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He calls me fat, withholds sex and affection... Watch

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    (Original post by iEatMuFFiNS)
    I was approaching from a health perspective rather than a placate boyfriend perspective..


    Yes, you are right it is always best to just say what everyone else has already said. Shall i save myself self time and just plagiarize them or take a little more time and paraphrase?





    Hmm... She may be fine, then again maybe not. It's possible her b/f is calling her fat when she in fact is not, but given he has many other areas to attack it seems odd to pick the one that would be wholly untrue?

    As an addendum: women are usually pretty bad when it comes to obesity and less commonly anorexia and gauging what a normal body weight is. It may have even started with OP telling her b/f she's fat and then him using it against her. Either way weight is attitude towards weight is still an issue..
    Actually I said don't bother replying if you feel all advice had been given.

    Also let me ask you, have you ever been a victim of abuse? I can tell you picking on weight is a common thing.

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    (Original post by donutaud15)
    Actually I said don't bother replying if you feel all advice had been given.

    Also let me ask you, have you ever been a victim of abuse? I can tell you picking on weight is a common thing.

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    No, no you didn't lol. Here it is again:
    (Original post by donutaud15)
    If you don't want to say what everyone else have said then don't reply.
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    No i haven't, have you? I'd wager it depends on the type of abuse and therefore not as common as you make out..
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    (Original post by BarBaBaBaBarBaBaBa)
    Alright, well in that case say self-esteem is the cause in only some cases, not all. Because I can tell you for a fact, from my experience, that even the most confident girls can go through this.
    Yes, you're right, there could be other reasons, but people who appear confident on the outside don't necessarily have a healthy self-esteem. In fact a lot of people don't even realise they suffer from low self-esteem.
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    (Original post by iEatMuFFiNS)
    No, no you didn't lol. Here it is again:


    No i haven't, have you? I'd wager it depends on the type of abuse and therefore not as common as you make out..
    I know this is what I said:

    'If you don't want to say what everyone else have said then don't reply.'

    That pretty much means if you don't want to repeat the advices already given then don't bother replying. Quite simple.


    Regarding abuse, yes I have. The type of abuse I suffered was different from OP in terms of relationship. I've also been told through years of therapy that weight is a form of control for some people. It is common especially with girls because weight is a sensitive subject (whether they are normal size or not)

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    If I left again, I know he would message me and I would end up going back. Or I would become so lonely and go back anyway, as being virtually friendless has caused me to think its better to be in an unhappy relationship that just be alone. Does anyone have any advice, or is there anyone I can talk to who has experienced something similar
    Block his number and leave him. An unhappy relationship is worse than being alone, he's neglecting you, mentally abusing and according to you gets angry very quickly, what are the odds he'll get violent one day?

    You need to leave and build up your self-esteem, you're going back to him because you feel you can't do better, when anyone can. Do something you and only you enjoy, find something take makes you happy.
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    stop being a moron and leave him, seriously not that complicated.
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    Well he sounds like a right ****. Leave him.
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    Another one on the list that doesn't understand things like this. Person knows that their relationship is toxic. Stays anyway. Continues to complain. People are weird.
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    As people have said, leave him, change your number and find some friends. You may get lonely and yearn for him in the short term, but remember all the bad things he has done to you.
    He will probably say he's sorry and that he will change if you take him back- he won't, don't believe a word he says.
    Stay strong and look forwards, you'll find someone else, someone who knows how to treat you right and love you. This guy doesn't love you.
    I hope this has helped, it will all get a lot better but only if you leave him. None of this is your fault x

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    (Original post by donutaud15)
    I know this is what I said:

    'If you don't want to say what everyone else have said then don't reply.'

    That pretty much means if you don't want to repeat the advices already given then don't bother replying. Quite simple.


    Regarding abuse, yes I have. The type of abuse I suffered was different from OP in terms of relationship. I've also been told through years of therapy that weight is a form of control for some people. It is common especially with girls because weight is a sensitive subject (whether they are normal size or not)

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    If i don't want to repeat what everyone else has already said then i shouldn't bother replying??

    I find this to be so asinine that i'm going to consider it borderline abuse; that's how bizarre i find your statement that you said and standby..
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    You should use your hams and run away.
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    (Original post by iEatMuFFiNS)
    If i don't want to repeat what everyone else has already said then i shouldn't bother replying??

    I find this to be so asinine that i'm going to consider it borderline abuse; that's how bizarre i find your statement that you said and standby..


