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Got a boyfriend and I'm having a sleepover (with my guy friend) Watch

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    (Original post by macromicro)


    If you had read my post - the very first line in fact - you would have seen that it's not just about trust nor is it about socialising generally and having male friends generally. Please make sure to read and comprehend posts properly before replying to them, in the interest of the discussion.

    And I hunt, so that is my real world.
    So my boyfriend is not a real man because he *allows me* to stay at male friends?
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    (Original post by macromicro)
    Yeah mature relationships are about sleepovers!

    Having male friends is absolutely fine, no one is debating that. Inviting one man for a sleep over is not fine, regardless of how much you trust your girlfriend. Where does this end exactly? Surely if you're happy with this then in principle it should be no different to, say, a 35 year-old wife sleeping over with another male friend? "oh hey hubby, I'm sleeping with Bob tonight, see you tomorrow!" Why does this not happen? Because they are in a mature relationship.



    If you had read my post - the very first line in fact - you would have seen that it's not just about trust nor is it about socialising generally and having male friends generally. Please make sure to read and comprehend posts properly before replying to them, in the interest of the discussion.

    And I hunt, so that is my real world.
    Sleepover/male (or female) friend staying over. The name doesn't matter.

    What if you're a man going out with a bisexual woman, is she not allowed female
    Friends to stay either?
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    (Original post by icup12)
    What do you think of this?
    What are your thoughts and opinions on this?
    Is it okay?
    What about if it's vice versa?

    I'm 19 and he's 20 and I told him I'm having a sleepover with a guy and he was pissed. He's just a friend - nothing more. What can I do?
    Unless your guy friend is full on gay, at some point he'll try it on with you.

    That's why your Bf is upset.
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    (Original post by 3309will)
    I've read all of these comments with great interest.

    What has society come to.
    What society are you referring to?

    What amazes me is how discrete different aspects of our "society" are.

    On the one hand we have people brought up with the mores of the Indian sub continent, or those from an Islamic tradition who seek to separate the sexes before marriage, and/or choose marriage partners. Sex before marriage is forbidden. In some cases the cover themselves up so only their eyes are visible to prevent men from having lustful thoughts.

    On the other we have someone who is seriously contemplating sleeping with a male who is not her partner. Not having sex necessarily, but sleeping.

    In what case is there one society for anything to come to? There isn't: just a lot of relativism and subjective morality.

    Responding to the OP's question, it really isn't complicated. If her boyfriend is very upset about this (and he is) she needs to make a choice. What is more important to her, his feelings, and her respect for him, or her desire to do as she chooses?

    Concomitant with that is the seriousness and depth of the relationship. If this is a casual relationship, which she doesn't really mind seeing imperilled, then the selfish course might be the one to follow.

    No-one in a serious relationship would do this against their partner's wishes. If he agrees that is another matter.

    It lacks consideration and respect and those are what a deep and committed relationship are founded on.
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    Some really good arguments on the liberal side so far:

    What has society come to.
    red herring

    That is not how mature relationships work
    moving the goalposts fallacy

    Real men trust and respect you enough
    straw-man

    I wonder what the average age of this thread is
    ad hominem

    I'm really glad there's people still left on this site that aren't bitter towards women/humanity
    straw-man

    Why are you guys/girls so jealous? It's such an ugly trait
    ad hominem & loaded question
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    (Original post by xylas)
    Some really good arguments on the liberal side so far:
    Not an argument
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    (Original post by chocolate hottie)
    What society are you referring to?

    What amazes me is how discrete different aspects of our "society" are.

    On the one hand we have people brought up with the mores of the Indian sub continent, or those from an Islamic tradition who seek to separate the sexes before marriage, and/or choose marriage partners. Sex before marriage is forbidden. In some cases the cover themselves up so only their eyes are visible to prevent men from having lustful thoughts.

    On the other we have someone who is seriously contemplating sleeping with a male who is not her partner. Not having sex necessarily, but sleeping.

    In what case is there one society for anything to come to? There isn't: just a lot of relativism and subjective morality.

    Responding to the OP's question, it really isn't complicated. If her boyfriend is very upset about this (and he is) she needs to make a choice. What is more important to her, his feelings, and her respect for him, or her desire to do as she chooses?

    Concomitant with that is the seriousness and depth of the relationship. If this is a casual relationship, which she doesn't really mind seeing imperilled, then the selfish course might be the one to follow.

    No-one in a serious relationship would do this against their partner's wishes. If he agrees that is another matter.

    It lacks consideration and respect and those are what a deep and committed relationship are founded on.

    If I'd wanted such a critique of what I'd said I'd have taken a BA in Philosophy or the like, however I was referring to the culture here on this website, and the mentality of the majority of people that have taken the time out to reply to this thread.

