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My Friend is dating someone who took advantage of me - Do I tell her about him? Watch

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    (Original post by drbluebox)
    I knew you would bring up something like a guy dragging a girl down a alleyway to say it wasnt excused as it was a one off which is why I mentioned what I did.

    To me its about how serious is serious, and I do say what he did was not right but its serious in the way that doing any crime is serious but doesnt mean all crime should be treated the same, I dont think we should see rape in this sense as everything that can be called rape is the same thats all.

    If someone punched me on the street but just bloodied my nose but the experience scarred me far more than the guy did here would you see it as serious.

    To me its more of a slap on the wrists(a very heavy slap on the wrists) because its very bad and should not be done but I dont see it as severe as pulling a girl in a alleyway.
    No it isnt and i dont think you get my point. I get what your saying though.

    Even a rape by your boyfriend can be as traumatic as a stranger rape. This is why it is still serious and why the police would treat it seriously if it could be proved it happened and she wanted to go to the police.

    Punching you in the nose is not a bodily intrusion, it would traumatise you in a different way and thats the reason they are given different sentences and called different crimes. It also carries with it no risk of pregnancy or STD transmission, another thing which causes rape to be taken so seriously.
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    (Original post by Steevee)
    Here's a clue people, especially to women.

    If you have to be told you were raped, you weren't.

    Bull****, this is one of the biggest myths about rape going. It took me a few years to realise what had happened to me was rape. That was a boyfriend and because of that I didnt think at the time it was. It was only when i started looking further into the definition of rape during some coursework or something, i realised what it was.

    OP is giving oral sex, and get's tired, doesn't want to. The BF encourages her to continue, tells her too etc, and she does.

    Nice assumption there, maybe we could all have this discussion using the words OP said and not putting words into her mouth.
    No pun intended...



    She then continues to have a sexual relationship with him.

    This is fairly common in things like abusive relationships, people dont tend to leave as they havent realised something is abuse or they arent strong enough.
    In what world is the first conclusion there that it was a rape? I've continued oral sex on a girl before only because I felt obliged to, was I raped?
    Could you have stopped at any time and did the girl know you wanted to? The OP says she was made. If you are made to do something you usually have no other choice.
    Part of the reason I once had sex with someone was because of emotional blackmail of a sort, was I sexually abused? No. Grow up. You people want to make people victims, you're not helping them, you're doing the opposite.
    I dont know if i would call that sexual abuse but it isnt right and you shouldnt have felt pressurized into it.

    It would be nice to have some more details from the OP, but without them we cant assume anything other than what she has said.
    Even the boyfriend realised something he did was wrong as he apologized. Now im not saying he should go to prison, but to say it was innocent, a mistake etc is wrong unless you want to completely disregard what the OP said and make up your own version.
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    (Original post by kunoichi)
    I dont know if i would call that sexual abuse but it isnt right and you shouldnt have felt pressurized into it.

    It would be nice to have some more details from the OP, but without them we cant assume anything other than what she has said.
    Even the boyfriend realised something he did was wrong as he apologized. Now im not saying he should go to prison, but to say it was innocent, a mistake etc is wrong unless you want to completely disregard what the OP said and make up your own version.
    I've run out of rep for you. (Haha I originally typed "rep" as "rape"...)

    Stop making stuff up in order to justify the OP's boyfriend's actions, seriously.
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    (Original post by wildbluesun)
    I've run out of rep for you. (Haha I originally typed "rep" as "rape"...)

    Stop making stuff up in order to justify the OP's boyfriend's actions, seriously.
    thank you

    I swear rape questions are the only ones on here where people start making up their own versions of what happened.

    If a someone came on and asked about being mugged, no one would question anything the OP said
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    (Original post by kunoichi)
    I dont know if i would call that sexual abuse but it isnt right and you shouldnt have felt pressurized into it.

    It would be nice to have some more details from the OP, but without them we cant assume anything other than what she has said.
    Even the boyfriend realised something he did was wrong as he apologized. Now im not saying he should go to prison, but to say it was innocent, a mistake etc is wrong unless you want to completely disregard what the OP said and make up your own version.
    I disagree. And I think we're going to stay disagreed. Around sexual issues there is so much stigma, so much blame and victim making it's astonishing to me. 'Oh, what he did was bad! You were abused! You're damaged! It must have been horrible! You poor, poor thing!' If that person didn't already feel bad, damaged and like a victim, they sure as hell will now.