    This was what you said:

    'People have addressed the other problems already. Why am i an idiot for not going over ground already covered?'

    That was after you were told your advice was irrelevant.

    You're defending your advice that was perceived by some people as irrelevant purely because you don't want to repeat other's advice. That sounds silly to me. Hence the fact I'm saying maybe if you don't want to repeat what others have said then don't bother replying. Seems better than giving an advice that could potentially cause more issues.

    Anyway this is going in circles and frankly it's boring and out of topic so I won't bother replying again.


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    I've been avoiding this thread for a while because the thread title makes the answer so obvious but it looks like people are beating around the bush. You're being needy and insecure which are traits that make a person easily manipulated. On the one hand you hate the way he treats you, but on the other your need for something over nothing keeps you going back.

    People are telling you to dump him without acknowledging that you're with him for a reason. You're getting something out of this or else you would never have let it get this far and would have dumped his ass years ago. If I were to guess I'd say maybe you find his dominance attractive. You have to ask yourself why you let it get this far and what you feel you deserve as a person, because up until this point you seem to be happy giving this d-bag a blank cheque. You shouldn't be giving that to anyone, not even to a guy who treats you right.

    People are saying "dump him, dump him", but you can't just dump him - dumping him's not enough. Dumping him's the easy, superficial answer. The true answer is you need to grow some self-respect. Without self-respect you will go back. You need to know what your boundaries are so that you won't just roll over when someone walks all over them. Ask yourself what is the minimum you want in a man. Understand who you are and what you want because until you get a handle on this, this guy or any other will take you for a ride and kick you to the curb whenever and how ever often they feel like it.
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    (Original post by BarBaBaBaBarBaBaBa)
    I'm really confused by women like you who just choose to stay in obviously crappy relationships?! Just move on for crying out loud.


    It's a lot more complicated than that I'm afraid. In abusive relationships the abuser degrades you continuously until you feel like you are completely unworthy, you deserve to be treated as such (because it's your fault) and so you'll never find someone else. Because who would want you? They make you feel completely dependent on the abusive partner.

    Emotional abuse can really **** you up psychologically. And she really doesn't need people like you to judge her.
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    (Original post by iEatMuFFiNS)
    There are loads of ways to lose weight if you're really that big. The most effective will likely be a better diet, lots of water and regular exercise can all help with this.

    Wtf. Have you even read the OP?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I have been in an on/off tempestuous relationship for 4 years. The reason it is a rocky relationship is due to his anger, although he blames me for making him angry, and I have to admit sometimes I do think its my fault. He has a tendency to shout, although he says he is simply 'raising his voice', and he does this to his parents and me.

    It is things like, if I get a crumb on the floor, don't wear the clothes he likes, don't put something in the bin or drawer the minute I'm finished with it...he goes crazy and starts shouting at me, telling me that 'he shouldn't have to tell me twice' he will regularly swear at me in public, and tell me off if I do something 'wrong'. I have never had real relationship except him and I honestly believe that I am irritating and would get on anyones nerve. But then it changed, and he started to call me fat and make comments about my body, giving me looks like I am something truly repulsive. I am a small size 10, but he would say that my legs were huge like a ham and that my love handles were horrible.

    When I was doing my third year dissertation this year, I distanced myself from him and didn't go visit him (he lives 2.5 hours away and doesn't visit me). During this time he would keep messaging me asking me to go over. He said things like 'no girl is worth what you are' and 'I don't care what you have done. I want you to come see me'. I ignored it until lonliness got the better of me. I don't have many friends and now uni is over I have just been stuck in my house with a suffocating family.

    I went back to see , and I'm ashamed to say that I was needy for intimacy and I thought he could give it to me, but he is worse than he ever was. Although he appears nice to me when his friends are there, in private its a different story. He never hugs me, holds my hand, kisses me, or says that he loves me. I feel something I have never felt before, which is neglect in affection. He withholds sex, but would gleefully tell me about his masturbatory sessions. When we did once have sex, he would not kiss me or even acknowledge me, and when I said 'I love you' in the heat of the moment, he made me feel terrible and embarrassed about it the next morning, I have never felt so ashamed. We would watch tv and he would say 'why don't you look like her?' I feel like if I became thin and hot, I would have a boyfriend who gave me affection and wanted to be with me. Even though my brain tells me that average looking girls can get love just as much as pretty ones, there is something inside me that tells me that maybe I am just not deserving of a mans love, like I am nothing.