    I think it is a rather sad state of affairs when as soon as a male and a female are friends, people instantly jump to the conclusion that said male is going to try and sleep with said female. We live in a world where I would hope that this isn't necessarily the case 100% of the time.

    Maybe I come from a rather sheltered background, but I would hope that friends -- emphasis on the word friends -- would have more respect for each other than that. On the other hand, maybe that is me clinging onto what naïvety I have left.
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    (Original post by redferry)
    So my boyfriend is not a real man because he *allows me* to stay at male friends?
    If you go for sleepovers with one single man, just the two of you, for a planned sleepover, then you are displaying very little respect for your relationship and your boyfriend's masculinity, and that will be the downfall of you both.

    If the male friend was a close friend of mine and we were all part of the same friendship group then it would perhaps be different, but that isn't the case here from what the OP has said, and even then things can, and often do, turn sour.
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    (Original post by 3309will)
    If I'd wanted such a critique of what I'd said I'd have taken a BA in Philosophy or the like, however I was referring to the culture here on this website, and the mentality of the majority of people that have taken the time out to reply to this thread.

    I think it is a rather sad state of affairs when as soon as a male and a female are friends, people instantly jump to the conclusion that said male is going to try and sleep with said female. We live in a world where I would hope that this isn't necessarily the case 100% of the time.

    Maybe I come from a rather sheltered background, but I would hope that friends -- emphasis on the word friends -- would have more respect for each other than that. On the other hand, maybe that is me clinging onto what naïvety I have left.
    Didn't you know???? ALL men think with their penis...they can only view females as sexual conquests of which they must succeed!

    It's ridiculous. A mature relationship wouldn't display these levels of jealousy or mistrust. And not all men want to sleep with all women. Some genuinely are just friends and the thought of sex with that person is revolting. I have many male friends who I love as friends but the thought of sex with them.....well let's just say I'd rather hump a cheese grater.

    Equally I have male friends who'd stick their penis is an electric pencil Sharpener than entertain the thought of sleeping with me.

    The common theme here....we're none-sexual entities to each other.
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    (Original post by macromicro)
    If you go for sleepovers with one single man, just the two of you, for a planned sleepover, then you are displaying very little respect for your relationship and your boyfriend's masculinity, and that will be the downfall of you both.

    If the male friend was a close friend of mine and we were all part of the same friendship group then it would perhaps be different, but that isn't the case here from what the OP has said, and even then things can, and often do, turn sour.
    Well I do that fairly regularly when I go for drinks with a friend and he is busy and we've lasted 3 years so far and live together....
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    (Original post by SnooFnoo)
    What if you're a man going out with a bisexual woman, is she not allowed female
    Friends to stay either?
    If my girlfriend was bisexual and she planned a sleepover with one bisexual woman with whom I'm not familiar then it would be close to as disrespectful as the OP's example. However, it's difficult to accurately analyse your situation as a man who has never been with a bisexual woman and therefore never had to compete with women for a woman - perhaps bisexual women would be more worthy of my trust than straight males and/or perhaps there would be less disrespect as it's a woman not a man. Bisexuals make up such a tiny percentage of the population that your example is meaningless for this discussion to be honest, particularly as the OP is seemingly straight and sleeping over with a man, and my girlfriend is straight too.
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    (Original post by SnooFnoo)
    Not an argument
    Not an argument either, what's your point?
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    (Original post by redferry)
    Well I do that fairly regularly when I go for drinks with a friend and he is busy and we've lasted 3 years so far and live together....
    It's impossible to draw parallels without the details and nuances of how everyone knows each other, what the sleeping arrangements are, what the plan for the night is, etc. It's very different going for drinks and crashing at someone's place on the sofa when you're all in the same friendship group as you seem to have implied, rather than specifically inviting a man round your house for a sleepover. The OP has also not provided sufficient detail but her example already sounds very different to your own.

    Three years is absolutely nothing.
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    (Original post by macromicro)
    It's impossible to draw parallels without the details and nuances of how everyone knows each other, what the sleeping arrangements are, what the plan for the night is, etc. It's very different going for drinks and crashing at someone's place on the sofa when you're all in the same friendship group as you seem to have implied, rather than specifically inviting a man round your house for a sleepover. The OP has also not provided sufficient detail but her example already sounds very different to your own.

    Three years is absolutely nothing.
    She clearly said it was so he didn't have to get the train back. He's coming over, they'll probably have a drink and watch some tv/a film and eat and then he'll stay.

    I don't see what the big deal is, it's perfectly normal behavior.

    Also no my boyfriend is not in the same friendship group as these guys however obviously 3 years into our relationship he knows them. Of course it was different at the start but he has never had a problem with it.

