Ask Me Anything: I am polyamorous Watch

MancBoy
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#61
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Do you think one day there is going to be so much pent up jealousy that this may not work? Sure the idea of it seems exciting now but what about years down the line? This type of thing will never leave the mind.
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Anonymous #1
#62
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(Original post by Hanvyj)
Interesting thread. This one kind of half answered mine.

You mentioned you are not 'out' to your parents, but you are to your siblings. What about other people? Work colleagues etc? Would you mention that you were if it came up in conversation or are you guarded about it?

Have you faced any discrimination or similar because of it?
I'm pretty guarded about coming out to work colleagues. Funnily enough though, people at work have talked about it before, several times.

It would really depend who is it and if I trusted them. Kind of on a person by person basis. At some point I imagine everyone in my life will know but right now I like to be able to control who knows what.

I haven't really faced any discrimination because of it because I'm not openly 'out'. The worst I've had is rumours that I'm a cheat (which is hurtful as I'm a very honest person) . I've also had people just cut me off and stop speaking to me...kind of like poly is catching or something I guess. Like if I'm talking to a guy and I mention it, it's common for them to walk away or if it's online block me. The thing is, if you are monogamous then that's fine. If you are monogamous and don't want to be romantically involved with me then that's fine too, but don't be rude about it. I'm the type who is quite chatty with everyone and I like meeting new people and making friends, so being cut off abruptly is still strange to me.
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Splenge007
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#63
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have you ever slept with someone and thought "this person is better than my primary partner"?

If that every happened, what do you do?
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by aaasss)
What if you start dating someone else and end up loving them so much that you want to have children with them and put them above everyone else instead of your primary?
Well, if I was deeply committed to my primary and I developed strong feeling for someone else it could go one of a few ways...

1. break things off with the new partner out of respect for the relationship with the primary.

2. Have two primaries (some people will close their relationship off at this point and practice 'polyfidelity' that is committed to more than one person)

3. Break things off with the primary for the new person.

To me, three is very unlikely to ever happen in my situation as you don't just get instant feelings for a new person that would over take a primary, feelings develop over time.

If I got to the point where I was having children, because I only want to have children with one person, I would enter a period of monogamy with that person to have some time to grow and deepen our relationship.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Splenge007)
have you ever slept with someone and thought "this person is better than my primary partner"?

If that every happened, what do you do?
No, never. First time sex with a person is usually awkward I find. I would much rather have sex with my primary who has known me for years and who I know everything about. I'm lucky that we've never had a dull sex life and to be honest, knowing exactly what your partner likes is always sexier than a different bedroom move.
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Anonymous #1
#66
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(Original post by MancBoy)
Do you think one day there is going to be so much pent up jealousy that this may not work? Sure the idea of it seems exciting now but what about years down the line? This type of thing will never leave the mind.
I think for some people, yes. I'm sure there are plenty of failed poly relationships out there.

I was in a monogamous relationship once where the other person cheated. I remember being hurt and angry and just so many emotions. Why? Because they were with another woman? No. Because they had lied to me about it and hadn't told me. That was kind of a 'bingo' moment for me in realising I just didn't feel the same as most people.

Any jealously that does come up are usually much smaller issues and we just talk them through at the time. It sounds tedious, but it really works. Most relationships, monogamous or polyamorous, break down due to communication issues.
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aaasss
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#67
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(Original post by Anonymous)
To me, three is very unlikely to ever happen in my situation as you don't just get instant feelings for a new person that would over take a primary, feelings develop over time.
But surely by dating someone you are allowing feelings to develop into something stronger? Or does this not always happen to you? I know that I personally would always end up eventually wanting to commit to someone I was in a relationship with and it is the potential that the relationship might go somewhere that makes it exciting.

