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    Wait, does everyone agree she's bettering and I'm not?
    Doesn't that mean that she is better than me?

    In which case I need to improve now (everything)
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Sorry I'm trying to listen, I'll be seeing my counsellor tomorrow
    I must have some trust issues
    Don't apologise - if dealing with self-esteem issues was easy nobody would have any. That's great to hear you've got a counsellor, I hope that will be helpful in sorting these problems out.
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    (Original post by Lotus_Eater)
    Don't apologise - if dealing with self-esteem issues was easy nobody would have any. That's great to hear you've got a counsellor, I hope that will be helpful in sorting these problems out.
    Thanks-but everyone agrees I need to improve or she's going to leave me. Which means I'm lacking and all this self-esteem crap is getting me nowhere
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    Do you actually think she's a nice person? The fact you think she'd dump you for someone "of higher value" implies you think she's a bit of a *****, I mean would you dump her if you had a chance with someone "of higher value"? Human feelings don't work like that, attraction isn't some empirical value, it's emotional. If you're in a happy and fulfilling relationship, you don't think "hmm, that person is a better mate than my current partner, I'll leave them for this new person".
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    (Original post by Mankytoes)
    Do you actually think she's a nice person? The fact you think she'd dump you for someone "of higher value" implies you think she's a bit of a *****, I mean would you dump her if you had a chance with someone "of higher value"? Human feelings don't work like that, attraction isn't some empirical value, it's emotional. If you're in a happy and fulfilling relationship, you don't think "hmm, that person is a better mate than my current partner, I'll leave them for this new person".
    No I wouldn't. She's practically perfect. I've rarely even considered having intimate relationship with someone else because I'm not quick to trust people (says he who confesses eveything to randomers on TSR :rolleyes:)

    It doesn't really, she's lovely. It's more the fact I think she was more attracted to me to start with when there's a sense of mystery about me, and now I\'m no challenge. (I'm not good at being challenging) and she's basically sticking around because I'll make her feel better about herself, rather than she's actually attracted to me

    How does it imply she's a bit of a itch? Doesn't it just imply that I'm kind of a loser? (I don't like how superficial the world is, but oh god I've become blindingly cynical and depressed haven't I?0


    let's be honest how many women get bored of their 'nice' but boring boyfriends and leave him for a rockstar/model/athlete/superhero? Hence why I get so jealous about this 'Superman' guy

    And this isn't an attack on women, it's implying most men are boring and I think I'm falling into that category.
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    Such a mentality will eventually drive her away, unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.
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    (Original post by Riku)
    No I wouldn't. She's practically perfect. I've rarely even considered having intimate relationship with someone else because I'm not quick to trust people (says he who confesses eveything to randomers on TSR :rolleyes:)

    It doesn't really, she's lovely. It's more the fact I think she was more attracted to me to start with when there's a sense of mystery about me, and now I\'m no challenge. (I'm not good at being challenging) and she's basically sticking around because I'll make her feel better about herself, rather than she's actually attracted to me

    How does it imply she's a bit of a itch? Doesn't it just imply that I'm kind of a loser? (I don't like how superficial the world is, but oh god I've become blindingly cynical and depressed haven't I?

    let's be honest how many women get bored of their 'nice' but boring boyfriends and leave him for a rockstar/model/athlete/superhero? Hence why I get so jealous about this 'Superman' guy

    And this isn't an attack on women, it's implying most men are boring and I think I'm falling into that category.
    Surely in any relationship the mystery can't last that long? The only legitimate reason you've given for her to be put off you, in circular fashion, is your insecurity.

    Your attitude is pretty lame, but the reasons you give are pretty weak. Who leaves their partner for not doing enough extra activities? You're doing a degree, that's better than loads of young people, myself included, who are unemployed.

    I dunno, not that many? How many guys actually fit that mould? I said in another thread that her telling you about "Superman" seems to be playing on your insecurities, especially if she's aware of them. It's odd that having a great girlfriend hasn't helped your confidence, it's done loads for mine.