    He appreciates that I can stay at male friends/vice versa without banging them...
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    (Original post by Tpx)
    I haven't been on this site properly for about a year or so. It must have been taken over by the Saudi Arabian morality police in that time.
    If the Saudi Arabian morality police hate muslims, then yes, you would be correct.
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    (Original post by 3309will)
    If I'd wanted such a critique of what I'd said I'd have taken a BA in Philosophy or the like, however I was referring to the culture here on this website, and the mentality of the majority of people that have taken the time out to reply to this thread.

    I think it is a rather sad state of affairs when as soon as a male and a female are friends, people instantly jump to the conclusion that said male is going to try and sleep with said female. We live in a world where I would hope that this isn't necessarily the case 100% of the time.

    Maybe I come from a rather sheltered background, but I would hope that friends -- emphasis on the word friends -- would have more respect for each other than that. On the other hand, maybe that is me clinging onto what naïvety I have left.
    No you specifically referred to "society" not "TSR" and received an excellent critique in return which has left you stunned so you've avoided it altogether and attempted to change your original claim. The issue isn't solely about trusting the man or the girlfriend, it's about two further things. First, that situation is very conducive to "mistakes" (which happen often in relationships with 100% trust), and second, it's disrespectful and uncomfortable for the boyfriend except in certain situations which I outlined above.

    And I'm glad you highlighted your naivety and sheltered background.
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    (Original post by jakeel1)
    I would dump you immediately. Anyone who even thinks this is a good idea is nuts.
    In a serious, committed relationship there should be enough trust, so WHO CARES?!

    I occasionally visit my best friend (a girl) who lives far away, and I naturally sleep there (in her room). Heck, we've even slept in the same bed, in a hotel that didn't have twin rooms. She's got a boyfriend and he's mature enough to not care, because he knows, she knows, and I know that there's nothing between us.
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    (Original post by redferry)
    She clearly said it was so he didn't have to get the train back.
    No she didn't. Are you in the right thread?!

    (Original post by redferry)
    Also no my boyfriend is not in the same friendship group as these guys however obviously 3 years into our relationship he knows them. Of course it was different at the start but he has never had a problem with it.

    He appreciates that I can stay at male friends/vice versa without banging them...
    That could already be very different to the OP's example - it sounds like the boyfriend does not know the man at all. And as I keep saying, it's not just about trusting your girlfriend not to do anything, it's also about trusting the man not to try anything and for "mistakes" not to occur which often do in these situations where a man and a woman are drinking at their house and sleeping over. It doesn't matter how much you trust someone, these things can occur. And lastly, it's about respect for your partner and your relationship. By all means socialise with whomever you want, but there is absolutely no need for the intimacy of a planned sleepover with one man, hence everyone's surprise that the OP is not much younger. My girlfriend often goes got coffee and drinks and plays sport with her male friends, and I often do the same with my female friends, but I don't invite one over for a one-to-one sleepover. I would be happy for them to crash on my sofa after a night out or if they nowhere to stay - that's what friends do - but that is completely different to the OP's example.
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    (Original post by macromicro)
    No she didn't. Are you in the right thread?!



    That could already be very different to the OP's example - it sounds like the boyfriend does not know the man at all. And as I keep saying, it's not just about trusting your girlfriend not to do anything, it's also about trusting the man not to try anything and for "mistakes" not to occur which often do in these situations where a man and a woman are drinking at their house and sleeping over. It doesn't matter how much you trust someone, these things can occur. And lastly, it's about respect for your partner and your relationship. By all means socialise with whomever you want, but there is absolutely no need for the intimacy of a planned sleepover with one man, hence everyone's surprise that the OP is not much younger. My girlfriend often goes got coffee and drinks and plays sport with her male friends, and I often do the same with my female friends, but I don't invite one over for a one-to-one sleepover. I would be happy for them to crash on my sofa after a night out or if they nowhere to stay - that's what friends do - but that is completely different to the OP's example.
    Ok let me put it this way for you - when me and my boyfriend first started going out I stayed at male friends houses that he didn't know and had them to stay at mine.

    Everything was fine.

    He's not sleeping in her bed for gods sake...
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    (Original post by redferry)
    Ok let me put it this way for you - when me and my boyfriend first started going out I stayed at male friends houses that he didn't know and had them to stay at mine.

    Everything was fine.
    This could be very different to the OP's situation, as I've already said. I did the same as you've described in my relationship but it was casual crashing on a sofa after drinks/nights-out with a group of friends or having nowhere to stay when visiting a city, but not specifically inviting a woman around my house for a planned sleepover. That is beyond the intimacy of a normal friendship at this age.

    (Original post by redferry)
    He's not sleeping in her bed for gods sake...
    We don't know actually; stop assuming and fabricating aspects of the thread to suit your opinion. And I'm still waiting to see this quote about the train?!
 
 
 
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