Do you think that maybe the difference between poly and mono people is that poly people are able to love someone romantically without falling in love with them? By being in love I mean putting them above anyone else and wanting to commit to them, something that you can't do for more than one person at once.
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Ham22
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#68
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(Original post by mrjoshua88)
Interesting thread. I have been kind of polyamorous for a while without any real intention or drive to be so. I've just always felt that the inclination to be bound emotionally and physically to a singular person is merely a product of societal conditioning, to me it just makes little sense that humans, as socially and psychologically complex creatures would choose to limit their potential for growth, psychologically, sexually and emotionally, by restricting themselves to 'the one' that they trick themselves into believing is perfect for them. Of the billions of people in the world, the odds are that there will always be someone better suited to your personal idiosyncrasies and unique foibles.

That's my take on relationships. Being that I find marriage archaic and pointless, I can't really comment on how marriage and offspring would fit into the equation.
It makes sense in that it's the best conditions for raising children. I'd like to see how a society that encourages this behaviour fares long term.
I think this thread is ridiculous. This isn't an orientation, it's just selfishness and failure to commit. And to put it alongside homosexuality etc is also ridiculous. Op, this is not an orientation and you don't deserve a special status with special protections like homosexuality does. You're not getting it from me. Do you cosy up to people already in other relationships? And then pout when these people and their partners are not 'open minded'?
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superwolf
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#69
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(Original post by Ham22)
It makes sense in that it's the best conditions for raising children. I'd like to see how a society that encourages this behaviour fares long term.
I think this thread is ridiculous. This isn't an orientation, it's just selfishness and failure to commit. And to put it alongside homosexuality etc is also ridiculous. Op, this is not an orientation and you don't deserve a special status with special protections like homosexuality does. You're not getting it from me. Do you cosy up to people already in other relationships? And then pout when these people and their partners are not 'open minded'?
Do you go around telling perfectly happy people that they're selfish failures because they fail to live up to your perfectly arbitrary standards? Yes? Then I suggest you go live with the Amish.

Honestly, though, you're just being plain rude to a person who's having a go at explaining her way of thinking. Can you justify yourself?
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Hanvyj
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#70
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(Original post by Ham22)
It makes sense in that it's the best conditions for raising children.
Why?

(Original post by Ham22)
I'd like to see how a society that encourages this behaviour fares long term.
What do you think will happen?

(Original post by Ham22)
I think this thread is ridiculous. This isn't an orientation, it's just selfishness and failure to commit. And to put it alongside homosexuality etc is also ridiculous. Op, this is not an orientation and you don't deserve a special status with special protections like homosexuality does. You're not getting it from me.
Why do homosexual people deserve 'special protections', what are these protections? Why is this thread ridiculous if this ISN'T an orientation, which I'm not even sure anyone has claimed! I certainly don't think anyone is asking anything from you.

Why is this different from a "Ask me anything: I like BDSM" thread, would that be pointless because liking BDSM isn't an orientation?

(Original post by Ham22)
Do you cosy up to people already in other relationships? And then pout when these people and their partners are not 'open minded'?
Cosy up? You make it sound like OP is running around shouting at people in relationships and sneakily trying to woo them away from their partners out of spite or something...

Do BDSM people cosy up to others and then try tie them up and complain they aren't 'open minded' if they aren't interested? What a stupid question.

You are being astonishingly rude and offensive because someone doesn't live a way you do. Go away.
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superwolf
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#71
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(Original post by Hanvyj)
Do BDSM people cosy up to others and then try tie them up and complain they aren't 'open minded'? What a stupid question.
Only on weekends. :ninja: :whip: :sexface:
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Kazbian
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#72
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This is interesting. I can't ever imagine it working for me, but as long as it works for you, that's the important thing. I can imagine it being very difficult to live in a society where the norm is to be monogamous. I suppose many people just cannot wrap their head around poly relationships, which is why they receive so much judgement. It's unfair really.

I'm not liking the sexual orientation comparisons. The only similarity I see is that being bisexual/gay is not what is considered the norm in society and that you don't choose to be straight/bi/gay in the same way that you don't choose to be mono/poly. (Note that I mean choosing to want that/be attracted to that; I don't mean choosing to be in those type of relationships - you do choose be in a mono/poly relationship in the same way you choose to be in an opposite-sex/same-sex relationship).