    If most men are boring, surely that implies being boring isn't a huge problem, as most men have successful relationships?
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    (Original post by Mankytoes)
    Surely in any relationship the mystery can't last that long? The only legitimate reason you've given for her to be put off you, in circular fashion, is your insecurity.

    Your attitude is pretty lame, but the reasons you give are pretty weak. Who leaves their partner for not doing enough extra activities? You're doing a degree, that's better than loads of young people, myself included, who are unemployed.

    I dunno, not that many? How many guys actually fit that mould? I said in another thread that her telling you about "Superman" seems to be playing on your insecurities, especially if she's aware of them. It's odd that having a great girlfriend hasn't helped your confidence, it's done loads for mine.

    If most men are boring, surely that implies being boring isn't a huge problem, as most men have successful relationships?
    It has helped my confidence but how am I supposed to compete with Superman? :P
    I feel like I'm the person she'd turn to for emotional support; he's the guy she'd go to for fun. This could be an ill-founded belief though
    N.B. She is not friends with the actual Man of Steel nor a gy of simialr proportions, so my dad reckons it could be 'just a ****ing nickname' [his words]

    How is my attitude lame?
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    (Original post by Riku)
    It has helped my confidence but how am I supposed to compete with Superman? :P
    I feel like I'm the person she'd turn to for emotional support; he's the guy she'd go to for fun. This could be an ill-founded belief though
    N.B. She is not friends with the actual Man of Steel nor a gy of simialr proportions, so my dad reckons it could be 'just a ****ing nickname' [his words]

    How is my attitude lame?
    Your attitude is lame because you're always putting yourself down and saying she's better than you. Your lack of confidence will be unattractive to women.

    Do you not have fun with her then?
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Perhaps I do need to improve. I've always felt I need to improve though, and it seems like that's one of the big things men are taught. If you are not the best, you'll be eaten by someone else higher up the food chain in whatever way. Life is intensely competitive and I hate it. I struggle to trust because I think everyone's just trying to snag the best they can off people

    I still feel a bit insecure about her best other male friend. I'm sure he's a sound guy but his nickname 'Superman' ribs me, a lot. I keep reading lots of double entendres into it, and he comes up quite a bit in conversation (because naturally as they're in the same class, she spends a lot of time with him)

    That and the fact she has male friends, I don't have any close female friends, again reminds me she has options and I don't.
    I don't like the fact she has all the power, I'd like it to be more equal
    I honestly think that's your own [skewed] perception of things, and not based on anything material. You have a very shallow view of the world which I don't think is entirely right.
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    (Original post by Riku)
    It has helped my confidence but how am I supposed to compete with Superman? :P
    I feel like I'm the person she'd turn to for emotional support; he's the guy she'd go to for fun. This could be an ill-founded belief though
    N.B. She is not friends with the actual Man of Steel nor a gy of simialr proportions, so my dad reckons it could be 'just a ****ing nickname' [his words]

    How is my attitude lame?
    My (now ex) girlfriend and I split up a couple of days ago. Basically she said that she "preferred us being friends" and that she didn't love me anymore. However, she simultaneously started talking to a rugby player who works very close to her accommodation. So, like here, she wants me for emotional support (ie she wants us to be best friends) but she clearly wants to be in a relationship with this guy and have fun with him.

    I know that's not what you want to hear, but that's just what happened to me. The best you can do is keep her happy for as long as you can and if she decides that she doesn't want to be with you anymore... well you deal with that when you get there! But you never know, her talking to all of these new people might make her realise how important you are to her and she might stick around . You're gonna have to play this out and see how things go. Good luck!
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    (Original post by Rascacielos)
    I honestly think that's your own [skewed] perception of things, and not based on anything material. You have a very shallow view of the world which I don't think is entirely right.
    Very possibly. I'll bear in mind I'm maybe being far too cynical

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My (now ex) girlfriend and I split up a couple of days ago. Basically she said that she "preferred us being friends" and that she didn't love me anymore. However, she simultaneously started talking to a rugby player who works very close to her accommodation. So, like here, she wants me for emotional support (ie she wants us to be best friends) but she clearly wants to be in a relationship with this guy and have fun with him.