    And you all assumed he used force, you all assumed he was a rapist, you all assumed he willing sexually assaulted his GF. I'm pretty sure I'm not the one making the worst assumptions here. Like I said, it was aparantly a one time incident, she continued to have a relationship with him afterwards and there is no mention of force beyond 'He made me carry on,' I've been made to do dishes, made to do homework, made to pcik things up from the shop for a GF, none of them involved physical force or anything that would constitute force. You assume 'made' is something that would turn the BF into a criminal. You are making all the worst assumptions here, not I.

    As for my situation, yes she knew I wanted to stop, could I have stopped? Yes, as I imagine the OP could have. Without definition or clarification of 'made' assuming force is just that, assuming. As everyone who called the BF of the OP a rapist did.

    And I have to totally disagree with your last paragraph. During sex, I've been a bit rough, afterwards the girl said something, and I apologised, at the time I didn't realise, it wasn't made clear. It could have been made clear, it wasn't, everyone is at fault. I've had GFs do things both sexually, and just generally that were wrong, that they should or could have known were not wanted, but once they realised, they apologised. To imply that it makes them criminal an awful person etc is madness, and it's highly symptomatic of the highly reactionary, overly emotional bias you get from certain kinds of people over sexual issues.

    Taking a little responsibility goes a long way.
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    Has someone been watching to much Hollyoaks......
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    (Original post by kunoichi)
    No it isnt and i dont think you get my point. I get what your saying though.

    Even a rape by your boyfriend can be as traumatic as a stranger rape. This is why it is still serious and why the police would treat it seriously if it could be proved it happened and she wanted to go to the police.

    Punching you in the nose is not a bodily intrusion, it would traumatise you in a different way and thats the reason they are given different sentences and called different crimes. It also carries with it no risk of pregnancy or STD transmission, another thing which causes rape to be taken so seriously.
    However the attack could make you afraid to leave the house, could make you feel like you did something wrong or whatever.

    Depends on how fragile someones mind is really and what coping mechanisms they have, for some person they wouldnt of thought of it too much bar they didnt like it and it was wrong, another would go to police and say they were raped, where with the person who was punched it may destroy them or they may ignore it, they could of been a confident person with no worries and that gave them a reality check and changed their life or it may have been nothing.

    If a girl said she didnt like something I may either stop instantly depending on what we were doing, i.e if we did anal for the first time and she said no I would stop, if it was something we did regularly I would think shes just not in the mood but I would stop but less instant and more a second or two later to ensure it wasnt just a impulse thought.

    I hate rapists, I hate any sort of predator really

    I respect your opinion though I just have a different view and dislike how mine is challenged in such a way and just wish it wasnt worse case scenario.
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    (Original post by Steevee)
    I disagree. And I think we're going to stay disagreed. Around sexual issues there is so much stigma, so much blame and victim making it's astonishing to me. 'Oh, what he did was bad! You were abused! You're damaged! It must have been horrible! You poor, poor thing!' If that person didn't already feel bad, damaged and like a victim, they sure as hell will now.


    And you all assumed he used force, you all assumed he was a rapist, you all assumed he willing sexually assaulted his GF. I'm pretty sure I'm not the one making the worst assumptions here. Like I said, it was aparantly a one time incident, she continued to have a relationship with him afterwards and there is no mention of force beyond 'He made me carry on,' I've been made to do dishes, made to do homework, made to pcik things up from the shop for a GF, none of them involved physical force or anything that would constitute force. You assume 'made' is something that would turn the BF into a criminal. You are making all the worst assumptions here, not I.

    Except making someone continue a sexual act after they have said no is a criminal offence which you seem to have forgotten, even if it didnt involve physical force it then very likely comes under sexual coercion

    As for my situation, yes she knew I wanted to stop, could I have stopped? Yes, as I imagine the OP could have. Without definition or clarification of 'made' assuming force is just that, assuming. As everyone who called the BF of the OP a rapist did.