The reason I'm saying that is because of a previous commenter saying that bisexuals are usually poly. As a bisexual monogamous person, this stereotype is very frustrating. As soon as I come out as bisexual, people often assume I want to be in multiple relationships with men and women, and that I do not want to commit to one person. I'm not saying there is anything wrong at all with being poly (if I was poly, this wouldn't really be an issue as it would be true for me), just that sexual orientation and monogamy/polyamory are two very different things.

Anyway a question: What is your view on monogamous people? Do you wonder how we can only commit to one person? The thought of committing to more than one person to me personally feels very bizarre and nearly impossible. Do you feel the same way about monogamous relationships for you?
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CountvonCount
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#73
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Is your boyfriend genuinely committed to polyamory or do you feel that you pressured him into it? I mean has he actually ever had another partner and how did you feel when he took his first steps into it?

Also, what do you get from these other relationships that's missing from your primary relationship?
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GR3YFOXXX
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#74
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(Original post by CountvonCount)
Is your boyfriend genuinely committed to polyamory or do you feel that you pressured him into it? I mean has he actually ever had another partner and how did you feel when he took his first steps into it?

Also, what do you get from these other relationships that's missing from your primary relationship?
Great question. I was just about to ask this!
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Hanvyj
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(Original post by CountvonCount)
Also, what do you get from these other relationships that's missing from your primary relationship?
I'm not polly-anything, but why do you have to be getting something you are missing?

If you have a child and love them, and decide to have another child - what do you get from the second child you are missing from your first?

Nothing, you just have more love, which isn't bad, because you now have two children to love.
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Anonymous #3
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(Original post by Ham22)
It makes sense in that it's the best conditions for raising children. I'd like to see how a society that encourages this behaviour fares long term.
I think this thread is ridiculous. This isn't an orientation, it's just selfishness and failure to commit. And to put it alongside homosexuality etc is also ridiculous. Op, this is not an orientation and you don't deserve a special status with special protections like homosexuality does. You're not getting it from me. Do you cosy up to people already in other relationships? And then pout when these people and their partners are not 'open minded'?
Totally agree
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CountvonCount
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#77
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(Original post by Hanvyj)
I'm not polly-anything, but why do you have to be getting something you are missing?

If you have a child and love them, and decide to have another child - what do you get from the second child you are missing from your first?

Nothing, you just have more love, which isn't bad, because you now have two children to love.
Except in the case of children having a second one doesn't leave the risk of dumping the first. Parents don't tend to actively express favouritism e.g. spending far more time with one child in favour of the other.

(This is just in reference to the OPs case) The point I was looking for is that if A enters a romantic relationship with B it's going to be because you have attracting personalities or out of convenience. If the relationship is solid for a period of time and A then starts to desire another partner it is because the existing relationship is missing something that it once had, they have become incompatible and shouldn't be together anyway or that the new guy is a better suited partner than B.
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jarasta
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#78
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(Original post by Anonymous)
The thing with poly, is that it is multiple love. I feel that I am capable of loving more than one person at one time without having feelings diminished for anyone else.

For instance, I love my partner. Now if I date someone and fall in love, I don't love my partner any less. I have just grown my capacity to love.

I personally have a primary relationship and that person is my priority and I am their priority. Which means that our relationship with each other always comes first.
So you love your Primary more than anyone of the other partners?
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jarasta
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(Original post by Ellim)
I don't understand how people don't get this concept. They have no trouble accepting that a person's love for their child doesn't diminish if another child is born, or love their siblings or friends regardless of the number without the 'level' of love being affected - but not for partners.

Can I ask: were you in a committed, monogamous relationship when you initially raised this issue? How did your (then) partner react?

Also, how did your family and friends react at first?
you can argue that the love I have for my child or sibling is not the same love I have for a romantic partner. The fact that some people aren't capable of multiple love can be seen maybe in the cases were people fall in love with someone else, then fall out of love with their current lover.
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danny111
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So you have a primary guy but you like bits on the side?

Tbh it sounds just like an excuse, you want to shag around and so you call it this to make it seem ok rather than "cheating".
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