    I know that's not what you want to hear, but that's just what happened to me. The best you can do is keep her happy for as long as you can and if she decides that she doesn't want to be with you anymore... well you deal with that when you get there! But you never know, her talking to all of these new people might make her realise how important you are to her and she might stick around . You're gonna have to play this out and see how things go. Good luck!
    Thanks man
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Because I would need to considerably improve for her if I were to stll be her equal. For example, get a managerial position, or a six-pack, or make myself a super popular guy. And if I don't improve, it would be natural and logical (certainly from an evolutionary perspective) to 'upgrade' her partner i.e. be done with me.
    It's not that we should be exactly the same but we should be shooting in roughly the same league
    Either that or I buck up and start working on improving myself bigtime, although my whole life has been about improving myself lol

    (not sure when I conformed to this notion of a social hierarchy)
    What exactly is wrong with this idea again?
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    (Original post by WaceMindu)
    What exactly is wrong with this idea again?
    There needs to be a balance between striving for progress and self-'improvement', and self-acceptance as you are, without which you will never be truly happy, always worried about the future, never feeling truly secure or in the moment.
    Also I've set my goalposts too high, as I get annoyed that Superman gets laid because he can leap tall buildings in a single bound and I can't, so I won't. Sounds stupid but it's true :P

    Also you've just implied she is better than me, which is also a recipe for self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy, and as someone else said, a somewhat shallow way of viewing the world
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    (Original post by Riku)
    There needs to be a balance between striving for progress and self-'improvement', and self-acceptance as you are, without which you will never be truly happy, always worried about the future, never feeling truly secure or in the moment.
    Also I've set my goalposts too high, as I get annoyed that Superman gets laid because he can leap tall buildings in a single bound and I can't, so I won't. Sounds stupid but it's true :P

    Also you've just implied she is better than me, which is also a recipe for self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy, and as someone else said, a somewhat shallow way of viewing the world
    Look you can believe all that self acceptance stuff if you like but don't try to make it sound logical and as an excuse to make you feel better about your situation... that will just get you nowhere.
    You said yourself that you're worried that your girlfriend is going to get tired of you and want someone better than you.
    Now if that is the case then you have two options, either do as you're doing and be happy with yourself as you are and risk her leaving you, commendable and if that's what you want to do I'm not one to judge, but then don't go and ***** about "oh what can I do" yadda yadda yadda when you're refusing to do the most blindingly obvious action that would avoid her "getting tired of you".

    Your second option is to fight for her and either make yourself "up to her league" or drag her back down to your level... the latter making you an ******* so obviously you're not going to do that.
    Self improvement doesn't have to be bad or make you miserable at all and if you talk to your girlfriend about it she can even support and help you, hell simply making an effort may even be enough in her eyes.

    I just don't see what the quandary is here... pick a side of the field and stick to it and don't try to have your cake and eat it.
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    (Original post by WaceMindu)
    Look you can believe all that self acceptance stuff if you like but don't try to make it sound logical and as an excuse to make you feel better about your situation... that will just get you nowhere.
    You said yourself that you're worried that your girlfriend is going to get tired of you and want someone better than you.
    Now if that is the case then you have two options, either do as you're doing and be happy with yourself as you are and risk her leaving you, commendable and if that's what you want to do I'm not one to judge, but then don't go and ***** about "oh what can I do" yadda yadda yadda when you're refusing to do the most blindingly obvious action that would avoid her "getting tired of you".

    Your second option is to fight for her and either make yourself "up to her league" or drag her back down to your level... the latter making you an ******* so obviously you're not going to do that.
    Self improvement doesn't have to be bad or make you miserable at all and if you talk to your girlfriend about it she can even support and help you, hell simply making an effort may even be enough in her eyes.

    I just don't see what the quandary is here... pick a side of the field and stick to it and don't try to have your cake and eat it.
    Point taken mate, but it'd be under the notion that 'if I don't reach X, she's going to leave me', even when that's not true. I explicitly said self-improvement in various areas isn't a bad thing but (I even made a thread about it) if it's under the notion that until you're that you can never be happy with yourself, it's not healthy.
    'drag her back down to your level'...what are you trying to say?!