    If I left again, I know he would message me and I would end up going back. Or I would become so lonely and go back anyway, as being virtually friendless has caused me to think its better to be in an unhappy relationship that just be alone. Does anyone have any advice, or is there anyone I can talk to who has experienced something similar
    As many others have said your relationship is abusive and the only way things will improve is if you get out. I know this is easier said than done. You list all the reasons why you feel you can't leave what about listing the positives things about leaving. Is it really any worse feeling alone while single than feeling alone in a relationship? Also while you stay in this relationship you will remain unhappy but if you leave him there's a chance things will get better in the end surely that's worth the gamble. Do you honestly see a future with this guy? If you want kids one day to you want them to born in to such an abusive relationship?
    After asking yourself these questions hopefully you decide that you do want to leave him. First you want to cut all contact delete his number and if your on pay as you go cut up you sim and get a new one, if your on contract phone up and change your number again cutting up the old sim so your not tempted to see his texts. Block all other forms of contact such as facebook.
    Next you have to work on rebuilding yourself. When ever I'm feeling upset or down I find running as a good way to relive some stress. It's the last thing you want to do but once your out the door the adrenaline especially if your really pushing yourself sort of makes you forget everything for a little while. I recommend you join the gym or take up a sport you might prefer a more sociable one like netball. This is NOT because your fat but it's a good way to build self esteem, set goals, make friends and get out of the house. It can be anything dance, yoga maybe swimming. There will be times when your feeling particular low and might want to unblock him here tell yourself not to make rash decisions and take some time to your self doing something you enjoy (sports, art, any hobbies really) and then you'll think about it when your in a better state of mind. Also once your done with uni and in a job you'll meet new people and there will be plenty of opurtunities to make friends. Maybe call up some old friends and arrange a get together. I hope things work out for you and if ever you need to talk feel free to pm me This is your life and you only get one chance at it so why waste it on a loser!!
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    (Original post by Mystery Me)
    I really don't understand why you women feel the need to stay with guys who clearly abuse you and ignore guys who would treat you with respect. If you keep going back to him, you're going to suffer. It's going to turn nasty. So, if you want to save yourself, leave him. And go for that guy who you definitely must've ignored when he was being nice to you.

    Ahhh blame the abused. You're a 'nice guy' I'm sure.
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    (Original post by TolerantBeing)
    Wtf. Have you even read the OP?
    Yes, and i commented on another facet of the post as opposed to the areas covered by others..
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    (Original post by arkhamz)
    I will never understand people (usually women) who acknowledge their spouse's/partner's problems yet still stay with them.
    (Original post by Scott.)
    You clearly know what the problem is, so why haven't you dealt with it? People focus too much on the problem rather than a solution.

    The clear solution is to split up with him. But I gather you don't want to be single. Although it's not really a difficult choice. You're not exactly losing anything by splitting up with him.
    (Original post by NathanW18)
    Another one on the list that doesn't understand things like this. Person knows that their relationship is toxic. Stays anyway. Continues to complain. People are weird.
    (Original post by lucaf)
    stop being a moron and leave him, seriously not that complicated.



    You guys need to try and better understand the psychology behind this. I suggest you educate yourselves an read up on emotionally abusive relationships.
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    (Original post by miser)
    I've been avoiding this thread for a while because the thread title makes the answer so obvious but it looks like people are beating around the bush. You're being needy and insecure which are traits that make a person easily manipulated. On the one hand you hate the way he treats you, but on the other your need for something over nothing keeps you going back.

    People are telling you to dump him without acknowledging that you're with him for a reason. You're getting something out of this or else you would never have let it get this far and would have dumped his ass years ago. If I were to guess I'd say maybe you find his dominance attractive. You have to ask yourself why you let it get this far and what you feel you deserve as a person, because up until this point you seem to be happy giving this d-bag a blank cheque. You shouldn't be giving that to anyone, not even to a guy who treats you right.

    People are saying "dump him, dump him", but you can't just dump him - dumping him's not enough. Dumping him's the easy, superficial answer. The true answer is you need to grow some self-respect. Without self-respect you will go back. You need to know what your boundaries are so that you won't just roll over when someone walks all over them. Ask yourself what is the minimum you want in a man. Understand who you are and what you want because until you get a handle on this, this guy or any other will take you for a ride and kick you to the curb whenever and how ever often they feel like it.
    This is completely wrong.
    Victims stay in abusive relationships not because they find being abused attractive but because it screws you up psychologically. You've honestly no idea.



    Telling her to grow some self-respect will only make her feel worse about herself.
 
 
 
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