    And I have to totally disagree with your last paragraph. During sex, I've been a bit rough, afterwards the girl said something, and I apologised, at the time I didn't realise, it wasn't made clear. It could have been made clear, it wasn't, everyone is at fault. I've had GFs do things both sexually, and just generally that were wrong, that they should or could have known were not wanted, but once they realised, they apologised. To imply that it makes them criminal an awful person etc is madness, and it's highly symptomatic of the highly reactionary, overly emotional bias you get from certain kinds of people over sexual issues.

    Taking a little responsibility goes a long way.
    I agree that sometimes in the moment things can get ignored, however when someone is making it extremely obvious that they want to stop, especially verbally (like Op) then i dont feel that there is any good reason why someone would carry on.
    After that if they are emotionally pushed into it, then it becomes coercion, if they are physically forced into it then it becomes assault. That is not overly emotional bias, that is the law.
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    (Original post by drbluebox)

    If a girl said she didnt like something I may either stop instantly depending on what we were doing, i.e if we did anal for the first time and she said no I would stop, if it was something we did regularly I would think shes just not in the mood but I would stop but less instant and more a second or two later to ensure it wasnt just a impulse thought.

    See thats ok, its when someone just ignores and carries on for ages that it becomes an issue. You just have to remember you are inside someone, if sex starts hurting for a girl for example, the pain from the inside if it hurts can be incredibly painful (this is the main reason why i have had to stop sex in the past, so if the guy took his time stopping you can see why i would be pissed off )

    I hate rapists, I hate any sort of predator really

    I respect your opinion though I just have a different view and dislike how mine is challenged in such a way and just wish it wasnt worse case scenario.
    Same, i can see where you are coming from. Guess we may just have to agree to disagree
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    (Original post by kunoichi)
    I agree that sometimes in the moment things can get ignored, however when someone is making it extremely obvious that they want to stop, especially verbally (like Op) then i dont feel that there is any good reason why someone would carry on.
    After that if they are emotionally pushed into it, then it becomes coercion, if they are physically forced into it then it becomes assault. That is not overly emotional bias, that is the law.
    The letter of the law isn't always the issue to be honest. The letter of the law makes many people criminals everyday, when they most clearly are not.

    And again, you are assuming that the OP made it very clear, we haven't had the situation described to us. Every assumption you accuse me of making, you are equally making, just in favour of the OP.
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    (Original post by Steevee)
    The letter of the law isn't always the issue to be honest. The letter of the law makes many people criminals everyday, when they most clearly are not.

    And again, you are assuming that the OP made it very clear, we haven't had the situation described to us. Every assumption you accuse me of making, you are equally making, just in favour of the OP.
    I havent assumed anything there, she said she asked him to stop so actually yes she did make it obvious verbally.

    There is a slight difference between say, parking on double yellows quickly, or continuing to penetrate someone after they have asked you to stop. One of those can be very harmful to someone mentally and physically, the other unlikely to bother many people and certaintly not harm them.
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    (Original post by kunoichi)
    I havent assumed anything there, she said she asked him to stop so actually yes she did make it obvious verbally.

    There is a slight difference between say, parking on double yellows quickly, or continuing to penetrate someone after they have asked you to stop. One of those can be very harmful to someone mentally and physically, the other unlikely to bother many people and certaintly not harm them.
    Depends on how you're defining clear. 'Babe, my neck aches' could be all she said, we don't know, you are assuming.

    So in every instance where someone doesn't follow the exact letter of the law perfectly in sexual action that's a crime to you? Jesus, I feel sorry for anyone foolish enough to sleep with you.
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    (Original post by Steevee)
    Depends on how you're defining clear. 'Babe, my neck aches' could be all she said, we don't know, you are assuming.

    So in every instance where someone doesn't follow the exact letter of the law perfectly in sexual action that's a crime to you? Jesus, I feel sorry for anyone foolish enough to sleep with you.
    'after saying that I no longer wanted to'

    Seems pretty clear to me

    I feel sorry for any girl that sleep with a couple of you on here, not knowing, that you wouldnt find it necessary to stop performing a sexual act if you were asked to discontinue. I think thats a highly worrying mindset for some of you to have.