    I think the recurring theme of this thread is that I'm not a person without value, I think I am, or did or whatever. There's barely any evidence to sugest she wants to leave anytime soon bar my own paranoia.
    Anyway I clearly wasn't well when I wrote this so don't worry about it :P


    (Original post by tomtjl)
    You are correct, saying that there needs to be a balance between improvement and acceptance. That's why you set a goal for yourself. For example, you say that you're going to go to the gym 3 times a week and in the next 6 months you are going to look a hell of a lot better. Then, within this 6 month plan, you set miniature goals for yourself. If you're overweight, try to say you'll lose 1% bodyfat by this date, or something like that. That way you are trying to improve yourself, but when you finally get to how you want to be you're not saying that you're not strong enough or whatever because you've achieved what you set out to.

    That's what I'm doing .
    Thanks man. Got my goals just need to try and stick to them deliberately trying not to make mine bf% related or even fitness-related
    Good luck!
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Point taken mate, but it'd be under the notion that 'if I don't reach X, she's going to leave me', even when that's not true. I explicitly said self-improvement in various areas isn't a bad thing but (I even made a thread about it) if it's under the notion that until you're that you can never be happy with yourself, it's not healthy.
    'drag her back down to your level'...what are you trying to say?!

    I think the recurring theme of this thread is that I'm not a person without value, I think I am, or did or whatever. There's barely any evidence to sugest she wants to leave anytime soon bar my own paranoia.
    Anyway I clearly wasn't well when I wrote this so don't worry about it :P




    Thanks man. Got my goals just need to try and stick to them deliberately trying not to make mine bf% related or even fitness-related
    Good luck!
    Fitness related goals can be good too! Just don't get into the mentality that you stated before, "if I don't reach X she'll leave me", because that's not true . You want to reach X because you want to better yourself, and once you reach X you'll be happy with what you've achieved! Then you work yourself towards Y, because you know that you'll be happier at Y, then Z etc. When you reach your final goal you can celebrate wildly .
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    (Original post by Riku)
    Because I would need to considerably improve for her if I were to stll be her equal. For example, get a managerial position, or a six-pack, or make myself a super popular guy. And if I don't improve, it would be natural and logical (certainly from an evolutionary perspective) to 'upgrade' her partner i.e. be done with me.
    It's not that we should be exactly the same but we should be shooting in roughly the same league
    Either that or I buck up and start working on improving myself bigtime, although my whole life has been about improving myself lol

    (not sure when I conformed to this notion of a social hierarchy)
    No matter where me and my boyfriend end up with our careers, friendships, appearances, I will always love him and want to be with him.

    We are worlds apart, but connected. It's sweet, but sad you think you have to become "better" for her. She should love you for you, and always for you.
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    (Original post by lou_100)
    No matter where me and my boyfriend end up with our careers, friendships, appearances, I will always love him and want to be with him.

    We are worlds apart, but connected. It's sweet, but sad you think you have to become "better" for her. She should love you for you, and always for you.
    This is the lovely sentimental approach which I like to adopt and believe in...most men will say I'm gonna get dumped if I don't up my game, however. And already have.
    Unfortunately I've also heard of many people who have said the exact same thing but when push came to shove they were no longer attracted to them and the relationship went stale. Especially when young and hormonal.
    The basic problem is I'm too emotional to feel I fit in with men and yet I'm not (?) gay I just got laughed off the fitness thread for starting a lifting blog which didn't actually go anywhere due to my anxiety, for example.

    darn stereotypes
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    (Original post by tomtjl)
    Damn, posted anonymously by mistake .

    @OP - your girlfriend does love you for you, otherwise she wouldn't be with you . The fact that you want to better yourself should be independent of your girlfriend, yeah she will most likely benefit but you have to do these things for yourself, not for others . She must love you the way you are, or she wouldn't have gone out with you in the first place .
    This is again reassuring, cheers buddy

    Things I need to improve:

    1) My sleep pattern :P
    2) My work ethic
    3) Reducing the amount of time I spend on here
 
 
 
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