Is he still with his girlfriend? If so, why are you even thinking about all of this? He's taken!

    Why are you moving down south?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Knalchemist)
    Is he still with his girlfriend? If so, why are you even thinking about all of this? He's taken!

    Why are you moving down south?
    Yeah, he's still with her. I can't see anything changing right now because of the distance but I'll be studying down south this year. He's told me that things might be different when I move.
 
 
 
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: December 15, 2015
Poll
Are you going to a festival?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.