    I dont see how expecting someone to stop when you tell them to is wrong in any way. I can understand taking a minute to get out or not noticing if the person isnt really strongly or verbally protesting, but If you are asked to stop you do not have any excuse not to stop.
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    (Original post by kunoichi)
    'after saying that I no longer wanted to'

    Seems pretty clear to me

    I feel sorry for any girl that sleep with a couple of you on here, not knowing, that you wouldnt find it necessary to stop performing a sexual act if you were asked to discontinue. I think thats a highly worrying mindset for some of you to have.

    I dont see how expecting someone to stop when you tell them to is wrong in any way. I can understand taking a minute to get out or not noticing if the person isnt really strongly or verbally protesting, but If you are asked to stop you do not have any excuse not to stop.
    Do you not understand what I just pointed out? There's no way you can possibly know how clear she was, and it's just as likely she wasn't all that clear.

    That's not what I've said, and you know that, but nice job trying to misrepresent what I've been saying.
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    (Original post by Steevee)
    Do you not understand what I just pointed out? There's no way you can possibly know how clear she was, and it's just as likely she wasn't all that clear.


    That's not what I've said, and you know that, but nice job trying to misrepresent what I've been saying.
    Im keeping my judgement of what was likely said as close to what was said in the OP, but if you want to stray as far from that as you can, then fair enough.
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    (Original post by kunoichi)
    Im keeping my judgement of what was likely said as close to what was said in the OP, but if you want to stray as far from that as you can, then fair enough.
    But you're not, you're doing the typical overly-emotional 'he must be in the wrong!' style of thing.

    She said she didn't want to and he made her. On it's own it sounds bad. But in the context of, afterwards he apologised, she continued having a relationship with him, still wants one with him but has decided that he 'used' her because he didn't want the same.

    No, it doesn't sound at all like he's a rapist. But hey, you go on ahead and assume every guy ever accused of anything is a rapist, your sort normally do :rolleyes:
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    Bro's before hoe's.

    Tell her about it.
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    (Original post by Steevee)
    But you're not, you're doing the typical overly-emotional 'he must be in the wrong!' style of thing.

    She said she didn't want to and he made her. On it's own it sounds bad. But in the context of, afterwards he apologised, she continued having a relationship with him, still wants one with him but has decided that he 'used' her because he didn't want the same.

    No, it doesn't sound at all like he's a rapist. But hey, you go on ahead and assume every guy ever accused of anything is a rapist, your sort normally do :rolleyes:
    Im sure plenty of people who hit and rape their partners apologise, it obviously doesnt make them innocent of anything again. And by your logic if a person only commits rape/sexual assault once, then they arent a rapist or in the wrong because of the amount it happened.

    My point was im trying to say she said something along the lines of 'I want to stop now', which is pretty much what she wrote, you are trying to say she said something along the lines of 'my neck hurts, babe, can we stop'. which is inventing facts and taking it far away from anything she actually said.

    Maybe you should address what she actually said rather than addressing a completely different situation youve invented in your head?
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    (Original post by kunoichi)
    Im sure plenty of people who hit and rape their partners apologise, it obviously doesnt make them innocent of anything again. And by your logic if a person only commits rape/sexual assault once, then they arent a rapist or in the wrong because of the amount it happened.

    My point was im trying to say she said something along the lines of 'I want to stop now', which is pretty much what she wrote, you are trying to say she said something along the lines of 'my neck hurts, babe, can we stop'. which is inventing facts and taking it far away from anything she actually said.

    Maybe you should address what she actually said rather than addressing a completely different situation youve invented in your head?
    The issue being of course, if it is sexual assault or rape, which you seem to want it to be, but which there is no indication there is.

    The honest fact of the matter is, neither of us have the facts of the situation. You clearly want him to be a rapist, and in my opinion he should have the benefit of the doubt. Shall we agree to disagree, as this is going nowhere.
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    I wonder if any of the idiots on here claiming that non consensual oral sex isn't rape/wrong/traumatic have ever had a penis involuntary stuck down their throat? Considering most seem to be men with low opinions of women I'd say probably not...
 
 
 
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